The Bachelorette recap: For Better or Norse
Rachel sends Lee home... but he's only the first of many
The second half of our two-night Bachelorette event kicks off the only way it can: with a cackling Kenny asking Lee, “Do you never feel no shame?” Yes, dude. He feels no shame ALL THE TIME. That’s kind of the problem.
Lee denies that he said anything about Kenny pulling him out of a van, and Kenny assures him that had he ever gotten physical with him, Lee would “bear the scars.” Lee’s response? “Jesus loves you,” to which Kenny says, “You know what? Jesus don’t love you because…” and you can fill in the rest with some very colorful cuss words, a definite run-on sentence that ends with Kenny telling Lee to “eat s— and die.”
By the time Rachel returns, she tells Lee that she simply doesn’t trust him and therefore, she’s going to send him home. However, Kenny isn’t in the clear just yet. She’s not ready to give Kenny the rose either, but she will give him some more of her time. Lee, whose “that’s okay sweetheart” literally made me cringe, makes one last effort to tell her that Kenny has spent the last few minutes threatening him, but Rachel’s over it. She hugs Lee goodbye and leads Kenny to the helicopter. But Kenny can’t seem to get over how what other people say about him affects Rachel’s feelings — but you know what affects her feelings more? WHAT YOU DO.
Making a truly terrible decision, Kenny asks Rachel to hold on while he says one final farewell to Lee, telling Lee he hopes he can be the man God intended him to be. “There’s a decent Lee inside there,” Kenny says before walking back to the helicopter, where Rachel has spent the last few minutes shaking her head in disbelief at just how stupid this entire situation is (and she didn’t even hear their terrible insults!).
That night, Rachel confronts Kenny about the fact that he did not need to go back and talk to Lee, and Kenny claims that part of his process to becoming a better human involves not bottling things up, so he needed to get that off his chest in the moment so that he could forget about it. (You needed to get it off your chest that Lee is probably a decent guy at heart?) In general, Kenny feels that he has a long fuse, and in relationships, he’s even less worried about his temper because, he says, “If I love you, everything that I say to you is going to be measured with that.” And at the end of the day, this guy just wants to be in love.
After all the drama, Rachel can’t deny that she trusts Kenny and believes that he’s been nothing but honest with her. Thanks to his sincerity, she gives him the date rose and sends him back to the hotel so he can FaceTime his daughter and cry some more.
The next day, it’s time for yet another rose ceremony. With Bryan, Will, and Kenny all safe, Josiah is feeling incredibly confident, per usual. After Josiah goes on and on about how “if she doesn’t give me a rose, there is something wrong with her brain” and his many layers — he’s intellectual, caring, and empathetic! — he decides he would be SHOCKED if he didn’t get a rose. And so when Rachel hands out roses to Dean, Eric, Peter, Alex, Adam and Matt, you guessed it — Josiah is shocked! (But he’s the only one.)
The next day, everyone arrives in Denmark, where Eric lands the first one-on-one of the new location. (That “NOOOOOO” you heard in the distance was me, still reeling from Jack Stone’s awkward date and dreading what will become of Eric “the awkward hugger” on a date.) But you know what? It’s not that bad. Either that, or anything looks good after Jack.
Together, Eric and Rachel set out to explore Copenhagen when he announces that he’s looking forward to a possible “intimate connection tonight.” What do you think this is — a fantasy suite date? He then makes a claim that he’s “looking forward to miracles,” which he’ll need if he’s hoping for some action.
After Eric somehow manages not to scare Rachel away by announcing he wants 10 kids, they head to some sort of hot tub central. I don’t know why it took this show so long to find it, but now I think it’s safe to say Bachelor Nation is home. It’s as if all the seasons have been building to this moment. Sitting in the hot tub — and surrounded by other (very naked) people in hot tubs — Eric declares that what he really wants in this moment is… a bunch of selfies. (See, romance isn’t dead!)
In the end, we don’t get an awkward hug, but we do get some very awkward hand placement during a kiss.
(Next: The man play viking games!)
Keeping the fun going, Rachel and Eric visit an amusement park before sitting down to dinner, where he talks about how he never really felt love growing up, especially not from his mother. So when he first started dating, he’d run from anything that felt like love. As for what he’s feeling now, he doesn’t know if it’s love because he’s never experienced that before, but he does know he’s falling — so he doesn’t know what love is but he knows he’s falling … in love?
At this point, he’s willing to do whatever it takes to open up more, and Rachel, happy with their progress today, gives him the date rose so that they can return to roller coasters and good times.
The next day, the group date takes Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, and Adam and turns them into vikings. (No offense to vikings everywhere.) After the guys make a very poor attempt to row a boat — the much older gentlemen in the back are clearly carrying most of the weight — they arrive on a beach to meet Tom and Morton, their viking fighting instructors who need their own spin-off ASAP.
After the men get dressed, they participate in some classic viking games, which include yelling, trying to grab a greased-up stick, wrestling without using their arms, wrestling while standing on one leg, and any other form of wrestling with a fun quirk. Not surprisingly, Kenny and Adam are thriving, while poor Dean has never looked more scared than when he demonstrates his viking yell. Did he scare himself? How’s his hair?
In the end, Kenny and Adam go head to head in some sort of wrestling-with-shields game, and even though Kenny takes the win, both men walk away with bloody eyes. Kenny, however, gets to bleed on a fur cape, so there’s that.
That night, Bryan steals Rachel away first to talk about how perfect their fairy tale life is going to be, and does Rachel even realize how perfect everything is going to be? No, she doesn’t. Because have you even thought about the fact that you live in two separate states? Why should he?! Bryan knows their life is going to be “absolutely magical,” but unless it’s literally magical and involves teleportation, they need to chat.
Having at least one important conversation, she asks if his family will accept her, and he has no doubt that they will. And in that moment, Rachel gets emotional just talking about a man who accepts her, flaws and all, and does nothing but reassure her because, as she says, “I haven’t had that before.”
Rachel then sits down with Peter and decides it’s time to tell him that what first attracted her to him was how nervous he was. In return, Peter admits she has him thinking about the future. And then, in the most adorable moment of the show, Rachel asks, “Can you kiss me?” I’m done, guys. Peter’s definitely winning, yeah?
Also, when did Rachel start kissing Adam? And why is Matt still around if all she asks him about is Kenny?
Speaking of Kenny, he’s not feeling his best. First, there was the Lee of it all. And now, he needs to feel like there’s a definite possibility of a future with Rachel — otherwise, why is he staying away from his adorable daughter? Sitting down with Rachel, he admits that he’s not sure their relationship has grown in all the ways he would’ve liked. There’s something he’s just not getting. And though he believes they CAN get there, they’re not there now.
Hearing that, and knowing that he has a daughter, Rachel decides it’d be best for him to go home and see his little girl. Rachel then walks Kenny out and says a very lovely mutual goodbye, with Kenny’s final sentiment being that if his daughter grows up to be like Rachel, “then I knew that I did my job.” He then FaceTimes his daughter and cries as he tells her that he’s coming home, so that’s a happy ending if I’ve ever seen one.
Rachel then returns to the guys to tell them about Kenny, after which she gives Peter the date rose. I mean, honestly, she’s SO into Peter.
(Next: Let’s get physical, Will!)
Next up, it’s Will’s time to shine! And by that, I mean it’s Will’s time to clam up and totally blow what might’ve been a good thing, despite the fact that he claims, at the start of the date, that he’s going to do “everything in his power to sweep her off her feet.” (Fun fact, guys: If you think you can sweep a girl off her feet by holding her hand, you’re very wrong.)
Together, they head off to Sweden to dance in the street, talk about love with a couple who’ve been married for 35 years, and basically never touch. Even the old man across the table realizes Will’s distance, explaining that kissing the woman you love is “very important.” But Will doesn’t seem to get the hint.
Walking to the top of a literal castle — talk about a fairy tale — Rachel is hoping that Will will do more than grab her hand, but as they stand side by side and look at the view, all he does is just that: look at the view.
That evening, they’re back in Copenhagen for dinner, and despite Rachel’s not-so-subtle toast about “moving forward” and asking Will what kind of woman he’s ATTRACTED TO, he still doesn’t get the hint. Instead, he talks about how he mostly dated white girls growing up. Meanwhile, Rachel, who also grew up in a predominantly white area, mostly dated black guys. And you know the date sucks when Rachel fills an awkward silence by explaining that her mind is going a mile a minute just “thinking about what we’re talking about.”
While the men back at the hotel discuss Will’s dating history, Rachel asks him what kind of boyfriend he typically is, to which he ironically responds PASSIONATE. “Physical intimacy is very important to me,” he says, admitting that, in the past, he focused too much on that. Oh yeah? Prove it, buddy!
But sadly, he doesn’t, and all Rachel hears is that Will is a very physical guy who’s barely touched her.
Picking up the date rose, she explains that even though they’ve built a friendship, she didn’t feel wanted today. And as much as they want to, she’s not sure their relationship can get to that place.
Will, shocked, admits that he does find her incredibly attractive and is not sure what happened. There’s a chance he focused too much on building the friendship, and he admits that’s on him. So just like that, another nice guy hits the road.
The next day, we get another rose ceremony, during which Rachel claims she has to say her hardest goodbye… to Alex. With Eric and Peter safe, she gives roses to Bryan, Matt, Dean, and Adam. So yes, she’s saying goodbye to Alex — but MATT AND ADAM ARE STILL AROUND? Rachel claims that her feelings for Alex just weren’t on the same level as her feelings for other men, to which I again say, MATT AND ADAM?!
Okay, we made it through a two-night event that was really just two episodes and did not need to air back-to-back. BUT we do get next Monday off, so enjoy your time away, stop thinking about Lee — I already have — and if you need me, I’ll be looking up Will’s number.