The Bachelor takes the women to Paris for romance, sightseeing, and the dreaded two-on-one date
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4. Season 5 (Jesse Palmer)

Bonjour, mes amis! This week, Arie flew to Paris with his harem in tow, and not only is Paris the perfect place to fall in love, it’s also the perfect place…for the motherthumping two-on-one date, y’all! Obviously, that’s all any of us want to talk about, but to feel the full impact of its magnificent awkwardness, we must start at the beginning of the week.

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We start with Le Host, Mr. Chris Harrison, sitting down with Arie in a picturesque Paris park. “Are you shocked to find yourself falling in love with more than one woman?” he asks, knowing full well that the answer is yes. “This week is really important,” notes our Bachelor. “I have to really choose those dates wisely, because from now on, all those decisions are extremely difficult.”

Next Harrison drops by the houseboat to tell the “ladies” that this week features the dreaded two-on-one date. We cut to a round of obligatory anguished reaction shots…but Krystal in particular knows that she’s f—ed.

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“I wonder who will be on the two-on-one…with me,” she coos. “I’m not backing down and running away.”

Last Remaining Lauren gets the first one-on-one of the week, which starts with a boat ride down the Seine. “More and more of her personality is coming out through these last few weeks,” notes Arie. Sir, what are you basing this on? Honestly, even when poor Lauren said she was “freaking out” to be chosen for the one-on-one in Paris, her “freaking out” face wasn’t much different than her “staring contest” face or her “always totally expressionless” face. Along those lines, Lauren really does not bring her personality A-game to the date, at least initially. She and Arie walk in silence down the city streets, and every time the Bachelor tries to engage her about the incredible sights they’re seeing, Lauren has just one thing to say:

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Gurl, it’s the Notre-Dame Cathedral — couldn’t you muster up another syllable or two? “Sorry,” she giggles after yet another lengthy pause in the conversation. “I’m just taking it all in.” Arie’s response to Lauren’s reticence is interesting: Rather than just being bored by her, he starts to worry that she’s just not that into him. “I would love more than anything for you to like me,” he says eagerly, to which Lauren replies…“Yeah.” Either she is an expert at playing hard to get, or Lauren legitimately has nothing to say. Arie may be willing to push past both of those barriers, but we all know how this works: No “opening up,” no rose. Can she do it?

Let’s put a pin in that question for a minute, because first, Arie has something pretty major to reveal about his past:

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Hold up — what? Lauren has barely managed to spit out that she has trust issues when Arie drops this bomb. Though he cut back on his racing after learning his live-in girlfriend (already a mother of two) was pregnant, Arie was away on a work trip when she called him with a sad update: “She said, ‘I lost the baby, and when you come home I won’t be here.’”

Okay, Lauren — you gotta give the poor guy something. “I’ve been, like, terrified to tell you anything,” she admits. Her parents are still together but they haven’t had an “easy marriage,” she continues, “and that kind of warped my view of men in general.” Add a failed engagement to the mix, and Lauren has finally given us — and Arie — some real reasons for why she’s so “guarded.” And he LOVES it.

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Congrats, LRL.

Group date time! Becca K., Seinne, Bekah M., Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna meet Arie on a beautiful day for a walk…directly to the landmark cabaret know as the Moulin Rouge. “Holy s—!” exclaims Tia, getting bleeped for the second time this episode.

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“This is insane!” cries Bekah M. (who, let’s hope, called her mother before hopping the plane to gay Paree). A nice lady named Miss Janet informs the women that they’ll be learning a routine from the club’s choreographer, Eric. Oh no, Tia’s swearing again.

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It’s true, she can’t really dance — but hey, don’t all the “ladies” look lovely in their can-can costumes?

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Rather than all of the “ladies” performing on stage, only the one who gets the date rose will get to strut her stuff in front of a live audience — with Arie in tow, of course. Each woman auditions for the Bachelor and Miss Janet — and some of then even bring a Black Box of Shame with them.

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At the cocktail party, though, Arie insists that he’ll be handing the rose out on the basis of “connection,” not booty-shaking. Bekah M. tells him she’s starting to feel jealous of the other women; Tia says she’s starting to daydream about him; and Seinne says, “I’m really happy to be in Paris with you” in French (baller move!). But the rose goes to…baby Bekah! Get your glitter on, girl, because it’s time to fly away to the Moulin Rouge.

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We’re shocked too, Bekah. No one told us Arie was going to be lip-synching. I feel like there should have been a warning. Also, an unrelated question: Why do we never get to see Arie’s conversations with Jenna anymore? Has she not been getting drunk enough or something? Her absence is unacceptable, Team Bachelor — please fix it tout suite!

And now, it’s time for the two-on-one date, starring…Kendall and Krystal! Krystal reads the date card — “We’ll always have Paris” — and then heads off to her confessional with a glass of red.

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“She was shaking!” giggles Krystal gleefully. “How boring are the other relationships compared to mine and Arie’s?” I don’t know, toots — if producers are showing you this confident and Kendall that nervous before the date, something tells me you’re getting the loser edit.

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The car drops Krystal and Kendall off at a chateau in the French countryside, where Arie greets them and acknowledges the “pressure” they’re all feeling. Enjoy the old art and architecture, guys!

As they stroll through the grounds, the Bachelor reminds us via voiceover what his concerns are with each women: Kendall’s never had a long-term relationship or been in love; Krystal was a psycho hose beast in Fort Lauderdale. Tough call, am I right? After a trip through a giant hedge maze, it’s time to get down to business. Arie pulls Krystal aside first for a chat on a stone bench in the shade. “It’s not like I’m punishing you in any way,” he says. “It’s just I have a lot of questions about you after last week.” For one thing, why did she have a hissy fit and put his “character into question” after the bowling date rather than just talking to him about it?

Krystal has clearly prepared herself for this line of questioning. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t come and talk to you,” she says. “I regret that, and I would never do that again. I don’t want to throw away all the color and texture and depth of our relationship.” Color and texture and depth? Is Krystal talking about a relationship or wall-to-wall carpeting? Whatever she means, he LOVES it.

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Of course, though, Krystal can’t quit while she’s ahead. Instead, she has to spend some time taking shots at Kendall — because, like, Kendall’s never been in love, and, like, is she really open to falling in love, and like, is she even ready to get married? “I feel 99 percent sure she’s going home tonight,” purrs Krystal. “So, may the best girl win.” Agreed, beeyotch.

Kendall, bless her dead-animal-loving heart, does not appear to get flustered at all when Arie fills her in on what Krystal said. “I can see marriage in you. I can see love forever in you,” she insists. To us, though, she admits that Krystal’s “cruel” attack on her shook her confidence a bit. “It’s about winning for Krystal,” she says. “That was obvious with the bowling date, and it’s obvious now.” But Kendall is not too shook to confront Krystal face to face.

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“Saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t necessarily mean you win,” Kendall says calmly. “It means you hurt somebody.” And because Kendall is a decent human being who wants to respond to Krystal’s rudeness with compassion, she scoots closer to her on the couch and tries to have a heart-to-heart. “I can definitely empathize with you,” she says. “You’ve been through more pain than I can even understand. It feels very controlled. I don’t think you should try to control it.” Krystal, who seems grossed out by Kendall’s humanity, gives her a smug smile and a condescending, “I don’t really have words.”

Oh good — Arie’s here to hand out the rose! Or not. Turns out, he needs more time. Go get dressed for dinner, “ladies” — your long day is about to get longer. Krystal finds the whole delay pretty “f—ed up,” and she takes her irritation out on Kendall at dinner (before Arie arrives, of course). She’s all, Don’t, like, give me patronizing speeches about how to live my life, and Kendall’s all, I’m just trying to help you be less of a bitch, and so on. Oh my God, Arie, get it together and make your damn choice.

First the Bachelor pulls Kendall aside for a chat — but we don’t see any of it, and if he has a chat with Krystal, we don’t see any of that either. When it comes time to hand out the rose, he’s more nervous than we’ve ever seen him, because…

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…he’s sending Krystal home! There is a god, rose lovers! Later, blondie. I’m sure we’ll be seeing you again.

Phew, after all that drama it’s hard to believe that we still have one more date to get through — but it’s Jacqueline’s turn in the spotlight, and attention must be paid. Unfortunately for Jacqueline, things get off to a less-than-stellar start, when Arie’s “really cute convertible” breaks down 10 feet from the boat where he picked her up.

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But then he buys her a fancy dress (or, he tells producers to buy it) and takes her to dinner at the world-famous Maxim’s. Things only get better for Jacqueline from there, when Arie confesses that he initially worried she was “far too intelligent for me.” Oh yeah, she definitely is. And she’s still got six more years to go before earning her Ph.D. Can Arie handle a woman who isn’t going to pack up and move to Scottsdale and start pumping out babies? “I would never want you to give up your dreams to pursue a relationship with me, but…”

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Jacqueline gets the rose! I’ll admit, I thought she was a goner. Man, so who is going home tonight? Let’s do this, Speed Racer! Roses go to Tia, Seinne, and Becca, which means we must say goodbye to Chelsea and dear, crazy Jenna. Get that woman to Paradise, stat! As for you, Chelsea, go on home to your little boy and stick to real-world dating, okay?

Well, rose lovers, we’ve come to the end of another week, and isn’t it…Wait, what’s that you say? Lauren’s in the corner having a monotone meltdown with a producer?

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Looks like Lauren’s feeling stressed out about, you know, watching Arie date other women and stuff. Girl, you better toughen up and get ready to carbo-load in Tuscany. Before you go, rose lovers, let me know your thoughts: What is Lauren’s deal? Do Arie and Kendall have anything in common? And did Arie make the right choice sending Krystal home? (HA HA HA HA just kidding, of course he did.) Post your thoughts now, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see if Moulin Rouge is on Netflix.

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