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February 25, 2018 at 10:06 PM EST

Welcome to the Women Tell All recap, where…WE GOT BLOOPERS! I repeat: We! Got! Bloopers! People!

Now listen, I’m subbing in for your trusted EW Bachelor recapper Kristen right now, and I don’t want to cause a stir by insinuating that I don’t like bloopers. I like the bloopers, okay? But I also know that these bloopers I’ve apparently been waiting all season for will only last five minutes. Five minutes out of the — count ’em — nine hours we’ve now committed to the Bachelor franchise this week alone (that’s if you were watching Bachelor Winter Games, of course, and my goodness, why wouldn’t you be watching Bachelor Winter Games? They had beefy Australians and hot tub appointments and a bona fide marriage proposal).

I know this is how it goes every season, but the constant touting of the patented Women Tell All blooper reel at the end of such a prolific week almost felt like it was mocking us: You’ve devoted the equivalent of a full night’s sleep to watching our selected pod people fall in love — now you will take your clip of Lauren Z. getting attacked by a carpenter bee or whatever, and you will LIKE IT! And who are we kidding, it’s Arie — how wild could these bloopers really be? This season is about to roll into Fantasy Suites, and the most interesting thing we can say about Arie is that his love language seems to be buying women dresses.

But don’t worry, despite Arie’s status as fine-just-fine, Harrison assures us that “this truly is the most dramatic ending in Bachelor history.” So we’ve got that to look forward to. Plus the best part of Women Tell All is that it finally focuses on the most interesting part of any Bachelor season: the women. And these women — these Krystals, these Bekahs, these swear-you-never-saw-them-once-on-this-season brunettes — have come to play. They’ve donned their best sheer panels, cold shoulders, and ribcage cutouts, and they’ve sat down together to talk about the perfectly tolerable boyfriend they once shared.

And let’s not leave out any Women Tell All’s most important character: the audience. There are ladies in “MISSING: Bekah M” shirts, there are ladies in “FOUND: Bekah M.” shirts, and there’s some guy in a Kissing Bandit mask who’s probably just trying to hide his identity. No need, pal, you’re at the event of the season: Krystal is about to call Arie a needle dick.


Now, I cannot say with 100 percent assurance that Krystal called Arie a needle dick. It was bleeped every single time, and it certainly seems that Krystal never got her peepers anywhere close to Arie’s needle, because I am confident she would have told us about that. But when Krystal steps into The Hot Seat with Chris Harrison™, her recap reel includes an extended scene of her raging to a producer about Arie being a liar after he crapped all over the sanctity of an all-binding bowling win. In said clip, she explains that she is a woman who dates men, not needle dicks who LIE ABOUT BOWLING!!! (Recap continues on page 2)

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