By Kristen Baldwin
January 28, 2019 at 10:00 PM EST
ABC

We’ve reached peak pageant drama, rose lovers! The Caelynn vs. Hannah drama is intense from the jump this week, starting when Chris Harrison accidentally (ha ha, winky-face emoji) calls Hannah B. by her arch-rival’s name.

ABC

“First of all, my name’s Hannah,” she drawls, her face reddening with rage. She goes on to inform the host and the assembled “ladies” that “there were things said about me that should never have been said about me… and it just wasn’t fun.” Caelynn, meanwhile, forcefully holds her face in a neutral position, though she assures producers that she’s “moved on” and is ready to “put these weird things in the past.”

Oh gurl, please. Instead, stuff all that simmering resentment and rage in your carry-on bag, because it’s time to head to the far-off land known as… Singapore! Could someone please get Hannah G. a map?

ABC

There you go, hon.

Knock knock knock! The Accent Table of Doom is at the door, “ladies!” The first one-on-one date in Singapore goes to… Tayshia! Looks like I’m not the only one who’s a wee bit surprised.

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Buck up, toots. Your moment will come. And honestly, all of the other women should be happy they weren’t picked for this date because the activity is a one-way ticket to full-body paralysis, a.k.a. bungee jumping! “Oh my God, I think I’m gonna die,” Tayshia cry-laughs, and Colton admits he’s “really, really freaking out too.” But our Bachelor is nothing if not a gentleman, and so he agrees to go first.

ABC

“He sounded like a little girl!” wails Tayshia, more afraid than ever. Somehow, though, she musters up the courage to jump — which is something I could never do in 3 bazillion years, so props to them both. In case you weren’t aware, rose lovers, couples who overcome their fears together stay together… for a few hours, at least. Now strip down to your swimmies and make out in the ocean, you crazy kids.

At the Time to Open Up Dinner™, Tayshia has a bomb ready to drop on Colton, as expected: Sometime in the past 18 months, she married and divorced her first boyfriend. “It’s, like, the toughest thing I’ve gone through,” she says. The Bachelor takes the news in stride — after all, he’s a 26-year-old virgin, she’s a 28-year-old divorcee, potato, po-tah-to. Give her that date rose, Colton!

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The group date is a big one: Hannah G., Elyse, Kirpa, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, Tracy, Nicole, Demi, Courtney, Katie, Cassie, and Hannah B. For those of you playing along, this means Caelynn’s getting the second one-on-one, a fact that doesn’t sit well with Hannah B. or Demi. “I don’t know you Caelynn,” says Demi, “but it is frustrating to see even more time of his going to this whole situation, [rather] than somebody who hasn’t been involved in that.”

“Okay,” shrugs Caelynn, annoyed. “Your opinion in your opinion… I’ve moved on.”

“But Colton, I feel like, hasn’t,” Demi shoots back, as Miss North Carolina rolls her eyes. (Next: The group date sucks)

“Ladies,” stop with the bickering — the man you’re all “dating” is awaiting you in Singapore’s Chinatown district! Demi, in keeping with her DGAF attitude, sprints ahead of the group and leaps into Colton’s arms, which is the type of “in-your-face physicality” that the Bachelor does not know how to deal with. “I’m gonna act how I would act if it were just me and him,” notes Demi. Clearly.

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“Demi is trying to grab him every second,” sighs Courtney. “It’s frustrating because I’ve had very little time with him.” This, rose lovers, is what’s known as foreshadowing.

But before we get to the Courtney-Demi drama, it’s time to watch something that really sucks.

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Yep, Colton has brought his harem to the “leech therapy house.” (And yes, this is an actual thing they do in Singapore, not just some sick joke dreamed up by producers.) The Bachelor gamely agrees to go first, and soon the rest of the women are letting the slimy little bloodsuckers drain even more dignity from their bodies.

Even though Caelynn isn’t on the date, she is all Hannah B. can think about. “I feel like [Colton] is avoiding me because last week, Caelynn said some things about me that are not true,” Hannah frets. “I’m trying not to get in my head about it, but I’m gonna get in my head about it.” Cheer up, missy — at least you’re not Cassie, who just found out from a friendly neighborhood fortune teller that she was Colton’s sister in a past life. Gross.

Hannah B. is so anxious to get the Bachelor’s attention that during lunch — a splendiferous spread of local delicacies like bullfrog, pig’s feet, and eel — she actually eats a fish eyeball.

ABC

Say what you will about Alabama Hannah, but that is commitment, y’all.

At the cocktail party, Hannah B. makes sure to grab Colton first so she can assure him that she is a woman of “noble character,” despite what her rival says. “I just want to, like, make sure that we’re okay,” she says tremulously. The Bachelor says he can live with the fact that she and Caelynn hate each other — as long as he doesn’t have to hear about it. “Today, I feel like I got my Hannah back,” says Colton. “I’m sorry if at any point you thought I was being hard on you.” Then they kiss, and all I can think is, Man, I hope she brushed her teeth after eating that fisheye.

With that out of the way, Colton is free to make out with his “sister,” Cassie, whose dress seems to be making a full retreat from the parts of her body it’s actually supposed to cover.

ABC

As the night wears on, Courtney is getting more and more stressed and agitated, because she hasn’t had “her time” with Colton. Demi, for one, is tired of hearing her housemate complain. “Courtney has been pissed off for weeks,” she sniffs. “Her approach seems pretty lazy in my opinion because she hasn’t done anything to get her time with him.” But who cares about Courtney when Demi is about to reveal her big family news to Colton?

ABC

It’s a hard conversation for Demi to have — so hard, in fact, she almost sheds an actual tear. When she’s done talking to the Bachelor, Demi once again encourages Courtney — who is still sitting and moping about not having any time with Colton — to get off her behind and make a one-on-one chat with Colton happen. Courtney’s all, Nah, I’d rather sit here and feel sorry for myself. Girl, haven’t you ever seen this show? You can’t really blame Demi, then, for getting off her own behind and grabbing Colton for a second chat.

Eventually Courtney goes to find Colton, but instead, she discovers Demi alone. Rather than letting it go and leaving to find her man (ha ha ha, kidding), Courtney decides to get into it with Demi. She accuses the blonde minx of ignoring her feelings, which — even if you don’t like Demi — is completely absurd. It’s clear that Courtney would rather blame someone else for her inability to assert herself than, you know, actually assert herself. “How old are you again?” she asks Demi in her breathy-baby voice. “I just feel like your actions and behaviors just kind of solidify a maturity level.” Demi’s response is perfect: “You know, you have the right to feel that way, and I have the right to not care.”

ABC

But Demi gets the ultimate revenge on her rival: Colton gives her the date rose! It’s all too much for Courtney to bear, and she dashes off to the bathroom to cry. (Next: Caelynn shares a devastating story)

Let’s put a pin in this showdown, rose lovers, because it’s one-on-one date time. And wouldn’t you know it, Caelynn is the lucky winner of this season’s Pretty Woman date! Colton picks her up in a limousine and takes her to a space-age looking shopping mall, where Lisa Von Tang herself is waiting to ply Miss North Carolina with free designer duds.

“I’m not a person who, like, needs materialistic things, but to be spoiled like this is just so much fun to me,” says Caelynn (who I’m sure meant to say “material” rather than “materialistic,” but let’s not be crazy and expect Bachelor contestants to adhere to basic rules of grammar). After a day of very conspicuous consumption, Caelynn returns home laden with bags, like Vivian in her triumphant shopping-spree montage.

The other “ladies” are beyond jealous, though most of them are able to muster fake smiles and squeals of “Ooooh, that’s so pretty!” etc. Cassie, though, is quite honestly driven to tears over Caelynn’s good fortune — and one-on-one time with Colton. “It’s hard to see someone I’m dating now doing that [for] someone else,” she says, wiping away tears. “It just sucks.” (These women keep using the word “dating.” I do not think it means what they think it means.) Still, Cassie is just so happy for Caelynn. Can’t you tell?

That night, Caelynn wisely decides to wear a sexy green gown to dinner rather than that pink feathered monstrosity she tried on earlier in the day. But tonight isn’t just about flirting and making out — Caelynn has something serious to discuss with Colton. No, like, actually serious: She tells the Bachelor that when she was a sophomore in college four years ago (good LORD these women are young), she and two of her friends were drugged, raped, and otherwise violated by several douche-bros at a party.

If that’s not disgusting enough, Caelynn went to the hospital the next day to get a rape kit done but was turned away (which, as she points out, is illegal). When she finally did manage to get examined, there wasn’t enough evidence for a conviction — though one of the men who participated in the assault was expelled. “It screws up every ounce of you,” Caelynn continues. “I couldn’t leave my house — it was so, so bad.” The saddest part is hearing that Caelynn hid the attack from her parents for almost a year because she felt “so ashamed and so guilty.” Today, though, Caelynn says she will never let that “dark part” of her history “diminish” her or her happiness.

(Side note: The National Sexual Assault Hotline is 1-800-656-4673.)

Colton is moved and upset by Caelynn’s story, but sadly this isn’t the first time he’s dated someone who was sexually abused. “For me, that was the hardest thing I ever had to watch,” says Colton, wiping away tears. “Looking into her eyes and just knowing the pain associated with [her abuse].” (Though he never names his ex — Aly Raisman, the Olympic gymnast and fearless survivor of pedophile monster Larry Nassar — Colton refers to her as his “first love.”)

It’s an incredibly heavy moment, punctuated by fraught silences and sadness. Caelynn tells the Bachelor that his status as a virgin might be why she feels “so safe” with him, which makes sense. It’s impressive that Caelynn was brave enough to share her story on TV, but I must admit I felt a little dirty watching two people have such an intense conversation about private, very sensitive events. Oh, and Caelynn gets the date rose, because duh. (Next: Demi diagnoses Courtney with cancer)

God, everything else is going seem really trivial compared to what we just witnessed, rose lovers, but we can’t close out the week without the final cocktail party and rose ceremony. The Bachelor brings Hannah G. to his hotel room for their one-on-one chat, and she’s simply amazed by how neatly Colton made his bed. Has this woman never been a hotel before? No one makes their own bed in a hotel. Oh God, pet peeve alert:

ABC

Get your shoes off the bed, you two! Were you raised in a barn?? Hannah G. and Colton don’t just cuddle — they practically start dry-humping in their fancy dress clothes. First, he’s on top, then she’s on top, and man do I feel bad for the camera operators right about now. “Tonight, he acknowledged me in, like, the biggest way ever,” says Hannah G. After the hot-n-heavy smooch sesh, she and Colton make the bed, just like Brenda did after losing her virginity to Dylan at the Spring Dance.

Hold up — what’s going on here?

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Don’t look now, rose lovers, but Hannah B. and Caelynn have decided to put their hurt feelings aside and just “be supportive of one another” and “put the past in the past.” Then they hug, and as Hannah puts it, “World War III was averted.”

Huh? Then where are we going to get our bitchfest fix? Oh, that’s right, Courtney and Demi still hate each other with a white-hot passion. When someone asks Courtney if she’s feeling better than she did on the last date, she jumps right back into taking digs at her enemy. “I’m feeling better and a lot more optimistic,” says Courtney. “I hope that people that don’t deserve to be here eventually aren’t here anymore.”

Oh girl, now it is on. Demi heads right for Colton. “Courtney — she is, like, the cancer of the house,” Demi reports with a smile. “Out of all of the women here, the one person who I think that is definitely not deserving of your heart is her.” Then she attempts to cover the lower half of Colton’s face with her lip gloss.

Wouldn’t you know it, Courtney arrives just in time to interrupt Colton’s chat with Demi — and the first thing she does is complain to the Bachelor about Demi’s behavior on the group date. Colton’s all, I hear you, but quick question: Are you, like, metastasizing right now?

ABC

Now it is on like Donkey Kong. “She isn’t here for you,” Courtney snaps. “The fact that you’re the Bachelor and the fact that this is a TV show is the reason why she’s here.” Poor Colton doesn’t know what to do at this point — is Courtney the cancer? Is Demi the cancer? Should he just pretend to have cancer and fly back to the States before the producers notice he’s gone? Head back to the group, Courtney — the Bachelor needs some time to think.

The “ladies” are shocked to hear that Demi used the c-word to describe Courtney. As they sit uncomfortably close to each other on the couches, Courtney and Demi begin yelling at each other all over again — Demi accuses Courtney of being “mean,” Courtney accuses Demi of needing a “time out” — and while the situation seems to stress Katie out, Kirpa thinks the whole thing is hilarious.

Thank the heavens above — Harrison is here to clink clink us into the long-awaited end of this episode. (But not before Demi parades her date rose in Courtney’s face, just for good measure.)

Rose ceremony roll call: Hannah G., Heather, Kirpa, Hannah B., Katie, Elyse, Sydney, Cassie, Nicole, and Onyeka join Demi, Caelynn, and Tayshia in the “keep” pile. Sorry Courtney and Tracy, but it’s there are two seats on the next redeye with your names on them.

ABC

You’ll be missed, Courtney.

What a week, rose lovers! Are you surprised Hannah B. and Caelynn got over their beef (and themselves)? Why is Courtney her own worst enemy? And Onyeka can’t be the only one who puked up that nasty lunch, right? Post your thoughts now!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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Chris Harrison hosts the veteran reality romance series. Will you accept this rose?
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