The Bachelor recap: Man vs. Child
Who’s feeling 22? BEKAH, THAT’S WHO. After weeks of mystery, the woman-child finally revealed her age, and — spoiler alert! — she’s not old enough to rent a car! There’s also a decent chance she’s still in college? Anyway, we’ll get to that. But first, the women have to join Arie in Lake Tahoe because we’ve officially reached the traveling part of the season, which so far is just as interesting as the rest of the season has been, which is to say: not very.
Arie is the first on the scene in Lake Tahoe, where he declares that it’s SUCH a contrast from Los Angeles because of its clear blue skies. Because it’s not like Los Angeles has clear blue skies literally every day of the year or anything.
By the time the women arrive, Kendall declares that this is her time to shine based on all the taxidermy at their hotel. As far as she’s concerned, stuffed dead animals make the perfect setting for love. (And suddenly, I’m horrified of what her wedding is going to look like.)
And yet, the first one-on-one date of the week goes to Seinne, who gets to go parasailing with Arie, which she says “feels like flying.” Hmmm, I wonder why. Seinne and Arie then sit down by the water for some riveting conversation. Here’s just a snippet…
Seinne: “I love the sound of water crashing.”
Arie: “That’s so awesome.”
After they discuss Arie’s younger brother getting married and how Seinne is such a good kisser, we cut back to the hotel, where Maquel decides to leave after finding out that her grandpa died. Meanwhile, I’m still not sure which one was Maquel.
That evening, Seinne announces that she’s afraid of disappointment, and I feel like someone really should’ve warned her not to come on this show. She tells Arie that her parents didn’t have the best marriage, which taught her that love is hard. Add on that society hasn’t often shown her love stories with black women, and you have all the reasons she’s guarded.
Arie then grabs the date rose and tells her that this could be her chance to get that love story. Sadly, however, that love story starts with a country concert, where Seinne is forced to dance on a platform in front of a bunch of strangers with a man who doesn’t even know how to dip her. He did it the wrong direction! Seinne, I’m thinking you should find yourself a better love story.
The next day is group date time, so Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, and Caroline head out into the wilderness for a hike. There, they meet up with a retired green beret combat commander and his wife to learn survival skills that none of these women will ever use (except for Kendall, who will choose to use them even though she’ll never need them. In other words, she’ll be eating worms while sitting on her couch in her luxury apartment).
First up is how to drink your own pee because if this show knows anything, it’s romance. Thankfully, it’s all a joke and Arie just ends up drinking apple juice, though Jacqueline is so ready to show him what she’ll do for love that he has to physically stop her before she drinks urine out of a thermos. And apparently we’re all going to act like that’s a totally normal thing to do to impress a guy.
Then the women move on to eating bugs, which Kendall calls “Tuesday.” Together, she, Arie, and Tia eat some worms while Krystal stands off to the side with her high pony and large scarf declaring that this date is not on her level. To clarify, IT’S BELOW HER. At this point, Krystal is essentially a Who from Whoville with her nose turned up, and she is not happy when Kendall gets a kiss from her man. (Next: Krystal vs. Tia and Caroline)
The final portion of the date involves the women being divided into three teams and handed a map and supplies to get to “the oasis.” Arie joins the blue team, where he proceeds to help women STEP OVER A LOG, and I’ve never been so embarrassed to be a woman.
At the end of the road is a hot tub that transports Arie back in time to high school, where putting his arm around Krystal means all the other women are going to get upset until he sits in the middle of the group. And guess what? Krystal is REALLY hurt by all of this. Now she just has to figure out what she’s going to say to Arie about it. She doesn’t have a plan at this point, but as she puts it, “Whatever I do, I have a feeling it’s going to be perfect.”
During the evening part of the date, Arie steals Lauren away for a “surprise” that I think is just a fire? How is that a surprise? She asks what Arie is looking for in a woman, and his list goes like this:
- She has to have a flexible schedule. (Why is this No. 1?!)
- She has to be independent because basically, he thinks equality is cool.
As for Lauren, she too likes equality because we’ve got ourselves a pair of dreamers here, guys. And then she just wants someone who will make dirty jokes with her. Combine it all and you’ve got a surefire formula for success!
Next up, Kendall tells Arie about Ping, the taxidermied duckling that she brings everywhere with her because she’s leaning hard into this being the thing that defines her.
As for Krystal, she’s busy telling the women that she felt super challenged today because all of her other dates have been so much more intimate. “He’s one person and we’re 12,” she says, showing us the extent of her mathematical abilities. She and Marikh then get into some kind of argument about how certain personalities are showing and none of it makes any sense and also, I don’t care.
Sitting down with Arie, Krystal tells him all about her glass case of emotions. She really wishes she wouldn’t have had a one-on-one so early because now she has a target on her back and feels so ostracized. She works up a couple tears and tells Arie that she really tries to come from a place of love, only pausing to check that the camera is getting every word. Once she gets confirmation, she turns the emotion up a notch and wonders why people are so quick to judge her.
When Tia’s about to interrupt, she asks Arie to ask for another minute and I could not be more #TeamTia in this situation.
Once she’s away from Arie, Krystal’s tears dry up REAL QUICK. She quickly replaces them with her superiority and tells the interviewer, “I’m so above this.” She then pulls Tia and Caroline aside to tell them that she felt hurt today when they were mimicking her and Arie in the hot tub earlier, but Tia is having NONE of it. “Please don’t play the victim,” Tia tells her before asking if Krystal talked to Arie about her. And when Krystal says yes, Tia walks away to find Arie.
With Arie, Tia admits that she’s scared that he could have feelings for others, so he tries to reassure her. Meanwhile, all I ask is that he stop moaning when he kisses people.
At the end of the night, the rose goes to Tia, yet another challenge that Krystal will have to overcome. This one falls right behind her greatest challenge in life: shining bright without intimidating others. (Next: Baby Bekah)
And with that, we’ve made it to Bekah’s date. She and Arie are spending the day exploring Lake Tahoe on horseback while he talks about their “great physical connection” and a collection of other phrases we can go ahead and file under: Things he’ll regret saying once he finds out how old she is.
After the horseback ride, the two get in a hot tub and cheers to finding out more about Bekah, though they spend the entire time making out and discussing the screws in his shoulder. It’s not until dinner that Arie asks Bekah if she’s really ready for all this, and essentially, she says no. She’s not sure how she’s supposed to know that, so Arie tries to put it simply: He’s getting older, and with that, he’s becoming the type of person who wakes up early and adults all day and then goes to bed early. Is she ready for that considering she’s…wait, how old is she?
Arie had been waiting to ask, but now he needs to know. And yeah, she’s 22. “Oh my god,” Arie says, trying to remember everything he’s said about her on national television that might make him sound like a pedophile. Once he refocuses, he admits he’s not sure she’s ready for marriage and — reminder! — he’s here for a wife.
Her response? Telling him he’s NEVER going to get reassurance because that’s not how love works. Well, if you wanted to know where her head was at, dude…
But he still doesn’t send her home. Not yet at least. Hey, what can he say? He’s a sucker for a pixie cut.
At the end of the night, he hands Bekah the rose, and her 22-year-old self is probably going to make Krystal’s head explode.
And that brings us to the cocktail party…just kidding! Chris Harrison shows up instead of Arie to cancel the party. Apparently, Arie’s made up his mind, so we’re going straight to the rose ceremony — where there’s another twist. Right as Arie’s about to get down to business, Krystal asks for a minute alone with him. “He made it very clear he did not want to talk this over,” Caroline sighs.
After Krystal gives Arie the “I’m not here to play games” speech, he gives roses to Lauren, Kendall, Ashley, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh, and — yep — Krystal. That means we’re saying goodbye to Brittany and Caroline.
And I’m out. If you all need me before next week, I’ll be living life like a 22-year-old just for kicks. Wait, does that mean I have to climb mountains? I quit already.