The Bachelor recap: The Big Finnish
Well, ladies and gents, what do you think: Is this a whiskey or a wine kind of evening? I’m going to go with wine because I’m not the person currently sitting across from my ex, nor am I the person(s) standing outside in the freezing cold while my boyfriend shares a drink with his ex. Compared to these people, I’m #crushing life.
Quick reminder: Last week ended with Andi Dorfman knocking on Nick’s hotel room door, and after a full week of build-up — why is she here? What does she want? — Andi finally makes her shocking reveal: She just wants to see what’s up; what’s Nick thinkin; how’s it goin? (Any other questions you can think of but without the “g.”)
So basically, she’s super chill and also the producers clearly sent her in without any instructions. Actually, I take that back. She had one instruction: Be sure to bring up the most awkward moment of Nick’s life. But we’ll get there in a second.
First, Nick SHOCKS Andi by saying he might end up dumping 30 women — he’s not going to get engaged just because he’s The Bachelor, a thought that really connects with Andi. It’s as if you can see her thinking, “I could’ve done that and avoided Josh altogether?!” Yeah, Andi, you could’ve. And Nick isn’t going to end up with someone unless he really wants to be with them. But on the upside, he sees that happening.
Now, to the awkward stuff. It’s time for Nick to embark upon the fantasy suite dates, and Andi wants to know if Nick is going to have sex with all three women. Her advice? DO IT. So long as they are two consenting adults, Andi thinks Nick is “entitled to do whatever you want,” which might be taking it a step too far and definitely isn’t something I would call a “feminist rant” when you say it to a man, but sure. Live it up, Andi!
And that brings us to Nick’s lowest moment: when he asked Andi on national television why she would make love with him if she wasn’t in love with him. (And the worst part isn’t even that he said “make love WITH me.”) But now at least it seems like we have our answer: because Andi’s a freakin’ feminist. That’s why.
In all seriousness, Nick apologizes for the moment. He regrets that his words brought her pain, which is kind of like saying you’re sorry someone feels bad and not actually sorry for making them feel that way, but whatever. At this point, Nick needs to focus on apologizing to the women currently freezing to death as they wait for him. (Corinne is rocking not one slit but two, and I’ve got a feeling Racquel forgot to pack her hand warmers.)
So, with cars honking in the background — welcome to New York — and Nick in all black — again, welcome to New York — he gets to the rose ceremony and sends Corinne, who finally admits that she doesn’t know anything, home. That’s right! We have to watch another week of Rachel thinking she has a chance all while knowing it doesn’t work out! Because nothing makes you want to watch a love story like a zero percent chance of survival!
As Nick walks Corinne out, she doesn’t ask about her $3,000. She doesn’t even ask if it was because she has a nanny. Instead, she apologizes if she did anything to upset Nick, which quite frankly, UPSETS ME. Don’t apologize to the man who just dumped you! A woman with enough confidence to rock TWO slits should know better. And if there’s any good that comes out of this, it’s that we get to watch the moment when Corinne breaks out of her cocoon and becomes a beautiful, confident, maybe-self-sufficient-but-probably-not-because-she-still-has-a-nanny butterfly.
In the back of her depression limo — because even her depression mobile is going to be fancy — Corinne decides she’s done trying to show men that she supports them. It’s time for someone to support her! From here on out, she’s done trying to impress men. She’s just going to be herself and see what happens. (Also, THIS was Corinne impressing men? I guess the whipped cream finally makes sense. The bouncy castle, not so much.)
In a moment that rivals any speech Viola Davis has ever given, Corinne declares that she will never kiss up to a man ever again in her life. Then, like every great feminist before her, she falls asleep. Talk about a feminist rant, amirite Andi?
NEXT: The first overnight date in Finland
The next day, we travel to Finland, our final destination on this very strange journey to find love. Nick, super stoked about being above the Arctic Circle — “the most Northern place I’ve ever been,” he raves — is ready for his first overnight date with Raven. Also, do we think part of him sent Corinne home because he knew she’d never make it here? I mean, we saw how she dressed for New York; she definitely would have frozen to death in Finland.
In Lapland — the only place where overnight dates should ever happen, really — Raven and Nick take a quick helicopter ride before landing at a local pub, where they lose a game of darts. But at least Nick declares Raven the “perfect combination of salty and sweet.” Hear that Raven? Who needs “I love you” when he basically just called you Trail Mix?!
Over drinks, they discuss Raven’s hometown and the fact that Nick will do the cooking in their relationship so long as Raven folds the clothes. Then, things get serious when they find themselves in the middle of a classic debate that comes up at some point in every relationship:
nature versus nurture steaming versus ironing.
Preparing for their dinner date, Raven has to psych herself up for the conversation they’re about to have. Believe it or not, it’s more serious than the ironing-steaming debate. Not only is she planning to tell Nick that she loves him, but she’s also planning to tell him that she’s never had an orgasm before. And considering she’s only ever slept with one person, everyone in Hoxie, Arkansas, now knows which local should come with a money-back guarantee.
At dinner, you instantly get a sense of where Nick and Raven are at based on their choice of sweater: Raven’s rocking that “let’s go all the way tonight” off-the-shoulder sweater while Nick is buttoned up in a turtleneck. He wore a turtleneck to an overnight date. Raven, the odds aren’t looking like they’re in your favor, if you catch my drift.
Although, it’s Nick who’s asking the big questions tonight: “You usually choke under pressure?” No, she doesn’t Nick. Do YOU, though? Because you’re the one who’s going to have to prove something tonight.
With that, Raven decides to tell Nick that she’s in love with him. Well, she will if she ever puts down her drink. (And yes, that moment made this entire thing ridiculously endearing.) Raven tells Nick that her dad used to tell her that he prayed she would have an easy love. “Every step of the way you have made it so easy for me to love you,” she tells him, admitting that she should’ve told him this during her hometown. But she’s telling him now, and by the time she’s done, her only request is that he let her finish her freaking wine.
Nick declares it “one of the best professions of love I’ve ever heard,” which is a good thing, because Raven is sweating. In the end, she feels like Nick loves her, too, so the two of them head to the fantasy suite for a night under the stars. Literally, the roof of their room is glass so that they can see the Northern Lights and I’ve never been so jealous.
But before they spend the night together, Raven reminds Nick of two things: (1) She’s only ever been with one person; and (2) her last boyfriend never made her orgasm. NO PRESSURE, NICK.
And that’s all she wrote, folks. We’ll have to wait a week to see if Nick could finish the job. If you need me before then, I’ll be thinking about anything, ANYTHING other than Nick’s sex life.