Kaitlyn sleeps with one of the guys ... and then she dies. (But only temporarily.)
Credit: ABC

I’ve decided I’m going to start every week with an important disclaimer: A new, dramatic recap of The Bachelorette starts now!

What do you guys think? Dramatic enough? Well, how’s this: Kaitlyn has sex. Better? Cool.

But before we even get there, we still have to deal with Ian, who has magically swept Kaitlyn off to some unknown corner of the building where the guys can’t find her. But hey, Jared is hoping she’s having a wonderful night, and all Nick wants is for Ian not to question her character.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is having a terrible night while Ian pretty harshly questions her character. In case you all couldn’t tell from his face, Ian is “pretty deep,” and once again, he reiterates that he’s so over Kaitlyn’s movie quotes and everything else that makes her “shallow.” According to Ian, he’s not looking to plow her field. He’s looking for a deeper connection. (I could have so much fun with that, but I’ll just leave it right there.)

Basically, Ian knew who Kaitlyn was coming into this season but was hoping that Chris breaking up with her would’ve turned her into a blubbering mess. But because she prefers laughing to crying, he’s out. Basically, Ian’s soul is where laughter goes to die, and by the time he finishes insulting Kaitlyn, she’s ready to say goodbye.

So Ian leaves, heading straight out of the building and into an SUV, where he ponders how he’s “too deep a thinker” and “too self-aware” for Kaitlyn. See, he went to Princeton, where they DON’T teach classes on cheesy movie quotes, unlike, you know, nowhere.

On his ride away, Ian decides that he’s being “punished for being an intellectual” and having original thoughts. So he’s headed back into the real world, where he doesn’t find that women have trouble relating to him because he’s “too deep.” Instead, they just have trouble relating to him because he’s “an asshole.”

I know this is the smallest thing, but can we talk about how he walks down stairs? I really hate it. You don’t look graceful or cool. Also, did he down like five drinks between his chat with Kaitlyn and the car? Because he seems way more intoxicated in his SUV confessional.

Speaking of which, on his way out of town, Ian makes one final pitch to be the next Bachelor. His big selling point? If he’s the Bachelor, women will be like, “Oh shit I wanna go out with that guy. He’s so deep.” In other news, that would be the first time any woman has ever said that. Honestly, do people use “deep” as much in real life as they do on this show?

But I can’t forget Ian’s perfect final note. After yelling at Kaitlyn for being shallow and for making out with all the guys and only caring about physical stuff, this “deep” fellow’s final thought is: “I need to have some sex.” Little does he know, Kaitlyn will be doing just that very soon … and I’m willing to bet he won’t.

And then there were 11 men left. However, only one is smart enough to find Kaitlyn in her time of need, and of course it’s Nick. He tells Kaitlyn that she’s totally capable of being a deep thinker and stuff and that he loves her movie quotes and dumb humor.

Basically, Nick totally gets her and he wants to know her inside out. [Insert sex joke here.]

Somewhere, Ian just called me shallow.

After about 20 minutes, Shawn finally decides to interrupt Nick’s time, only to find Nick and Kaitlyn kissing. Quite frankly, I’m surprised he had to get close enough to see it, because I’m pretty sure you could hear that makeout echoing throughout the building.

So Shawn turns away and does what he does best: second-guesses everything he knows about his relationship with Kaitlyn (while holding a beer and looking hot).

With Kaitlyn accepting her role as “make-out bandit,” she rejoins the guys to tell them all what an ass Ian is before refusing to let Ian bring down her night. So instead, she’ll let Chris Harrison bring down her night, as he enters to tell her it’s time for the rose ceremony.

NEXT: It’s the end of the road for…

At what might be the most fitting location yet, the men head to The Alamo for tonight’s rose ceremony, where Harrison pulls Kaitlyn aside to remind her that Texas is his home state, and pretty much nothing else. She then gives roses to Jared, Chris, JJ, Joe, Ben Z., and Tanner. And of course, Ben H., Nick, and Shawn already had roses.

That means we’re saying goodbye to Justin—who leaves her with a slightly creepy back rub—and Joshua, who hopefully visits a real barber as soon as he gets home.

As for the remaining guys, they are going to Dublin, where Nick says he wants to take advantage of Kaitlyn the new location because there’s “no better place to fall in love than Ireland.” Is that a thing? Call me crazy, but I don’t think Dublin is known for its romance. Then again, moments later, Kaitlyn claims that Dublin is THE best place for her to fall in love, so maybe these two are meant to be.

All I know is that Cupcake calling Kaitlyn the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow made me die a little bit inside.

As for the other guys, Shawn is super psyched to be here considering his father’s side of the family is Irish, and he and Jared can’t stop using the word “trust” when it comes to Kaitlyn and Nick. They should trust her. They do trust her. They don’t trust him. They hope she doesn’t betray their trust. Etc.

So when Kaitlyn enters the guys’ hotel suite—appropriately excited to “go further” with a few guys this week—she immediately pulls Nick away for the first one-on-one.

Leaving the other guys alone with their very obvious Nick hatred, Nick claims he “just got lucky in Dublin.” Nope … but you’re about to.

Also, how many people would rather watch the Shawn Really Hates Nick Show than The Bachelorette right now? Because I’d really like to forget what’s about to happen.

Walking through the park, Nick gets to experience many sides of Kaitlyn: First, there’s her back—she wore a holey sweater so he could touch her bare skin—and then, there’s her fear of pigeons. And finally, there’s her river dancing skills. And you know what? She doesn’t suck. Nick, on the other hand, 100 percent does. Watching the crowd look at Nick with disgust, I completely understand why foreigners hate Americans. (But here’s the thing: WE HATE HIM TOO.)

To be fair, I give him credit for living in the moment and dancing his ass off, but seriously, did you all look at the crowd? If looks could kill…

Nick then buys Kaitlyn and himself both Claddagh rings, which represent friendship, loyalty, and love and are meant to be worn on the wedding finger. You know, because that won’t cause any drama.

Then they make out.

Then they go to a bar where they make out some more and make Irishmen think that Americans can’t keep it in their pants. Worse than that, Nick makes Irishmen think we say things like “I love kissing those lips.”

So while Kaitlyn and Nick enjoy their “intense,” “rock solid”—wink—chemistry, the men get another date card. This time, the card contains a morbid riddle from Chris Harrison, and it’s sent to Tanner, Ben Z, Shawn, Jared, Ben H, and Chris. The takeaway: JJ and Joe are going on the dreaded two-on-one. Sucks to suck, fellas. Or in their case, sucks to be an overconfident villain and a too-quiet nice guy.

Don’t worry, JJ’s bringing his “inner confidence” on the date. (But has he talked to Clint?)

Okay, we need to have a talk: Whose idea was it to put Kaitlyn and Nick’s dinner date in a church? Because God is not happy with you. Literally all these two do is eat face and touch each other and kiss some more, all the while I’m praying the camera pans to something else. What’s Shawn up to? What’s the chef up to? Hey, is that angel statue crying?

NEXT: Are their mics still on? The Robert Durst Effect

I just can’t deal with this, so I’m going to give you all sound bites, taken in between kisses:

Nick: “I’m dying.”

Kaitlyn: “I know.”

Kaitlyn: “You’re giving me goosebumps.”

Nick: “I’m feeling for you.”

I’m feeling FOR you? That’s such a weird word choice. Look out guys, he’s going to go make love WITH her now!

Not surprisingly, Kaitlyn hands Nick her rose—and a whole lot more—as they head back to her hotel room. Sorry, that’s only after he picks her up and she straddles him in a dress in the middle of the street. It’s official: Americans are going to be banned from Ireland.

Then, in a pretty brilliant move, the producers intercut Kaitlyn and Nick’s big bang with Shawn and Jared talking about Kaitlyn’s motivations and hoping she’s having a bad time. Well, only if by bad time you mean that she hates having Nick’s hand up her skirt.

Meanwhile, Shawn is talking about how he still hasn’t had a conversation with Nick because he doesn’t trust him … and for good reason, because Nick just entered Kaitlyn’s bedroom.

Oh god. Oh god. Make it stop. Wait, are they leaving their mics on? (If so, they’re probably doing something wrong.)

Nick: “This is great.”

Kaitlyn: “I feel good about it all.”

Nick: “I never want this to end.”

Nick: “I want to know every part of you.”

Samantha: *vomits*

But like, what does she mean when she says, “I could get a hold of you.” What exactly is happening? Why am I analyzing this?! For god’s sakes, producers, LEAVE THE ROOM.

The best part of this scarring montage? Jared saying that he hasn’t even seen Nick and Kaitlyn interact. Well trust me, my friend, you don’t want to see them “interacting” right now.

[Insert sex noises here.]

The next morning, Nick enjoys himself a walk of shame, while Kaitlyn experiences all the emotions on her balcony. At first, she’s happy. She’s definitely falling for Nick.

But wait, could this cause an issue with the other guys? Spoiler: Hell yes. Just like that, Kaitlyn goes from giddy to guilty, trying to imagine how she would’ve felt if Chris and Britt had slept together.

And approximately 30 seconds later, that guilt turns into a full-on panic as Kaitlyn worries that Nick could tell the guys. He wouldn’t, right? That’d just be crazy. Right?!

And yes, she’s right. For now, at least. All Nick tells the guys is that they went back to her hotel suite and talked, to which Joe responds by knocking the wind straight out of Nick’s sails, letting him know that Shawn had the same thing happen after the second group date. “It was intimate” is the closest Nick comes to saying anything, but he holds back.

And finally, still on her balcony Kaitlyn enters stage four of the realization process: “What was I thinking? All of it was bad.”

NEXT: A wake … as a date?

Yet, we’ve still got a group date to get to. So with the guys dressed in suits and saying dumb things, like how Ben H feels “better being alive” when he’s around Kaitlyn, we meet up with Chris Harrison, who really hasn’t been in this season enough. He informs the guys that “the worst has happened”—Kaitlyn slept with Nick is dead. For today, at least.

This is where Ben H. redeems himself: “Great. My girlfriend is dead. I’m single once again.”

And just in case you thought any of Kaitlyn’s other dates were uncomfortable or weird, today, the guys are going to celebrate Kaitlyn’s life with an Irish wake. Step 1: Walking inside to give toasts over Kaitlyn’s very much alive body as she lies in a casket and laughs. (In case you all didn’t know, this is how you find love in 2015.)

After Harrison deems Kaitlyn the worst dead person ever, he tells the guys to lighten up and then leaves them to give their toasts. They each take a different approach.

Tanner: Reciting a pretty impressive poem, Tanner gets points for saying, “How I’m still here, nobody knows. Hell, I’m even surprised that I got a rose.” #real

Jared: All Jared does that’s notable is makes fun of Kaitlyn’s old man laugh. And he losses points for kissing her forehead in front of everyone and making it awkward.

Chris: Cupcake sings … about Kaitlyn’s teeth. And then he gives her a “final rose” that’s not in fact a rose. So, to sum things up, he loses this date.

Ben H.: Pulling a similar move to what he did with the sex ed class, Ben spins a lovely web of lies in which Kaitlyn chose him and they had a happy life together … until she went outside wearing a dress made of bread and the pigeons ate her. A little graphic, but fitting. But maybe don’t say, “plucked to death” ever again.

Shawn: Shawn’s approach is simple: Throw Nick under the bus. In Shawn’s world, Kaitlyn took her own life, and he doesn’t blame her, because he’d do the same if he’d spent the entire day with Nick yesterday. OH GOD IF ONLY HE KNEW.

But it actually goes over quite well, with both Kaitlyn and the other guys.

Ben Z.: Yes, Kaitlyn put Ben Z. on this date, because there’s nothing more romantic than putting the guy who lost his mother at a young age on a “date” to a fake wake.

But Ben’s a champ. Asking the other guys to leave the room, Ben can’t help but get emotional in this scenario, so instead of making Kaitlyn laugh, he gives her a very sweet speech. By the end of it, she’s tearing up … but he’s still not. Yet. Plus, he gets points for ending things on a joke: “Want me to go get your other boyfriends?”

Part two of the date takes the guys to the Guinness storehouse, where Ben Z. tells Kaitlyn how difficult today’s date was for him, but he claims that he’s never been this open in his entire life, and you know what? He’s feeling good about it.

Jared, also feeling good, yells at Kaitlyn that he’s going to kiss her. Then he does. (I think it’s safe to say that life with Jared would always feel pretty predictable.)

Shawn, who’s always struggling with life on this show, then takes Kaitlyn aside to show her some photos of his family. Finally alone, the two get some time to reconnect. But when Jared gets the date rose and gets to spend the rest of the night at a private concert with Kaitlyn—where she’s way more into The Cranberries than Jared—Shawn loses it (and he and Jared over-use the words “trust” and “validate”).

Talking to a producer he “trusts,” Shawn informs us all that Kaitlyn came to his room at some point—this must be what Joe was referencing earlier—and they stayed up all night talking, at which point she told him that he’s “the one.” And for Shawn, a child of a terrible divorce, “trust” is his biggest thing, and he can’t keep doing this back and forth where her actions don’t match her words. He needs to feel “validate”d and this was her chance! And instead, she chose to “validate” Jared.

At the end of the night, Shawn, who’s now told everyone that he loves Kaitlyn, heads to her room, and the mystery is solved: The Bachelor(ette) eats when he/she gets back to his/her hotel room! I’ve always wondered.

Sorry, back on track: Shawn sits down on Kaitlyn’s couch—if only he knew what went down on that couch—where she proceeds to freak out even more than him, because for some reason, she’s decided that he must know about her and Nick. And that’s where the show ends, with Kaitlyn pulling a sitting-down Mesnick in an interview.

But the show isn’t over yet. Finally, it’s time for the Brady Bunch update nobody asked for! After two months, Britt introduces Brady to her mother, and her mother thinks she has a nice new “friend.” But don’t worry, Britt doesn’t think her mom meant that Brady was in the friend zone. You know, because she probably meant something else when she repeatedly used the word “friend.” (Unrelated: How often do we think Britt’s mom showers?)

Okay, so with that, I’m going to go do something, ANYTHING to try and forget what I just watched/listened to in the last hour. Also, I’ll be sending an apology letter to all of Ireland.

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The Bachelorette

One single woman searches for her future husband amid a sea of studs in this romantic reality series. Will you accept this rose?

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