The Bachelor recap: As Long As Nick Loves Me
Another week of dates means The Backstreet Boys, vomit, and a track meet.
For those of you who’ve forgotten, we ended last week’s episode on a crazy cliffhanger when Nick sent Liz home before returning to the group date and saying the three words that would change absolutely nothing: “We had sex.”
This week, we pick up the next morning as word of Nick and Liz’s one night of moderate passion spreads. The women let us know that Christen — a.k.a. the one who approached Nick about the entire situation — received the date rose, and now, everyone is “going crazy,” which according to what they just cut to means — gasp! — doing one another’s makeup!
When Nick arrives at the mansion for the rose ceremony, he claims he’s an “open book.” So, one by one, the women throw soft-hitting questions his way before he focuses in on Danielle L., of whom he’s a “big fan.”
While Nick and Danielle genuinely seem to bond, Corinne is upstairs challenging herself to put on a trench coat without the assistance of her nanny. And it’s not going very well. According to Corinne, she has the “it” factor guys really like, otherwise known as boobs? And tonight, she’s going to use that to her advantage by pulling the “I’m naked under this trench coat” move that only works in movies so she and Nick can explore each other “sexedly.” (So it’s safe to say the “it” factor isn’t an understanding of the English language.)
As Corinne puts it, she has something up her sleeve — which, in this case, is nothing. Heading outside, she asks Nick to grab the whipped cream so her plan can be a success. Apparently, her plan is to make Nick eat whipped cream, lick whipped cream off her boob, and just generally eat so much whipped cream that he no longer likes whipped cream. And the kicker? Corinne brings the sex appeal when she says, “This is me in a trench coat if you were wondering. It’s weird.”
It is weird, which is why Nick decides things have gone about as far as they should. Personally, I’d say you probably should have drawn the line before the tongue-to-boob action, but what do I know?
When Jasmine walks by, Nick grabs her, leaving Corinne to run upstairs and put her trench coat to good use: Catching her tears as she claims their “conversation was so bad for our relationship.” As far as Corinne is concerned, they no longer have a chance as a couple. This just in: They never did.
It’s officially rose ceremony time, but because Corinne is pouting/snoring, she’s decided not to come downstairs — an action which Nick feels the need to apologize for and yet, he’s still keeping her around. With Corinne, Christen, and Danielle M. all safe, Nick gives roses to Astrid, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Danielle L., Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, and Jasmine. That means we say goodbye to three blondes we barely know: Lacey, Hailey, and Elizabeth.
NEXT: Backstreet’s back (and too good for this), alright!
The next day, Chris Harrison drops off the first group date card for Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, and Corinne. But the card is only the beginning. Moments later, the Backstreet Boys walk into the mansion and spend the next few minutes trying to peel women off of them. For today’s date, the Backstreet Boys — who are way too good for this show — are running things, and all they tell the women about the date is to avoid wearing heels.
Long story short, the Backstreet Boys are the latest in a long line of musicians to allow Bachelor contestants to completely ruin one of their shows, but they’re doing it in the name of publicity for their upcoming Vegas residency, so all’s fair in love and getting the word out. Today, the women and Nick will be joining BSB on stage as their backup dancers, and by the end of their show, they will pick one woman to stay on stage with Nick and get a special a capella serenade. (Unfortunately, the woman will have to be looking at Nick and not BSB. Hey, Brian!)
As soon as the women start rehearsing, one thing is clear: Corinne’s nanny usually does her dancing for her. Thanks to her “very bad short-term memory” Dory over here can’t remember half the steps to a very simple routine. It also doesn’t help that she thinks dancing is the same as everyone rubbing their ass on Nick.
By the end of rehearsal, Corinne doesn’t feel pretty, cute, confident, bubbly, OR fun. (Her personality is screwed now!) The only thing she feels is uncomfortable, and because she’s not a crybaby who cries when things don’t go her way, she runs away to cry about how things aren’t going her way. She’s just struggling because trying to be herself is making her not herself. There’s a riddle for you!
When it comes time to take the stage, Danielle L. walks away the winner, earning herself an onstage slow dance with Nick as the Backstreet Boys sing “I Want It That Way” and 500+ people watch. Talk about romance.
Fun fact: Watching Danielle L. and Nick kiss on stage is Corinne’s worst nightmare repeated over and over and over. Honestly, watching them kiss in front of her face is the worst day of Corinne’s freakishly sheltered life. (The second worst day? Raquel chopped her cucumber way too thin.)
For the evening part of the group date, Corinne grabs Nick first and, after explaining that she’s not good at “planned dancing,” she gives him a fake apology about missing the rose ceremony the other night. And instead of explaining why it was a bad move, Nick simply takes her apology and acts like all is well. (After all, he did get to lick her boob.)
Just like that, Corinne has “made Corinne great again,” you know, in case you needed another reason not to like her. For now, it’s Corinne’s nap time.
NEXT: Nothing says “first date” like a little vomit
With Corinne snoring away, Nick grabs Danielle as the two start their relationship together, which apparently translates to a bit of ass-grabbing on Nick’s part.
By the time Corinne rejoins the party, she starts explaining why she wants a “tiny” boob job — no! not her “it” factor! — before she lets the nanny out of the basement. When the women bring up having kids, Corinne explains, “I need to get Raquel ready for that.” Yes, Corinne has a nanny, because, as she puts it, “I’m a kid.”
Listing Raquel’s duties, we learn she wakes Corinne up, makes her coffee, makes her bed, brings her vegetable slices for lunch, and is the only person Corinne trusts to make cheese pasta (because it’s just SO hard). Also, she washes her clothes, but as Corinne says, it makes Raquel happy and “I’m not gonna stop a woman’s happiness.” (Historically, men also love using this excuse.)
Jasmine, so upset about the nanny reveal, face-plants out of anger before Nick gives the date rose to Danielle. As for Corinne, she doesn’t care about the rose. Right now, all she wants is Raquel. Doing “big girl stuff” isn’t fun. Corinne has even had to use the big-girl potty here!!! Can you imagine?!
The next day, it’s time for Vanessa’s one-on-one date with Nick, which involves flying in a Zero G plane and getting to experience what it feels like to kiss in space. (Spoiler: It’s a little sloppy and sometimes nauseating.)
After the two of them float around and prove the only thing more awkward than kissing in a pool is trying to kiss in zero gravity, something terrible happens: Vanessa vomits. How sexy does space seem right now?!
But all in all, Nick would list “comforting a nauseated woman” under things he likes, so the date is still a success, except for the part where he kisses her after she throws up and explains she still tastes fine. Let’s file that under things that are NEVER okay.
That evening, Nick takes Vanessa to the roof of the tallest building in LA, where he learns her grandfather died three weeks before filming began but that her family encouraged her to come. And when she asks Nick why he would do the show again, she gets Nick’s first tears of the season when he admits he’s been terrified that it isn’t going to work … until today gave him a bit of hope. Translation: We have our first real contender of the season as Nick hands Vanessa the date rose. (And you know she’s got a chance when she makes a guy cry despite vomiting on their first date.)
NEXT: The worst pool party Alexis has ever been to
The next day, the group date takes Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominique to a track, where they meet up with track and field legends Michelle Carter, Carl Lewis, and Allyson Felix. Today, the women will be running a Nickathalon to win Nick’s heart.
Basically, this is the date where we watch these women attempt physical activities in a segment I like to call: So many awkward strides, so little time.
Thankfully, there are a few women who show up to play, Rachel being one of them. Her only downfall? Claiming she would “love to track and field Nick all day.” Meaning … he might want to check his car for a tracker?
In the end, Rachel, Astrid, and Alexis make it to the final event: The three of them will race and whoever crosses the finish line first gets to grab a wrist-sized fake ring and meet Nick in the hot tub. Here’s where things get tricky. Rachel wins the race by a mile, but when she tries to grab the ring, she knocks it over, allowing last-place finisher Astrid to reach down to grab the ring. Rachel steps on and shatters the ring before she can, though, so Astrid gets to be the winner and join Nick in the hot tub?! I call BS! This is the most controversial sports moment since Deflategate!
At the cocktail party that night, Dominique wants to confront Nick about the fact he didn’t check on her today when she was perfectly fine and competing in all the events. She tells Nick he didn’t give her a fair chance by allowing her to do exactly what all the other women did, so in turn, Nick sends her home.
As for the date rose, Rachel — the true champion — finally gets what she deserves.
The next day, Nick decides to swap the cocktail party for a pool party, where these women apparently think doing a few squats while in a bathing suit will help you look better in said bathing suit?
While the women help Nick with his suntan lotion and do other things Corinne thinks are “desperate,” she decides to make him feel special the same way her nanny always made her feel special while she was growing up: She gets him a princess bouncy house. Then, hopefully doing something her nanny never did to her, she straddles him and lets him know he is “very comfortable.” Just what every guy dreams of hearing one day, amirite?
After her time with Nick is over, Corinne heads back upstairs to sleep while the women decide it’s time to let him know Corinne needs to go. Raven tells him about the nanny, including the fact Corinne “did not know how to clean a spoon,” which seems like an interesting fact to pull out, but we’ll go with it. Jasmine and Taylor are next in line to talk to him before things end on a pissed-off Vanessa. After watching the action in the bouncy house, Vanessa is questioning whether Nick’s looking for a wife or a woman in a trench coat.
That’s where we end the week, just as Josephine sings to Nick, thereby killing her chances of winning his heart. If you all need me before next Monday, I’ll be buying tickets to the Backstreet Boys Vegas residency, because watching them on The Bachelor can’t be the most recent memory I have of them.