You never really think about how strange the name “Colton” sounds until you hear people yell it, at full volume, over and over. But enough about the fence jump, right rose lovers? In part one of The Bachelor finale, we find out where Colton went after the hop heard ‘round the world — and how desperate he is to keep his “journey” to find “love” with Cassie from coming to an abrupt and unhappy end.
But first: Search party! After a stop at the Tealight Candle Thunderdome — and an extennnnnded recap of how we got to “the most shocking moment in Bachelor history” — we rejoin the search for Colton in the Portuguese countryside.
We pick up with Team Bachelor driving around the Algarvian (is that a word?) darkness looking for their leading man, to no avail. “We’re gonna look for another 20 or 30 minutes, and then I’ll have to call the police,” our fearless host Chris Harrison tells someone over the phone. The policia? Ah não! Fortunately, Team Bachelor does not have to bring in the law. After spotting a “dark figure” by the side of the road, a producer hops out of the car and runs to him. “Are you okay?” she asks Colton. That’s gotta be a rhetorical question, right?
The Bachelor just keeps walking, and when his producer attempts to guide him to the other side of the street, he wrenches his arm away. “Don’t touch me!” he snaps, loud enough that we can hear it even though he’s not wearing a mic. “No, I’m not okay.”
Though having an on-camera heart-to-heart with Harrison is probably the last thing Colton wants to do right now, production has other ideas. The host jogs down the road to catch up with Colton, while a camera operator appears from somewhere and starts recording the whole thing. “Dude, I’m done with this s—,” mumbles Colton, as a panting Harrison struggles to catch his breath.
No phone, no lights, no motorcar — where does the Bachelor think he’s going to go? Colton doesn’t know. All he knows is he’s done. Like, “done done,” with “the whole thing,” as Harrison puts it. Once he’s finally back at the car with the producers, though, our Bachelor starts giving them the tearful soundbites they’ve been looking for. “I’ve been through enough of knowing that I’m not enough for a long time,” he says sadly. “And every reminder of that just makes me stronger, so I’m okay with it.”
Awww, buddy — I don’t even really know what that means, but I assure you, it’s not true. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and gosh darn it, Tayshia and Hannah G. still really like you. “I literally said ‘I love you,’ and she said ‘I love you, too — goodbye,’” Colton mumbles to Harrison. The host reminds him that there are two women left who do love him — perhaps he wants to put a ring on one of those? Not tonight, sir. Not tonight. Colton gets in the minivan and lets production drive him back to the hotel.
The next day, after a little rest and perhaps a good, long cry, Colton allows his love guru Harrison to come over to his hotel for a chat. “I just needed time to be alone,” says Colton of his fence jump. “Every time something good happens for me or to me, it’s always followed by something bad.” Now the Bachelor says he doesn’t want to lose Cassie over something as silly as, you know, being the Bachelor — dating two other women at the same time was “confusing” for Cassie, he realizes. The confines of this reality TV dating show are what have endangered the relationship, Colton continues. If he ends it with Tayshia and Hannah G. and gives Cassie the “confidence” she needs in their relationship, everything will be fine.
Um… Mr. Harrison, would you mind pointing out to Colton that there might be another reason Cassie ended things?
Thanks, Chris. Appreciate it.
Still, Colton is not trying to hear that. “I feel like I can read people pretty well,” he says, making a claim that is based on absolutely zero evidence. “I think she loves me.” Now, says our Bachelor, he’s ready to “fight for somebody that I love.” Welp, all rightie then! But first, you’ve gotta go dump Tayshia and Hannah G.! (Next: Tayshia gets dumped, then watches herself get dumped on TV)