Dammit, Colton! Why did you have to say that? Now something will definitely ruin it — or someone, actually. Back at the hotel, Elyse is still freaking out, so after getting all dressed up in a long, flowy white “statement dress,” she stands up and walks out of the room just as Heather is regaling all of the “ladies” with tales of her spectacular one-on-one. Um, rude. “I’m very weirded out as to what’s going on,” says Demi. “That’s very unlike Elyse.”
So what is going on? Apparently, Elyse has just realized she’s on a televised dating show with many, many other women — and she needs to share this revelation with Colton. To that end, she shows up at the Bachelor’s hotel room and informs him that she needs more “time and attention,” and unfortunately she can’t “call Chris Harrison and say I want every one-on-one for the next year.” There really isn’t much Colton can do but empathize, which he does — “When I was in your position it was tough to go on a one-on-one and then watch the other guys come back with a bigger smile on their face than I had”— but Elyse needs more. Elyse needs it all. “I literally can’t accept a proposal after a few months of sharing your time and attention with other people,” she says sadly. “I can’t do it.”
All together now, rose lovers: THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON THIS SHOW, WOMAN?
“This isn’t working for me,” Elyse continues. “I have to leave.” And leave she does, after a long, sad hug with Colton and many, many tears.
Naturally, Elyse regrets her decision almost immediately (“How f—ing stupid am I?” she wonders aloud), while Colton is feeling all triggered that he’ll never be “enough” to win a woman’s love.
Honestly, why do they make the poor guy film these self-confessionals the minute he rolls out of bed? Have some coffee and perk up, buddy, because it’s time to head into the jungle with your group date harem: Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, and Hannah G. The Bachelor has drafted a nice young man named Joe to show them all how to survive in the jungle by, say, using dry elephant poo to start a fire and eating bugs for protein.
Once again, Hannah B. eats something disgusting, but the joke’s on her — Colton just pretended to eat that grub. At least he appreciates how the “ladies” are willing to go full Fear Factor for him. “These women are intense!” marvels Colton. “Hannah B. swallowed a bug whole. Nicole stuck her hand into a hole with an eel in it, and Tayshia let a scorpion crawl all over her.” As for the Bachelor, he faced his fear of snakes… and then turned tail and ran.
To be fair, the snake was urinating on him. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Joe then divides everyone into teams and sends them off into the wild to collect food and water. While Demi and the two Hannahs head back to the hotel for a margarita (“Jungle Joe wasn’t very specific with the rules,” reasons Demi), Tayshia feeds Colton some chewed-up grub, mama-bird style.
Just kidding — she stole “her” man for a little smooch, much to the consternation of her teammates, Katie and Nicole. “That’s annoying,” mumbles Nicole. Colton doesn’t seem to mind, though — nor does he care that Demi and the two Hannahs completely ignored the rules of the challenge and brought back champagne and cheeseburgers from the hotel. (Next: Onyeka vs. Nicole, round 1)