The Bachelor recap: Cut the crap
If tonight’s episode teaches us anything, it’s that bouncy castles have consequences. And I’m not talking about busted lips or broken arms. I’m talking about angry, jealous women. Because if there’s one thing you can’t do in a house full of women, it’s straddle your collective boyfriend in broad daylight and then not even offer anyone else a turn in the bouncy castle!
We pick up right where we left off last week, with Vanessa letting Nick know that she’s more than happy to give him the rose back if he’s looking for less of a wife and more of a good time. But instead, he asks her to keep the rose and “be patient” when it comes to how he handles Corinne. In other words: Please don’t leave, but I’m not getting rid of Corinne.
While Vanessa handles Nick, Sarah and Taylor decide to wake Corinne up from her nap with a reality check. As Sarah puts it, the women are feeling disrespected and “you need to pull it together.” Corinne, however, can’t figure out why people think she’s entitled. “I’m not privileged in any way, shape, or form,” says the wealthy white woman who literally pays someone to wait on her hand and foot. At this point, Corinne has come to an agreement with
her other personalities herself: She’s not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay. “You do you!” Corinne shouts. “Imma do me!” (And here you thought the signs at the Women’s Marches were inspirational.)
At the rose ceremony, Corinne still can’t figure out why everyone has their “panties in a bundle” — is she talking about laundry? — but once she realizes that “girls are haters,” she’s ready to face the music. With Danielle L., Vanessa, and Rachel already safe, Nick gives roses to: Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M., Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, and Corinne. That means Christen and Brittany are headed home. And as Taylor puts it, at the mention of Corinne’s name, the mood is “gonna hit the wall.” Close enough.
After Nick compliments the women on how close they all are, which “weirdly” means a lot to him — because it doesn’t rule out polygamy/a number of sexual scenarios — Corinne decides she’s going to handle the toast tonight: Finally admitting her privilege, she states that all the women are “privileged and honored” to be here, and they all deserve to find love. How’s that for sticking it to the women?! Man did Corinne show them! And then, to make her victory even sweeter, she decides to show her rose who’s boss by taking a bite out of it. Say what you will, but that rose is going to think twice before talking behind Corinne’s back next time.
With only 15 women left, it’s finally time for them to leave Bachelor mansion behind and head on a worldwide journey to find love. And because this show believes in going big, the first stop on their love tour is none other than the romance capitol of the world: Milwaukee!! (To be fair, Chris Harrison told me before the season started that their original trip was ruined by weather, but they don’t seem to feel the need to mention that on air.)
As we head back to Nick’s hometown, is it just me, or does his voice get 10x more nasally when he talks to his parents? Over a quick cup of coffee, Nick assures his parents, “I’m as ready as I’ve ever been to make that commitment,” while mom sobs into her coffee, horrified that Nick has been single too long to know what happiness feels like. (Because, as we all know, single people are doomed to live unfulfilling lives that inevitably end in death by cats.) Then there’s Nick’s dad, who just really doesn’t want
these cameras in his face anymore to see his son on this show again.
First up, Nick is taking Danielle L. on a one-on-one date full of riveting stories of his childhood that oddly feel like stories about being bullied that he’s twisted into stories about being cool. There’s the one about him jumping in the river for $12 only to have the people who were supposed to pay him “run away,” followed by the one where he spent a lot of time at the library … to make out with girls. If we’re reading between the lines here, Nick was definitely thrown in that river and spent most of his teen years hiding in the library/studying.
NEXT: Nick runs into an ex-girlfriend
After stopping by a local bakery to decorate some cookies, Nick spots one of his ex-girlfriends — quick, ask her about the library! — and instead of doing what normal people do — ducking and walking the other way — Nick waits until she sees him, gets her mic’d up, and then asks her outside to chat, where he tells her, “You look great,” IN FRONT OF DANIELLE’S FACE.
We knew this guy was awkward with exes, but good lord is this painful. Yes, Amber’s very nice, but honestly, nobody cares. Nick has enough women to deal with at this point.
Continuing his hometown tour, which is a bit too informative if you ask me, Nick takes Danielle to the park where he lost his virginity. Because that’s normal! This might come as a shock Nick, but not every girl — translation: no girl — wants to visit the PUBLIC place where you “had a lot of firsts” on your first date as a couple.
That night, Danielle is ready for some good conversation (and so are her amazing boobs). Because Nick is convinced she doesn’t have a flaw, she has to swear that she grocery shops in sweatpants before she admits that her parents’ divorce is the reason she’s worried she won’t find the right person. And that’s why she hasn’t wanted to rush into marriage in the past.
From there, the two of them go to a Chris Lane concert so that they can make out while poor Chris Lane does his best to sing around the dancing couple so that he can perform to his actual fans.
The next day, Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M., and Corinne are headed to a dairy farm for this season’s least romantic group date yet! While Corinne fantasizes about being fed a nice chicken taco at a spa — again, this super specific scenario that’s definitely happened before does not mean she’s privileged! — Taylor can’t get over how cute it is to see Nick feeding “baby cows,” otherwise known as calves!
Today, Nick tells the women that they’re going to do some “more dirtier” things, such as feeding cows, milking cows, and scooping up cow manure. Shockingly, Corinne doesn’t know what normal chores are, let alone farm chores. As far as she’s concerned, she wouldn’t even subject her nanny to this nonsense. “Racquel is better than farm chores.”
Meanwhile, Jaimi definitely isn’t. In fact, she’s so good at milking a cow that she’s a little disappointed by Nick’s ability to “handle those teats.” (I bet that’s not the first time someone’s … I’m sorry, I can’t.)
NEXT: Corinne confronts the women
When it comes time for the final chore of the day, Corinne has a serious medical emergency: It’s a condition called “she really really really doesn’t want to do this.” After “losing circulation” in her hand, Corinne decides to sit out while the other women shovel s–t, and for some reason, this situation makes her want sushi?
I’m not sure what happens between the day and evening portions of the date, and I have no idea if she ever got sushi, but Corinne goes from calling poop “s–t” to calling it “poopy,” so there’s a chance she gets put in timeout when she cusses. #racquelsrules
At the cocktail party, Kristina is the first to grab Nick, where he assures her that he really, really wants to hear about her past … just not right now. But he promises he’ll make time for it soon. So soon. Really. As for now, he tells her, “I love watching you,” because we all know the next best thing to being told to shut up is being stalked.
Elsewhere, Corinne is starting to get the vibe that the girls have an issue with her, probably because Taylor and Sarah woke her up a few days ago to specifically tell her that they had an issue with her. But if Corinne is anything, she’s smarter than she looks. She’s also mature, something that can be proven by groping yourself and then comparing yourself to a “juicy, buttery” corn husk. Much like an onion, Corinne has layers, but instead of going with the typical metaphor, she chooses corn, because … it tastes better?
While Vanessa gives Nick a present from her students, Corinne decides that she’s ready to prove she’s not a “bubbly little dumbo.” (This just in: Dumbo’s offended as hell.) Corinne, who thinks giving someone the cold shoulder means talking about them non-stop, confronts the women and gives them the opportunity to bring their issues to her, and before Corinne can finish her sentence, Sarah has a question: “Do you think you’re genuinely ready to marry a 36-year-old man?” Sarah does not see Corinne matching Nick’s maturity level, and no, she’s still not over that time Corinne slept through a rose ceremony.
But Corinne is ready for this argument: “Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps.” Okay, let’s dissect this, shall we? One’s a spectacular athlete, the other a president. As far as I can tell, the only thing they have in common is that they’re tall? Does Corinne think she’s 6’4″?
As for Nick, Corinne says she’s definitely ready to marry the man. She only fell asleep because it was a stressful week, and the same can be said for her bouncy castle idea: It was stress relief
for a 6 year old. And about today, Corinne stopped shoveling “poopy” because she “almost had to go to the hospital” when she lost circulation in her fingers. (These are what Sean Spicer would call “alternative facts.”)
But the women aren’t done with Corinne just yet. Kristina, still frustrated by the fact that Nick won’t let her talk, tells Corinne that she’s sick of her “hiding away,” which is where we get “alternative fact” No. 2: Apparently, the night that Corinne slept through the rose ceremony was a reaction to a “panic attack.” But when Kristina doesn’t buy it, Corinne ends the “rude and disrespectful” conversation to go talk to Nick. After all, as Corinne puts it, “We’re fighting for a fiancé, not a pickle” — in case you were wondering which part of Nick she loves the most.
NEXT: Raven meets Nick’s family
Pulling Nick aside, Corinne explains that she confronted the women and now everything’s good and OMG wasn’t she so mature?! So mature, in fact, that she and Nick have an “adult convo,” which translates to: They don’t kiss. Adulting’s so weird, right??
At the end of the night, the date rose goes to Kristina, because Nick knows he has to give her something if he wants her to keep her mouth shut.
The next day, Raven gets what’s essentially the first hometown date of the season. After meeting up with Bella, Nick leads his youngest sister’s soccer team through some warm-up drills — where’s their coach? — before he and Raven sit on the sidelines (with his parents) to cheer for the team. As far as Nick’s dad is concerned, Raven has a cool name and a cool accent. What more could his son want?!
After the game, Nick and Raven follow the soccer team to Skateland, where a small child apparently lives in one of the games. Aside from that, Raven gets to sit down with Bella, who’s glad that Nick brought another person to cheer her on. Even at her age, Bella knows there’s strength in numbers. Although Bella wasn’t allowed to watch Bachelor In Paradise, she understands that’s where Raven first started to like Nick, and at this point, Bella’s ready for another sister-in-law, so she agrees with dad: Raven’s a keeper!
An afternoon of skating then turns into a night of skating at the Milwaukee Art Museum, something I’m sure the Milwaukee Art Museum was crazy happy about. Sitting down to dinner, Raven tells Nick all the details of how she found out her last boyfriend was cheating, down to the moment she beat him over the head with his lover’s stiletto.
But it was an experience that helped Raven discover her self worth, so who cares if her ex is blind? I’m kidding. I think. All that matters now is that Raven’s with a man who’s never cheated (though he’s currently dating 14 other women). With that conversation out of the way, the two of them end the night skating around the museum and making out after Raven gets the date rose and Nick eats a large chunk of her hair mid-kiss.
At the rose ceremony the next night, Taylor has “zero chill” left, and not just where Corinne is concerned. When Danielle “I already have a rose” L. pulls Nick aside first, Taylor loses it. And from there, she never quite gets it back. By “it,” I mean her sanity.
Elsewhere, Corinne is getting ready for her big showdown with Taylor by eating everything in sight. It’s called carb-loading. And once Corinne feels ready, she takes Taylor outside to call her out. Corinne wants to know why Taylor has been so mean to her, so Taylor explains that she doesn’t believe Corinne has the emotional intelligence to be in a healthy, committed relationship with Nick.
But all Corinne sees is Taylor playing “Miss Proper” and treating her like an idiot. In case you forgot, Corinne
‘s father runs a multimillion dollar company, and also, she doesn’t know what privilege is. Sorry, different argument. As far as Corinne’s concerned, Taylor is the same as the s–t that she never once scooped in her shovel: rude, fake, and nasty. First of all, I’m not sure what that s–t ever did to you, but it seemed perfectly polite to me. Also, it was VERY real.
And that’s where we’re going to leave things for the week, because there’s nothing like a poop comparison to keep audiences intrigued. I’ll see you all in a week. If you need me before then, I’ll be trying to find that magical spa that apparently serves tacos.