The Bachelor recap 2/11/19Credit: ABC
Credit: ABC
4. Season 5 (Jesse Palmer)

Man, that was a long “To Be Continued” wasn’t it, rose lovers? When last we were together, Onyeka and Nicole’s cocktail-party spat sent Colton into a tailspin, and he fled to the beach for some blessed peace and quiet.

Now, one week later he’s still pacing the beach, perhaps wondering how on earth he’s allowed his life to devolve into a mediocre soap opera.

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Credit: ABC

Meanwhile, Onyeka is back with the rest of the “ladies” griping about Nicole and bullying her into proving that she’s a bully. “Nicole! You said I bullied you – back it up!” she snaps. Ugh — send both of these fools home, please. Thankfully, Chris Harrison appears with his Butter Knife of Bad News and alerts the “ladies” that it’s time to cull the herd.

Rose ceremony roll call: Caelynn, Tayshia, Kirpa, Demi, Hannah G., Katie, and Sydney “sexual innuendo” join Heather, Cassie, and Hannah B. in the Rose Holders Circle. Okay Onyeka and Nicole, get the eff out.

On to Vietnam, and Colton’s first #SadCam of the week!

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Credit: ABC

The Bachelor admits that all the drama has left him feeling “overwhelmed” and “anxious,” and he’s hoping this week will offer some “clarity” about his Wife Hunt. To that end, the first one-on-one goes to Hannah G. — one of the 5 women (along with Demi, Katie, Kirpa, and Sydney) who hasn’t yet had a solo date with Colton.

Though the date card said “we really knead” this date, Colton and Hannah are NOT making bread — they’re getting a couples’ spa treatment, involving face masks and giant leaf wraps.

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Credit: ABC

“I would definitely eat that sushi roll,” Colton tells us with a cheeky grin. Gross, dude. After the wrap, Hannah G. and Colton lie on a massage table and make out… then they get in a mud bath and make out… and then they get in an outdoor shower and make out… so yeah, it’s like the Cassie date all over again.

Back at the hotel, America’s sweetheart Caelynn is suddenly out there trash-talking Hannah G., saying she’s “relied on her beauty for so much of her life” and wondering if there’s “some depth to her that we’re missing.” Am I the only one who’s surprised to hear Caelynn be so petty? Maybe there was some truth to Hannah B.’s claims about her beauty-queen rival. (Next: “There’s usually not this much laughter”)

At dinner, Hannah G. tells Colton that opening up is “not my jam” — but she proceeds to tell the Bachelor about her parents’ somewhat acrimonious split when she was younger. (Mom drove over Dad’s prized lawn out of spite, apparently.) Colton, also a child of divorce, can relate. Hannah G. gets the date rose, and she’s the first woman Colton says he may be “falling in love” with.

When the group date rolls around, some of the women are so salty about it they’re talking about themselves in the third person. “Demi’s not in a good mood today,” she announces. “This is my sixth group date, so I’m really over them at this point.” Too bad, toots — get on your athleisure gear and join Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., and Sydney at the Vovinam dojo.

Credit: ABC

Girl fight! “This doesn’t look anything like Vovinam,” notes the host of The Bachelor: Vietnam, who’s helping Harrison out with the commentary. (Also, that Vietnamese host is adorable. Is he single? Literally asking for a friend because I am married.)

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Credit: ABC

All of the “matches” basically look like drunk sorority girls beefing after one too many Long Island Iced Teas. Demi takes one to the face courtesy of Katie (it was an accident, seriously!), and on that downer note it’s off to the after-party.

Unfortunately for the Bachelor, everyone on the group date is kind of in a mood, and he has to do a lot of consoling. First, Tayshia tells Colton she needs more attention, so he gives her some (slightly weird) reassurance: “Our one-on-ones are the ones that I’d kill for every single day.” Then comes Katie, who starts crying as she admits to Colton that she’s “scared” he’ll think she “didn’t try” to get to know him. “It’s nice to see all the sides of you,” he says, before wrapping her in a comforting hug. No kiss? That might not be a good sign for Katie.

Hannah “Beast”, at least, is bubbly as usual.

Credit: ABC

Ugh, is THAT the behavior of a potential wife? Sydney and Tayshia sure don’t think so. How could Colton settle down with one of these “pretty and nice and fun” women who Tayshia calls “shiny objects”? “I feel like I am everything that he is literally come into this searching for,” grouses Sydney. “But he’s not looking at me.”

When she finally sits down with the Bachelor, Sydney says she’s “frustrated and emotional” about not getting more time with him. “Is there a reason you’re not putting me on a one-on-one?” she asks, point blank. Colton doesn’t give her much of an answer — “I’m still figuring out how every relationship is different” — so Sydney comes at it another way: “Can you get there with me?”

Short answer: ¯_(ツ)_/¯

All the Bachelor can do is tell Sydney that he’s “trying,” and she is left feeling as discouraged as she was when the chat began. “I don’t understand why he can see it so easy with other people and not me,” she sighs.

Leave it to Demi to find a way to stand out at this otherwise melancholy gathering: She asks Colton if he’d be willing to join her first phone call with her mom, post-prison. “This is going to be the first normal phone call I’ve had with her in years,” Demi explains. And before you could say “maybe you should keep that s–t private,” Colton and Demi are on the phone with Tina.

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Oh Lord, look out Colton — Sydney’s back. “I need more,” she tells him, before launching into the whole “it seems like you’re looking for a 22-year-old blonde bimbo, so I’m just gonna grab the next flight home” speech. (I’m paraphrasing.) Before she bids the Bachelor farewell forever (until the Women Tell All), Sydney offers this bit of ominous advice: “There are some very wonderful people in that group. Find them… Don’t be distracted by shiny things.”

Burning question: Do you think the NBA team Sydney used to dance for will let her have her old job back?

Oh, and Tayshia gets the date rose. (Next: Tayshia is ready to spill the tea)

The second one-on-one date of the week goes to… Kirpa! Shocker, right? The poor girl didn’t even get any airtime after she split her chin open in Thailand. It’s nice to see her get some attention from Colton and the show… but I think we all know there is no love connection here. Kirpa for sure knows it, even if she’s not ready to admit it yet. “Colton and I have had a slower start than the other girls,” she says, this date is “make-or-break” for their relationship.

Things get off to a bit of a rough start when Team Bachelor seats Kirpa and Colton on the same side of the table, which definitely makes conversation a little more physically awkward.

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Credit: ABC

After not eating their lunch, Kirpa and Colton snorkel and snuggle. The Bachelor says he’s attracted to her, and she says she feels “comfortable” around him… but some of the “ladies” back at the hotel worry (or, “worry”) that she’s getting sent home tonight. At dinner that night, Kirpa — rocking a fitted black jumpsuit — fills Colton in on her failed engagement. She was with this guy — a virgin! — for eight years, but eventually, their relationship landed in dead shark territory, and they broke up. “It was rough,” she says. “I don’t want to just get engaged again unless I know it’s going to be to the right person.” So this is the part where Colton admits that he doesn’t see a future with Kirpa, and he doesn’t want to waste her time, and he sends her home… right?

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Man, am I bad at this. What actually happened: Colton asked Kirpa if she’d be ready to get engaged at the end of this “journey,” she said yes, provided their relationship “keeps progressing,” and bing-bang-boom, she’s got a rose.

Once Colton is back from the date, Demi puts on her daisy dukes and her extra-bouncy hair extensions and heads over to his room. It is time, she says, to go “balls to the wall,” perhaps literally: “Hopefully after tonight, Colton won’t be the virgin anymore.”

Her first move is to drop the “I am falling in love with you” bomb — but then the Bachelor counters with a nuclear missile of rejection.

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Credit: ABC

“I do think about you a lot, and I do think about us,” says Colton. “But there’s a part of me that just doesn’t know if we can get there. I don’t know right now if I can see myself with you at the end of this.” Holy blindside, rose lovers! Demi handles it remarkably well. “Thank you for being honest,” she says, wiping away tears. After a sad goodbye hug — and a reminder to Colton that he shouldn’t make the “safe choice” at the end — Demi heads back through the rain to the suite. “Nobody has ever loved me back,” she cries. “I just feel like I’m not good enough.” Oy, I hate it when the women start talking this way – yes, “ladies,” we all feel awful about ourselves when we’re rejected, but please remember you are all worthwhile human beings who deserve love. Okay? Okay.

Good Lord, the hits just keep on coming: Now Harrison just showed up and informed the women that Colton has canceled the cocktail party. Two rose ceremonies in one episode? It’s like Christmas, only with more tears!

Rose ceremony roll call: Hannah B., Caelynn, Cassie, and Heather will join Kirpa, Tayshia, and Hannah G. on the next leg of Colton’s “journey.” So sorry, Katie — you seemed cool. Perhaps we’ll see you in Paradise? Before she leaves, Katie urges Colton to “be smart” about who he picks — if you’re keeping score, she is now the third woman to warn the Bachelor that some of the women left are definitely there for the Wrong Reasons™. Poor Colton is so confused. “I thought when Sydney said it, she was talking about Demi,” he confesses to a producer. “And then I don’t know who Demi was talking about. And then I said goodbye to Katie, and I don’t know who she was talking about.”

Credit: ABC

Oh honey, where should we start?

But the episode’s not over yet! Frustrated and befuddled, Colton heads back into the hotel and informs the women that he knows there are some fakers in his midst. Come next week, he continues, “I really have to get the answers that I’m gonna need.” He may not even have to wait that long, because it sounds like Tayshia, who says she knows who needs to be outed, is itching to stir some s–t up: “Colton knows that the tea is brewing, and he wants someone to spill the tea.”

Maybe, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be psyched to hear how Tayshia was talking after he went back to his room. “Let’s take this thing,” she whispers to Kirpa, sounding like a ‘roided out athlete or a pirate. “Watch, it’s us two at the end.”

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Kirpa wisely chooses not to respond, and with that, we segue into an extended preview montage: The fence jump! Tears! A parking lot! More tears! Skydiving! Hannah B. on a hometown date! Fantasy suites! A castle on a hill! In all honesty, it’s a lot to absorb. Let’s just take it one week at a time.

What a week, right rose lovers? Were you surprised by any of the eliminations — voluntary or otherwise? Is it me, or is Tayshia starting to seem kind of sinister? And how do you make a tiny dreamcatcher in prison? Post your thoughts now!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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