The Bachelor recap: Beautiful (Bumper Car) Trauma
Considering we’re still at the very beginning of Arie’s journey to find love, now seems like the perfect time to remind everyone involved that things are going to get much, much worse before they get better. And then they’ll only get better for the one woman who will walk away with Arie, and if we’re being honest, her happiness might not last that much longer either. In other words, this is as good as it gets kids! So it makes sense that Harrison greets the women at the mansion by letting them all know that they won’t all stay happy. “Trust me,” the host-turned-reality-check says.
On that note, Harrison then hands over the first date card of the season, which tells Becca K. to “hold on tight.” Her response? “Hopefully I can hold onto his arms!!” Girl. Aim higher.
The direct translation of the date card is simply that Becca and Arie are going on a motorcycle ride, and when he fits her with her own leather jacket, she squeals, “Oh and he zips me too!” making it official that Becca gets excited about all the wrong things on dates. You could take her to the Grand Canyon and she’d lose her mind at how soft the blanket is that you brought for the picnic.
To make things worse, Becca also doesn’t know when to shut up. Here’s the thing about riding a motorcycle: You can’t really talk to the other person on the motorcycle. You both have helmets on, you’re sitting behind him, and then there’s all the wind. Yet Becca decides that if she screams loud enough, Arie can hear her. Plus, when you have thoughts like “I wish I could capture this moment forever in a painting” or “We’re not in Kansas anymore,” you just HAVE to share them lest he go through the day without knowing how amazing your mind is.
While Krystal is back at the house talking about how glad she is she didn’t get this date because her father was in a bad motorcycle accident, Becca and Arie arrive at a very fancy house where Becca finds out that her date is not at all about Arie and, in fact, she will barely talk to him, because her date is shopping with Rachel Zoe, who fits Becca in various gowns before giving her all of them. While Arie creeps me out with his idea to “sit back and enjoy it,” Becca tries on outfits during what this Minnesota girl claims is the best day of her life. The world could end today and she’d be happy, she says. (Screw true love! All Becca needed was a good dress!)
Arie then gives her shoes and jewelry and honestly, this is a terrible date. The two of them have said two things to each other and it’s been about how they both have pretty eyes. Becca was actually so eager to tell Arie that he had pretty eyes that she literally stopped him from kissing her. The man was leaning in, woman! Shut up! She then tells Arie that his eyes “suck people in,” which doesn’t sound at all murder-y.
After Arie puts Becca’s new earring IN HER EARS, which by the way is horrifying and not at all romantic, he gets his second chance to go in for the kiss and he takes it. Becca’s out-loud response? “Whoa.” Apparently those pillow lips are the real deal. Also, the phrase “pillow lips” might just be my least favorite thing to happen thus far this season.
For the evening portion of their date, Becca struggles to walk in her new Louboutins before she hits Arie with the big questions: She was told that he could fix the brakes on her car? (Spoiler: She’s not here for a husband. Girl just needs a good mechanic.) Arie says he can before explaining how his job in real estate really allowed him to slow down in life. (Slow down — you mean because you had good brakes that worked and stuff?)
Becca then shares her story of her past relationship and how it helped her get through her father’s passing and how family is important and how it’s great that Arie has a cool family and isn’t it magical that they’re both close with their families and…I’m bored. Eventually, Arie gives Becca the date rose and then surprises her by setting off a confetti canon in a rather cavernous space that, for a split second, sounds like a gunshot. You know what they say: There’s nothing like thinking you might die to force two people to fall in love!
The next day, it’s Krystal’s turn for a one-on-one date because two voices have never deserved each other more. When Krystal arrives at the airport, Arie informs her that he’s taking her to his home in Scottsdale, Arizona, because there’s no such thing as moving too quickly on this show! “It must be very meaningful to him,” Krystal says OF HIS HOME.
Once they land, Arie drives Krystal around and shows her the Pizza Hut he worked at and the specific species of willow tree he had his first kiss under, not to mention his high school, where he takes her on a tour and offends “art nerds and band guys,” both of which described Krystal in high school.
Arie then takes Krystal to his house to look through childhood photos and watch old videos that will surely serve to steer her away from having his children. Also, call me crazy, but usually these dates are for Arie to get to know the women because he, you know, has to choose from more than 20 of them. But no, this date is all about Arie and only Arie. Don’t you dare pull up a photo on your phone, Krystal. This is ARIE TIME. (Next: Krystal meets Arie’s parents)
The final stop on their Arie-centric tour is none other than his parents’ house because it seems like a great idea to waste their time by introducing them to a woman Arie doesn’t know anything about and has a 2 percent chance of choosing. As suspected, the visit is pretty much pointless, unless you call Krystal calling Arie’s parents “adorable” a meaningful and not at all condescending moment.
Back at the mansion, someone knocks on the door, which Bibiana says “literally sounds like The Haunting.” Imagine what she must think of the doorbell.
The next date card arrives for Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, and Chelsea, which is a total of 15 women, meaning that only four women don’t have a date this week. Sucks to be them! (Or does it?)
For the dinner portion of their date, Krystal thanks Arie for really painting her a picture of what his life is like. Um, he didn’t paint you a picture, HE LITERALLY SHOWED YOU IT. YOU WERE IN THE PAINTING. Krystal then decides it’s time to tell Arie about her family life, you know, considering Arie hasn’t asked her one thing about herself this entire day. Krystal tells him that her parents divorced when she was young. After that, her father wasn’t part of her life, and her mother wasn’t emotionally part of her life. She then took it upon herself to care for her little brother, who, a year and a half ago, was attacked because he’d been living on the streets, where he elected to stay after his hospital stay.
The best part of this entire conversation is how Arie chooses to respond: “I have a lot of friends with difficult upbringings.” So he’s essentially playing the old “I have a lot of ____ friends” card to try to make Krystal feel better. He promises her that her upbringing doesn’t scare him, and in fact, the reason he chose her for this date was because he knew she would make his mom feel better about this entire process if she could see how amazing Krystal is.
He then gives her the date rose and actually manages to utter a coherent line about how her past has shaped her to be the amazing woman that she is. He then takes her to the first terribly uncomfortable private concert of the season, during which Krystal says she feels like she is “waking up from a dream” while slow dancing. Wait, so you were waking up from the dream of a dinner conversation in which you cried and had to drudge up your past or you’re IN a dream where you dance to a private concert?
The real star of this private concert, however, is the cameraman who chooses to film from behind a chandelier, thereby completely obstructing our view of the couple, and I, for one, am grateful to avoid all that awkward hugging and swaying.
The next day, Krystal flips a switch. The overly nice woman you met on night one is no more. This one wants nothing to do with the women of the house, and that means she is not interested in telling the other women about her date. Did she go to his house? You’ll never know. What’s his life like? “Great.” Man, the one time they actually wanted to hear her voice.
And that brings us to the 15-person group date that might be the greatest date idea the show has ever had: a demolition derby in which the women get to literally wreck one another. First things first, the women get to spray paint their own cars, at which point Chelsea chooses “lucky number 12.” Oof. So close. Meanwhile, Bekah has the real “lucky number 13.” But not everyone is feeling lucky.
I’d like to take this moment to address a very important issue affecting society today. That issue is none other than bumper car trauma. And no, it’s not the result of someone getting injured playing bumper cars as a child. It’s not the result of someone’s parents leaving them at the bumper cars never to return. It’s when Annaliese experienced a perfectly normal game of bumper cars where “everyone kept hitting me,” causing her to feel “so alone” despite all of the people inches from her face BECAUSE THEY WERE HITTING HER.
So naturally, when Annaliese is entered in a demolition derby, the emotions she’s spent years burying are brought to light. She starts to feel a bit better when Arie offers to try to protect her using his car, but the moment she sees someone carrying a fire extinguisher, she loses it. Again, she was not hurt when she played bumper cars as a child. She did not catch fire. But she was SCARRED. (Next: Bibiana is not a happy camper)
The derby begins and instantly, Annaliese sees the fun in it. It doesn’t take long for Bibiana and Brittany to stand out, but it’s Seinne who takes out Tia for the trophy (and the jar of milk).
That night, Brittany has to miss the cocktail party because she wasn’t feeling well — but how is Annaliese feeling?! Chelsea then wastes no time in grabbing Arie and telling him that she was “mysterious” on night one because she wasn’t telling him about her son. Now, she does just that, and Arie doesn’t flinch. Turns out, even before he dated Emily, he lived with a woman and her son. “It didn’t work out,” Arie tells her. NO S—.
While the rest of the women give Chelsea some grief for feeling like she’s sacrificing more than everyone else by being here, Arie gets to know Seinne a bit better, and one thing is clear: She’s far too good for him. A Yale grad, Seinne has lived in Brazil and Italy, and Arie, as he puts it, “barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut.”
The rest of the night goes as follows: The women literally create a list of who’s next to talk to Arie, and Bibiana loses her mind. “My patience has been trialed a lot,” she says before storming out of the room and threatening the cameraman to get him not to follow her.
Arie, however, doesn’t notice her absence because he’s so caught up in what the back of Bekah’s throat feels like. Brace yourselves, Bachelor fans, because I’m going to make a bold statement: Arie is not a good kisser. It’s as if he’s a succubus just trying to get his next meal, and those pillow-y lips? It appears as if they’re numb and he can’t actually feel/move them. Also, it’s too slow, dude. I know you’re trying to appear “passionate,” but I see through your game. Speed it up and see how the quality falters (even further). BECAUSE IT WILL.
Arie then ends the night by giving the date rose to Seinne before saying “fun” approximately 1,500 times. And that brings us to the next night’s cocktail party, and this time, Bibiana is going to get her time!
But before she does, we have to watch Arie give Brittany a certificate for being “Most Hardcore” at the demolition derby — a.k.a. your injury was your own damn fault — and then Baby Bekah gives us this soundbite: “I always have to have a fur on me.” Bekah and Arie then continue their riveting conversations by exchanging the same thought: “OMG you thought I didn’t like you?! You crazy.” Then they make out some more, only stopping when Bekah decides this is the perfect time to tell him, “I’m simply no drama. I’m easy to please.” First of all, you always have to have a fur so you’re the definition of drama. Also, I don’t need to know about your life in the bedroom.
Next up, Krystal, who has a rose, decides to steal Arie away and, in her best porn star voice, ask, “Have you missed me?” She then proceeds to moan every time he hugs her, and if she hasn’t worked in the phone sex industry, she’s truly missed her calling.
Other highlights of the evening that we barely get to see: Kendall introducing Arie to her taxidermy, and someone who’s really freaked out by Arie’s age asking, “Do you watch like the morning news and eat Raisin Bran?” GIVE ME MORE OF THIS AND LESS KRYSTAL!! But no…Krystal is back. And this time, she interrupts the wrong woman.
After days of wanting to talk to Arie, Bibiana finally gets her chance. All she’s been talking about is getting time with him and when she finally does, she can’t come up with a single question to ask the man other than what breed his dog is!!! What have you been doing, Bibiana?! And before Bibiana can find out the dog’s favorite chew toy, Krystal butts in.
The good news? Bibiana isn’t going to let her get away with it. She confronts Krystal after her chat with Arie and even calls her out on her condescending voice. “When you learn to speak to me like a normal human being and not a fake tone, I can actually respect you and listen to you,” Bibiana tells her as I applaud furiously. At this point, Bibiana wishes Krystal luck, because the women in the house are done with her, and Bibiana tells her she can meditate on THAT tomorrow.
The best part is that Bibiana actually yells “AND MIC DROP” as she stands to leave. If only she’d dropped her mic pack at that exact moment.
And now, we’ve made it to the rose ceremony. Reminder: Krystal, Becca, and Seinne already have roses. Arie then gives roses to: Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah M., Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana. That means we’re saying goodbye to Valerie, Lauren G., and Jenny (who has never been broken up with before, apparently).
And that’s the end of week two! If you all need me before next week, I’ll be calling my therapist and revisiting every amusement park ride from my childhood to make sure I’m OKAY.