This one’s going out to all of you out there in Bachelor Nation — the ones who love Colton, the ones who hate him and are watching out of spite, those of you who swore you’d never watch again if they didn’t choose Blake or Jason to be Bachelor and yet here you are, and all those folks who clicked on this link accidentally and are about to navigate themselves the eff away from this page. Welcome back, rose lovers, and let The Bachelor: Doing it Like a Virgin begin!
Chris Harrison kicks things off from the Fonda Theater in Los Angeles, where he stands in the middle of a crowd of squealing women — in other words, his natural habitat. In order to fill three hours, Team Bachelor has set up live feeds from around the country, viewing events in Park City, Utah, Dallas, Texas (featuring a cameo from Mama Harrison), a fan party in Lansing, Michigan, and a sad hot tub in the parking lot outside the Fonda theater, where Bachelor in Paradise “success” story Krystal and Chris are taking a bacteria bath.
After a long, pointless live intro, it’s finally time to meet the “ladies.”
Cassie, 23: She’s a blonde surfer girl/grad student from Huntington Beach, California. Cassie works with kids as a speech pathologist, and we all know how Colton feels about helping kids… he hates it! (Kidding, he loves it, he’ll probably love her.)
Hannah B., 23: Our first pageant queen! Hannah B. is a former Miss Alabama, but don’t worry, guys, Hannah wants us to know she’s totally relatable. She calls herself the conductor of the “Hot Mess Express,” and she just dropped her crown! Adorable.
Katie, 26: An aspiring dancer, Katie currently works as a medical sales rep, and she works out like a beast.
Heather, 22: Blonde, born and raised in California, and not only a virgin but a mouth virgin too — she’s never been kissed! Did Team Bachelor grow this one in a lab or something? I’m also going to choose to believe that Heather only printed out and framed the photo she took with Colton at a charity event after producers asked her to.
Totes not stalkery.
Onyeka, 24: Her full name is Onyekachukwu Ehie! Her adorable Nigerian parents got engaged after just two weeks! Look no further for your Bachelorette, Mike Fleiss.
Nicole, 25: Life is hard for Nicole, a “relatively attractive” single in Miami, because she’s not about that “hook-up culture.”
Oy, I know that the next “lady,” 26-year-old Kirpa from Whittier, Calif., is a dental hygienist, but this shot is NOT okay, Team Bachelor.
“I really hope that Colton flosses,” says Kirpa, in a statement reminiscent of the Tooth Nazi from Mesnick’s season. (‘Memba her?)
Demi, 23: Filling in for Tia as this season’s “sassy country girl,” Demi has something no other contestant does: A mom who’s in prison for embezzlement! Though she’s a little worried about Colton’s virginity — a concern she expresses via an unappetizing cupcake metaphor — I’m guessing Demi will have ample time to talk about her fears over the course of the season.
Aww, isn’t it nice that even though Blake and Jason lost out on the Bachelor gig, the show gave them a free trip to Lansing, Michigan?
Cue the sex guitars, because Colton’s shirtless and ready to get sweaty!
“I am the first virgin Bachelor!” he reminds us. Oh man, then we get this heartbreaking montage of Colton growing up in his “conservative” household, going to Christian school and “wanting to fit in so bad,” but he was the “fat, chunky, awkward, weird kid” who “didn’t have girlfriends.”
Okay, well… I’m just going to leave that alone and move on. High school football saved his confidence, says Colton. And Becca taught him what love is — until she turned around and “devastated” him right before Fantasy Suites. Then came some “transformative” experiences in Mexico, blah blah blah, and now Colton is “here to fall in love.” (Next: So! Many! Virginity! Jokes!)