Arie kicks off his journey with four Laurens, one taxidermist, and lots of racing jokes
Credit: Paul Hebert/ABC
4. Season 5 (Jesse Palmer)

It’s 2018, Bachelor Nation! And that means it’s officially time to welcome you to the Bachelor season that no one saw coming and about 20 percent of you are actually excited about! I understand that some of you remember watching Emily’s Bachelorette season all those years ago, and you, for one, are so excited to see that Arie is still sad and alone and now you get to watch him cry some more before he ultimately finds someone to spend at least three months of his life with. And then there are those of you who are still upset that Peter now spends his days Snapchatting his workout classes instead of finding a new gap-toothed woman to share his bed. But as the saying goes: We have no choice. This is what the Bachelor gods have provided, so here we are.

But before Arie can start his journey to find love, it’s time to remind him of the terrible heartbreak he experienced five years ago, because what’s more inspiring than that?! And to make matters worse, the poor guy has to relive some of the things he said on national television, such as…”I don’t want to get caught up in the moment. I want to get caught up in you.” And then there was that thing about Emily hearing him through his journal. Get ready for more of this, America!

To catch all of you up: After Emily dumped his ass, Arie starting racing constantly, spending more than 200 days a year on the road to try to forget the pain, before ultimately deciding to settle down and get into real estate. Because nothing says “fresh start” quite like a career in real estate!

Now, he’s ready for love, but his journey STILL can’t begin. First, he has to hang out with Sean and Catherine and their incredibly adorable son Samuel just to once again rub in the fact that Arie does not have this. “YOU ARE STILL ALONE,” the Bachelor producers whisper in his ear. “THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, ARIE. LOOK HOW OLD YOU ARE.” And as they show him a reflection of his grey hair in the mirror — one last reminder that this is his last chance — they’re finally ready to send Arie off to night one.

That brings us to Chris Harrison, who kicks things off by reminding Arie that he hasn’t been able to make a relationship work in the FIVE years since he’s been on the show. So good luck now, bud! Here are 29 women you’ll probably fail with based on that track record!

Speaking of the women, it’s limo time…

Caroline, 26. Caroline is new to real estate, but she’s super confident in her abilities. However, she’s not so confident in the “off the market” joke she tries to get out when she first meets Arie.
First impression: She might want to find a new buyer. (Boom. Roasted.)

Chelsea, 29. Chelsea has a love-hate relationship with being a single mom…but she loves it.
First impression: She doesn’t understand words.

Kendall, 26. Kendall loves romantic dinners, long walks on the beach, and playing her ukulele to all of the stuffed animal corpses that she collects, of which she has MANY.
First impression: What are the odds her last name is Bates?

Seinne, 27. The first gift of the night comes from Seinne, who gives Arie elephant cuff links for good luck.
First impression: Well, she’s the first one to speak in full sentences so I’d say she’s killing it. Quick! Ask her to marry you, Arie!

Tia, 26. A friend of Bachelor favorite Raven, Tia is from Weiner, Arkansas, and yes, she does bring Arie a “little weiner” on night one. “Please tell me you don’t already have one,” she says in what’s definitely the best joke of the night that Arie 100 percent doesn’t get.
First impression: She deserves a man who gets her jokes.
(Next: Get ready to meet the woman with no age)

Bibiana, 30. Bibiana looks at Arie and she has two thoughts: He has pretty blue eyes. Our children would have pretty blue eyes.
First impression: What would she do to those poor kids if they got her eyes?

Bri, 25. Bri delicately lobs a softball at Arie and then is “so impressed” with the fact that he can CATCH A BALL.
First impression: Wait until she sees how he can drink with one hand and eat with the other!

Jenny, 25. Jenny wears a bright pink dress. This is all I know about Jenny.
First impression:

Brittane J., 27. Brittane knows you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, but what about an Arie?!
First impression: No.

Jacqueline, 26. I’ll let Jacqueline take this one as she tells Arie, “You just have to stand there and look pretty.”
First impression: A lifetime with Jacqueline would be a lifetime of hearing about how her life is so much harder than his.

Krystal, 29. Krystal is an online health and fitness coach, which translates to: She doesn’t get much human interaction. Proof? She tells Arie to put his hand on his heart, breathe, and reflect on feeling grateful. “Do you feel that?” she asks. Yeah, it’s called a complete lack of chemistry.
First impression: Next.

Nysha, 30. Nysha is a nurse who’s all about adrenaline and, frankly, blood. “The more blood the better for me,” she says.
First impression: RUN.

Valerie, 25. Valerie’s dress is yellow!
First impression: Fun dress color!

Bekah M., NO AGE. This “nanny” (a.k.a. babysitter) loves rock climbing and refuses to reveal her age. When she pulls up in a 1965 Mustang she tells Arie, “I may be young but I can still appreciate something classic,” and somehow his first question isn’t HOW YOUNG ARE YOU?!
First impression: Someone call her mother. She’s definitely out past curfew.

Jenna, 28. Jenna is just looking for a good man who’d like to take over the world with her and doesn’t mind being touched CONSTANTLY.
First impression: Someone get her a Valium.
(Next: Why are there four Laurens!?)

Jessica, 26. This television host just discovered the surefire way to make Arie feel like you’re his mother: yelling, “Look at you!”
First impression: She considers a rock a present.

Marikh, 27. Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom, but she could use some salt and pepper in her life, and you know what? I don’t hate her for it.
First impression: Her boxing sucks, but she seems all right.

Olivia, 23. Olivia tells Arie that she just adored him on Emily’s season because nothing starts a relationship off on the right foot like bringing up his ex!
First impression: I’m betting this one wants a do-over.

Becca K., 27. You know what’s so 2017? A man willingly getting down on one knee to propose. It’s way better to force him to do it, right Becca?
First impression: She doesn’t seem controlling or anything.

Lauren S., 31. She’s the first Lauren, and I don’t remember anything about her.
First impression: Your name is fine.

Lauren J., 33. The second Lauren gives Arie Mardi Gras beads and then gets offended when he guesses she’s from New Orleans and not “a small town in Louisiana that’s near New Orleans but not New Orleans.”
First impression: Your name’s not great.

Lauren B., 25. The third Lauren.
First impression: I hate your name.

Lauren G., 26. FOUR.
First impression: People should be banned from naming their children Lauren.

Ashley, 25. Ashley arrives with a racing flag and a racing joke, and based on Arie’s tone, I don’t think those racing jokes actually crack him up.
First impression: Forgettable.

Brittany T., 30. She gets points for attempting to speak Dutch. She also loses points for COMPLETELY BUTCHERING Dutch.
First impression: She breaks even.

Amber, 29. Amber owns her own spray tanning company, and if that doesn’t make Arie want to send her home, she informs him that she sees a lot of dicks and hopes he’s not one of them.
First impression: She almost impressed me by coming up with a joke that failed on multiple levels.

Ali, 27. Ali’s the kind of girl who thought, “I have to start with a racing joke. I HAVE to. Oh, I know! I’ll make him smell my armpits so that I can make a pit stop joke! Surely that will spell true love!”
First impression: She stinks.

Annaliese, 32. Annaliese arrives in a mask claiming that she’s the kissing bandit, and thank God she did, because that boring introduction was going nowhere if not for the mask.
First impression: At least she was smart enough to bring a prop to make up for the lack of chemistry?

Maquel, 23. This professional photographer loves yelling “dip her!” at her clients and making an entrance: She shows up on night one in a race car.
First impression: It would’ve been cooler if she’d been driving.
(Next: The first rose ceremony of the season)

As the women settle into the mansion, they can’t believe how amazing Arie is. They just don’t make people like him! You know, except for him!

As taxidermy girl tries to figure out how to stand out — I have an idea — Chelsea is the first woman to pull Arie away for some one-on-one time, in which she tells him that she’s mysterious and pretty much nothing else. And when Maquel interrupts her, it is on. If you were wondering who villain No. 1 of the season is going to be, meet Chelsea, everyone!

The night one shenanigans are pretty much what you’d expect, but it’s Brittany T. who pulls Arie away for a little race on some kids’ cars and lands the first kiss, which of course, Chelsea hates. While Chelsea seethes, we get to watch Kendall play Arie the ukulele — which means he’s her next victim? — and Jenna give him a foot massage before finally, Chelsea interrupts Krystal (who can’t not talk like a porn star?) to get her second chance.

Also, let’s take a second to recognize that when Arie told Krystal they didn’t have much time and he wanted to get to know her, she shouted, “I’m a libra!” As if that’s some sort of all-telling super unique quality.

Once Chelsea has Arie, she goes in for the kiss, which Arie ends with a “That was nice, thank you,” which I would normally say was the kiss of death, but then he gives her the first impression rose! I have no idea what just happened, but I know that all of these slow talkers and slow kisses makes me feel gross.

A few other highlights from the night:

Jessica tells Arie that her dead dad met Arie and therefore already approves of him. NO PRESSURE. Then there’s the child, Bekah, who asks Arie for three things that make him excited to live, to which he responds: excitement, adrenaline, and pizza. She rightfully makes a little fun of him, but then she comes back with: mountains, the feeling of liking somebody but not being sure if they like you back — a.k.a. the worst feeling in the world — and sitting in back of a ’65 Mustang. But that last one is mostly because she just got her learner’s permit and just loves cars so much right now.

All right, let’s get to the rose ceremony, you know, since the sun is rising and all. After Arie tells all the women that even if he sends them home they’re still amazing people — just in case all of their self worth was wrapped up in this one man’s opinion — he gives roses to Becca K., Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Bekah M., Lauren S., Seinne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, and Maquel.

That means we’re saying goodbye to Jessica (and her father’s approval), Amber, Ali, Bri, Brittane J., Lauren J., Nysha, and Olivia.

So there you have it: 2018 is off to a slow start filled with slow talkers and slower kisses. If you need me before next week, I’ll be taking a shower.

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