Here’s the thing about having a boring Bachelor: The producers have to pull out all the stops on the dates in order to even attempt to make a season entertaining, and that means wrestling, that means surprise guests, and that means dogs. And even with all that, you’ll probably find yourself thinking, Eh. But here we are anyway, three weeks into Arie’s journey and still only vaguely interested.
With 18 women left in the house, Chris “Time Is Precious” Harrison arrives to let the women know that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one this week before leaving behind the first date card for: Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M., Bibiana, and Krystal. And with that, I’d like to introduce you all to the Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor, or GLOB. (Because if I had to choose one word to describe this season, it would in fact be “glob.”)
On the wrestling date, the women will be learning from two of the “Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling” — no, not from the hit Netflix show GLOW, but rather from the far less exciting 1980s series. And to make matters worse, Arie doesn’t even know that it’s called a wrestling “match.” He prefers to call it a “wrestling fight” as he stands in the ring in a suit and attempts to participate.
And let me tell you something about these gorgeous ladies of wrestling: They do NOT believe in laughter. In their minds, this is not a date. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. The women get to learn from Little Egypt herself, and she will not have them goofing off. Instead, she’s going to insult Bibiana’s mother for naming her child after a Bib, and she’s going to get her fellow wrestler to pull Tia’s hair until she gets angry. (But instead Tia and Bibiana go cry together in a corner.)
So remember last week when I said Becca’s shopping excursion was a terrible date? This one is WAY worse. Fun is literally not allowed, but you also can’t take things the other direction and hit these mean women. Instead, you have to put on a fake smile and fake punch them.
But of course, Bekah M. is INTO it. For tonight’s show, she’s going to be a “sex kitten.” Fun fact: She thinks she looks like Catwoman when really, she looks like an 8-year-old who’s about to go trick-or-treating.
As the women dress up for the main event, it’s Arie who’s the first one in the ring, still wearing a suit because he truly doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. His opponent? Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King! Remember Kenny from Rachel’s season? Me too! Excited to see him again? Sure. Want to hear how he’s doing? TOO BAD. You literally watch Kenny throw Arie around and then he’s gone, never to be seen again.
Then it’s the women’s turn to enter the ring, and I’ve gotta say, this feels like a giant step back for womankind. The only highlight? Tia yelling “I’m too pretty for this!” and ultimately defeating Bibiana.
That night, Arie takes the women to an Airstream park, where Krystal steals him away so he can tell her how sexy she was today and she can whisper sweet, drawn-out syllables into his ear. She asks if he prefers for her to be aggressive, and he is all, “Just be you!” If she needs attention, he gives her permission to come get it. Speaking of attention, Krystal’s time is interrupted. As she stands to leave, she tells the next woman to “have fun,” and those two words have never sounded more like a threat.
While Bibiana complains about Krystal being too aggressive, Tia gets some one-on-one time with Arie where he admits that he expected her to rock today, so when he saw that she was upset about the old woman screaming at her and pulling her hair he thought, “Huh, that’s interesting.” GREAT THOUGHT, DUDE. But the good news is that her being upset allowed Arie to comfort her, which apparently makes him feel like a man. So should we address the issue of Arie needing a crying woman to feel like a man? No? Great, let’s move on. (Next: And the date rose goes to…)