The Bachelor recap: I Love You Two
Well everyone, welcome to Jamaica, the beautiful island where Ben will tell two women he loves them and then risk losing both of them thanks to his fashion choices. A tip to whoever wins this thing: Ben needs to live in a cold-weather city. He belongs in sweaters and literally nothing else. (Take that however you choose.)
Welcoming us to Jamaica is none other than Ben himself, who thinks “the water is blue” and “the air is fresh.” Also, “Ben is high.”
This week is going to be full of overnight dates, and as Ben puts it, they’re in “one of the most romantic places in the world, doing some of the most romantic things.” WINK.
Running down the three women he has left, it goes like this:
Pro: Beautiful, smiley
Con: Unable to express herself/feel (Ben’s classic sociopathy concern)
Pro: Basically love at first sight
Con: Is it too good to be true?
Pro: Most comfortable/himself with her
Con: Bad brothers
Getting ready for the first date of the week, Caila gives herself a little reminder to just, you know, be herself — sometimes she forgets — while Ben scales some ruins in his flip-flops and falls to his death.
Just kidding! Meeting up with Caila, Ben’s ready to take their “deep” — like his roots! — relationship rafting down a river, where Caila gives us fascinating observations, such as how the trip feels “very Jurassic Park” and also how it’s “weird” to get to spend a whole day together. If a day together is weird, what would an eternity together be like?
Unable to stop thinking about the fact that there’s two other women falling for Ben, Caila shoots herself in the foot by shutting down.
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NEXT: A breath is (apparently) worth a thousand words
When jerk chicken and coconuts can’t even get Caila to do anything other than brush her hair out of her face, Ben decides their evening together is the best time to address how freaking weird she’s acting. Getting ready for the fantasy suite night, Ben knows tonight is the BIGGEST night for his relationship with Caila. (Who knew Ben was so confident?)
As for Caila, she knows that their relationship needs to be OPEN again. We get it guys. Enjoy all the sex.
After Ben’s able to come up for air — Caila’s really setting the mood by attacking him with her lips — he asks why Caila was weird during their date. Her comment: “It’s funny that you noticed that I was weird today.” IS IT?
Caila explains that she’s been having trouble thinking about the other women, but with that, she finally tells him, “I’m in love with you,” which earns her a kiss. And this time, she sort of opens her mouth!
As Caila tells us, she knows she’s in love with Ben because, “I just feel it when he looks into my eyes, when he holds me tight, when we take a deep breath together.” (Do you all do a lot of partner breathing exercises?) Of course, Ben can’t say anything back, but that’s okay. Caila, pulling an Olivia, says she knows how Ben feels because she can “feel in his breath that he feels the same.” Again, why the breath? Of anything, I feel like air is one of the most difficult things to interpret.
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After Caila’s confession of love, Ben breathes a sigh of relief — but what does his breath say?! — because he’s decided she was awkward during their date because she wanted to tell him how she feels. So yeah, Ben entirely missed the point of that conversation. She was awkward because she loves you BUT THERE’S TWO OTHER WOMEN INVOLVED. That last part is kind of crucial. Maybe Ben should swap those breathing exercises for listening exercises, amirite?
After reading the fantasy suite card — and Caila making me the most uncomfortable with her “oh you sly fox” comment — the couple heads off to spend their first night together. Well, after they go for a swim. And by “go for a swim,” I mean that they stand in knee-deep water and make out while watching fireworks.
In this moment, Caila is seeing fireworks “in his eyes, in my heart, and in the sky.” I can’t say I’ve ever seen a firework in my own heart, but hey, a girl can dream.
Heading into the fantasy suite, Ben explains that he “could wake up in the morning and know for certain that Caila’s the woman for me.” In other words, sex is THAT important to him. If she’s anything less than an A- in the sack, odds are she’s not the woman for him.
The next morning, we check in on the couple. Caila and her perfect hair can’t stop telling Ben that she loves him, but she doesn’t mind that he can’t say it back. As she puts it, “Ben didn’t have to say any words. It was just something I felt.” Who wants to tell her that what she felt wasn’t his “love”?
NEXT: Baby turtles, love, and chafing!
Heading to his second date, Ben meets up with Lauren, who either is experiencing some serious chafing or I just never noticed the way she walks before this?
The first sign these two are meant to be? When Lauren doesn’t dump him upon first seeing those God-awful swim trunks. Hopping into a boat, the two find themselves on a beach where a kind gentleman named Mel informs them that they’re going to help release a sea turtle nest today. So if you thought those pigs were cute, prepare yourself for baby turtles!
Washing the baby sea turtles off, Lauren informs us all that sea turtles can live more than 100 years — a fact she definitely learned from Finding Nemo — and as far as she’s concerned, she hopes her relationship with Ben can last that long. (So you want it to outlive you both?)
Releasing the baby turtles into the sea, Lauren can’t help but think about how the turtles are just starting their lives at the same moment that she and Ben are really starting their journey together. (The only difference is that the turtles miraculously have a better chance at survival.)
Sitting on the beach, Lauren and Ben share the sentiment that the other is “too good” for them. Is this too good to be true? Well, according to the universe, I’m going to say yes. Because no matter what you say, I do not believe that the Bachelor witches producers have the power to create that double rainbow.
At dinner, Lauren tells Ben that he’s “legitimately” the man of her dreams. So obviously she says yes to the fantasy suite. After all, if there’s one thing this couple needs, it’s sex time. As Lauren puts it, she’s ready to let her walls down and open up to Ben.
In the fantasy suite, Lauren finally finds the words to tell Ben that she is “completely” in love with him. And in a shocking moment — that does not elicit a proper reaction from Lauren — Ben tells her, “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while, as well.” Lauren, acting like that was the most casual thing and Ben didn’t just break a million rules, grabs her man and falls back on the couch where she — rather adorably — exclaims, “I didn’t think someone like you existed.”
The next morning, Lauren, for some reason, feels the need to tell us all that she feels “warm and fuzzy” inside. As Lauren and Ben promise each other that there will be no more holding back, Lauren says Ben is “my person.”
In that case, it’s time to wave goodbye to your person as he heads off for his date with JoJo!
NEXT: Ben loves two women
For Ben’s date with JoJo, the duo hops in a helicopter while JoJo wishes there were “more words to explain how great I feel when I’m with him.” Spoiler: Considering I’ve only ever heard the words “amazing” and “incredible” on this show, I’m going to go ahead and say that the English language is here for you if you need it, JoJo.
Landing the coveted waterfall date, JoJo and Ben can’t get over how much they’d like to get inside each other’s heads before jumping in the water. My favorite interaction:
JoJo: “Can you believe we’re here?”
It seems Ben’s able to wrap his head around the whole flying thing much easier than JoJo.
Sitting in her Amazonian bathing suit, JoJo tells Ben that she does love him, which she follows with, “It’s so weird that I just said that” — also known as the worst thing to say after you tell someone that you love them.
But when Ben digs himself an enormous hole tells her that he loves her, too, she at least has the appropriate reaction. Completely shocked, JoJo asks, “Are you allowed to say that?” No, he’s not, but Ben doesn’t care. When it comes to sweaters and love, he’s pretty ballsy.
This just in: Caila’s a goner.
Over dinner, JoJo can’t get over how her “babe” — which instantly ages their relationship by like two years — made her feel so very safe by saying those words. Now, she has “zero doubts he’ll be my husband some day.” BUT HE SAID IT TO LAUREN, TOO; SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP!
Ben voices his only hesitation when it comes to their relationship: the support of her family. (By saying “I love you,” you just made things 10 times worse if you don’t pick her. Those brothers are definitely killing you now, buddy.)
JoJo asks Ben what happened during her hometown — you know, while she was locked in a closet or something — and Ben tells her that there was a bit of tension with her brothers, which left Ben feeling like they didn’t get to know him at all. But all it takes to calm Ben is JoJo saying that she believes her family would support them if they were to end up together. Just like that, Ben’s happy, and JoJo thinks, “It feels so nice to hear you talk.” (When doesn’t he talk?)
NEXT: Caila is benched
Reveling in how amazing today was and how it was the “most incredible moment” in JoJo’s life, she jumps at the opportunity to join Ben in the fantasy suite, where they say I love you while in the privacy of their own pool.
The next morning, JoJo is feeling “100 times more confident” — apparently Ben’s confidence in the bedroom is not misplaced — and thanks Ben for giving her “so much more than I expected yesterday.” Okay, now this is just getting dirty.
After a classic moment of “you’re so cute,” “no YOU are,” Ben leaves JoJo. He has a decision to make. Not surprisingly, when Ben realizes that he couldn’t say “I love you” back to Caila, he comes to the conclusion that his decision is a simple one. (If only running down stairs were so simple. Has Ben ever looked nerdier? Am I the only one who noticed that?)
Caila, still hung up on how Ben’s “breath” told her that he loves her, too, heads to see Ben to surprise him. “I miss the man that I’m in love with,” she says as I cringe and pray for a slow death. But when she creeps up behind him and his reaction is “what the heck,” she really should’ve realized it was all over.
Making the most of the opportunity, Ben tells Caila that he’s glad she came over…so that he could dump her. He explains, “I am in love with two women here, and I just couldn’t say it back to you.”
In this moment, Caila transitions from her “bubbly” self to her “sassy” self. As Ben tells her it’s really hard to imagine saying goodbye, she’s all, “That sounds like a line.” He tries to explain that he’ll miss her, but she’s not buying it.
Walking out, Caila is thankful for the amazing journey but, for good reason, is a little thrown. After a hug, she tells Ben she really did love him before getting in the Depression Mobile…and then getting right back out.
Taking advantage of this time to get one answer, Caila wants to know when Ben realized he was going to let her go. He promises her that coming into this week he hadn’t made up his mind. It wasn’t until all three women said they loved him — way to rub that one in, buddy; we get it: Everyone loves you! — that he realized what he had to do.
Re-confirming that he REALLY WILL MISS HER, Ben gives Caila another hug before putting her back in the Depression Mobile. And you know she’s staying put this time as she buckles her seatbelt.
Caila spends a few minutes crying, a few processing what just happened, and a few wondering why she hasn’t found anyone if her “purpose in life is to love other people.” (And also to make benches feel more important than they are.)
(Unrelated: Does she think she’s hiding her face from the camera when she’s framing it like that?)
At the rose ceremony, JoJo and Lauren inform Chris Harrison that Ben said “I love you” to both of them, thereby breaking the cardinal rule not once, but twice. So while Harrison runs off to pummel Ben, JoJo says she can’t imagine Ben feeling the same way with someone else, to which I say, “Imagine it, honey!”
After Ben gives roses to his final two women, they fill the awkward time with FOUR toasts, to this week, next week, falling in love, JoJo’s boobs, etc.
And with that, we’ve made it to the final two weeks of the season! Next week, the women tell “all,” and then we’ll find out just which woman Ben loves the mostest. Until then, I’ll be researching baby turtles and the origin of Mel’s Australian accent. (Spoiler: It’s probably “Australia.”)