The Bachelorette recap: Three's (Bad) Company
Rachel heads to Switzerland to pick her final four
Well, Bachelor Nation, on the one hand, it feels like Rachel’s journey has just begun and we’re already one week away from hometowns. And on the other hand, this feels like the longest season ever. From looking at the guys, I’d say they’re firmly on Team Is This Over Yet, because Rachel quite literally has to yell at them to “stand up!” when she enters a room.
Now in Geneva, Switzerland, Rachel gives the guys an update on how the week is going to go: There won’t be a rose ceremony, but instead, Rachel will have three one-on-one dates followed by a three-on-one. In other words, you will soon know which guys she likes the most by which ones get the one-on-one dates. And not surprisingly, Bryan is up first.
Wait, did Adam just say he NOW feels like he’s at a disadvantage… because before this, he was a shoe-in?
For Bryan’s date, Rachel is ready to treat her man, and that involves wearing fancy clothes, driving a nice car, and buying him a new watch! And for the poor watch salesman, that means having to watch Bryan quite literally tackle Rachel with his mouth. Needless to say, by the time Bryan stopped kissing her, that salesman was long gone. (Also, the prices of those watches probably just went up.)
“This is a forever gift,” Bryan says about a watch, a.k.a. something that has a battery that will die. But he’s feeling good, so we’ll go with it.
From there, the two enjoy a boat ride while Adam and Matt sit back at the hotel at what I like to call the Underdog Table. All Adam knows is that he “wants to be the broom that sweeps her off the feet.” So while Matt hopefully explains that there isn’t actually supposed to be a broom in that scenario, Rachel and Bryan are sipping champagne from tiny glasses while they discuss all the ways they work as a couple. Rachel loves that she’s told him about her weaknesses and he hasn’t run away. Bryan refuses to let her mess this up, and she needs someone who does that.
She also needs to find a cameraman who can hold a camera still as they walk into the evening portion of their date. Getting to the family talk, Rachel asks about Bryan’s upbringing, and he mentions that his mom sent him to an all-boys private school because he asked for an earring. But he swears he wasn’t a bad kid! (You know, because most of the good kids just really wanted to study and also pierce their ears.)
But Rachel can relate because she also went to private school, a fact that prompts Bryan to ask her if she wore a uniform because “I want to picture you in your uniform, your little schoolgirl outfit.” SHE WAS A CHILD. (Looks like we might’ve found the reason “too good to be true” Bryan is still single.)
(Next: Bryan gets the first rose of the week)
Back at the hotel, where the men sit on very small couches — is everything smaller in Switzerland? Including waistlines? Yes — the next date card reveals that Dean is getting this week’s second one-on-one, after which he politely asks Adam not to punch him in the face. Poor Adam is confused by this entire situation, instead of, I don’t know, taking this as a very clear sign that she’s not interested?
Moving on from school, Bryan quickly flips the conversation so that HE is the one asking questions — I see you, Bryan — and talks about Rachel’s last heartbreak and how she met his family. But she’s then quick to mention Bryan’s last relationship, which he admits is similar to what he and Rachel have going on. The relationship became very passionate in a very short amount of time, and when he invited his girlfriend to a wedding in Colombia, it was too much too soon. By the time they got back from the trip, she told Bryan she was breaking up with him because of his mother, so have fun meeting the family, Rachel!
Just to reiterate the painfully obvious takeaway from that story, Bryan tells Rachel that he’s scared about bringing her home because the last time he introduced someone to his family, they broke up shortly thereafter. And it could happen again! But don’t worry about it. But also, do.
And yet, despite the fear that is no doubt coursing through Rachel’s veins, she still gives Bryan the date rose, and as if on cue, they kiss and a string quartet starts playing from the balconies. Sorry, have those people been there this entire time!? Do you think they heard Bryan ask about what Rachel looked like as a child?
From one intimidating family to another, Rachel’s next date is with Dean, and she’s taking him to Catholic mass. Honestly, it’s a good thing they went because that church really needs some help with attendance. It’s also a good thing that a large chunk of their date involved an activity that didn’t require Dean to talk, because he might be cute, but he is not one for engaging conversation.
To be fair, Dean is internally freaking out about the possibility of bringing Rachel home. And when Rachel tries to ask him about that, he does everything he can to change the topic of conversation, from asking her if she believes in the tooth fairy to asking her about her favorite dinosaur. In other news, this is Dean’s first relationship since elementary school. Is he trying to highlight the fact that he’s the youngest guy here?!
But when the evening rolls around, there’s no more time to avoid the conversation. Rachel literally tells Dean to TALK TO HER, and after a bit of back-and-forth, he finally opens up about his fear. “My family is not going to be the family that you want to see,” he tells her. Dean would love to introduce Rachel to the family he had before his mother died, but that’s simply not possible.
As he very poorly explains it, his father was the one to take him dirt biking and snowboarding but not the person to drive him to school and take him to lunch. And when his mom died, his father wasn’t able to flip a switch and become the lunch-eating person he needed him to be. Rumor has it that to this very day, his father still doesn’t eat lunch.
But with one line, Dean solidifies the fact that we need to meet his father: “He’s become quite a bit more eccentric,” he tells Rachel. I’M IN.
(Next: Peter gets the final one-on-one date of the week)
In all seriousness, Dean’s family abandoned him at the most vulnerable time in his life, and he’s worried that Rachel will judge their future family by his present one, but she assures him that he’s not here by accident and that she understands where his family is coming from. Regardless of who they are, she wants to meet the people who have made Dean the lunch-loving man he is today. So she gives him the date rose as they head out for some exploring to try to make up for the first half of their date.
The third and final one-one-one date of the week goes to Peter, thereby rounding out Rachel’s top three. Today, the two of them are exploring the Swiss Alps via helicopter and then dog sled, which I’ve decided is the colder version of the “romantic” gondola date. As Rachel says, “It’s just Peter and I,” all I can think — aside from the grammar issue — is, There is a man INCHES from the back from your heads.
The sled takes them to a “picnic” on a glacier, which looks about as comfortable as it sounds. By the end of the date, there’s a good chance Peter will be the new Two-Face with the way the snow is turning half of his head white. But Peter makes the most of it, letting Rachel know that he’s glad he never abandoned ship and went home BECAUSE HE WANTED TO.
With that romantic threat hanging over them both, they snuggle up and realize that it’s “surprisingly warm” when you hold another human close. Is it surprising? Or is it common sense to use body heat to your advantage?
That night, Peter declares today’s date the most amazing date “he’ll ever be on,” so let’s hope he ends up with Rachel or else he just pissed somebody off. When it comes to Peter’s family, he has no doubt that they are going to love Rachel. Although he’s never dated a black woman before, he has zero concerns about bringing Rachel home. How this transitions into a talk about his ex is unclear, but suddenly, Peter’s crying about how he abandoned his ex-girlfriend and can still picture her getting smaller in his rearview mirror as he drove away? What prompted this?!
Peter admits that he held onto that guilt for a long time, but he hopes he’s ready to give his heart to someone else. You HOPE? You do realize what show you’re on, right Pete? And to make Rachel feel worse, he lets her know that he would never propose if he wasn’t feeling it. GREAT.
And yet, Rachel really really likes Peter, so she gives him the rose anyway. Peter admits that he really really likes her too, and he doesn’t throw around the word “love” easily, but “it’s definitely along that path.” So how’s that for reassurance, Rach?!
And with that, we’re done with one-on-one dates and moving on to the world’s most obvious date. There are only two people here who’ve never gotten a one-on-one. Need I say more?
(Next: Rachel sends two men packing)
But before we get to the date, Adam would like to voice a grievance he has with the date card: He hates the word “difficult.” In fact, unlike most of us, he’s never lived by that word his whole life. (I don’t know about you guys, but “Make today difficult” is my motto.)
Adam refuses to believe that this date is going to be difficult. Rather, it’s going to be an opportunity for Adam to shine the way he has from the get-go, which is to say, not at all.
As for the date, there are three men and one rose, and to kick things off, Rachel is taking sweet Matt, over-confident Adam, and obvious frontrunner Eric to France. The first thing they do when they get there is pop some champagne, and Adam once again goes in on the word “difficult,” but only AFTER he says he knows this has been a “difficult journey” for Rachel. So, after using his least-favorite word in a sentence, Adam explains why this date won’t be “difficult.” It might be “challenging,” he says, but it won’t be “difficult,” because nothing is “difficult” … other than this journey, and also, words.
Hoping to get away from that conversation, Rachel grabs Eric and pulls him aside for a chat. He praises her for how she’s handled this entire situation before Matt does more of the same. But when Rachel starts crying as Matt talks about hope for a future for them, he doesn’t get the hint. Those are not happy tears, my friend. Do you see her smiling? She’s NOT.
Rachel tells Matt that he reminds her the most of herself, which is why it’s so hard for her to send him home, but that’s exactly what she’s doing. If they’d had more time to get to know each other, maybe this would end differently — it wouldn’t — but in this situation, she’s simply further along in other relationships. So with that, she sends him on his way, where Matt makes his smartest move to date: He takes his booze with him to the Depression Mobile.
Rachel then sits down with Adam, who asks Rachel if she sees herself potentially falling in love with him. Her answer? “Yeah, I mean, that’s why you’re still here.” Yeah, YOU IDIOT. But Rachel has a question for him: When he told her that a part of him was falling in love with her, what did he mean? Which part? [Keep your penis jokes to yourself.]
Adam attempts to explain what he meant as he talks about being skeptical and scared and blah blah, but none of it ultimately makes sense. He basically just tries to convince her that if she meets his family, it will “bring a whole new light to your eye.” Great.
From there, Eric gets one more chat where he tells Rachel what to expect from his hometown. Baltimore was a challenging place to grow up, and Eric tells her that he never saw his parents together. He didn’t have a healthy relationship to look up to. Instead, it was all too easy for the men in his family to turn to the streets and sell drugs or commit crimes. His uncle’s currently in prison for 50 years. He has watched his family members get high; he has seen his friends killed. He’s had to figure out life on his own, and because of how he was raised, he decided he wants to help people. (As a personal trainer?) But when Rachel asks who helps Eric, he says that’s what he’s here for.
But he also admits that he’s never brought a girl home before, something that scares Rachel… but it doesn’t scare her off. After what she claims is her “hardest decision thus far,” Rachel gives the rose to Eric, thereby sending Adam home. All Adam hopes is that she doesn’t look back and wonder how things might’ve been different if she’d kept him. Yeah, she won’t.
Heading into hometowns, Rachel has the realization that this journey is really working for her, and she’s excited. Yeah, we’ll see how excited she is when she meets Dean’s “eccentric” father. But that’s next week’s problem. If you all need me before then, I’ll be eating multiple lunches and saying the word “difficult” A LOT.