All of Andi's suitors gather in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome to rehash grievances old and new—but the most shocking revelation comes from former Bachelorette Ashley's womb.

By Kristen Baldwin
July 22, 2014 at 05:03 AM EDT
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It’s the most wonderful time of the season, rose lovers! Men Tell All time means playing all of your favorite Bachelorette-themed games, like “Spot the Guy You Swear You’ve Never Seen Before in Your Life” (Nick S.??), “Guess Which Dude Will Lose the Audience Scream-o-Meter” (it’s a tie between Andrew and Craig), and of course the toughest task of them all, “Survive Painful Filler Segments with Past Contestants.” Enter the Tealight Candle Thunderdome… if you dare.

Harrison bounds on stage to the leitmotif of female audience members screaming with delight. Then, in a horrifying display of power, the host welcomes Ashley, JP, and their unborn child to the stage. “Behold!” bellows Harrison. “I will multiply Bachelor Nation’s descendants beyond number, so that they will be as countless as the stars in the sky or the grains of sand on the seashore!” He then summons a master of dark arts, who uses his instruments of magicks to reveal that Ashley and JP shall bring forth a baby boy unto this earth, and he shall dwell in Miami until he is called back to the City of Angels to rule over Casa Bachelor in season 46.

Oh hey, it’s time for another Bachelor in Paradise promo. Man, did they pack all of those poor suckers into two rooms in Mexico or something? Those are some tight-looking quarters. As for the action, I’ll sum it up thusly: Bikinis! Boats! Beaches! Babe-on-babe action! Bawling! Brawling! Beeps! Blood! In other words, set your DVR for Aug. 4 and say goodbye to your brain cells.

At last, the foreplay is over and it’s time to reunite with the guys. As much as I want to punch whichever evil bastard came up with the idea for the Ashley-JP ultrasound segment, I want to marry and have babies with whatever genius decided all of the guys should arrive on the stage wearing flouncy, colorful man-scarves. But the levity is short-lived, because now that the men are finally here, Harrison wastes no time cueing up the Montage of Douchebaggery. Highlights include Craig pushing Patrick into the stove, JJ calling Chris a “f—ing p—y” and a “cocky f—ing a–hole,” and “Blackie”-Gate.

Naturally Harrison starts with the last, most sensitive item on the list. And the topic only gets more sensitive after Andrew tries to give Ron props for how he handled the incident… which would have been totally fine except it was Marquel, the other black guy in the cast, who was the one who confronted him about the racist statement Andrew allegedly made. (Team Bachelorette cuts to a blonde lady in the audience with her jaw dropped open in shock, and then to Ron in the back row, looking sadly bemused—thereby covering the full spectrum of emotional responses to Andrew’s excruciatingly uncomfortable “they all look alike” blunder.)

NEXT: Marquel reviews his time in the Friend Zone

Even after we review an instant replay of the rose ceremony moment in question, there’s no clarity on what Andrew did or didn’t say, and still all we have to go on is JJ’s word—a fact that Chris, in full Rage Farmer mode, seizes on vociferously. “You called me a ‘p—y’ behind my back—that’s your whole M.O… With Andrew and the phone number, you went to Josh, you went to Nick, you went around to everybody else creating this whole buzz” rather than confronting Andrew directly. The audience applauds wildly. So if you’re keeping score, we’ve gone from Yay Marquel! to Boo Andrew! to Yay Chris! to Boo JJ! And the cycle begins again after Marquel calls Andrew out for his lack of empathy. “If you didn’t say it, you have yet to even mention to me, ‘Hey, I’m sorry you felt so offended.’… You just wanted to mention, ‘Hey, I could lose my job over this.'” Well, losing your job over what you insist is a false charge of racism does sound pretty stressful… but I think Andrew has no one but himself to blame.

Zip it, JJ. Nobody cares.

Enough negativity. Marquel, bring your megawatt smile and ridiculous cookie pin over here and get in the hot seat! (Fun fact: If you Google “chocolate chip cookie pin” you get a whole bunch of Pinterest pages about baking.) “Do you take some responsibility for getting stuck in the friend zone and not being able to get out of that?” Harrison asks. “Why didn’t you just kiss the woman?” Good question—and Marquel gives a typically endearing answer: “I had no idea you guys were kissing her so fast!” he jokes. “Someone could have dropped me a note or something.” Awww, he’s just so adorable. Too bad his first move after getting the boot from Andi was hopping a plane to Copulation Cove.

From the sublime to the sad: It’s Marcus’ turn to get grilled. Or, more accurately, it’s Marcus’ turn to cry some more about Andi. Is something different with his hair? It seems like there’s… more of it. Perhaps heartbreak is good for the follicles. Whatever. See you in Mexico, too, buddy.

Man, I’m beginning to see why Team Bachelorette frontloaded this special with so many segments that weren’t about the guys—so far, all the men are really telling us tonight are a bunch of boring platitudes. Chris, can you and your unique mixture of small-town charm and big-city rage help us out here? “She met me and she found out I’m a farmer and I’m from Iowa—that’s when I thought I was going to get sent home, quite honestly,” he tells Harrison. The host gently inquires how Chris is, in fact, going to meet a woman when he lives in the upper northeast corner of nowhere. “Um, that’s a good question,” answers the farmer forlornly. “I’m just going to be myself.”

NEXT: Chris meets his Canadian stalker

Well, that seems to be good enough for at least one woman in the audience. “Excuse me, Chris?” calls a brunette three rows back. “I’m sorry to interrupt.” Are you really, toots? I doubt it. Harrison goes with it, and invites the Canadian interloper—who’s dressed in something that looks like a romper from the back and Wilma Flintstone’s dress from the front—to the stage so the rest of us can actually hear her question for the farmer: “I wanted to know if you thought you were going to meet someone in Iowa?” Chris is all, I guess I don’t care where my future wife lives as long as she doesn’t have severe boundary issues, maybe? Before things can get too awkward—actually, scratch that: after things have become very awkwardHarrison throws to a break and tells Ketra she has to pack her boobs and go before the commercials are over. Someone loans her a pen and a pad of post-its so she can write down her digits for the farmer, but I think he already knew what number to call: 1-800-AW-HELL-NO.

Andi arrives, awash in navy blue sequins, and rattles off her explanations for dumping Chris, Marcus, Marquel, and pretty much every guy there in rapid succession: Not that into you; not that into you; not that into YOU; and not sure I even know who you are. Andi is also not pregnant (somewhere backstage, Ashley pumps her fist triumphantly), nor is the Bachelorette keen to hear the lie detector test results from her group date in Italy. Sorry honey, but you are alone—the rest of us cannot wait one more second to find out if any of the men ever fart fought in the public.

Harrison reveals that Brian, JJ, and Chris were completely truthful, while Marcus fibbed about sleeping with fewer than 20 women and Dylan does not feel ready for marriage. (As for that whole hand-washing scandal? Dylan claims he said no because he doesn’t clean his hands with soap and water after using the bathroom—he uses hand sanitizer. Whatever; I still wouldn’t shake his hand.) In a truly disappointing turn of events, though, Andi decides that she doesn’t want to hear the two lies Josh told during the test—much to the chagrin of every other woman in the room. I suppose “love,” like justice and Dylan’s hairstylist, is blind.

Blooper time! I’m not sure who I feel sorrier for—the camerawoman who shattered Nick’s homemade ceramics during family dinner, or Andi herself, who made the grave mistake of snorting nasal spray on camera and foolishly thought it wouldn’t end up on national television.

Well, rose lovers, it’s all over but the crying. As for the mysterious letter Harrison mysteriously delivered to Andi in a mysterious location (backstage at MTA, I guess?) that he mysteriously described as being from “one of your final two men”? Not gonna fall for it, Team Bachelorette. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… yeah, that sounds about right.

Chris Harrison hosts the romance reality contest series. Will you accept this rose?
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