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S13 E1
May 22, 2017 at 10:59 PM EDT

Hi, I’m Sam Highfill. Welcome to another exciting season of The Bachelorette… recaps. I don’t promise they’ll be dramatic, but I do promise they’ll be judgmental. Who’s ready?

The season kicks off with a reintroduction to a woman who needs no reintroduction: Me! Rachel Lindsay! From dancing in the streets to playing some hoops, Rachel’s intro package reminds us of just how grounded she is. Or, as she puts it, “sassy yet classy.” But don’t forget that Rachel has a serious side too, and with it comes a serious brain. (Don’t you just love when women have it all?!) Rachel’s a civil litigation attorney, and to prove it, they record her saying, “Objection!” After all, that’s how Elle Woods got into Harvard.

Rachel admits that she’s had a hard time taking off her lawyer hat and putting on “the love one” — perhaps she should start by not calling it “the love one” — but she’s learned from her experience on Nick’s season of The Bachelor, and this time around, she’s not going to hold her feelings back. And neither are the old broads she just met in this random park. “Now you make the right decision,” some random elderly woman says to her. Another follows up, “And don’t sleep with all of ’em.” And here you all thought Fairy Godmothers were fake.

As we jump back to Chris Harrison, he informs us that “some of America’s most eligible bachelors are on the way to the mansion right now.” And so are some of America’s most eligible trainwrecks, but before we get to them, Rachel needs more advice. (Those old women weren’t helpful enough.)

Rachel sits down with some of the women she met on Nick’s season — Corinne, Jasmine, Whitney, Alexis, Kristina, Raven, and Astrid, a.k.a. the dream team when it comes to advice. (Notice Taylor’s absence — Rachel is all good in the “emotional intelligence” department.)

As for Corinne, she tells Rachel to let her feelings either be like “yep” or “nope” when it comes to men, so thank goodness she showed up tonight. Alexis reminds Rachel not to judge anyone for showing up in a costume. (However, if they show up in one costume and claim it’s something else, feel free to judge a little.) Then there’s Whitney, who warns Rachel about DeMario because Sarah’s friend from college told her that his intentions might not be pure. I don’t know about you guys, but I vote Whitney off the island first. We don’t need someone starting stuff before anyone’s even shown up.

But it’s Raven who comes through with the good (if not painfully obvious) advice, telling Rachel that she needs to let herself fall. She then gets emotional talking about how great Rachel is, which is lovely, but she’s already the Bachelorette, so chill, Raven. Take your emotions to the top of that grain bin if you need.

Finally, it’s time for the men to arrive:

Peter, 30. Direct quote from my notes: “Business owner in a fun jacket.” But attire aside, Peter plays the “you haven’t had the best of luck with Wisconsin guys lately” card, using Nick to further his own game, which I can respect.
First impression: Contender, and not just because he and Rachel have matching gap teeth.

Josiah, 28. Full name Josiah Daniel Graham. Meet Rachel’s enemy in the courtroom: the prosecutor. Or, as Josiah sums it up on a phone call: “He’s a bad guy and we’re going to get him off the streets.” (Yeah, this guy definitely watches every superhero show ever.) But he also has an admirable journey. After his older brother hanged himself when Josiah was young, Josiah turned to the streets. And when he was arrested for burglary at the age of 12, a judge gave him some advice that changed his life. Now, he’s a prosecutor, doing what he can to better the world. And on night one, that involves wearing a sleek blazer and winning Rachel over with legal terms.
First impression: He’s confident… but it’s very close to being cocky. (Also, “see you later alligator” jokes are only funny with children. Just kidding! They’re never funny.)

Bryan, 27. Meet Bryan, a Spanish-speaking chiropractor who makes a very audible “muah” sound when he kisses Rachel’s cheek. But as soon as this Colombian warns Rachel that he’s (good) trouble, she’s hooked.
First impression: I have a hard time believing his definition of getting into “trouble” means finding a long-lasting monogamous relationship.

Kenny, 25. Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King is a terribly indecisive professional wrestler (or else he would’ve settled on one name by now). But there’s one thing he does know: He loves his 10-year-old daughter (and puns about “rings”). On night one, he gets points for busting out a dance move, but he loses nearly the same amount by saying, “Hi pretty Rachel.”
First impression: I could go either way on this guy.

Rob, 29. A law student, Rob claims Rachel has “always been my bachelorette first-round draft pick.”
First impression: Always????
(Next: Rachel meets Iggy… and Diggy)

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