Nick crumbles after a rough week in St. Thomas
"THE BACHELOR" - EPISODE 2106 (screen grab) AIR DATE: 02/06/17 CR: ABC
Credit: ABC
4. Season 5 (Jesse Palmer)

Well, I hope you guys have a Corinne-sized glass of champagne for this episode, because it is bor-ing. Do you love romance? This episode doesn’t have it! Do you love drama? Eh, this episode barely has it. But more than anything, it has a Jasmine, who can’t stop, won’t stop talking. And as for Nick? Well, someone broke him. Let’s get into it!

Just as a reminder, last week ended with Taylor getting some voodoo powers before marching right into Corinne and Nick’s date to inform Nick that Corinne didn’t just lie, she FLAT-OUT lied. FLAT OUT, Nick. That’s WAY worse!

Pulling Nick away from Corinne briefly, Taylor lets him know that she’s here to “open his eyeballs,” which some might perceive as a threat. But Nick isn’t scared. Instead, he assures the scary woman in front of him that he doesn’t think she’s a bully but that he’s sticking with his decision. So after sending Taylor on her way — again — Nick returns to finish his night with Corinne, who has learned that “cats have nine lives and bitches have two.”

Spending what’s left of her night with Nick, Corinne looks into his eyes and can’t help but think, “Oh my god, this is a real thing.” As in, he’s a real human? I have so many questions about Corinne’s dating history.

The next evening, it’s time for a rose ceremony, and Nick has no interest in a cocktail party, a decision that sends Alexis, Whitney, and Jasmine into a frenzy. At this point, Whitney would be shocked if her name isn’t called… and she’d be the only one.

With Corinne, Danielle M., and Rachel all safe, Nick gives additional roses to Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L., Jasmine, and Whitney. That means Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine are going home, leaving Alexis to wonder if she opened up enough. (Gentle reminder that they celebrated her breasts’ birthday together, so she definitely opened something up enough.)

Nine women are left in the game as this week takes them to a place known for its white sandy beaches and clear blue waters, a place that could not be more romantic, according to Nick. In actuality, he just described pretty much any island, but specifically, the women are headed to St. Thomas. This just in: Nick is trying to secure himself a job on the St. Thomas tourism board.

With Nick returning to the type of living that suits him best — island living, obviously (have you seen his short swim trunks?) — he’s ready for a great date, starting with a one-on-one with Kristina, who climbs into a sea plane only to have Nick calm her nerves by telling her that it’s “pretty safe.” Wow. How reassuring.

Heading to the Annaberg ruins for a day of relaxation, Nick and Kristina talk about her family, during which she struggles to count her siblings. She has eight in her adopted family and one biological sister back in Russia, whom she rarely speaks to. Nick, ever the detective, gets the feeling that Kristina’s family backstory is “a huge part of who she is.” Talk about emotional intelligence!

Over dinner, Nick decides it’s time to knock down Kristina’s walls with prying questions like, “Tell me some more.” But Kristina knows what Nick wants to hear, so she starts to talk about her childhood growing up in Russia. Before she went to an orphanage around age 7, she lived with her mother, who wouldn’t let her eat for entire days. She once got so hungry that she tried eating lipstick. And when her mother kicked her out for eating, Kristina found her way to an orphanage, where she lived until she was 12, when she was adopted and left behind everyone she loved to come to the U.S.

Translation: Kristina’s kind of amazing and quite possibly too good for Nick.

After hearing her story, Nick gives Kristina the rose, and the two of them finish the night with a dance.

NEXT: The group date goes downhill fast

Back at the hotel, Vanessa is boring the women to death reciting all of the cool “island facts” she picked up reading brochures while Nick applied for the St. Thomas tourism board, but knowledge isn’t the only thing the women picked up. Apparently, this hotel comes with a St. Thomas version of Racquel, ready to wait on Corinne, make her dresses less wrinkly, and make sure her towels are “all comfy.” Corinne’s only worry? That Racquel is going to be jealous. Um yeah, I’m pretty sure Racquel left the country the moment you left for the show.

The next day, the group date takes Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., Jasmine, Danielle L., and Whitney to a beach for some shots, a little competition, and a lot of awkward tension.

After Nick asks the hard-hitting questions — Christmas or Halloween? Chocolate or vanilla? — and Vanessa loses her mind, they arrive on a beach for a relaxing day of cornhole, tequila, and volleyball. (Just when you thought Corinne couldn’t get more annoying, she sips her shots.)

But when a couple of the women get a little too drunk, the volleyball game starts to unravel. Why does this feel like a competition? (Probably because both this volleyball game and this show are quite literally competitions.) Why isn’t Nick paying more attention to [insert woman’s name here]? And where can I get Vanessa’s bathing suit? (Sorry, that last one was me.)

After Jasmine shoves Corinne into the sand, it’s evident that the game has dissolved. Separately, each woman finds a private place where she can cry. Except for Corinne. Corinne goes to sleep.

That night, Nick is hoping that he can set things right, but his chat with Rachel is nothing if not a constant reminder that she can and will leave at any moment. No REALLY, Nick, she was going to leave today. And she could still leave tomorrow. In fact, she might leave right now. YOU’LL NEVER KNOW. So sleep tight, buddy.

But believe it or not, Nick is not subjected to the worst conversation of the night, which is to say that he doesn’t have to listen to Jasmine talk incessantly about how Nick better not overlook her unless he wants to get choked, an idea she later presents to Nick, but in a sexual context. Yeah, Nick’s not into it.

When Nick finally sits down with Jasmine, she lets him know that she needs reassurance. So far, she’s had to sit back and watch the women come home from one-on-one dates feeling amazing, and she wants that. So basically, she’s FLAT-OUT telling him that they don’t have a connection. And once Jasmine threatens to choke Nick out, he pulls the ripcord.

He explains that he’s thought a lot about what she said – in the last two seconds — and doesn’t see a future. Her response? “Don’t be sorry.” Yeah, he literally never said he was. So with that, Jasmine hits the road, and Raven gets the date rose.

The next day, Nick’s still feeling discouraged about everything — a woman threatening to choke you repeatedly can do that — and considering that today is a two-on-one date, things aren’t exactly looking up.

NEXT: Two more women go home

Today, Nick is taking Whitney and Danielle L., whose nickname is apparently D. Lo, which I love, to a remote island so that they can talk.

And by talk, I mean that Nick compliments Whitney’s beauty (along with her aura) before D. Lo steals the show by reminding Nick of the super amazing time they had on their first date.

With that, he sends Whitney home. The most interesting part of this entire date — which says a lot — is that upon her rejection, Whitney immediately turns on D. Lo, claiming that she’s not ready for a relationship. Has anyone ever deteriorated so quickly?! Regardless, Nick’s sending you home, honey. WHITNEY. THAT IS YOUR CUE. GET UP.

Whitney once again tries to ask about Danielle L., but Nick informs her that it’s not about Danielle, “it’s about you and I.” Right answer, wrong grammar. But I’ll let it slide. Whitney, still refusing to get up, then hugs Nick for an uncomfortably long amount of time before he and Danielle L. return to the helicopter and leave her behind. Apparently, Whitney was the only one who never saw it coming.

But the rejection doesn’t stop there. Later that night, Nick and D. Lo sit down to dinner, where they reminisce about their first date and continue their meaningful conversations. Here’s a snippet:

Danielle: “Dancing’s become our thing. It’s fun.”
Nick: “It’s fun to goof around that way.”

Are these two soulmates or what?! Except, when D. Lo admits that she’s falling in love with him, the look on Nick’s face reads: Somebody shoot me. This is the second woman to tell him she’s falling for him, and it’s the second woman he’ll send home because he doesn’t reciprocate those feelings.

As he explains to D. Lo, she was the one he wanted to fall for, but he just can’t give her the rose. And to make the breakup feel really final, he tells her, confidently, “I hope I’m not screwing this all up.” So that should help her move on.

With Danielle’s exit, Nick starts unraveling. What if HE is the problem, says the man who had to go on four dating shows to realize this. Mid-breakdown, he then barges into the women’s hotel suite. (Surely their alarmed gasps will make him feel better about himself.)

He explains that he was really optimistic about Danielle, but after today, he’s hit a new low. His biggest fear is that the same thing will happen with the remaining women: His love for them will eventually fall flat. He wants it to work, but he’s terrified that it’s not going to, so he leaves. And in his wake, he leaves an emotional Rachel, a confused Corinne, and Raven, who’s ready and willing to womansplain what just happened to all of them.

That’s where the week leaves us, with Nick worrying that he’ll never find love and the rest of us worrying that we’ll never care. If you need me before next week, I’ll be booking a trip to St. Thomas. I mean, Nick really knows how to sell a place, doesn’t he?!

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