Peter takes his harem to Chile, where he stars in his own telenovela and then has to referee the drama between Tammy and Mykenna.
Credit: ABC
4. Season 5 (Jesse Palmer)

We started the week with 13 “ladies,” and now — two episodes, five hours, and a dreaded two-on-one date later — we’re down to the final six. Before you pass out from exhaustion, rose lovers, let’s recap this special “bonus” episode of The Bachelor.

The action begins in Chile, where Peter promises “it’s about to get hot, it’s about to get spicy.” It’s also about to get real promotional for Marriott’s Renaissance Santiago Hotel, where the Bachelor and his harem will be staying during their visit. After all the drama in Costa Rica, the “ladies” are hoping to start things off with a clean slate, so they share a round of frozen margaritas and… oh crap, Mykenna’s crying again.

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“The reason why I talked to him at the rose ceremony is I wanted to express that I felt,” she says. Victoria F. informs Mykenna that having a “mini cocktail party” before the rose ceremony was “unacceptable,” because it was disrespectful to the other women. “Mykenna’s just very weepy, like a sad, wet dog on the side of the road,” Victoria F. tells us. “It’s annoying.”

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Whoa. That was way harsh, Tai. Before any actual blood can be drawn, Peter — who just got his stitches out, y’all — arrives to pluck Hannah Ann for the first one-on-one date. We haven’t seen Hannah Ann for a while, so here’s a quick refresher: She is A) not a champagne-stealer and B) “the goofiest girl here,” according to Peter. Their date is one of those “explore the city” outings, where they eat hot dogs and just happen to run into a long-married Chilean couple who offer some wise words about the key to a happy marriage.

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Kidding, kidding. The nice man says communication, patience, tolerance, and “love with big letters” are essential for a healthy relationship. Peter is a little worried about Hannah Ann’s age (she’s 23, he’s 28), but he doesn’t seem too bothered that she just asked him if he’s afraid of heights. The man is a pilot. (“I fly for a living, so that’d be pretty bad if I was,” he replies good-naturedly.) Hannah Ann reveals that she has never been in love — not surprising, because she is a child — but the Bachelor is impressed with her deep, philosophical thinking. “So many people, like, in the shallow waters of life,” says Hannah Ann. “And you’ll only catch minnows in the shallow waters.”


Peter says he’s “so not about the superficialness,” so yeah, maybe these two are made for each other. Still, the Bachelor wants to know how Hannah Ann is “so confident” that she’s ready to be married… to him, specifically. She says something about Peter’s “qualities,” but he’s not quite convinced. Pilot Pete excuses himself from the table to, I don’t know, decide if he wants to marry a 23-year-old model, I guess? Poor thing, she sure looks lonely.

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“I wanna know what she’s feeling,” sighs Peter. “But it’s, like, she’s not showing me that.” Eventually, Hannah Ann gets tired of waiting for the Bachelor to return, so she walks through production’s staging area, past the craft services table, and finds Peter outside. Hannah Ann’s producer must have given her some tips, because all of a sudden, she’s crying and tearfully saying she’s “starting to fall in love” with him. Enjoy that date rose, young lady!

Back at the hotel… Knock Knock Knock! There are two date cards at the door! One is for your standard-issue group date (Sydney, Natasha, Kelsey, Victoria P., Madison, Tammy, Kelley, and Mykenna), and one announces a second one-on-one (“Victoria F. — I feel like we didn’t get a fair shot…”).

Hey look, Mykenna is crying again!

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Awwww, are your feelings so hurt that you want to pack your lip gloss and go home? FINE! Don’t let the Reject SUV’s door hit you on the way out, honey.

No such luck, rose lovers. Of course, the next day, Mykenna joins the rest of the “ladies” on the group date. And the activity is a good one: It’s telenovela time!

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What I love most about this date is how quickly it dispels the myth that The Bachelor (and other reality shows of its ilk) are “scripted” and the participants are just “acting.” Because as anyone who watched 30 seconds of El Amor De Pedro can see, none of these people can act. At all.

They all get points for playing along, though. Kelley’s been assigned the role of Pedro’s abuela — but nevertheless, she persists at hitting on him. (A flowered mumu and tragic white wig aren’t going to stop her!) Victoria P. is confined to a wheelchair with a neck brace as “the girl in the most tragic golf-cart accident,” while Kelsey really has to stretch her range as a “bombshell” named Camilla. Poor Mykenna has to lurk around the set all day in a maid’s uniform, but eventually, Pedro realizes that her character, Rosa, is the love of his life.

Sorry, I need to correct something. When I said, “none of these people can act,” I clearly wasn’t talking about Chris Harrison, who delivers an Emmy-worthy turn as Guy With Mustache.

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Is there anything this man can’t do?

The “ladies” must be suffering from short-term memory loss, because once the group date cocktail party rolls around, they’re all like, I have a feeling there won’t be any drama tonight! Naturally, they are incorrect. The evening opens with Peter dropping a bomb on Victoria “my truth is the truth” P.

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“Maybe you are more secure and confident in us than I am,” says Peter. “I have to be totally honest with you.” Immediately, Victoria P. starts fritzing like a malfunctioning Stepford Housewife — “I don’t know what that just meant… I don’t know what that just meant” — so the Bachelor has to spell it out for her. “I don’t know if I see you as my wife,” he explains. “I’m so sorry.”

Dude, don’t be sorry — just send her truth-distorting ass packing! It’s not like Victoria P. wants to stick around now that she knows she will not be “winning” this season of The Bachelor. “Can I get a car? Can I get a cab?” she asks someone off-camera. Then, with a huffy “I don’t need you to walk me out,” Victoria P. hustles out of the hotel, ignoring Peter as he calls her name. “You’re gonna make someone so happy one day,” he assures her. Tell her something she doesn’t already know, buddy! See you later, toots — probably this summer on Paradise.

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None of the women seem too shocked when the Bachelor lets them know that Victoria P. is gone — except maybe Mykenna, who is pretty shocked by everything. But Peter drowns his sorrows in the boundless affections of the other “ladies,” including Madison — who has gotten a ridiculously paltry amount of screen time lately. They “perform” a telenovela “scene” that Peter “wrote” and then make out for several minutes. “He literally makes me feel like I am the most important person in the world,” gushes Madison. “He’s super intentional like showing me how much he cares.”

Meanwhile, everything’s going fine back at the holding pen… Oh, sorry, my bad: What’s actually happening is that Tammy is criticizing Mykenna for “living in this fantasy world” and “putting on a show” for Peter. “Are you even ready for an adult relationship?” she asks her rival, adding that she’s not “mature” enough. “You act like a child!”

Okay, none of us really like Mykenna — she cries too much and melts down at the slightest provocation — but honestly, what is Tammy’s damage? I think Natasha sums it up nicely: “It seems like Tammy’s not concerned with pushing things forward with Peter. She’s more concerned with eliminating people who ‘don’t belong here’.… She waits until there are nights where she knows she’s going to see Peter to address things with people.”

Mykenna demands to know if Tammy is going to besmirch her name with Peter tonight, and when Kelsey jumps in to defend Mykenna, the “shut the f— ups” start again. The bickering gets so loud that it disturbs Madison and Peter’s ongoing make out sesh.

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Yes, yes there is. “I am done with you bringing people down!” snaps Mykenna, getting up to leave the room. “I will not allow you to attack me anymore.” Naturally, she marches off to tell Peter that Tammy is stirring s— up again. “Tammy came at me and… said she felt like I’m not ready for this,” says Mykenna. “But I don’t want you to have any, like, fears about me.” Peter finds Tammy’s need to meddle “confusing,” and assures Mykenna that he does not doubt her intentions. But… he still gives the date rose to Madison.

The next morning, Peter meets Victoria F. at El Peñasco de Santa Sylvia ranch. “It was a little bit difficult for her on our first date,” says Peter, “and that’s the reason why I did ask her on a second one-on-one.” But things are about to get really awkward because as it turns out, Victoria F. used to date this guy:

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Kidding, kidding. This is Marco, the ranch’s head huaso, and he’s going to teach Victoria and Peter all about the art of “connecting” with horses. (Anyone else having flashbacks to JoJo’s date with Alex on The Bachelorette?) “I think it’s definitely going to help us connect,” says Peter, ever optimistic. They take turns climbing under a very patient horse’s belly and then share a meal with a friendly group of ranchers — one of whom teases the couple for sharing a “big kiss” in the middle of the arena.

Though we now know that Victoria F. is prone to dropping f-bombs and getting real loud when she’s mad, on this date she’s still doing the timid, this is so hard for me routine that she reserves for Peter. “I’m trying not to be in my head about the other girls,” she mumbles through tears. “It’s so hard when it’s in your face all the time.” The Bachelor tells Victoria F. that he feels “very strongly” for her, and pleads with her to be honest with him if she doesn’t want to go through with this “journey.” Don’t worry, pal — no matter how much she whines and whimpers, this woman is never gonna leave on her own accord. The cameras, she loves them!

Still, Peter has a mission at dinner: Get Victoria F. to Open Up™ about her feelings. “Honestly, I was very… caught off guard by how you were talking today,” he admits. “It hurt my confidence in us a little.” The Bachelor wants to know why — WHY? — is she sabotaging their relationship. “Please talk to me,” says Peter, as Victoria F. squirms in her chair.

“Maybe I’m just, like, not cut out for this,” she says, without ever once making eye contact with the Bachelor. “Maybe you would be happier with someone who could be more, like, open with you at this point.” The more Peter tries to get Victoria F. to be honest about her feelings, the more defensive she gets. At one point, she cuts him off — “Okay, like, I get it Peter” — before walking away from the table because she needs to puke, or something.

Once she’s safely ensconced in the bathroom off-camera, Victoria F. at least admits she’s acting like a B. “I’m disappointed in myself because I can’t give him an honest answer,” she says. “So I’m taking my frustrations out on him.”

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“I don’t know!” wails Victoria F. “This is the most I’ve ever tried with anybody!” (Wow, that’s a grim thought.) Back at the table, a sad-looking Peter commiserates with his producer. “What else do I do right now?” Hmmm… good question. A few options: A) Cut the date short and go binge-watch Cheer. B) Text Madison and tell her to take a Lyft over — she’d never pull this kind of crap. C) Mope around until the producers convince Victoria F. to play through the pain and tell him what he wants to hear. Which option do you think the Bachelor chooses?

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“I know that I like you, and I know that I want this to continue,” says Victoria. “I just don’t why I’m acting like this.” That’s good enough for Peter, who offers her the date rose, even as he tells Victoria F. that “nobody” has given him as much “grief” as she has. The date seems to have a happy ending, but Peter still seems freaked out by the whole experience. “This I feel like is my first real sense of doubt,” he says. “She’s the first girl that I’ve really fell for that I’m not receiving that validation back from.”

From there we cut to the “ladies” in their hotel room the next day. They’re all hanging out in their cozies, talking about how important the upcoming cocktail party is when — knock knock knock! — there’s an unexpected date card at the door! But it doesn’t announce at so much as a pre-party scolding: “Mkyenna and Tammy, meet me at the cocktail party before everyone else arrives. Enough is enough.”

Both of the women are upset, but they keep their poker faces on. “You coming at me was very hurtful and very mean — and I don’t stand for that kind of stuff in my life,” Mykenna announces. Tammy, meanwhile, is ready to let Peter know that Mykenna is “dipping her toes between a relationship and the publicity from this.” Okay you two — game ON!

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Doesn’t that look like the poster for some CW drama about hot vampires? But I digress. Before Peter gets there, Mykenna lays into Tammy for trying to tear her down. “I am proud of who I am, Tammy! Kindness wins. Love wins,” she says with a quiver in her voice. “Bringing people down never wins.” Tammy wisely stays silent — for all she knows, the Bachelor is right around the corner listening to their conversation.

When Peter arrives, he tells the women he wants to get to the bottom of the drama and put an end to it. LOLOLOL — sure, Jan. Tammy goes first, and she informs Peter that she’s been “collecting information” on Mykenna since day one in the mansion. “She says things like, ‘It seems like the Mykenna Show!’ She’s trying to create hashtags for her brand,” says Tammy. “She packed her bags before the group date, Peter, and was ready to leave!” The house-flipper goes on to say that she’s been trying to “trust the process,” and the only reason she keeps calling other women out is because they “disrupt the process.”

Maybe this would be more believable if we ever saw any glimpse of romance between Tammy and Peter — maybe it’s there, but so far producers have just shown us Tammy fighting with people and delivering funny soundbites. (“I’m wearing black today because it’s her funeral,” she notes with a smirk.) Because Peter has absolutely zero idea how to handle conflict, as soon as Mykenna sits down with him he begins relaying everything Tammy just said. Why did you pack your bags before the group date? Are you really all about hashtags? Mykenna insists that Tammy is just “twisting” her words and that she really cares about their relationship. “I’m speaking my damn truth.”

Uh oh — looks like Tammy’s trying to eavesdrop.

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While Peter goes off to deliberate, Tammy once again takes a swipe at Mykenna for “trying to brand” herself. The 22-year-old replies that Tammy is going to see what a dastardly beeyotch she is when she watches the episodes later. “I’m not the villain of the season, honey,” she says primly. It devolves from there (“Don’t lead with your emotions!” “You are nothing to me, girl!”) and finally, mercifully, Peter returns to render his verdict. And the “winner” of this girlfight is…

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That’s right — it’s Tammy’s turn to take a ride in the Reject SUV. “I’m really disappointed,” she says bitterly. “I guess that’s what he wants — a trophy wife.” Don’t be silly, Tammy. Peter has no idea what he wants.

With that unpleasant business over with, Peter and the “ladies” manage to have a relatively drama-free cocktail party. No one yells, no one fights, no one accuses anyone else of popping pills. It’s a minor miracle! Without any bad behavior to reward, Peter is at a loss. “At this point right now, I don’t know who I’m sending home,” he says. Well, you better figure it out, pal — it’s rose ceremony time!

Rose ceremony roll call: Kelsey, Natasha, Madison, and Kelley join Victoria F. and Hannah Ann in the Circle of Safety. You know what that means, rose lovers…

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Correct! Mykenna survived the mini two-on-one date only to get dumped an hour later! “Why didn’t he just send us both home?” she wonders, echoing everyone watching. That’s harsh, bro. Very harsh. Tonight we also say goodbye to Sydney, which is a bit of a shock — I’ll be honest, I thought she’d last longer than Natasha. But hey, Peter is a man of mystery, right?

We made it, rose lovers! Five hours of The Bachelor in one week. I’m sure you’re exhausted, but before you pass out, take a minute and let me know your thoughts on this week’s “journey.” Are you surprised by Peter’s final six? Will you be happy to see Tammy, Mykenna, and/or Sydney in Paradise? And how much meat have you ever eaten in one sitting? Post your thoughts below!

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