Chad leaves a trail of mini-Chads in his wake as the guys head to Uruguay

By Samantha Highfill
June 21, 2016 at 04:29 PM EDT
Credit: ABC

Well guys, we did it. We made it through a week without The Bachelorette, and now, we finally get to find out what happens when you poke the Chad bear. Spoiler alert: He gives you a firm handshake before heading home to sell luxury real estate and pack his bags for Bachelor in Paradise.

We pick up just as the guys are toasting to a Chad-less existence and remembering the man Wells calls “arguably the worst person anyone has ever met.” (Somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer is pissed that his title’s been taken.)

Giving Chad a memorial, the guys each take a handful of his protein powder and throw it into the Pennsylvania wilderness, no doubt causing a number of small creatures to increase their muscle mass.

Punting the (perfectly nice) jar into the woods, Wells says, “Death to tyrants,” continuing with the tyrant comparisons for Chad. But like all great tyrants, Chad doesn’t go down without a fight. So when he knocks on the door, it’s Daniel who answers. I’d say there’s a 70-percent chance Daniel’s genuinely oblivious when he asks Chad, “How was your date?”

Chad tells the guys how Alex outed him to JoJo before explaining that when he’s backed into a corner, “sometimes you have to do things that aren’t pretty.” Jordan tries to calm Chad down with an apology, but all he does is become the subject of Chad’s ire. Chad discloses that when he’s attacked, his only answer is to get physical — though as Wells tells him, another great option is to simply say “whatever.”

But “whatever” is not in Chad’s extensive vocabulary. Instead, he decides Jordan is the problem. When Jordan shakes Chad’s hand, Chad grips it like he’s The Rock in Fast & Furious 6, but at this point, the guys are done with Chad’s intimidation tactics.

While Daniel stands in the back eating, still unsure of what’s going on and clearly wondering how the date went, Evan steps forward and asks Chad for his shirt money. Chad, however, is shocked Evan is so poor considering he owns what I can only assume Chad called “dick companies.” But as Jordan leads all the men away from the drama, Chad twirls his way out. It’s a full moon, so clearly he has to go turn into a werewolf now.

By the time Alex returns to the suite, the guys pick him up and chant “dragon slayer,” clearly mixing up their many metaphors for Chad. They then decide it’s a good idea to light sparklers indoors before they forget their earlier incantation and start a new one, yelling “slayer of the dragon” at Alex. (The chants get wordier the drunker they get.)

With Chad gone, it’s time for the cocktail party, where Chase first tries to suffocate JoJo by squeezing both of them into a Knocker Ball before Robby takes her outside to make a wish in the fountain, during which he talks repeatedly about how he can’t tell her about his wish before he tells her that he wished they’d end up engaged. (I’m thinking JoJo wished his voice was just one octave lower.)

Inside, tension grows between the guys with roses and the guys without roses. Example A: Just as James F. reads JoJo a poem he wrote her, Alex (a rose holder!) steals her away before she can even fully thank him.

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Then there’s Luke, who steals JoJo from a rose-less Daniel. But Luke has important things to say. After he tells JoJo he’s falling for her, he explains, “My heart beats a lot faster when I’m with you,” and despite the fact that he just lied to her face, JoJo loves it.

NEXT: Rose ceremony No. 1

With Chad gone, the guys start to realize they’ve lost their common enemy, and as Evan puts it, that has caused a number of the guys to turn into mini-Chads, meaning they can only lift half their body weight.

After Jordan grabs JoJo and pushes her up against a wall (that was clearly a lot further away than he thought) for a kiss, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Luke, Jordan, and Alex already have roses as JoJo hands additional roses to Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James T., and Evan. That means we’re saying goodbye to James F. and Daniel. Daniel tells the guys to “take care, eh” before he explains JoJo was clearly going after personality because his sucks. If she were going for looks, he’d obviously still be in the game. Then again, there are millions of guys in the world, so his odds of getting JoJo were slim. Or as he puts it, he has a “better chance of getting struck by lightning while shaving my face.” (That might be the one thing less likely than Daniel ending up with JoJo.)

James F., on the other hand, is someone I’ll miss. He owns a boxing club but writes poetry. There’s something there, producers! Save him!

Meanwhile, the remaining guys are heading to “where South America’s most elite go to play.” Nope, not Brazil. Nope, not Argentina. Not Peru either. This is where the elite go, guys. So obviously we’re headed to Uruguay, otherwise known as the country that’s not Paraguay and that none of the men can properly pronounce.

Arriving in Uruguay, the guys walk down the beach. Not only do they have their shirts on, but Vinny’s wearing a kickass fedora. By the time they get to their hotel, there’s a date card waiting for them, and it’s Jordan who scores the one-on-one.

While Jordan heads off to get on a boat with JoJo, the guys decide Jordan sucks. Wells claims he’s just here “to get another stamp on his passport” — literally, or is this a metaphor? — and Vinny can tell by Jordan’s demeanor that he’s not here for the right reasons.

So as JoJo takes Jordan to go swimming with some seals — where she straddles a man whose feet are not touching the ground and nearly kills them both — the guys spend some time at Vinny’s barbershop (which just came with the suite?). While Vinny cuts Alex’s hair, the guys get their hands on an issue of InTouch that features a piece on JoJo and her ex-boyfriend, Chad, the guy she dated before The Bachelor (also known as the guy who tried to win her back during her hometown date with Ben).

In the magazine, Chad claims they were dating the entire time JoJo was on The Bachelor and that she’s still in love with him. By the time the next date card arrives for Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex, the guys are all doubting JoJo’s intentions.

Jordan, however, has no doubts. “When I say I’m falling in love with you, I am,” Jordan says, explaining the very basic idea of honesty. But JoJo has a few questions. It seems she knows one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends, and she told JoJo a thing or two about how Jordan wasn’t the best boyfriend.

When JoJo confronts Jordan with what she’s heard, we get our first glimpse at how he handles playing under pressure — and it’s not great. But eventually, Jordan manages to form words and explain he was a bad boyfriend at the time because he was focused solely on his career. “I wasn’t the best person,” he tells JoJo before denying he cheated. JoJo wishes she could read his mind, to which he responds, “I’m really not thinking anything.” (Well, at least we know he’s a bad liar.)

But Jordan assures JoJo he’s a different man now and that he’s ready for marriage. And no, he didn’t cheat. Did he mention he didn’t cheat? Because he didn’t.

NEXT: Chad’s suck

Feeling confident in the man in front of her, JoJo gives Jordan the rose. She trusts he’s being truthful, so she takes him on a walk where they find a street band and proceed to let people dance around them while they make out. (This is why so many countries hate Americans.)

Heading back to the hotel, JoJo is on cloud nine. She’s just had one of the best dates of her life, and as she decides nothing could take away her happiness, a sniper producer is poised, waiting for the perfect moment to hand her the InTouch article. And when JoJo finds out the men have seen it, she breaks down.

JoJo’s transported back to a terrible time in her life where yet another man named Chad tried to bring her down. Putting on her robe, she heads down to confront the men and tell them she’s not faking anything. She wants to be here and she is here for the right reasons. The guys instantly decide the article that was such a big deal a few hours ago is a “non-issue.”

All JoJo really wants to know is if Jordan read it, and he says the guys caught him up. But he assures her that, much like his non-cheating, this is not a big deal.

The next day, Robby and Jordan take their coifs to the spa for facials, pedicures, and in Jordan’s case, a snack, while the other guys go sandboarding. Yes, poor Evan is on this date.

Thankfully for him, though, the date is cut short when it starts raining. Instead, the guys focus on the evening portion of the date, where Luke promises JoJo he believes in her good intentions before James does the same. Poor JoJo is “so done with Chads.”

Back at the hotel, there’s a knock on the door, which obviously means Robby’s date card has arrived. After attempting — and failing — a McConaughey “alright, alright, alright,” Robby decides it’s time for “America” to know who’s in love with JoJo. (It’s him.) But any guy who mentions “America” deserves to be watched carefully, if you ask me. Why does he care what we think?

The group date grows more and more awkward as Derek gets more and more jealous until finally, he tells JoJo he’s back. (Where he went, I have no idea, but she seems pretty excited.) However, Alex is not excited. He thinks JoJo needs someone secure, which is why, during his time with her, he talks about how “you can’t find this with text messages.” So by secure, he means technologically averse?

Regardless, JoJo decides to give Derek the date rose for “reassurance,” something she makes the mistake of mentioning in front of the other guys. Just like that, Alex labels the rose a “pity rose.”

The next day, JoJo hangs out with a stray dog while waiting for Robby, who’s rocking his brightest shirt for his one-on-one. Walking through town, Robby decides to try on a newsboy cap when JoJo gives us the season’s biggest lie yet. She tells Robby, “You look like Ryan Gosling out of The Notebook right now.” Sure, and I look just like Blake Lively.

NEXT: Rose ceremony No. 2

For JoJo, today is all about enjoying the culture in Uruguay, which means eating food from very inquisitive food-truck workers who want to know if Robby and JoJo are going to get married. As Robby puts it, “very posible,” somehow forgetting the one Spanish word everyone knows: muy.

But if you thought Robby’s shirt was bright, just wait until he reveals his neon swimming shorts as he gets ready to cliff jump. He might be an All-American swimmer, but clearly JoJo feels safe swimming with him because she knows if they’re in danger, anyone within 10 miles will be able to spot those shorts and save them.

Back at the suite, Chase and Alex want to make themselves feel better by picking on Derek, so they ask him why JoJo would say he needed “reassurance.” Umm, probably because he needed reassurance? Alex is really hung up on this pity rose, but Derek’s not a fan of the Mean Girls vibe. Don’t worry, though, because Alex is done. As he puts it, “There are men here that are moving forward.” Yeah, his name is Derek because unlike you, he has a rose, dude.

For the evening portion of the date, Robby tells JoJo about something he’s been thinking about for weeks (probably five, since that’s how long they’ve been doing the show). Last year, his best friend died in a car accident, which caused Robby to change his outlook on life. Within six months, he quit his job, moved, and dumped his girlfriend. He decided life’s too short not to be happy. Building to the big moment, Robby says, “Gravity’s going to take you where it goes, it’s the same with love.” (I feel like we know where gravity is going to take us, though.)

Either way, Robby tells JoJo he has fallen in love with her, to which she responds by thanking him. Sweaty Robby then gets the date rose and decides love is always a two-way street. “If it’s there on one side, it’s there on the other,” he says, deciding the rose means JoJo’s “on the path to loving me back.” And if that naiveté wasn’t enough to make you cringe, JoJo takes Robby to the beach for a fireworks show.

The next day, the guys walk through rain to the cocktail party, where Evan’s planning for his heart to yell “please” at JoJo. But it’s Derek who makes the first bold move of the night. Before JoJo arrives, he asks to speak to Mean Girls Robby, Chase, Alex and Jordan outside. Clearly…

Alex = Regina

Jordan = Gretchen

Chase = Cady

Robby = Karen

According to Derek, the guys have formed a high-school clique, but they’re not buying any of it. Much like Chad’s article, Jordan thinks this is a non-issue, and Alex — who can only be seen by some camera angles, thanks to his height — claims Derek’s just being sensitive.

At the end of the day, Chase would rather focus on JoJo than Derek. So as the guys head back inside, Luke asks for the summary. Wells gives Derek props for saying how he feels, but Chase is not a fan of Derek’s timing. And yet, none of it matters when Chris Harrison informs the guys there will be no cocktail party. JoJo’s mind is made up. Three men will be going home, and things aren’t looking good for Evan, who’s not even the “freakin frontrunner” in his own heart.

JoJo gives roses to Luke, Chase, Alex, James, and Wells, which means Vinny, Evan, and Grant are going home. Now the question is: Which will they miss most, JoJo or Luke’s manboobs?

Alright, guys. I will see you next week. If you need me before then, I’ll be googling the effects of protein powder on squirrels.

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The Bachelorette

Chris Harrison hosts the romantic reality competition series in which one single woman searches for her future husband amid a sea of studs. Will you accept this rose?

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