Well, ladies and gents, what do you think: Is this a whiskey or a wine kind of evening? I’m going to go with wine because I’m not the person currently sitting across from my ex, nor am I the person(s) standing outside in the freezing cold while my boyfriend shares a drink with his ex. Compared to these people, I’m #crushing life.
Quick reminder: Last week ended with Andi Dorfman knocking on Nick’s hotel room door, and after a full week of build-up — why is she here? What does she want? — Andi finally makes her shocking reveal: She just wants to see what’s up; what’s Nick thinkin; how’s it goin? (Any other questions you can think of but without the “g.”)
So basically, she’s super chill and also the producers clearly sent her in without any instructions. Actually, I take that back. She had one instruction: Be sure to bring up the most awkward moment of Nick’s life. But we’ll get there in a second.
First, Nick SHOCKS Andi by saying he might end up dumping 30 women — he’s not going to get engaged just because he’s The Bachelor, a thought that really connects with Andi. It’s as if you can see her thinking, “I could’ve done that and avoided Josh altogether?!” Yeah, Andi, you could’ve. And Nick isn’t going to end up with someone unless he really wants to be with them. But on the upside, he sees that happening.
Now, to the awkward stuff. It’s time for Nick to embark upon the fantasy suite dates, and Andi wants to know if Nick is going to have sex with all three women. Her advice? DO IT. So long as they are two consenting adults, Andi thinks Nick is “entitled to do whatever you want,” which might be taking it a step too far and definitely isn’t something I would call a “feminist rant” when you say it to a man, but sure. Live it up, Andi!
And that brings us to Nick’s lowest moment: when he asked Andi on national television why she would make love with him if she wasn’t in love with him. (And the worst part isn’t even that he said “make love WITH me.”) But now at least it seems like we have our answer: because Andi’s a freakin’ feminist. That’s why.
In all seriousness, Nick apologizes for the moment. He regrets that his words brought her pain, which is kind of like saying you’re sorry someone feels bad and not actually sorry for making them feel that way, but whatever. At this point, Nick needs to focus on apologizing to the women currently freezing to death as they wait for him. (Corinne is rocking not one slit but two, and I’ve got a feeling Racquel forgot to pack her hand warmers.)
So, with cars honking in the background — welcome to New York — and Nick in all black — again, welcome to New York — he gets to the rose ceremony and sends Corinne, who finally admits that she doesn’t know anything, home. That’s right! We have to watch another week of Rachel thinking she has a chance all while knowing it doesn’t work out! Because nothing makes you want to watch a love story like a zero percent chance of survival!
As Nick walks Corinne out, she doesn’t ask about her $3,000. She doesn’t even ask if it was because she has a nanny. Instead, she apologizes if she did anything to upset Nick, which quite frankly, UPSETS ME. Don’t apologize to the man who just dumped you! A woman with enough confidence to rock TWO slits should know better. And if there’s any good that comes out of this, it’s that we get to watch the moment when Corinne breaks out of her cocoon and becomes a beautiful, confident, maybe-self-sufficient-but-probably-not-because-she-still-has-a-nanny butterfly.
In the back of her depression limo — because even her depression mobile is going to be fancy — Corinne decides she’s done trying to show men that she supports them. It’s time for someone to support her! From here on out, she’s done trying to impress men. She’s just going to be herself and see what happens. (Also, THIS was Corinne impressing men? I guess the whipped cream finally makes sense. The bouncy castle, not so much.)
In a moment that rivals any speech Viola Davis has ever given, Corinne declares that she will never kiss up to a man ever again in her life. Then, like every great feminist before her, she falls asleep. Talk about a feminist rant, amirite Andi?
NEXT: The first overnight date in Finland