After a few more heart-to-heart chats — including Nicole’s emotional revelation that her twin brother is “severely autistic” — Colton gives Elyse the date rose. Awww, Nicole, don’t cry! (Again!) There are still a bunch of roses left to go.
Happy birthday, Hannah B.! You get the first one-on-one date of the season. And yes, I had to look up the definition of “golden birthday,” too.) She and Colton hop in a vintage jeep — oy, those lap seatbelts are a little outdated, huh? — and hit the road. They drive about 50 minutes north to the Vasquez Rocks Natural Area Park, where some very patient horses await.
We interrupt this recap to bring you some breaking pageant-world drama: Back at the mansion, Caelynn (Miss North Carolina) is filling a producer in on her history with Hannah B. (Miss Alabama).
“We were roommates at Miss USA,” says Caelynn. “We were super close, and then she was not happy that I was first runner-up. She was mad she didn’t place.” According to Caelynn, Hannah B. “kind of snapped” and became “a whole new Hannah” — and now she’s anticipating/dreading the moment her one-time bestie’s “switch” flips yet again.
Oooh, here’s hoping it flips as she’s in the middle-of-nowhere hot tub with Colton! Though I guess that could electrocute them both — and I suppose technically that would be bad for the show. Before Hannah and Colton even get into the hot tub, the Bachelor suggests they each make a toast, and Miss Alabama completely freezes. Colton tries to help — “You say, ‘Let’s make a toast to…’ and then put some words together” — and eventually, Hannah manages to blurt something out (“let’s make a toast to… this amazing day and, um, roll tide”). The Bachelor is, to put it mildly, not very impressed.
“I thought that it was going to be this really easy, natural flow,” he says. “If we could just make any type of progress, I’ll be happy with that.” Let’s check in and see how they’re doing!
“If Hannah can’t open up, I’m not going to be giving her a rose at the end of the night,” says Colton ominously. Okay Alabama — you betta step it up! Their dinner is on the deck of an ocean liner, which is appropriate because this date is rapidly becoming a sinking ship. (Ba-dum-bum.) The Bachelor tries again to help Hannah relax — “I don’t want you to feel like you have to be perfect’ – and eventually she feels comfortable enough to ask him this season’s million-dollar question: “Why are you a virgin?” He goes the whole “finding the right heart” song and dance that we’ve heard many times before — and that, finally, is what gets Hannah to reveal something (anything) about herself. Fun fact: She too originally was saving herself for marriage, but then… she didn’t. The guilt “killed me,” she says. “I don’t feel perfect because I can’t give [my virginity] to somebody.”
Minor exposure of vulnerabilities — check! Other Hannah has done enough, so Colton gives her the date rose. Cue the fireworks!
The next morning, Colton is up with the sun and outside splitting logs like the Brawny man when his second harem — Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie, and Heather – arrives for their summer-camp themed date. They spend the day having a lot of wholesome fun in the sun (football, badminton, duck-duck-goose (!)), and then these guys drive up:
What the hell is Billy Eichner doing here? (“I wanted a guest spot on The Goldbergs and I got this,” he groans.) Harrison informs the “ladies” that they’re about to engage in a little “friendly competition,” and the team that wins gets to sleep overnight in the camp with Colton, while the losers go back to the mansion. First up, though, Billy has a little pep talk for the Bachelor:
Look, I’d watch the hell out of that. How about you, rose lovers?
The Camp Bachelor Jamboree features a brutal assortment of camp-related competitions: footraces of the egg & spoon, wheelbarrow and three-legged variety, a canoe race (the red team gets so lost, Billy says they’re “like Colton trying to find a vagina!”), and finally, a tug of war. The red team emerges victorious. Sorry yellow team, but you must head back to the mansion, with only your muddy shoes and your shame to keep you company. (Next: Chaos at the cocktail party)