The Bachelorette recap: Bromantic Comedy
It’s official: This season of The Bachelorette is not wasting any time. By the end of week 3, two men have left of their own free will, two more will be sent home for being jerks, there have already been more blurred body parts than anyone could’ve anticipated, and at least one meaningful relationship has formed … between Clint and JJ. As Chris Harrison would say, it’s shaping up to be quite the “dramatic” and “historic” season, y’all.
Speaking of drama, let’s catch up with Kupah, who still hasn’t left the house after getting the boot. Furthermore, he hasn’t even set down his drink as he continues to yell at the producers, while the men in the house use their spidey senses to detect that Kaitlyn’s conversation with Kupah “didn’t seem to have went that well.” Oh, Ben Z. It’s a good thing you’re pretty.
Outside, Kupah isn’t doing much better than Ben when he finally stops yelling to tell the producers, “I’m upset right now. You should know that.” Thanks, Kup. If you hadn’t stated that, there’s no way we would’ve known. But now that you have, Kaitlyn’s going to come talk to you.
The instant Kupah sees Kaitlyn, he transitions from angry man to a child that just got sent to timeout. He snaps back to his inside voice, explaining to Kaitlyn that he doesn’t want to go home. He’d rather take his juice box and go back to his room. But Mama Kaitlyn is over this tempter tantrum. It’s time for Kupah to go to boarding school home.
But don’t worry, Kupah has been dissed by “uglier girls.” (This is like when people say “I could care less.”) So close, Kup. So close.
Inside, Kaitlyn wipes away her tears and tells the guys that she sent Kupah home, to which Tony acts surprised. (Or maybe he was so zen he didn’t notice the drama?) Regardless, Kaitlyn asks the guys to speak up if they’re ever in a situation that they’re not okay with. And as Tony so loudly puts it, “Agreed.” Cool, now let’s send some more of you home, shall we?
At “rose ceremony the second,” according to Joshua, Kaitlyn keeps Jared, Ben H, Shawn B—there is only one, so why are we using the last name initial?—Jonathan, Tanner, Chris, Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Corey, and, for some reason, Tony.
Cut to Tony talking about his decision to step away from everything he loves to come here: He left his business, his dog, and his bonsai trees, so you know he’s serious. So why should Kaitlyn love him? Because he sees the world through the eyes of a child, he has the heart of a warrior, and he has the soul of a gypsy. And if those three things don’t add up to “the perfect guy,” then well, I don’t know what does.
The bottom line, ladies, is that Tony is here to make all of us at home think about what it is that we truly want. (Spoiler: Not a “healer.”)
As for the men leaving us this week, we say goodbye to Daniel and Cory. The lesson? When in doubt, spell Cory with an “e.”
The next day, we wake up to the greatest image anyone could ever hope for: Robe-clad, 400+ pound men riding bikes to the mansion. Everyone, meet Yama and Byamba, the sumo wrestling world champions. They’re here to wake the guys up with a gong—and beat them? what’s the stick for?—and teach them a few things. And yes, Yama weighs 600 pounds and is therefore the heaviest Japanese human being ever. (But like, how do they keep track of that?)
Shockingly, the arrival of Yama and Byamba has JJ feeling super confident because he loves Japanese culture. (And by Japanese culture, he means sushi.)
On the group date will be Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, and Shawn. Step 1: The guys have to get changed into their adult diaper-esque wrestling gear. And no, JJ, we all know you don’t really need an extra large.
Heading outside—so their date is at the house?—the guys remove their robes as we enter into the world of blurred body parts. And Kaitlyn is into it. According to JJ, who’s looking, everyone has a nice ass except for Tony. “I think Tony partied his ass off last night, because it’s nonexistent,” JJ says, clearly still not over the fact that he bombed during the comedy date. LET IT GO, JJ.
NEXT: America Byamba vs. JJ
Next, the guys limber up, say hello to Joe’s left nut, and get ready to fight a world champion—otherwise known as getting thrown out of the ring in less than 10 seconds. Personally, I would like to thank this wrestler for throwing JJ around. On behalf of America: Bless you, Byamba.
In an exciting twist, Tony, whom you’ll remember was very against the boxing date, is ready to give Byamba the fight of his life. Explaining that Byamba should be the terrified one—really, Tony? have you seen you?—Tony gives the fight his all. But by the end of it, Byamba is laughing at him, and Tony instantly changes his story. Now he hates this date, and furthermore, he hates how Kaitlyn seems obsessed with violence.
When Tony walks away from the fight pissed off, Kaitlyn goes after him, only to discover that he broke his promise from earlier: Instead of telling her that he didn’t want to participate—which, for the record, he totally did—Tony waited until after the activity to tell Kaitlyn he didn’t like it. So basically, he’s Kupah with less alcohol in his system and a much worse sense of fashion.
Tony then gives Kaitlyn the same speech he gave us earlier about his child-warrior-gypsy ratio—does this guy memorize everything?—before asking why all of the dates have to have an aggressive side. As he puts it, why can’t they just like, take a boat ride? Or go sky diving? (Yes, because actually dying is way better than showing aggression.)
But sensitive Tony can’t take it, and things only get worse when JJ’s colored shoulder tattoo comes over to intervene. I’ll let Joshua sum this one up: “Well, he’s nuts, but there’s no reason for JJ to go over there.”
After everyone cools down a little bit, Kaitlyn apologizes for making Tony uncomfortable, and he continues to beat a dead horse by talking about how he can’t find happiness by “reverting back to my primal instincts.”
So when the date continues with an exhibition, Tony chooses to sit it out. In his absense, I feel the need to fill his void and reiterate that he sees the world through the eyes of a child, has the heart of a warrior, and the soul of a gypsy. Got it? Good.
Moving to the round robin sumo competition—where there really is NO winner whatsoever—Kaitlyn kicks things off by wrestling Byamba, whom I’ve decided should get his own spinoff. What kind of person does Byamba find attractive? Why can’t we follow him on a journey to find love? (And don’t any of you dare Google him and tell me he’s married. Reality has no place here.)
In the first match, Joe channels the anger of the world and takes out JJ before Clint draws on his wrestling background—taking things way too seriously and literally throwing everyone to the ground. As Clint puts it, “Clint’s a nightmare.” (In more ways than one.)
So while the guys clean up, Tony makes a decision to leave the show. If only Kaitlyn had planned a date to the zoo where the guys discovered who made the best elephant noise, THEN he would’ve stayed. But, alas, she didn’t. She had them wrestle in front of children with their asses out—so Tony’s done.
He’s so done, in fact, that he puts on a backwards baseball cap and walks to the Four Seasons to say goodbye to Kaitlyn’s “circus.” If she’s interested in him, he can easily be found… traveling with a gypsy circus and talking to bonsai trees.
Back at the date, Clint decides that if Kaitlyn wants to talk to him, she should make the effort. (Spoiler: She doesn’t.) Instead, she tells JJ that she sees many different sides to him—excluding the douchey side, apparently—before she runs off with Shawn to rekindle their night one connection. Within minutes, their chemistry earns Shawn the rose, and Kaitlyn heads back to the group to call Clint out in front of everyone for his lack of effort.
But Clint’s already decided that Kaitlyn isn’t right for him. Instead, he’s here for JJ. More on that later.
NEXT: The first date from hell Chris Harrison
At the house, Chris Harrison drops off a date card for both Kaitlyn and for Ben Z. Apparently, Chris Harrison has planned the couple’s first one-on-one, and he wants to test Kaitlyn and Ben’s “trust and communication.” How does one do that? By locking them in a haunted room full of scary insects and animals and making them want to die, that’s how.
This dream is my Kaitlyn’s worst nightmare. The two of them will be locked in a haunted house-esque room and will have to work together to find clues, discover a code, and get out of the room unscathed (but really scarred for life).
From the instant Kaitlyn opens the door and pigeons fly out—she’s deathly afraid of birds—she starts crying. But they go in anyway, where they discover a muder hourse full of severed limbs, flickering lights, a person in a bed, and the threat of a deadly gas being released in 45 minutes.
So what do we think it was that made Chris Harrison look at this place and think, “Ah yes, this is perfect for a first date”? It had to be the lighting, right?
The couple starts digging through clues—props for puting Britt’s face behind a brick—where they find a scorpion in a drawer, maggots, and dead cockroaches. Seriously, please tell me Chris Harrison doesn’t take women on dates like this.
The real kicker? The bathroom is covered in snakes. What is this place?! And are these animals properly cared for?!
Long story short: Kaitlyn and Ben Z manage to escape by figuring out that the password is “Roses.” So basically, they could’ve skipped this entire thing and just guessed. But whatever.
At least their horrific date earns them the best follow-up: A night back at Kaitlyn’s house, where they order pizza and hang out in comfy clothes. But things quickly take a serious turn when they start to talk about the fact that Ben hasn’t cried since his mom died when he was 14. At a young age, he assumed the role of “the strong one,” and his tear ducts followed suit. So now he hasn’t cried in 11 years, which is incredibly unhealthy and upsetting. Also, why aren’t they talking about how Kaitlyn has two bird tattoos, even though she’s deathly afraid of birds?! Regardless, Ben’s openness—and muscles—earns him a rose.
Okay, now it’s time for what might be the most disturbing date of this episode: Jonathan, Ben H, Joshua, Ryan, Jared, and Tanner teach a class of elementary school kids about sex ed. Correction: They teach a class of child actors about it. But here’s the thing: Actors or not, they’re still very young, and should not even know that half of these words exist.
As the guys get up in front of this class, I can’t help but pray that these kids’ parents signed off on this. However, I can’t say the kids will be learning too much, especially considering that Jared just had to write down “Boyhood –> Manhood” on an index card to remind himself of how life works. (Although he does get points for that rap.)
According to Kaitlyn, she chose this date because she needs a guy who knows what he’s doing and who can talk about sex. To which I say: Do you really need a guy who knows what he’s doing with tampons?
So while Joshua—and his plethora of intriguing tattoos—prepares to give a speech that no man should have to give, JJ and Clint strengthen their bromance at the house, where they decide that they weren’t chosen for the “educational” date becasue they’re the “brainiacs” of the bunch. Which by the way, is the best joke either of them has made this entire time.
Apparently, they’ve made a habit of doing everything together, including showering.
NEXT: Isn’t scarring children romantic?
Back at the school, Ryan kicks things off by saying “vagina” twice—because it’s highly important—before answering a question about a much more specific part of the female anatomy that ABC has to bleep out.
Watching this scene is a bit like watching someone speak in code, with all of the bleeps—it’s okay for children to see/hear it but not the adults watching?—but it doesn’t take a translator to figure out that Ryan takes things a bit too far by telling the children that a certain part of the female anatomy is very important because “if you want girls to like you, you should know where that is.”
And by the time he uses the word “stimulate,” my head explodes.
What he said: “That’s what makes her want to have sex with you again.”
What he should’ve said: “It’s a part of the female anatomy.”
Again, I know these are actors, but I still can’t handle it. I also can’t handle Jared saying “nucular.”
Other highlights include: Kids asking about the four bases, Tanner demonstrating putting a condom on a banana, and absolutely every part of Joshua trying to explain menstruation by referring to a tampon as a “little torpedo.” Because that’s not scary for girls.
And finally, Ben H makes things a little boring endearing by actually doing well and telling the kids an adorable story about a man and a woman who meet on a TV show and blah blah. Yes, it’s sweet. But I don’t need to actually feel like I’m a child in sex ed again.
On part two of the date, Kaitlyn decides that Joshua is moving a bit too slow for her liking, so instead, she finds out more about Ben H’s love of kids. They dance, and Ben performs his “special move.” Yeah, it’s called a dip—but it’s still cute.
Brief pause to watch Clint and JJ bonding in the hot tub. They both like turtles! Clint plays the guitar! They’re both total assholes! (Sorry, that last one was me.)
Okay: Let’s stick with the group date, where Kaitlyn takes Jared to her room and contemplates punching him in the face again because she loves the black eye so much. But instead, she kisses him and he gets the second dance of the night. His big romantic statement? “I think you’re pretty awesome.” Welcome to 2015, everyone. The year romance died.
In other words, it’s no surprise that Jared doesn’t get the rose—well, unless you’re Jared. Instead, Ben H takes home the prize. It’s okay; Jared says he doesn’t need a rose to feel validated. (Really? Tell your face.)
And with that, we’ve made it to yet another rose ceremony where JJ is feeling “confident”! Or rather, we’ve made it to yet another cocktail party that will probably end in screaming. Within moments of Kaitlyn’s arrival, Clint steals her away to apologize for ignoring her on their group date. His excuse is the fact that the sumo wrestler literally lodged his balls inside of him, so he didn’t have the balls to go up and talk go her. What’s worse? She thinks it’s “reasonable.”
So the two of them make out as Clint’s voiceover tells all of us that he doesn’t care about Kaitlyn. He just wants a rose so that he and JJ can keep talking about turtles and saying things like, “Villains gotta vill.” You know, because “vill” is a verb.
But the guys in the house are over the JJ-Clint story. While Ian and Jared mention issues to Kaitlyn without naming names, JJ says all he’s dealing with are some JV croquet players who are trying to take him down. (And that choice of sport says everying you need to know about JJ.)
Thankfully, Joshua gives Kaitlyn names. Sadly, however, Kaitlyn only seems to latch onto the Clint side of it all. But I guess one is better than none?
So while Clint tells the guys that he and Kaitlyn are totes okay, she walks in and asks him to talk. The real shocking moment? Kaitlyn—and NOT Chris Harrison—deems Clint “one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history.”
So as we wait for next week, in which JJ appears to slap himself in the face, I’m going to pay a visit to my local zoo and see if I can’t find me a man who can make a good elephant noise. And remember, guys: #nonviolence.
One single woman searches for her future husband amid a sea of studs in this romantic reality series. Will you accept this rose?