The Bachelor recap: Artificial Intelligency
Corinne and Taylor go head to head on a two-on-one date in New Orleans
Between last week’s episode and this week’s, I feel like I can sum up the Taylor versus Corinne saga fairly simply: Taylor teaches Corinne a new phrase — “emotional intelligence” — before proving that she doesn’t actually have any. Anything else you want to know?
We pick up where we left off last week, with Taylor questioning whether Corinne is emotionally intelligent enough for Nick. But once Corinne learns how to pronounce “emotional intelligence,” she decides to pull an Adele and turn the tables on Taylor. (Get it? I have to amuse myself somehow, guys, I’m dying.)
Basically, Corinne’s argument can be summed up with a GIF.
She tells Taylor that she’s rude and nobody likes her. Also, just for the record, Corinne definitely knew the definition of emotional intelligence; she just wanted to see how Taylor defined it. (Otherwise known as the classic “I know but I wanted to see what you knew” excuse that can be found on elementary school playgrounds across America.)
Drinking from the world’s biggest champagne flute, Corinne declares Taylor a “gross and nasty” bully before telling her it’s understandable to feel “alone and sad”… except Taylor’s feeling neither of those things, because the woman who Corinne claims is hated by everyone else in the house is immediately comforted by her friends following their conversation. Meanwhile, Corinne runs off to find
the only person who likes her Nick and let him know that she’s “not going to be fake or lie or anything like that.” And yes, she swears she knows the definition of “fake” and “lie.”
She then tells Nick the results of her super insightful investigation into what she doesn’t like about Taylor: She’s very rude.
Feeling good about her conversation with Nick, Corinne claims that she “smacked the s–t” out of Taylor without Taylor even realizing it. And what does that say about Taylor’s emotional intelligence?! In related news, Corinne still doesn’t understand the definition of emotional intelligence.
At the rose ceremony, where ABC is clearly trying to freeze these women to death, Corinne says her first correct statement about Taylor: “She thinks she’s like entitled to whatever she thinks she’s entitled to.” Technically, that’s not wrong.
With Kristina, Danielle L., and Raven safe, Nick gives roses to Whitney, Danielle M., Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, and Taylor. That means Sarah and Astrid are heading to their own personal depression mobiles. Sarah’s is way more depressed than Astrid’s.
With both Corinne and Taylor sticking around, Taylor warns us all that if s–t is thrown in her face, she’s catching it and throwing it back, so let’s all just hope that her comebacks improve by episode’s end.
This week, we’re heading to New Orleans, a place filled with “gators, grits, and a good time,” according to Alexis. It’s Jaimi’s hometown, but Nick doesn’t care, because it’s Rachel who gets the only one-on-one date of the week. After the women finish jumping on beds and losing ABC its security deposit on this penthouse, Rachel meets up with Nick at the French Market for a “super chill” day of shopping, butterflies, and food.
I have to say, the most relatable I think Nick has ever been is the moment he eats his first beignet. We’ve all been there. And if you haven’t, you should fix that ASAP.
NEXT: Nothing says romance like a haunted house
But because no date on this show can truly be “super chill,” a parade comes down the street to celebrate Nick and Rachel. Either that, or Rachel and Nick just hijacked this parade that has absolutely nothing to do with them. Regardless, the two of them join the second line and dance their asses off, and it actually looks pretty fun. It’s the best date of Rachel’s life, and Nick seems to be enjoying himself quite a bit as well.
For the evening portion of their date, they head to Mardi Gras World, a warehouse filled with Mardi Gras floats that look like they’re going to come alive at any moment and kill everyone inside. Somehow able to put their float-related fears aside, Rachel and Nick sit down to dinner and open up to each other. Rachel reveals that she participated in a second line earlier this year when she was in town for a funeral. It was then that she decided to take advantage of every opportunity life throws her way. And now, she’s here. Talk about a story for the grandkids!
And you know Nick’s serious about someone when he asks about her dad. Well, Rachel’s is a federal judge in Dallas, so Godspeed, Nick! And if that weren’t bad enough, Rachel calls him “daddy,” which makes him about five times scarier than he was just a moment ago. That conversation then launches into Nick talking about how nervous he is to meet the fathers, plural, because it’s always a good idea to remind the woman you’re on a date with that you’re going to meet multiple families!
Once Nick talks his way out of that hole, he gives Rachel the date rose and tells her — rules be damned! — that he’s “super into” her. With that, they go make out on a float.
The next day, it’s group date time as Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. are headed to… a haunted house? Is this the adult version of taking a girl to a scary movie so that you can hold her? Because it’s a terrible idea.
The women meet up with Nick at Houmas House, which is supposedly one of the most haunted houses in all of Louisiana. And all Raven knows is that if she sees a ghost, she’s fully prepared to “rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus.”
Here’s the deal: I fully believe in ghosts, and I have been on many a ghost tour. However, the second you name the caretaker of a property “Boo,” you lose all credibility. What is this, a Madea Halloween?
Boo gives the group a tour of the house and explains that there’s one ghost — only one? — to watch out for. And this is strike two: Said ghost just so happens to be an 8-year-old girl, because everyone knows that kid ghosts are the scariest! We’ve all seen The Shining. We get it.
Apparently, May, the child, died of yellow fever at the age of 8 and now haunts the house in an endless search to find her doll (which is in a glass case in her room, so frankly, this ghost is dumb as hell).
As Boo goes on and on about how the women shouldn’t touch the doll, Jasmine — a non-believer — does the unthinkable: She touches May’s hat! We’ll get to that later.
So, while Nick and some of the women decide to use a Ouija board — which, for some reason, they think can predict the future? — Boo is pacing back and forth outside, freaking out that one of the women touched the doll. Go home, Boo, we’re not giving you your SAG card for this performance!
NEXT: One woman tells Nick she’s in love
Strike three for me takes place when Jasmine touches one of the covered statues that Boo warned the women to stay away from. The moment she pulls the sheet, a chandelier falls. Clearly, that is rigged to happen, which, by the way, is dangerous. (Thankfully, the camera crew was warned to stand back, or else someone could’ve gotten hurt.)
While all of this is going on, Corinne and Taylor are preparing for their two-on-one date. As Taylor meditates, Corinne takes a bubble bath, orders room service, and proves that she’s people smart by introducing us to other signs of her “intelligency.” But hey, what does her brain matter when she’s ready to show Nick her “golden heart” — and eventually, her “platinum vagine.”
Back on the date, way too many paranormal things are happening to make it believable, so Danielle L. takes Nick outside to let him know that she can see herself falling for him. It’s something that really hit her after the date, prompting Nick to remind us of that classic saying: “Absence makes the heart grow stronger.” So he thinks that absence is literally good for your health? Like it builds heart tissue? Maybe his intelligency does match Corinne’s after all.
Inside the house, Jasmine has seen the error of her ways. But when she goes to apologize for touching May’s hat, a bunch of books topple over. And the moment she forgets May’s name? Well, something shatters. Suddenly, Jasmine thinks ghosts are real, and I’m just bummed Raven didn’t rebuke May in the name of Jesus.
After Vanessa and Danielle M. prove that they don’t know the difference between a ghost and a psychic by asking May to predict which woman will get the rose, Danielle M. reconnects with Nick before Raven overshadows her moment. Sure, Danielle M. might like kissing Nick — a revelatory statement, if you ask me — but Raven tells Nick that when he sang “Kiss the Girl” from The Little Mermaid was “the moment I fell in love with you.”
And yet, Nick gives the date rose to Danielle M., a move that proves that the women should stop asking ghosts about their future and start asking Kristina, because just a few minutes ago she predicted tonight’s rose would go to someone who had an early one-on-one date and needs some reassurance. At this point, I’d say it’s more likely that Kristina’s a psychic than it is that May exists.
Now, for the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Nick decides that his two-on-one date with Taylor and Corinne can really only take place in one location: the bayou, where mosquitos, snakes, alligators, and really aggressive boat drivers with scary ponytails reside. As Corinne explains before the date, she and Taylor just have very different minds — “she’s calculated and analytical. I’m more colorful.” Sure.
And giving us her second Trump reference of the season, Corinne wants to “Make America Corinne Again,” which might mean giving everyone a nanny and forcing us to eat cucumbers for lunch?
After Taylor very purposefully straddles Nick during their hug — I see you, Taylor. What do you think of my emotional intelligence?! — the women hop on a boat and head deep into the swamp (which is NOT the jungle, Corinne) to meet up with a Voodoo priestess, because why not?
It seems today’s date is all about bringing the truth to the surface and figuring out whether Nick wants a woman with a nanny or a woman with a master’s degree. Or, as Corinne puts it, will he pick her or “a big mean swamp monster”?
NEXT: Nick sends one woman packing
The women join Nick for a Tarot card reading, but when the tension is too much for the reader to take in, she asks to read Taylor first. So while she tells Taylor that she’s around someone who has a “tendency to be nasty,” Corinne informs Nick that Taylor “emotionally attacked” her, called her stupid, and made her feel bullied.
The reader tells Taylor not to engage, but when Nick pulls her aside and asks for her side of the story, she not only engages, but she does so in all the wrong ways. Instead of trying to argue that she didn’t bully Corinne — and, I don’t know, thinks bullying is bad? — she tells him that stupid Corinne over here didn’t know what emotional intelligence was, thereby proving that she’s a bit of a bully.
Meanwhile, Corinne’s reading basically tells her to shut her mouth or else it’ll blow up in her face. She’s then handed a Voodoo doll, because everyone feels safe knowing it takes a certain intelligency to understand how to use it.
According to Corinne, Taylor belongs with the bugs, because she’s “the biggest bug of them all.” As for her? Well, her butt doesn’t belong in the swamp… because of its shape? I have so many questions about this argument.
But the real question is: Does Nick want a relationship built off of whipped cream and lies? Spoiler: a little bit.
Taylor briefly confronts Corinne about lying to Nick, but Corinne claims Taylor told her that she wouldn’t be her friend because Corinne isn’t intelligent enough. Taylor, appalled, says she never said that! But now? She fully believes that. See, Taylor’s not mean!
Neither woman can believe what the other does for a living, but in the end, the only opinion that matters is Nick’s (and, quite frankly, the Voodoo priestess’, because she can curse you).
Nick gives the date rose to Corinne and thanks Taylor for her time before they leave Taylor behind to get cleansed, or whatever happens when the Voodoo priestess puts her hands on you. All I know is Corinne better hope the priestess didn’t just bless Taylor with some superpowers, because Taylor isn’t ready to go home yet.
Just as Nick and Corinne start to enjoy their dinner together, Taylor makes her way back from the bayou, born again as… hopefully less of a bully? Regardless, she needs to talk to Nick.
That’s where they leave us this week, once again relegating Alexis to the final clip of the hour, which is all about her fear of Nicolas Cage who, quite frankly, is scarier than May.