Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis stop by before DeMario falls from grace
Credit: Michael Yada/ABC

DeMario. DeMario. DeMario. I would like to thank you for your service, because you have taught men everywhere some very important lessons about life and love:

1. Don’t cheat.
2. If you do cheat, don’t go on national television unless you want to get caught.
3. Perhaps most importantly, don’t use the word “wifey” so much.

I’m not sure what life lessons DeMario has in store for us next week, but I, for one, am looking forward to it. For now, let’s talk about Rachel’s week two.

While she gets ready for her first group date, Chris Harrison officially welcomes the men to the mansion, where DeMario can’t get over how good Rachel smells. With a subtle “I hope everybody’s here for the right reasons,” Harrison drops off the first date card of the season. On it is: Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas, whose “whaboom” enthusiasm has significantly decreased from night one (and we’re all thankful for it).

At the date, Rachel is grilling up some lunch for a little cookout followed by a game of football. To summarize: Lucas is not good at football, and he’s even worse at listening. Proof? Rachel reminds him that she’s in a dress and he picks up her up and spins her around anyway.

After football, the men head to meet the day’s special guests: Bachelor fans Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, who tell the guys how much they love Rachel before letting them know that Rachel’s “looking for a man with health insurance.” But according to everyone on the date, they all have jobs, which leads me to wonder: What do “Whaboom” and “Tickle Monster” define as jobs?! Also, #neverforget that Blake is an “aspiring” drummer.

The celebs introduce the men to an obstacle course that will prove if they’re husband material. According to this date, husband material means being able to change a dirty diaper, use a baby Bjorn, vacuum, remove hair from a drain, retrieve a ring from a sink, set a table, and run with flowers. I’d like to take a second here to remind you all that Nick’s first group date last season involved a sexy wedding photo shoot and women getting topless, whereas Rachel wants to see if the men can change a diaper. Any questions as to why The Bachelorette has a much higher success rate??

As the only father in the group, Kenny’s super confident that his memories of “yellow poop” will help him in this venture. But Ashton’s not so sure. In fact, Ashton makes a bold claim that just might be the smartest thing he’s ever said on television: He doesn’t think Rachel’s guy is in this group. Why? Because when he met Mila, he “knew on day one,” says the man who met his now-wife in 1998 and married another woman before he and Mila tied the knot in 2015. But it’s a smooth line, and as Mila Kunis puts it, “Someone’s definitely getting laid tonight.”

As the guys start the obstacle course, it’s no surprise that Iggy is the first one in the doghouse, because he’s the same person who thought that changing a diaper would be easy because “I poop every day,” which begs the question: Is he wearing a man diaper right now?

Blake isn’t far behind Iggy, and in the end, the race comes down to Lucas versus Kenny. Sure, Lucas drowned his baby, but let’s be honest: We all saw that Lifetime movie coming from a mile away.

It comes down to a final sprint, and in a moment of panic, Lucas stiff-arms Kenny and takes home the win (which gets him nothing). He then takes said win and turns it into a loss when he tries to get Ashton Kutcher to “whaboom.” However, watching Mila explain “whaboom” might be the greatest moment of the season thus far.

Mila: “That’s the sound that he makes.”
Ashton: “For what?”
Mila: “Like excitement.”
Ashton: “Why?”
Mila: “Just ’cause he can.”

Lucas demonstrates, but Ashton — who might’ve done something similar during his Punk’d days — calls a foul on the play. But that’s only the beginning. According to Blake, all this stuff with Lucas ends tonight.
(Next: Lucas vs. Blake)

That evening, Rachel takes Lucas aside, which gives Blake an opportunity to tell the guys that he’s actually known Lucas for three years and has reason to believe that Lucas simply wants fame. The guys, less than impressed, are confident Rachel will figure that out on her own, but at the moment, it’s less likely that Lucas’ whaboom sends him home and more likely that his poem does. He just rhymed “smile” with “entile,” which made Rachel laugh because…

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Lucas then gets a petty peck on the lips before Rachel once again explains to Fred that he is and always will be that horrible kid from camp. (But really? What did he do that was so bad? There’s no way he was just rude. The fact that she can’t shake it means we’re talking about a level 2 playground offense, at least. You know, the decisions that earn you a nickname you never manage to shake.)

With each guy, Rachel’s evening becomes less and less romantic until Jonathan hits peak awkward when he lectures her about the keys to changing a diaper. And you know all romance is dead the second someone brings up diaper rash.

But even though the night is lacking in romance, there’s plenty of Lucas drama to go around. While Lucas explains that there’s no difference between “whaboom” and “Lucas” — like a samurai and his sword, they are one — Blake pulls Rachel aside and tells her that his roommate is actually Lucas’ ex, which is why Blake knows that Lucas — who apparently works in real estate? — is here for the wrong reasons. And to prove it, she can just check out his pores. That guy has on makeup!

Blake, like one of those guys who refuse to believe their joke is bad so they just keep telling it, then goes to Lucas and calls him out on being on the show to further his “whaboom” career. Meanwhile, I’d still like to know what a “whaboom” career is. (One thing’s for sure: It will definitely involve throat surgery at some point.)

Lucas, however, is simply sorry that Blake doesn’t have a “whaboom” of his own and decides to turn the tables back on the sex addict. Remember Blake’s roommate? Well apparently, she thinks Blake is crazy, and I guess is currently being evicted from Blake’s house?! All I know is that this poor woman dated Lucas and lived with Blake, so there’s a good chance they drove her mad.

And just when you thought this fight was boring, Lucas says, “The only leg that I have to stand on are my two legs!” Whaboom.

Thankfully, Rachel isn’t witnessing this. Instead, she’s getting her first real connection of the night when she gets a moment alone with Dean and his pretty blue eyes. So it’s no surprise that Dean gets the date rose, and, after walking Rachel to her car, he also lands what Rachel claims is a very sincere kiss. For Dean, he wouldn’t say a switch flipped tonight, but he would say a toggle got turned up a little bit, so we can go ahead and add “wordsmith” to this guy’s description.

The next day, it’s time for the first one-on-one date of the season with Peter, but first, a soundbite from Josiah and DeMario’s conversation at the mansion. According to Josiah, “In the jungle, it’s kill or be eaten.” So close.

For Peter’s date, the two of them are joined by Rachel’s dog Copper for a doggy-filled day in Palm Springs. First up, they get to take a private jet, where Peter proves he’s on his A-game with this interaction:

Rachel (talking about the dog): “If you touch him, that’s all he needs.”
Peter: “I feel like that’s most guys.”

Their first stop is Barkfest, a dog heaven that involves dog smoothies, a dog photo booth, and even a dance party, all of which Peter uses to blow Rachel’s mind.
(Next: Love & Basketball)

That night, Rachel and Peter discuss their matching gap teeth, which, not-so-fun fact, runs in Peter’s family. As he puts it, if they have kids, “they’re pretty much screwed.” But Rachel’s proud of her gap, and she has been ever since the day her dentist told her it added character. Aaaand that’s about as long as I’m willing to write about gap teeth, so moving on, Rachel hits Peter with the most asked question on this show: “How are you still single?” (It’s better than the second most asked question: “You know people are going to see this, right?”)

Peter admits that he’s had his heart broken a few times, the latest of which caused him to go see a relationship therapist, whom he claims really helped him. And if the gap teeth wasn’t enough like looking in a mirror, Rachel freaks out and admits that she too went to a relationship therapist. *Chandler Bing voice: Could these two BE any more alike?* And does that make them super compatible or a little too similar?

Either way, Rachel is a “smitten kitten” as she plants one on Peter and takes him outside for some fireworks, where Copper steals the show by WEARING DOGGY HEADPHONES so that he, too, can enjoy the firework show.

The next day, it’s time for Rachel’s group date with Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario, for which the guys are going to be playing some basketball. And as DeMario puts it, “You can either sink with the fishes or you can swim to shore.” In quite literally no world do fish sink, dude. Even when they’re dead, they float.

When the guys arrive at the gymnasium, Josiah cannot get over Rachel’s tights. (They’re workout pants, but whatever.) As he puts it, they “fit her body like a Coca-Cola bottle.” I’m sorry, WHAT? When this guy thinks someone’s hot, does he picture them trapped inside a life-size bottle, and what does that say about him?!

Getting to the basketball, today’s special guest is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who has about 40 years and 2 feet on most of these guys. He’s here to see which guys have “character,” and the answer definitely isn’t DeMario, who dunks on Rachel before comparing himself to Michael Jordan, Tom Brady, and Derek Jeter. (And you know a guy’s a loser when he calls himself a winner.)

After Kareem fulfills his obligation to the show tries to explain why basketball and romance are connected — they’re about teamwork! — he tells the guys that it’s time to suit up. Because this showing wasn’t embarrassing enough, they’re going to make them play in front of a (very small) crowd.

DeMario, for one, thinks it’s a great idea, because as the old saying goes, “women, in general, they love watching their men play basketball.” Also, did DeMario just say he was going to represent for Kareem? Because, much like women in general, there’s no way KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR wants any part of that.

Long story short, the game isn’t great, and DeMario’s team loses, despite the fact that he can list three of the most well-known basketball players of all time at the drop of a hat. And here’s where DeMario’s loss on the court becomes a loss off the court.

While the guys are in the locker room, Rachel gets a visit from a woman named Lexi — no idea if that’s actually how she spells it — who claims that the man she’d been seeing for seven months stopped talking to her, and three days later, she saw him on Rachel’s After the Final Rose. Spoiler: It’s DeMario, and according to Lexi, he never broke up with her.

When Rachel heads back to the locker room to grab DeMario, the guys all think he’s getting the rose, but instead, he gets a visit from his ex, WHOM HE PRETENDS NOT TO KNOW. But, unfortunately for him, this is not a “new phone, who dis” situation. DeMario admits that he and Lexi were “on again, off again” but claims that he DID break up with her because she was “crazy.” But when he fails to remember the specifics of when he called it off, Rachel has no choice but to look at the text messages in Lexi’s phone. Brief pause for my favorite rebuttal of the fight, which happened right after Lexi claimed he still has keys to her place:

DeMario: “I mailed those keys to your apartment.”
Lexi: “I check my mailbox every day.”
(Next: Boy, Bye)

After DeMario embarrassingly says “sexual intercourse” like he’s teaching Physical Education, Rachel reads the texts, in which DeMario promises to “work harder” at his relationship with Lexi. In other words, it doesn’t look like he dropped her for being crazy, and Rachel is not one to be played. “I’m really gonna need you to get the f— out,” Rachel tells him LIKE A BOSS. So if any of you were wondering why she’s the Bachelorette, you just got your answer.

Rachel drops DeMario like he’s hot, and he is on his way home. BOY, BYE.

In the car, DeMario claims his character was “assassinated” — yes, because you looked so good leading up to this — while Rachel gives a second “boy, bye” to Chris Harrison as she heads to the locker room because she’s not about to have anyone else lie to her. Getting emotional, she tells the guys what just happened and informs them that if any of them aren’t keeping it real, they can go home too. For now, she’s heading back to the hotel to get ready for the evening portion of their date.

That night, it’s not surprising that DeMario is the topic of conversation, with each guy finding a way to check in on Rachel — though it’s Josiah who really stands out to her when he gets protective and talks about the “tears coming out of your eyes.” Yeah, next time you can just stop at “tears,” k?

Josiah lands the first kiss of the night — and the loudest of the season so far — followed by a hug that will make you cringe, but thankfully, Rachel didn’t have to watch it, so in her book, Josiah’s sitting pretty.

The other men take varying approaches, from being sincere to scarring her with a truly terrible old Russian folk song. And then there’s Eric, who wants to know all about Rachel’s “love language,” and even after she tells him multiple times how important physical touch is to her, she’s still the one that has to initiate the kiss.

At the end of the night, the date rose goes to Josiah, which means he, Dean, and Peter are all safe heading into the cocktail party.

Speaking of which, Rachel arrives at the mansion the next day ready to put DeMario behind her. First up, she catches up with Bryan, who whips out a massage table to help her relieve some stress. But her stress isn’t over just yet because DeMario is at the front gate.

While Chris Harrison and the elite Bachelorette security team figure out what he wants — to explain himself to Rachel — the guys inside the house are building Barbie dream houses and making Rachel participate in thumb wars because apparently, they’re all 8 years old.

Harrison eventually pulls Rachel aside and updates her on the situation. He tells her that DeMario’s outside (leaving out the part where poor sad DeMario claimed that the basketball game was a “high” of his life), and she admits that she’s interested in what he could possibly have to say. With that, she agrees to walk out and meet him. But the guys aren’t far behind.

That’s right. All of the men in the house decide it’s time to step up and get DeMario “out of here” because there’s nothing like an uninvited mob of testosterone to help a solve a situation in a calm manner. Although, based on how the night was going, maybe they’ll challenge DeMario to a thumb war.

With that, I leave you for another week. If you need me before then, I’ll be looking into what it is that “Tickle Monster” does for a living, so if I’m not around to recap next week, you all know who the top suspect should be.

Episode Recaps

The Bachelorette

One single woman searches for her future husband amid a sea of studs in this romantic reality series. Will you accept this rose?

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