A trip to the Bahamas leaves one woman stranded on an island...forever?

By Samantha Highfill
February 09, 2016 at 02:12 PM EST
Credit: ABC

If you all ever doubted the power of the Bachelor producers, this week proved that not only are they willing to leave a heartbroken women standing on an island for an extended period of time to get the best possible shot, but they also control the weather. So I’m going to go ahead and take back my statement that they’re scientists and instead go with witches. (And here you thought my supernatural phase ended last week.)

The “drama” picks back up right where we left off last week: Ben pulls Olivia aside before the rose ceremony to confront her about what some of the other women told him, which is that she’s the worst not connecting with the women in the house. But Olivia pulls the “the first impression rose put a target on my back” card and claims that the women find her aggressive half the time and antisocial the other half. In other words, poor Olivia just can’t win.

After all, how’s she supposed to relate to women who are really into painting their nails and doing each other’s hair? As Olivia puts it, “I’m different. I like reading books in my room and THINKING and that’s what I do. I want to talk smart things.” Fun fact: Me Talk Smart Things One Day is a sequel to David Sedaris’ Me Talk Pretty One Day.

The bottom line is that Olivia’s confident, and the women can’t handle it. And after she sheds a few tears — which doesn’t affect Ben at all, by the way — they return to the group. And yes, Olivia still has her rose.

Emily is just as unaffected as Ben by Olivia’s tears, but Olivia’s ready to play ball. Once again wanting to “talk smart things,” Olivia proclaims that the women can, “Come at me, bro!” God I just love when smart people stoop to our level and speak so colloquially, don’t you?

Getting ready for the rose ceremony, Ben informs everyone that he enjoys and appreciates each one of them…except for the one he’s about to send home. Reminder: Lauren H., Olivia, and Amanda are all safe heading into the ceremony. Ben then hands additional roses to Caila, Lauren B., JoJo, Becca, Leah, and Emily.

That means Jennifer — a.k.a. that brunette you could never place — is going home. Apparently, her biggest fear coming into this process was leaving before Ben knew who she really was. (So who wants to break the bad news to her?)

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As for the rest of the women, they’re headed to the Bahamas, where the beds are big and the drama’s even bigger. (See what I did there?)

Chris Harrison quickly stops by the women’s suite to preface the week: There will be three dates — a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one. Leaving behind the first date card, Harrison tells the women that he hopes to see “most of you” at the next rose ceremony. WHO ARE CHRIS’ FAVORITES? I must know.

But for now, all we know is which woman Ben prefers as the one-on-one date goes to Caila. More importantly, it does NOT go to Emily, Leah, or Olivia, the only three women who’ve yet to have a one-on-one while Caila has already had a one-on-one. And you know what? Leah is pissed about it.

Taking Caila out deep-sea fishing, Ben explains that he needs more time with her because they have a bit of unfinished business. Believe it or not, having Kevin Hart and Ice Cube on their first date didn’t leave them with much time to actually talk.

So while Caila discovers that deep-sea fishing is not a good look for anyone, Leah sits at home and cries about how not getting the date is a huge slap in the face. She thinks she looks like a fool. (Of course, she can’t see that Ben and Caila are currently spending their date kissing a fish.)

As far as Leah’s concerned, she had every reason to believe she’d get a one-on-one this week. After all, Ben once told her she was beautiful. Also, ABC the universe clearly brought them together in this process. AND they only live like 10 minutes away from each other in real life, which leads me to believe that the universe didn’t bring them together as mush as Leah stalked Ben all the way to California. What do you want to bet she has a shrine to him in her closet?

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NEXT: Are you gonna cry, Caila? ARE YA?

Over dinner, Ben aims to get behind Caila’s smile. As he puts it, he’s worried “if I’m going to be able to get below the surface” because he wants to know “all the layers.” Wow, Ben, just ask her if she wants to sleep with you.

Keeping his goal — to make Caila cry — in mind, Ben begins the dinner by saying, “So you smile a lot. I’ve noticed that about you.” Good opener, dude. Somebody write that one down.

Ben explains that he wants a partner he can cry with. He needs to see that she can be vulnerable. With that in mind, he so delicately asks if she smiles through her struggles or “would you actually feel it?” Again, it’s evident that Ben’s greatest fear isn’t being unlovable but, rather, it’s ending up with a sociopath. Honestly, Caila, cry now or forever hold your peace.

Caila, rightfully, says she feels a bit put on the spot to cry at the moment. But Ben says he’s not asking for her deepest, darkest secrets. He just needs to know “are you ready or not?” Geez, Ben. I’m starting to think Ben’s list of attributes for ABC picking women this season was: “Cute, capable of feeling, caring, capable of feeling, bubbly, and also, capable of feeling. P.S. Make sure they can feel. Thanks.”

And Caila only makes things worse when she says, “Your greatest fear is being unlovable, and my greatest fear might be breaking your heart. It feels like I’m going to hurt you.” Ben’s super helpful response? If you’re scared you’re going to hurt me because you don’t think you’re ready, please tell me that. She literally just did. You’re quoting her, Ben.

But Caila somehow talks her way out of the conversation by saying she was afraid of confusing Ben. “I’m a confusing person,” she says, which is just what any guy wants to hear. Ben asks if Caila’s ready for someone, and she says yes. And when asked how she knows she’s falling in love with him, she says, “I know that I’m falling in love because I feel like I’m being understood… I feel like that’s what I want in life. I want to feel understood.”

Continuing to sweep Ben off his feet, she says, “I feel like I want you in my life. And I feel happy. This is real happiness. This is real.” It’s literally the least romantic proclamation of love I’ve ever heard, but for some reason Ben loves that Caila can be both bubbly and confusing. And with that, she gets the date rose and a kiss, despite the fact that she cannot seem to open her mouth when she kisses him.

Guys, we just witnessed the start of their relationship. And you know what? I feel like we also just witnessed the end of it.

Back at the hotel, the next date card puts Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H., and Leah on the group date, which means we can all look forward to a two-on-one date with Olivia and Emily because these witches producers love us.

As far as Emily’s concerned, she’s ready to battle. But Olivia simply thinks Emily — who’s the same age as Olivia — is young. “She’s like a bird,” Olivia says. “Like, I don’t even give a s—.” The moral? Olivia hates birds. Do NOT send her to paradise.

Next up, the group date puts the women on a boat, where Becca is convinced that they’re going to be attacked by sharks because the date card said something about being “unpredictable” and nothing says “unpredictable” like putting everyone in mortal danger.

But instead, the boat takes the women to an island full of swimming pigs! However, the more unpredictable part of this date? This line: “The unpredictability of life has CAME upon us.” Turns out, Ben likes to “talk smart,” too.

Getting off the boat, the women join Ben in feeding chicken hotdogs to the pigs. It takes about 30 seconds before this turns into a full Lord of the Flies situation. Are we surprised that PIGS like food? No. Are we surprised that they can jump like that? Yes. Props to JoJo for this one: “This is like a bar in Dallas. There’s just pigs everywhere.”

But there’s only one pig that catches the women’s attention: Ben. Okay, so he’s not really being a pig, but the other women are not a fan of watching him obsess over Lauren B. And because of that, things get uncomfortable real quick.

NEXT: The two-on-one date card arrives

Ben senses something’s off and tries to ask JoJo about it, convinced that, of all the women, she’d “get it.” But, why? Has JoJo dated multiple men at once? More importantly, how is her makeup not running?

After JoJo’s no help, Ben heads over to Leah to experience his most painful conversation yet. Asking if she wants to swim, Leah says she “was swimming.” Then, we get this:

Ben: “Do you like pigs?”

Leah: “I like pigs. I like to eat pigs.”

Wow. Now I’m hoping the pigs attack her.

Finally opening up, Leah explains that she’s mad that he gave Caila another one-on-one date before she got her first. She then enlightens Ben by telling him, “I’m human, you know?” And amazingly, Ben gets that she’s human. Heck, he’s probably known that for some time now.

Asking Leah to make the most of their time together now, he gives her a hug and then runs off while she keeps brooding about how he has yet to really get to know her.

Meanwhile, at the hotel, Emily calls Haley to rub it in her face that she’s in the Bahamas before updating her on the two-on-one situation. Haley then informs her twin that she’s not allowed to come home unless it’s on a hometown date. (Conspiracy theory: Haley’s taken over the “twinning” business on her own and doesn’t want Emily to come home ever.)

Getting back to the tale of the group date from hell, Ben heads into the evening portion of the day determined to make all of the women feel appreciated.

First up, he asks Becca about her being standoffish on the date, and she immediately attributes it to his “obvious connection” with Lauren B. But she knows that Ben’s not doing anything wrong; it’s just the situation they’re in. So to say he’s sorry, Ben gives her a kiss (and a knee to the stomach?). Why are they sitting like that?

Next up, Ben clears the air with Amanda by telling her not to doubt his feelings and asking her to “stay that girl” that he’s very, very into. In other words, he does NOT want to see her many layers, and if her personality changes at all, she’s gone.

I’m sorry, but we have to pause here to appreciate the drama that is the two-on-one date card. It reads, “Two women. One rose. One stays. One goes.” So suspenseful, right? Spoiler: Sometimes both women go! Sorry to ruin your rhyme, Chris Harrison.

But the good news is that Olivia seems to have discovered that she and Emily are the same age, and yet, Olivia thinks she’s going to “feel like her mom tomorrow, like babysitting my daughter.” To that I say: WHYYY?

NEXT: Leah makes a stupid bold move

Back on the group date, Lauren B. is feeling confident…until Leah finally gets her chance to talk to Ben. Remember how Ben asked that they make the most of her time together? Well, Leah heard “why don’t you spend all your time trash-talking other women and make yourself look worse.” And so she does.

But if you thought Leah was going to bad mouth someone legitimate, like, I don’t know, Olivia, you were wrong! Instead, she’s going to go after Lauren B., a.k.a. Ben’s one true love, a.k.a. a nice person from what we’ve seen.

Leah claims that Lauren B. is “different in the house” than she is with Ben. Oh sorry, she claims “the one person you have the strongest connection with” is different. See, Leah doesn’t believe in saying names. Well, she didn’t until 10 seconds ago. Now, she’s all about it. She’s talking about Lauren B., Ben. LAUREN B. Got it?

Of course, Lauren B. is the one to interrupt their conversation, after which Ben confronts her about what he was just told. Caught off guard, Lauren B. feels like “I would never use my time with Ben to talk about someone else.” And that, my friend, is why you’re winning.

Heading back to the women, Lauren B. is clearly upset, which prompts Leah to say, “Your name was brought up? Well, I didn’t say anything.” Nobody said you did, Leah. Honestly, this woman never would’ve survived The Departed.

When it comes time to hand out the date rose, Ben gives it to Amanda because she continues to be the sweet person they all know and love. Seriously, DO NOT CHANGE, AMANDA. He means it.

And as soon as Leah sees the rose go to someone else, she decides to do something “more extreme” because that always works out so well. (Further proof Leah has never seen this show.)

So while Amanda scratches Emily’s arm and consoles Lauren B., Leah sneaks out to Ben’s hotel room to once again not take advantage of seeing Ben or BEING IN A HOTEL ROOM. Instead, she opens up with a little “how are you?” which Ben claims is a “good question,” so, you know, somebody went to journalism school.

From there, she continues to talk about how she doesn’t want to say bad things about Lauren B. all while saying bad things about Lauren B. And with every word she says, you can see Ben checking out, up until the moment he decides to send Leah home.

Why do people keep saying “I literally did not see that coming”? Are you a psychic? Obviously you didn’t literally see that coming. Maybe now that Leah’s going home she can work on honing those psychic skills.

The next day, Ben’s praying for some light in what feels like a lot of darkness, but that’s before he wakes up to a literal storm, But don’t worry, Ben! Those producers are going to do everything they can to get you that light, even if it means risking your life and the lives of Olivia and Emily!

Heading out to the two-on-one, both women come armed with some killer cleavage, but it’s Olivia who’s feeling more confident. As Ben arrives on a boat to pick up the women, Olivia shows her true colors by proclaiming that it’s a “perfect day,” to which Ben responds, “Is it?”

Perhaps Olivia is the witch who created this storm?

NEXT: Welcome to Rejection Island

After surviving a boat ride that could’ve very easily been their last, Ben, Olivia, and Emily eventually make it to a private island, where it seems the producers could only supply them with one bottle of wine because all of their glasses are about one-sixth full.

First up, Ben steals Olivia away to discuss their “all-consuming, ever-present, constantly growing kind of love.” She explains that being an introvert has kept her from making friends in the house, but it’s okay because she loves herself. “I’m very in tune with my body,” she tells him out of nowhere.

But she’s not just good in bed! She also likes “news and politics and religion.” As she puts it, “Deep intellectual things are just my jam.” You know, I believe it was Socrates who first said that.

Launching into the next portion of her speech, Olivia tells Ben that she is, in fact, in love with him. She then can’t get over how well their “conversation” went. (Should someone tell her that a conversation usually involves more than one person speaking?)

With Emily’s turn, she tells Ben that she wants this date to mark the beginning of their journey. She wants to be here and has so much left to experience and she just wants him to experience this experience with her. Who knows? Maybe it will be an “incredible” experience, amirite?

Emily doesn’t get a kiss, but she does get Ben playing with her hair as he tells her that he likes this “new side” to her that came out after Haley left.

Grabbing the rose, Ben takes Olivia on a walk to the wettest part of the island, where he rejects her while the ocean literally slaps her in the face. Ben explains that he needs to be as honest with her as she’s been with him, which means admitting that he can’t reciprocate her feelings. Saying goodbye, Ben leaves Olivia with a hug, heading back to the slightly nicer side of the island to give the rose to Emily.

But because a broken heart isn’t enough punishment, Ben and Emily then board the boat and leave Olivia standing alone on the island. And she was never heard from again.

I’m kidding. Except with that wind, her mic is probably long gone, so the producers probably can’t hear her anymore.

The next day, it’s cocktail party time, but Ben’s not feeling up for it. Instead, Ben’s skipping the cocktail party and heading straight to the rose ceremony before these women can confuse him even more than they already have.

Caila, Emily, and Amanda are already safe. Ben then gives roses to Becca, JoJo, and Lauren B., which means we’re officially down to one Lauren as Lauren H. goes home. (Can we talk about how scared Ben must’ve been to say the wrong last-name initial? He really enunciated that “B.”)

After Ben walks Lauren H. out, which ends with him saying nothing worthwhile and simply hugging her, we get a glimpse inside the Depression Mobile, where Lauren H. is all “why is it so hard to fall in love” and blah.

Okay, this is where our journey temporarily ends. If you all need me, I’ll be googling where I can swim with pigs when I’m not talking smart things.

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ABC's "The Bachelor" - Season 22

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