The Bachelor recap: Bimini-Bobbidi-Boo
There’s something Corinne would like you all to know: NICK. IS. UNPREDICTABLE. You literally cannot predict what he’s going to do next. Sure, odds are it’s either hand a woman a rose or send her home, but really, his decisions are far too intricate for any of us to understand. From what I hear, it takes a certain emotional intelligencey to figure Nick out.
Back in St. Thomas, it’s “Another Day of Sun,” but unlike La La Land, this island is less about dreams and more about tears. (This in no way reflects on St. Thomas, which is getting a truly bad rap from this entire experience.) The women still can’t believe what happened last night when, as our helpful recapper Raven puts it, Nick realized the potential of not finding his partner here… again.
In fact, Nick’s still so upset by the possibility that he’s wearing shoes on the beach. When he sits down for a quick oceanside chat — the new fireside chat, if you ask me — with Chris Harrison, Harrison asks the hard questions: Is Nick ready to quit? The answer: kind of. And then Nick walks away. Well, if that was the end of that conversation, Harrison definitely doesn’t have a career as a therapist. They solved nothing!
Nick takes his sandy shoes and heads to the women’s suite, where he explains that even though sending Danielle L. home was difficult, he did it in part because of the strong relationships he has with the other women. He sees what he wants in this room, and he’s not talking about the booze. Nick is sick of getting so close to a happily ever after. This time, he’s going all the way!
With that, he cancels the cocktail party and the rose ceremony and instead decides to take the women to their next location: Bimini, which the women start saying repeatedly, not because they’ve ever heard of it before, but rather because it’s a fun word to say. Apparently, going to Bimini is Corinne’s “dream come true.” (Is Bimini known for its cucumber sandwiches or something?)
Once in Bimini — not gonna lie: It is fun to say, even just in my head — the first date card goes to Vanessa, and it reads, “Let’s go deeper,” and somehow, no one makes a sex joke. Although maybe Corinne was alluding to that when she called Vanessa a “lucky b—h.”
Corinne’s interpretation of the card is this: “I think he wants to get deeper emotionally with her.” THANKS, CORINNE. Have fun being bloated.
For some reason, Nick decides to take the woman who vomited on their first date on a boat, yet another unstable surface that she’s experiencing for the first time. But it turns out, the sea life doesn’t affect her stomach as much as it affects her brain as she tells Nick, “You’re as happy as the least happiest person in the relationship.”
Nick and Vanessa, both in desperate need of some sunglasses, discuss the emotional time that they spent in St. Thomas before Vanessa decides to tear down the emotional wall she’s been building and instead, go snorkeling! Except it might help if someone actually explains the concept of snorkeling to these two, because those masks don’t work underwater. (And for the record, neither does kissing.)
Back at the hotel, Corinne is telling Rachel all of her theories about Vanessa’s date card. “He wants her to open up more to him emotionally wise,” Corinne tells Rachel about Vanessa’s date. But if Corinne’s being honest, “I don’t get from her that there’s much to open up about.” Yes, Corinne, because you’re so deep and fascinating. According to Corinne, the extent of Vanessa’s depth extends to Sunday night dinners with her Italian family and teaching special education. As for Corinne? She considers her family to include her dogs, her office, her sister, and her nanny/maid/very best friend/biggest fan ever Racquel — in that order.
Back on Vanessa’s date, she’s gearing up to tell Nick that she loves him and she’s SO excited to see his “facial reaction” to the news. And it’s safe to say it isn’t everything she was hoping for, which I’m sure has something to do with Vanessa’s clumsy delivery. After she says “easy” at least five times — not to make Nick feel cheap or anything — she tells him, “The feeling that I felt for you, it’s not a feeling that I had in years.” Thankfully, she’s got a Beyoncé-esque breeze blowing through her hair right now, so there’s a good chance Nick isn’t even listening.
Eventually, she gets to her point and tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him. And this is where we get to the annoyingly awkward part of this conversation, as Nick explains that he can’t say “I love you” back even though he really, really likes Vanessa, because he only wants to say it to one woman.
Here are my issues with this.
- She didn’t say “I love you.” She said she was falling in love. There’s a difference.
- Everyone knows that the Bachelor/Bachelorette is not allowed to say how they feel until the very end unless it’s to send someone home. THIS IS NOT NEW.
NEXT: Corinne swims with sharks
So with Vanessa claiming she feels “confused,” we head into the group date where Corinne, who is “literally the queen of group dates,” is planning on stealing the show with her bright pink bikini. She joins Nick, Kristina, and Raven for some time on a yacht, or, as far as Corinne’s concerned, her second home. “I look great on a yacht,” she says, explaining that Floridians love yachts. In fact, she’s been on a boat bigger than this one.
Once everyone’s on the yacht, Nick turns his attention to Kristina. Specifically, he puts sunscreen on her back, legs, and INNER THIGH. As someone who’s prone to skin cancer, I appreciate his concern, but at this point he should be less worried about the sun and more worried about the wrath of the other women.
After Nick threatens to maroon Corinne on an island, he explains today’s activity. They’re going swimming! But there’s a wrinkle: They’re swimming with sharks. Another A+ Corinne moment: “What’s a wrinkle?” To put it a way she’d understand: the reason you get Botox.
Corinne’s brilliant follow-up question: Are the sharks toothless? Yes, because that’s humane, and also, you’re swimming in the OCEAN, not in some tank where scientists are studying the sharks. At this point, Kristina might be the most scared, but it’s Corinne who poses a third and final killer question: “What if one of them wants to bite our limb off?” YOUR COLLECTIVE LIMB? Considering it doesn’t exist, I think you’ll be just fine.
As far as Raven’s concerned, she’s safe because Kristina and Corinne are both scared, and after all, sharks can smell fear. And if you needed any further proof that Raven is from the South, there you have it. Horses can sense fear. Sharks smell blood.
And if you ask me, none of the women should be worried because Nick is clearly target No. 1. His short shorts are literally screaming.
The swimming lasts a few moments — during which the show pairs the sharks with growling noises? Does no one know anything about sharks? — before Kristina is too scared and gets back up on the boat. Nick, still thinking about her inner thigh, is right by her side, despite the fact that Corinne appears to be drowning. And in case you were wondering with what poor Racquel has to deal with every day, we watch as Corinne emerges from the water only to yell at the guy on the boat, “I need a towel!”
For the evening portion of the date, Nick once again wears tennis shoes on the beach before he grabs Kristina for an emotional chat about last week. (These people really don’t understand the concept of moving on.) Nick explains that he let his emotions get the best of him last week, and currently, he’s doing it again, but Kristina isn’t here to be your shoulder to cry on, Nick. Her response to his tears? “Listen, you can’t keep us all.” Yeah. SUCK IT UP DUDE.
While Corinne stress-eats cheese, Nick grabs Raven to talk about potentially meeting her family. Cutting straight to the chase, he asks the important question: “Do you call your dad ‘Daddy’?” The answer: Yes. Translation: He’s going to hate Nick.
Raven goes on to explain that her father recently beat lung cancer, which is why she suddenly lost interest in law school. But he’s good now, and her parents are still very much in love.
Finally, Corinne gets a chance to talk to Nick and quickly makes the most of her opportunity by speaking in third person and complaining that she hasn’t had a one-on-one. But as he explains, she doesn’t need a one-on-one, because she never leaves him alone as is. Just like that, Nick is “so cute” again, and, as she puts it, she’s “following deeper for Nick.” Good news, guys! Corinne is great again! (But unlike America, she never was.)
At the end of the night, the date card goes to Raven, thereby ensuring her the first hometown of the season. So while Kristina and Corinne head back to the hotel, Nick takes Raven to an oceanside concert, where they decide to dance not on the dance floor, but about 20 feet to the right of it? Do they not actually have tickets to this concert?
NEXT: Danielle doesn’t speak
The next day, Corinne is still annoyed by Nick’s decision to give Raven the rose. But you know what? Corinne is going to keep doing Corinne until she gets engaged to him — something I definitely did not need to know.
Today is Danielle’s second one-on-one of the season, and if you thought she didn’t speak in the first one, you’re in for a treat! After she has a full-body spasm at the news of getting said date, she prepares to ride off into the sunset with Nick on mopeds? Dolphins? NOPE. Bicycles. (ABC is on a budget, if you couldn’t tell by the fact that the women are in Bimini.) Have fun!
According to Danielle, bikes are actually better because riding a bike is just like her relationship with Nick: “You just get right back on.” Do you think she knows what she just implied?
After the two of them rudely interrupt some locals who are trying to play basketball — this show will never be asked back to Bimini — Danielle decides she is “150 bajillion percent falling for” Nick. (What do you think it was that put her over the edge? Watching him dunk on a child? It’d do it for me.)
To prove her love, Danielle is currently grinding with Nick while another poor local just tries to play the guitar in private.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Nick finally realizes that he’s been talking to himself throughout this entire relationship. As Nick starts to feel like they’re lacking chemistry, here’s a snippet of their riveting conversation as they check out their surroundings while on a boat.
Nick: “It’s kind of pretty.”
Danielle: “It is pretty.”
Nick: “Are those shells?”
Spoiler: They were shells.
That night, Danielle definitely talks MORE, but when Nick tells her, “Your face is pretty great,” her fate is all but sealed. She tries to salvage things by telling Nick that her heart is very open to him and that she cares a lot about him, but Nick’s response is simply to send her home. To be frank, he doesn’t miss her when they’re apart, so that’s pretty much that.
The worst moment? Nick tells her she’s great, to which she responds, “Not great enough.” Damn girl, pick your chin up! Don’t forget: You have a great face! Danielle, a hardcore feeler, instantly shuts down. All she cares about at this point is packing her things (which I thought was a joke, but I guess you don’t pack for a one-on-one).
Nick says goodbye as Danielle heads home to pack and hug the women goodbye. And Corinne, for one, is really affected: “It does hurt my heart a little bit that someone so sweet did go home, but I didn’t really see them together and — one less girl here.” Don’t you just love when women are there for other women?
At this point, Corinne doesn’t even recognize herself, because apparently, she’d live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick. (But who needs diamonds when you have a platinum vagine?)
NEXT: Corinne goes for the kill
Seeing Danielle’s departure as an opportunity, Corinne decides to find her best cleavage-baring top and her highest heels — who cares that she can’t walk in them? — and surprise Nick at his hotel room. She’s ready to turn their spark into a fire. As she puts it, “I’m gonna blow that room up!” That can be taken one of two ways, and neither one is a good thing.
At first, Corinne plays her visit as if she wants to check on Nick emotionally, but when the moment’s right, she turns on that amazing Corinne “sex charm,” which apparently involves her talking incessantly and, quite frankly, being bossy. We hear her tell Nick that he has to have “two hands on at all times… never jiggle… lightly massage.” There’s no “beating around the bush” with Corinne… literally.
But before they can go too far — Nick has learned from his special time with Kaitlyn — Nick puts a halt to the evening, after which the only thing Corinne can say is, “Oh my god.” Nick then thanks her for coming over and after she hugs him two times too many, she’s on her way back to the suite.
“I’m only human,” she says. “I can’t help if embarrassing things happen to me.” Um, pretty sure this didn’t happen TO YOU, but you know she’s shaken when she walks right past the open automatic doors and chooses to — gasp! — open a door for herself.
The next day, while Corinne is spinning out of control, it’s Rachel’s turn at a one-on-one, and because she loves “doing the local stuff,” she and Nick head to a bar. Nick’s still freaking out about meeting her father —whatever you do, do NOT call him Sammy — and it doesn’t help when Rachel reveals that Nick would be the first white guy she’s ever brought home. But in general, she’s not worried about it. Her family knows she’s smart. Her motto, “I love sports, but I don’t play games.” Sure.
But perhaps Nick should worry less about Rachel’s dad and more about their current bartender. After they tell the bartender a highly edited version of how they met, he gives Rachel some advice: “Make sure this guy really needs you and not just wants you.” (Suddenly, the trip to Bimini was all worth it.)
After that, Rachel returns to the hotel. Apparently her one-on-one is shortened because of the evening’s rose ceremony. Only, there’s not going to be a rose ceremony. As Nick tells Chris Harrison, he knows who he needs to say goodbye to, and out of respect, he wants to do it now.
Just as Corinne has a “nervous breakdown,” Nick walks in and asks to speak to… Kristina. At this point, Corinne STILL makes this moment about her.
Knowing what it’s like to get so close to the end and have your heart broken, Nick tries to save Kristina from that by letting her go now because he has stronger relationships in the house. She tries to argue that he didn’t give her a fair chance, but at the end of the day, the fact that he has other, better relationships is all she needs to know.
She’s happy that he’s finding love, and Nick reluctantly says goodbye. And if being dumped weren’t bad enough, Kristina is then stuck in the Depression Mobile on a road of seemingly endless speed bumps. At this rate, it’s going to take them 10 minutes to get out of the complex!
So that’s where we end the hour, with an unpredictable Nick doing unpredictable things like sending women home in order to find the woman he’s meant to be with. If you all need me before next week, I’m going to plan myself a vacation to Bimini. Just kidding!