God, everything else is going seem really trivial compared to what we just witnessed, rose lovers, but we can’t close out the week without the final cocktail party and rose ceremony. The Bachelor brings Hannah G. to his hotel room for their one-on-one chat, and she’s simply amazed by how neatly Colton made his bed. Has this woman never been a hotel before? No one makes their own bed in a hotel. Oh God, pet peeve alert:
Get your shoes off the bed, you two! Were you raised in a barn?? Hannah G. and Colton don’t just cuddle — they practically start dry-humping in their fancy dress clothes. First, he’s on top, then she’s on top, and man do I feel bad for the camera operators right about now. “Tonight, he acknowledged me in, like, the biggest way ever,” says Hannah G. After the hot-n-heavy smooch sesh, she and Colton make the bed, just like Brenda did after losing her virginity to Dylan at the Spring Dance.
Hold up — what’s going on here?
Don’t look now, rose lovers, but Hannah B. and Caelynn have decided to put their hurt feelings aside and just “be supportive of one another” and “put the past in the past.” Then they hug, and as Hannah puts it, “World War III was averted.”
Huh? Then where are we going to get our bitchfest fix? Oh, that’s right, Courtney and Demi still hate each other with a white-hot passion. When someone asks Courtney if she’s feeling better than she did on the last date, she jumps right back into taking digs at her enemy. “I’m feeling better and a lot more optimistic,” says Courtney. “I hope that people that don’t deserve to be here eventually aren’t here anymore.”
Oh girl, now it is on. Demi heads right for Colton. “Courtney — she is, like, the cancer of the house,” Demi reports with a smile. “Out of all of the women here, the one person who I think that is definitely not deserving of your heart is her.” Then she attempts to cover the lower half of Colton’s face with her lip gloss.
Wouldn’t you know it, Courtney arrives just in time to interrupt Colton’s chat with Demi — and the first thing she does is complain to the Bachelor about Demi’s behavior on the group date. Colton’s all, I hear you, but quick question: Are you, like, metastasizing right now?
Now it is on like Donkey Kong. “She isn’t here for you,” Courtney snaps. “The fact that you’re the Bachelor and the fact that this is a TV show is the reason why she’s here.” Poor Colton doesn’t know what to do at this point — is Courtney the cancer? Is Demi the cancer? Should he just pretend to have cancer and fly back to the States before the producers notice he’s gone? Head back to the group, Courtney — the Bachelor needs some time to think.
The “ladies” are shocked to hear that Demi used the c-word to describe Courtney. As they sit uncomfortably close to each other on the couches, Courtney and Demi begin yelling at each other all over again — Demi accuses Courtney of being “mean,” Courtney accuses Demi of needing a “time out” — and while the situation seems to stress Katie out, Kirpa thinks the whole thing is hilarious.
Thank the heavens above — Harrison is here to clink clink us into the long-awaited end of this episode. (But not before Demi parades her date rose in Courtney’s face, just for good measure.)
Rose ceremony roll call: Hannah G., Heather, Kirpa, Hannah B., Katie, Elyse, Sydney, Cassie, Nicole, and Onyeka join Demi, Caelynn, and Tayshia in the “keep” pile. Sorry Courtney and Tracy, but it’s there are two seats on the next redeye with your names on them.
You’ll be missed, Courtney.
What a week, rose lovers! Are you surprised Hannah B. and Caelynn got over their beef (and themselves)? Why is Courtney her own worst enemy? And Onyeka can’t be the only one who puked up that nasty lunch, right? Post your thoughts now!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.