The Bachelorette recap: Dueling D-bags
Whaboom goes home just in time for Eric to lose his mind
If you have ever in your life thought that men are the superior sex, I’d like to invite you to this episode of The Bachelorette, in which Lucas and Blake resort to mimicking each other when their teeny, tiny brains fail them, and Eric throws multiple screaming fits.
We pick up right where we left off, with Rachel on her way to see why DeMario has made his way back to the mansion. As a literal wall of men stand behind Rachel, she listens as DeMario explains that he knows he messed up with the Lexi situation but that he believes they can move forward from this, and more than anything, he wants back on the “panel” at tonight’s rose ceremony. He then shares one of his favorite quotes (from Jay-Z himself): “In order to experience joy, you need pain.” Let’s analyze this, shall we? In this circumstance, you are the person who inflicted pain on Rachel and are now hoping you’ll be able to find joy. Pretty sure that’s not what Jay was talking about.
Despite his begging — and trust me, he BEGS — Rachel is done with DeMario, because she needs a man and, as Papa Pope once said:
Rachel gave DeMario a chance to be honest that day in the gym and he chose not to, so as happy as she is that he realized he needs to move forward, she informs him that “forward” is not in the direction of the mansion. In other words, HIT THE ROAD, JACK. She tells him to take his quote and shove it find his joy elsewhere.
After Rachel informs the guys that DeMario’s definitely not coming back, they continue with the cocktail party. Jonathan distracts Rachel with some large fake hands that he somehow fit inside his suitcase and that are begging for a “his hands are huge” joke, but I refuse to be pulled down to that level. Then there’s Alex, who almost completes a Rubik’s cube, which is only almost impressive.
As for Kenny, he breaks out photos of his daughter, but it’s Will who lands a kiss after he hits Rachel with his best lines. And that brings us to Lucas, who explains to Rachel that Blake just doesn’t like him. Then he proceeds to tell her, seriously, that he thinks Blake has a crush on him because he woke up the other night to find Blake standing over his bed peeling a banana. So what we’ve learned from this is that Lucas is the kind of terrible liar who always takes things too far. He’s the kid who didn’t claim the dog ate his homework growing up. He claimed aliens abducted it.
Rachel, asking the hard-hitting questions, asks “Did he finish the banana?” I don’t even want to know what that means.
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Rachel takes the story to Blake, who tears it to shreds by explaining that he doesn’t eat carbs on his fancy ass diet. (And I just realized that I’ve definitely gone “carb free” in the past while eating bananas. Oops.) Also, Lucas sleeps in a room with other men who surely would’ve noticed Blake eating a carb, of all things.
Rachel definitely seems to be more on Team Blake as she heads into the rose ceremony, but when push comes to shove, she hands roses out to: Bryan, Bryce, Eric, Anthony, Will, Jonathan, Jack, Matt, Alex, Adam, Kenny, some guy named Brady I swear I’ve never seen before, Lee, Iggy, Fred, and Diggy, which means both Lucas and Blake are going home! (Reminder: Dean, Josiah, and Peter already had roses going into the evening.) Also gone is Jamey, but nobody cares.
(Next: Lucas vs. Blake, the final showdown)
Lucas gives the room one final “whaboom it out,” but at this point, his catchphrase is completely depleted. As he puts it, his “feud” with Blake was “literally trash.” Meanwhile, Blake is the only person who’s shocked that he’s going home with “the clown.” As both men complain about the other, Blake heads over to confront Lucas outside the mansion. “F— you, bro. You’re a piece of s—,” Blake says, elegantly laying out his reasons for disliking another human being. “I got drug into your s—,” he adds, proving that he do good with grammar.
Blake calls Lucas a wannabe comedian before he gives us the greatest whaboom we’ve gotten to date. But Lucas tries to explain to him that it’s not about winning. “It’s about the world, brother,” Lucas says. “And you have no idea what the world needs.” And this is where things truly go south.
After the sex addict calls himself a “nice gentleman,” Lucas and Blake start arguing about which of them is the “clown” before they resort to playground tactics, copying what the other says, etc. I’ve honestly never been so embarrassed as a human being and liberated as a woman at the same time.
The next day, Chris Harrison drops off the first date card of the week for Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred. And they’re going to The Ellen DeGeneres Show!
As the guys walk through security, Rachel gives Ellen the rundown. So far, Ellen is not a fan of Jonathan, because as she puts it, tickling someone when you meet them is “a horrible thing,” and I couldn’t agree more.
Ellen then heads in to meet the guys, where she gives Jonathan a taste of his own medicine and lets the guys know that they won’t be in the audience, but rather, they’ll be on the show. But first, Rachel has to sit down with Ellen, where she admits that one certain man — cough, Bryan — swept her off her feet with a very unexpected kiss. It’s a fact that shocks poor Jonathan, who’s really hoping it was a kiss on the cheek, because those are known to really be the most romantic. Also, I’m 60 percent sure Jonathan has never kissed a woman.
When Ellen brings the guys out, Bryan wastes no time in telling the world that Rachel’s a “great kisser,” which gives Will the opportunity to agree and thereby launch a pissing contest between both of them that is, once again, embarrassing. Did Bryan just call Rachel his sloppy seconds?! Watch it, dude.
Ellen, once again leveling the scales, gets the men to take their shirts off and dance around the crowd, where Jonathan proves that dancing is not something he should consider a talent. Will, however, uses the opportunity to win Ellen over. And then there’s Alex, whose dancing is as loud as his patterned pants. Alex gets so into it he ends up giving a grandmother a lap dance, but perhaps the biggest surprise of the date: Peter’s been hiding some tattoos! I wonder if Rachel has the exact same ones.
The men then sit down to play a little Never Have I Ever. The highlights: Peter and Alex claim they haven’t thought about having sex with Rachel, which is an absolute lie; Alex peed in the mansion pool; Alex, Peter, and Will have texted nude selfies (but Alex’s was well lit and “classy”); Fred has hooked up with someone twice his age; Fred knew Rachel before the show, which we knew; and Will, Peter, and Brian all admit to kissing Rachel. That last one hits Fred hard because he claims that Rachel is “so deeply rooted in my soul.” It’s time for this guy to step up his game.
That night, Alex tells Rachel about eyeballs — apparently looking into someone’s left eye means you’re being open because the left eye goes to emotions and the right eye goes logic. I know there’s a left and right brain, but I’ve never heard of corresponding eyes. But whatever, it gets the guy a kiss, so good for him.
(Next: The worst first kiss ever)
Rachel then has quick visits with her favorites — Bryan and Peter — before Fred tries to make his move. He’s been waiting 20 years to kiss this woman and never once registered that maybe it hasn’t happened because she’s not into it. Instead, he decides to focus on his chance, and he wants it to be as perfect as possible. So, he lights some candles, takes Rachel up to the rooftop, and tells her how he feels. And just as his words make her tear up, he kisses her. JUST KIDDING.
Fred’s idea of the perfect first kiss involves telling Rachel about “creating that moment” and then hoping that simply saying that means he’s created said moment, despite the fact that they’re sitting on opposite ends of the couch right now. “Is this the time that you feel that I can kiss you?” he asks her, to which Rachel literally recoils. She’s never been asked before, and guess what? She hates it!
Then, instead of reading the moment and letting it go, Fred tries to pretend like the question never happened and instead create a sexy moment out of nowhere by telling her, “I want you to know…” and then kissing her. NO DUDE. You can’t just call a redo and hope she’ll remember it as a spontaneous kiss and not the most uncomfortable situation in her life!
But for Fred, it was perfect. In that moment, he claims he could picture their wedding day — 50 bucks says in his vision, he asked her if he could kiss her at the altar. Spoiler: Rachel didn’t have the same sort of epiphany. When she pulls him aside a few minutes later, it’s not to give him the date rose. It’s to give him the boot. She just can’t let go of the image of Fred she had before the show. (Not to mention that in the one moment she wanted him to be bad Fred, he was far too polite.) As she says in a moment that I hope Fred never sees, “It was like a little boy was kissing me.” That hurts ME, and I don’t even care.
So with Fred going home to find his next “older” woman, Rachel gives the date rose to Alex.
The next day, Rachel has a one-on-one date with Anthony, a.k.a. that nice guy we’ve heard talk twice at most. Today, they’re riding horses around Rodeo Drive because L.A. is a magical land. Without ever dismounting, Rachel and Anthony manage to buy cowboy boots, a belt buckle, cowboy hats, and a couple of new jackets. Anthony does hop off his horse once, but only because it’s really important: They stop by a Sprinkles ATM, where there’s something called a “horse cupcake.” And as someone who regularly visits Sprinkles, I’m betting that’s just a larger version of their dog cupcakes. Also, did they not have enough time to come up with a more creative name?
The cupcakes, however, turn out to be a terrible idea when Ted, Anthony’s horse, takes a s— in the middle of a store, which might be the most accurate representation of L.A. I’ve ever seen: So glamorous, but a little full of s—.
That night, the two sit at a table overlooking the L.A. skyline as Anthony explains why he’s an “old soul” and how he was raised in a family that was “rich in love.” Now, all Anthony wants is to pay it forward, and Rachel is loving it. After she gives him the date rose, they head to a private concert where Anthony lands a kiss and proves that he has no idea what to do with his hands during a slow dance.
Back at the house, Eric’s anxiety has him talking up a storm, and when Iggy interjects to defend Rachel’s motives — apparently Eric isn’t sure about her — Eric loses his mind. For the 100th time tonight, I find myself questioning why these guys are fighting and just generally not caring. The best part? When Iggy walks away, Eric, who has just stopped screaming, claims, “I can deal with uncomfortable conversations.” CLEARLY.
The next day, Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, and Eric head out on a group date. After they make some offensive comments about how it’s probably a shopping date if a woman is “taking charge,” Rachel introduces the guys to the women who planned today’s date: Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis, all of whom are from Nick’s season of The Bachelor. For those of you who watched Nick’s season, you should know exactly what to expect from a date planned by these women: a party bus, followed by mud wrestling (in a very small ring).
(Next: Lee vs. Eric)
First up in the mud is Brady (whose hair I definitely should remember but still don’t) and Bryce, who considers himself the most athletic guy in the house, so it’s no surprise that he comes out victorious — though the real winner is arguably Brady’s hair. (It’s definitely not the woman yelling, “Let me see your junk,” and knocking the female gender down a peg.)
Dean and Lee both win a match before Kenny starts picking off guys left and right. To be fair, this guy’s a professional wrestler. And yet, let us all remember that much of wrestling is fake, which is probably why Bryce comes out the victor of the tournament.
While the guys rinse off — they’re literally given a hose — Rachel asks her girls for their opinions. Dean’s definitely the favorite, but when it comes to concerns, Raven tells Rachel that both Bryce and Lee mentioned Eric as the worst fit for Rachel.
That night, Kenny admits he used to be a Chippendale dancer — and then gives Rachel a little dance to prove it — before Rachel makes the rounds. (Yeah, she’s not even sort of interested in anything Jack’s saying.) When she finally sits down with Eric, he admits that he’s feeling vulnerable and needs to know where she’s at. She tells him that she wants to get to know him, but before they can do that, she lets him know that Bryce and Lee both questioned his motives today.
Heading back to the guys, Eric wants answers… but only from Lee, because he can tell by Bryce’s energy alone that he’s a good guy who meant no harm. Lee explains repeatedly that he loves Eric TO DEATH but considering Eric’s lack of relationship experience, Lee thinks Eric has the most to learn. Lee then admits that hearing Eric scream at Iggy the other night, things changed for him. Well, they did, but they didn’t. He still loves Eric, but that screaming was weird. But he still loves him. But wow. That screaming.
Both Eric and Lee agree they’ll figure this out later, but as far as Eric’s concerned, Lee “has a lot of snake in his DNA,” which sounds like a fun sci-fi movie. I can picture it now: This Guy’s a Snake starring Nicolas Cage in the lead role of a man who is captured and injected with snake DNA, causing him to grow a snake tongue. Look out, Hollywood! I’m coming for you!
At the end of the night, it’s Rachel who brings the twist: She gives the date rose to Eric, thereby giving us the end to our movie: Snake Dude — his official name — is defeated by Angry Man, who kills him by screaming at him until he kills himself. Okay, I’ll stop now.
We’ve made it to the cocktail party, where Eric is focused on giving out good energy, and Iggy is focused on telling Rachel the truth. He tells Rachel that Eric questions how genuine she’s being in this process and admits he questions if Eric’s the best person for her. He then finds Eric to let him know what he just told Rachel. Eric can’t seem to wrap his head around why Iggy cares — he’s a man! He’s not dating Eric! — but in the end, the two part on good terms.
But Eric’s not done yet. When Lee sits down with Rachel, he too tells Rachel all about Eric’s yelling at Iggy (all the while pretending that creating drama just hurts him so much).
Rachel, looking for answers, then tracks down Eric and wants to know why his name keeps coming up. Eric promises that he never questioned her, and she chooses to believe him. But from here on out, she warns him that she’ll be watching him.
Keeping that in mind, Eric gathers the guys and lets Angry Man out of his cage. He’s sick of his name being thrown around, and when Lee dares to claim that “it’s not about you,” Eric’s voice reaches new decibels as he screams, “It is about me! My name is in your mouth!” And if Rachel can’t hear that, then this mansion is impressively sound-proofed.
Unable to take anymore man fights, I’m going to leave you all until next week. If you need me before then, I’ll be avoiding all men everywhere.