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January 01, 2018 at 10:00 PM EST

It’s 2018, Bachelor Nation! And that means it’s officially time to welcome you to the Bachelor season that no one saw coming and about 20 percent of you are actually excited about! I understand that some of you remember watching Emily’s Bachelorette season all those years ago, and you, for one, are so excited to see that Arie is still sad and alone and now you get to watch him cry some more before he ultimately finds someone to spend at least three months of his life with. And then there are those of you who are still upset that Peter now spends his days Snapchatting his workout classes instead of finding a new gap-toothed woman to share his bed. But as the saying goes: We have no choice. This is what the Bachelor gods have provided, so here we are.

But before Arie can start his journey to find love, it’s time to remind him of the terrible heartbreak he experienced five years ago, because what’s more inspiring than that?! And to make matters worse, the poor guy has to relive some of the things he said on national television, such as…”I don’t want to get caught up in the moment. I want to get caught up in you.” And then there was that thing about Emily hearing him through his journal. Get ready for more of this, America!

To catch all of you up: After Emily dumped his ass, Arie starting racing constantly, spending more than 200 days a year on the road to try to forget the pain, before ultimately deciding to settle down and get into real estate. Because nothing says “fresh start” quite like a career in real estate!

Now, he’s ready for love, but his journey STILL can’t begin. First, he has to hang out with Sean and Catherine and their incredibly adorable son Samuel just to once again rub in the fact that Arie does not have this. “YOU ARE STILL ALONE,” the Bachelor producers whisper in his ear. “THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, ARIE. LOOK HOW OLD YOU ARE.” And as they show him a reflection of his grey hair in the mirror — one last reminder that this is his last chance — they’re finally ready to send Arie off to night one.

That brings us to Chris Harrison, who kicks things off by reminding Arie that he hasn’t been able to make a relationship work in the FIVE years since he’s been on the show. So good luck now, bud! Here are 29 women you’ll probably fail with based on that track record!

Speaking of the women, it’s limo time…

Caroline, 26. Caroline is new to real estate, but she’s super confident in her abilities. However, she’s not so confident in the “off the market” joke she tries to get out when she first meets Arie.
First impression: She might want to find a new buyer. (Boom. Roasted.)

Chelsea, 29. Chelsea has a love-hate relationship with being a single mom…but she loves it.
First impression: She doesn’t understand words.

Kendall, 26. Kendall loves romantic dinners, long walks on the beach, and playing her ukulele to all of the stuffed animal corpses that she collects, of which she has MANY.
First impression: What are the odds her last name is Bates?

Seinne, 27. The first gift of the night comes from Seinne, who gives Arie elephant cuff links for good luck.
First impression: Well, she’s the first one to speak in full sentences so I’d say she’s killing it. Quick! Ask her to marry you, Arie!

Tia, 26. A friend of Bachelor favorite Raven, Tia is from Weiner, Arkansas, and yes, she does bring Arie a “little weiner” on night one. “Please tell me you don’t already have one,” she says in what’s definitely the best joke of the night that Arie 100 percent doesn’t get.
First impression: She deserves a man who gets her jokes.
(Next: Get ready to meet the woman with no age)

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