It's Robby vs. Jordan in the race for JoJo's heart. And the winner is...

By Samantha Highfill
August 02, 2016 at 01:36 PM EDT
Credit: ABC/Matt Klitscher

Some of us never thought this day would come: The day on which JoJo would choose between the guy who loves skinny jeans and hair product and the other guy who loves skinny jeans and hair product. Yet, somehow, we’ve made it. This season, we watched the Little Marine That Could stand up to Big Bad Chad, who found his one true love in the form of protein powder and lunch meats. We watched Wells struggle to overcome his awkwardness, and we listened to every “eh” Daniel gave us.

All that has gotten us here, to Thailand, where JoJo is ready to introduce her family to Jordan. Preparing her family for what’s to come, JoJo warns them she’s in love with both men but hasn’t told either of them. Her concern with Jordan is he’s the kind of guy she usually goes for, and she’s worried he could break her heart. She follows that by telling her family she wants them to have confidence he won’t hurt her, you know, right after she just said she’s worried he might hurt her.

Greeting Jordan, JoJo tells him, “I’m sorry I’m so sticky,” to which he responds, “Yeah you are!” All I can think is thank God no one from her family saw/heard that.

The moment mom sees Jordan, she’s INTO it. So into it, in fact, she lands herself two hugs before Jordan even has the chance to sit down. (I’m half-convinced that second hug actually served as a tackle to get him on the couch.)

Once seated, JoJo proceeds to tell her family she and Jordan have great banter – because that needs explaining — before Jordan passes out the gifts he brought for all of them. It seems Jordan’s family has a tradition of embarrassing each other — like going on reality shows and trash-talking older brothers — so Jordan gave them all silly hats.

In what I can only describe as a missed opportunity, we don’t get to see the brothers’ hats. But we do get mom telling Jordan, a bit too enthusiastically, “Insult me!” (Did we just learn way too much about mom?)

Pulling Jordan aside, mom wants some answers. Jordan assures her that he sees himself married in the next year or two, but when mom asks about all the female attention Jordan MUST be getting, he tells her JoJo is his best friend and the person he wants to wake up with every day. He gives mom his word that he’ll never break JoJo’s heart, though technically, when she asks for his word, he says “Absolutely not.” But I think it works?

Mom goes to JoJo a bit concerned that Jordan and JoJo are too much alike, but JoJo’s not hearing it. She thinks her mom’s being paranoid. Mom, thinking Jordan is the life of the party, asks JoJo, “Who doesn’t like Jordan?” (Somewhere, Aaron Rodgers is raising his hand.)

Elsewhere, Jordan is talking to dad and telling him he looks forward to proving himself. However, he won’t be proving himself anytime soon, because sitting with JoJo’s dad, Jordan finds himself thinking about the fact that Robby’s still here. And so long as there’s another coiffed ‘do around, he can’t bring himself to ask her dad for JoJo’s hand in marriage.

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Just like that, we get no brother action. I mean, these guys found a way to have a problem with Ben, who’s literally the nicest. You’re going to tell me they just liked Jordan, no questions asked?! I don’t believe it for a second.

Walking Jordan out, JoJo yells after him that “It went so good!” before moving to her next introduction.

NEXT: Robby meets the family…

Showing up wearing a dark undershirt under his unbuttoned white shirt, Robby wishes JoJo’s mother a Happy Mother’s Day, but mom quickly tosses his flowers on the table, clearly less impressed with this physical specimen. Getting straight into it, mom asks Robby, “What is it about my baby girl that you like?” Robby, always sharp as a pillow, responds that JoJo is both “smart and intelligent.” He calls her a “no-brainer,” which is ironic, because at this point, Robby’s talking like he has no brain.

It takes roughly five minutes for Robby to mention the time he told JoJo he loved her in Uruguay, because that’s not at all a bit too personal to talk about in front of her family. Hey, did you guys know Robby told JoJo he loved her in Uruguay? Well, her family now does, in what can only be described as excruciating detail.

Also, has JoJo always had a sister?

Sitting down to talk to her freakishly nice brothers — seriously, who sedated them? — JoJo asks for their thoughts. Basically, they like Robby but they also don’t hate Jordan. Super helpful, right?

As Robby sits down with mom, he tells her JoJo will be the biggest priority in his life. Speaking over some hissing sound I can only assume is a snake in the garden, he promises to build his life around JoJo. And then, bringing dad in on the fun, Robby gets to have the conversation he’s been waiting to have since, YOU GUESSED IT, he told JoJo he loved her in Uruguay.

Talking to both parents, Robby asks Dr. Fletcher — and mom too — for Joelle Hannah Fletcher’s hand in marriage. Actually no, he doesn’t just want her hand. He wants to “care for her and love FOR her for her entire life.” Finishing up what sounds like a prayer, he finally stops talking.

Both parents give their blessing and mom nearly kisses Robby on the lips, pulling away slightly when I can only assume she realizes he’s not Jordan. An emotional dad then finds JoJo and makes her feel like she should choose Robby. “This should be it,” JoJo says, but she’s not ready to make a decision just yet.

After the entire family admits they like them both – but are more Team Robby — it’s JoJo’s hot/angry brother who calls her out: The fact that she keeps wanting to defend Jordan probably means that deep down, she wants to end up with Jordan. But JoJo claims it’s not that simple. Although, the look on her face when she finds out Jordan didn’t ask for her father’s blessing says something else.

Once again being super helpful, her other brother tells her: “One thing’s for damn sure, you’re torn.” Thanks, Captain Obvious.

NEXT: One last date(s)

The next day, JoJo starts her final search for clarity by spending a beach day with Robby, who thankfully left his neon-colored pineapple swim trunks at home. Then again, he just asked if she was “ready for this” before taking his shirt off. And believe it or not, that didn’t give JoJo the “clarity” she needs.

JoJo and Robby spend their day frolicking in the water, which somehow doesn’t mess up his hair. Seriously, does it dry that way?

When JoJo asks Robby what he sees in their future, he tells her he sees them sitting on a comfortable sofa — important detail — while dinner burns in the oven, their dog joins them on the couch, and there’s the “faint noise of kids in the background.” Yes, because small children are known for their “faint noises.”

Proving Robby is a negligent parent in his ideal future, the children — who are only, like, 1 and 2 in this scenario — are off in a bonus room alone while he and JoJo enjoy some wine. When JoJo asks how far off that is, the great parent responds, “nine months plus when they get voices.”

For the evening portion of the date, JoJo meets Robby at his hotel room, where Robby uses his final moments to reassure JoJo he loves her. His definition of reassurance? Telling her that even if he’s out playing golf with his friends, he’ll be “blowing her phone up.” Remember that joke I made about Robby being a Stage 5 Clinger in-the-making? I wasn’t joking.

Robby gives JoJo a collection of photos of the two of them — which he didn’t even care to put in a photo album — one of which reminds her of the moment “when the fireworks went off in each other’s hearts.” The best part has to be Robby telling her there’s “more to come,” to which she says, “What is it? You mean one more photo…” Yeah, clearly she’s not disappointed in that gift.

Leaving Robby, JoJo knows she could accept his proposal with full confidence. But is that enough?

For Jordan’s final date, he’s wearing his shortest shorts to-date to get on a pirate ship and talk about geography. After the two kayak to their own little private beach, JoJo confronts him about the fact that he didn’t ask for her parents’ blessing.

Jordan talks a lot but doesn’t really say anything, saying how he’s always wanted to have that conversation and yet he couldn’t ask that question because he doesn’t know where JoJo stands. But he swears he’s ready. When JoJo asks if not having her parents’ blessing could affect his proposal, he says “I don’t know,” followed by promising that if it were up to him, he’d be down on one knee. So that’s not confusing.

Also, news flash, buddy: Kneeling is pretty literally up to you. Only you are in control of your body.

That night, JoJo’s doubts are back, and poor, inarticulate Jordan tries to reassure her that if he gets down on one knee, it means he’s ready to spend his life with her. That’s all Jordan can say – literally — so JoJo calls it a night.

NEXT: And JoJo picks…

The next day, we kick things off the only way we can: with a close-up on Robby’s man boobs before he meets with Neil Lane to pick the perfect ring. And while Robby writes JoJo one final note — is this a thing now? — Jordan uses this miracle device known as a phone to call her parents and ask for their blessing. Not surprisingly, mom nearly cuts Jordan off to yell “Yes!” through the phone. (Don’t tell me mom’s favorite is Robby. I’ve read all of Cosmo’s body language stories.)

Then it’s Jordan’s turn to meet with Neil Lane — who has no patience for nervous men — before writing JoJo a note and telling her about the phone call.

JoJo, who woke up with a moment of clarity, then has to read both letters before saying goodbye to one of the men. Naturally, Robby’s note is way too long and mentions that time he told her he loved her in Uruguay, but when the first footsteps out of a car, it’s obvious who’s going home: Only one of these guys would be wearing patterned socks with a hint of pink.

Just as Robby tells us “My love for JoJo is as clear as that diamond I picked: it’s flawless,” he walks down to have his heart broken. And if Robby didn’t pick up on the vibe instantly, JoJo’s first reaction is to compliment his (not-that-great) suit. As Robby talks about their fairy-tale love, she starts to cry, and somehow, he still doesn’t realize what’s happening.

Finally, she stops him, telling him, “I can’t let you get down on one knee. I don’t want to take that moment from you.” JoJo tells him she “woke up this morning wanting it to be you. Every day I’ve been wanting it to be you. I fell in love with you, but for some reason, my heart is somewhere else.”

Robby, actually handling himself pretty well, tells her he wants her to be happy. Walking him out, Robby says “Please don’t settle” before wishing her luck and getting in the ultimate depression mobile. Riding away from the woman he loves, you know Robby’s distraught when he wears his seatbelt under his arm like a rebel. For him, saying goodbye was the hard part, which is odd considering he practically ran to get into the car.

JoJo, meanwhile, has once again taken off her heels because f–k it. She can’t stop crying about saying goodbye to Robby…until the instant she remembers Jordan’s on his way. Literally, she’s mid-sentence when she says “I am ready, I am so ready” and her tears seem to stop in an instant.

As soon as Jordan’s plain socks step out of the car, it’s time for the lovey-dovey stuff we all secretly wait for. Jordan tells JoJo she challenges him to be the best version of himself. “I’m so unbelievably in love with you,” he tells her. He promises to “wake up every morning and choose you over and over and over again until you tell me I can’t.” (So is he putting a time limit on this relationship?)

Stopping Jordan, JoJo tells him she loves him. “I’ve been waiting to tell you that I love you,” she says as he gets down on one knee. With both of them shaking, he proposes and she — spoiler alert! — says yes! She then tells him, “I’m in love with you and I love you!” And that’s how you know they’re going to last forever, folks!

After Jordan accepts the final rose — at this point, JoJo is screaming everything — they are finally able to start enjoying the best day of their collective lives.

And with that, we head into the wonderland that is “After the Final Rose”…

First up, Robby takes the hot seat, walking out in an outfit I can only describe as something you’d see in the Capitol of Panem, complete with a whitening job and/or new set of teeth that would make even Caesar Flickerman proud. But what does JoJo think of his new look? If she’s shocked, she hides it well.

After JoJo takes a seat, Robby fumbles through his first question, starting by saying, “After our overnight…which was awesome.” NOT THE TIME OR PLACE, DUDE.

In the end, Robby asks why JoJo’s love for Jordan was stronger than her love for him, making the classic mistake of thinking that feelings can be logically explained. JoJo, backed into a corner where she has no choice but to essentially dump him again, tells Robby she did love him, but her heart was always with Jordan.

Once Robby is ushered off stage, Harrison changes the direction of the conversation to talk about the next Bachelor. But before JoJo can utter the words “Luke for Bachelor,” Chad Bear stands up. After his difficult experience on both The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise — which Harrison calls a “train wreck” — he wants to remind America that “I, as well as other people, deserve love.” Translation: Chad is the only person in all of America who thinks Chad should be the next Bachelor.

Bringing Jordan out to join JoJo, Harrison wastes no time in talking about how tough their relationship has been since the show, what with the tabloids claiming Jordan’s only in it for the fame (not to mention the most hurtful rumor of them all — that he has hair plugs).

But in the end, Jordan says he’s found the love of his life and the person he wants to “do life with,” no matter how hard life gets. And to prove they’re still together and happy, Jordan announces he has his bags packed and ready to move to Dallas as soon as this show ends (literally).

As for wedding plans, they’ve talked about as early as next year, but don’t ask if Aaron Rodgers will show up, because Jordan is NOT ready to talk about it, no matter how badly Harrison it to happen. And to make up for his uncomfortable line of questioning, Harrison is sending the happy couple back to…PENNSYLVANIA! The least exotic/exciting place they went all season!

And with that, the season comes to an end. It’s been a pleasure, guys. Bachelor in Paradise kicks off tomorrow, so if you need me for the next 24 hours, I’ll be pitching ABC a show where Chad is the Bachelor and has to pick between 25 literal pieces of meat. Hey, everyone deserves love.

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The Bachelorette

Chris Harrison hosts the romantic reality competition series in which one single woman searches for her future husband amid a sea of studs. Will you accept this rose?

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