Ben finally chooses a twin, and Becca proves that she's capable of feeling
Credit: Ronda Churchill/ABC
4. Season 5 (Jesse Palmer)

By this point, I hope you’ve all recovered from the second-most embarrassing thing to ever happen to soccer — the first being Zidane’s head-butt, which was actually kind of impressive — because this week, there’s more where that came from! Thankfully, this time, it isn’t directed at any one thing in particular, except maybe women? #feminism

We kick things off at the mansion, where the women are discussing politics, foreign affairs, and their five-fold plans to better the world. Just kidding, they’re far too exhausted for any of that. Instead, their fascinating observations include statements like, “There are not a lot of us.” So, Lauren H. is good at math. Good to know.

Waiting for a date card, the women are a bit disappointed when Chris Harrison walks in. But Chris comes bearing good news: It’s time for the ladies to join Ben in the “marriage capital of the world,” which just so happens to also be the STD capital of the world: Las Vegas!

The women have one hour to pack and catch their flight because Ben’s already there. (Did they make him drive to save money?) Regardless, Ben’s so excited to be in this place where people really do get married and really do find love…just not at the same time.

By the time the women arrive, Ben’s already running the town, writing them a message on a hotel sign. The real twist? JoJo think Ben’s message to MULTIPLE WOMEN is “so romantic.” Really, it’s the equivalent of him copy and pasting a message to all of you, but fine. Maybe she’s already drunk.

Arriving at their fancy Vegas suite, Leah feels like a baller — doesn’t she always? — and can’t get over how, if it weren’t for Ben, they wouldn’t be staying somewhere so nice. Sorry ABC, Ben gets the credit on this one. (Now I get why they made him drive.)

Finally getting this week’s first date card, JoJo gets a one-on-one date in Vegas. As for Olivia, well, she is “zen with Ben,” so let your imagination run wild with that one.

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Let’s take a brief break here to talk about how the twins take their identity a little too seriously. Yes, sharing is caring, but you all don’t have to share everything. You can each walk on your own treadmill. You can also choose not to work out in jean shorts if you want. YOU HAVE RIGHTS.

My favorite part of this entire thing is them talking about how they have the same job. Your job is literally to be a twin. Also, this workout is doing nothing for you.

Back at the suite, Ben arrives to pick up JoJo, after which they continue their Roof Tour of America. While they wait for their helicopter to arrive, they enjoy some champagne…until the helicopter does arrive and blows over their table, shattering their glasses and endangering their lives outfits. (Yep, the producers definitely heard Leah give Ben credit for their room, and they’re NOT happy about it.)

And yet somehow, it’s Olivia who walks away scarred from what just happened, mostly because she and her confidence can’t handle it when Ben and JoJo start kissing. I guess she’s off to her room to once again get “zen with Ben.”

As for the rest of Ben’s day with JoJo, I hope you weren’t interested, because all we see is them making out in the helicopter briefly. (Fun fact: Unlike Lauren B., JoJo knows to MOVE the headsets before going in for the kiss.)

Back at the suite, the next date card arrives for Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B., Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H., Jennifer, Rachel, and Olivia, which means Becca gets the next one-on-one. (Olivia’s still not happy.)

Transitioning from day to night, JoJo gets ready to let her guard down with Ben. Despite her “excitement nerves,” JoJo somehow manages to discuss her last relationship and her trust issues. Ben asks if her previous boyfriend cheated on her, to which she says, “I wasn’t the only person involved in his life.” So…YES.

But Ben doesn’t want JoJo to hold back — because it’s not as if Ben has multiple women in his life. And yet, JoJo thinks she’s ready. With that, they head to roof No. 3 for some fireworks. Of course, the women back at the hotel suite can also see the fireworks, which makes Olivia feel like she’s being cheated on and she can’t stand that…for her sanity (which is still intact?).

RELATED VIDEO: The Most Dramatic Bachelor Recap Ever Episode 4

NEXT: Literally no one is talented

The next day, the group date takes the ladies to meet Terry Fator, who makes a living as a ventriloquist/comedian/multi-talented dude. And because Ben doesn’t want any of the women to take themselves too seriously, he’s going to force them to go on stage in front of 1,200 people and open for Terry Fator’s show that night. Because that’s not cruel or anything.

Sadly, when Terry asks the group “who has a special talent,” no one takes the opportunity to say something funny. Instead, the ladies start searching for something, anything, they can do.

For the twins, they thank their mother for years of Irish dancing classes. Naturally, Jubilee plays the cello — another one of her very complicated layers — and then there’s Lauren H., whose talent is wearing a chicken suit. (What would the chicken enthusiast think?)

As for Olivia, well, she keeps walking around saying she has a surprise planned, which really just means she’s going to take off her clothes and attempt to shimmy. I sincerely hope these audience members didn’t pay too much money to see this show.

With showtime fast approaching, Olivia is backstage preening her feathers. She’s ready to go after her man. How can she not? When she’s with him, it’s like “bam, sha-bam!” I mean, that’s the kind of stuff Nicholas Sparks writes about. I’m pretty sure he’s used those exact “words” at some point.

Before heading out on stage, the twins mention they’re used to large crowds, and suddenly I’m filled with so many questions about what it means for their occupation to be “twin” in Las Vegas.

The twins head out first for their dance; then Jubilee follows on the cello. Lauren B. decides to juggle while Amanda hula hoops, Caila hula dances, and Rachel makes balloon animals? Why did we cut away from that?!

Lauren H. humiliates herself with a Bachelor-themed “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” in her chicken suit. And then there’s Leah and a pogo stick. Again, why are we skipping over these?

Finally, after Jennifer hits some tennis balls, Olivia takes the stage to once and for all put an end to the murmurs: She’s most definitely not Tina Carlyle from The Mask. For one thing, Tina wouldn’t delicately open a cake. She’d bust out of the top. I mean, whatever happened to go hard or go home?

Overall, Olivia’s routine teaches us many lessons, one of which is that the girls aren’t the only ones who don’t like her. On her list of enemies are: rhythm, the cape she’s currently wearing, kicking, shimmying, and just generally knowing when to stop.

I think Lauren B. puts it best when she describes Olivia’s performance as “cringe-worthy.” And you know something’s bad when even Olivia realizes that she’s not the greatest thing in all the land. Backstage, Olivia has a “panic attack” over the fact that she thinks she humiliated Ben. After all, Olivia’s here to be marriage material, and as she says, “I don’t think I screamed marriage material.” (Well, you screamed something.)

Eventually, Olivia pulls herself back together — or as “together” as she’s ever been — before the ladies reconvene for the evening portion of their date. One quick question: What was Amber’s talent?!

The first to get some time with Ben is Caila, who goes straight in for the kiss. According to Ben, that makes her a “sex panther.” Sure.

But it’s Olivia — whose hair seems like it’s growing exponentially faster than everyone else’s — who needs to talk to Ben. Although at the moment, Lauren H. is getting to know “little Ben.” Sadly, that stands for the puppet that she stole from Terry Fator, who’s now suing the show. But it does give us this gem: “Little Ben is way bigger than I would’ve expected.”

Once Ben — and little Ben — return from sharing his first chemistry-less kiss with Lauren H., Olivia pulls him aside to tell him about how super embarrassed she is about what she did today. Ben has no idea why she’s so mortified, but he doesn’t get the time to figure it out before one of the twins interrupts.

Walking away, Olivia thinks the interruption was “funkadelic, for sure.” (What does she think “funkadelic” means?)

NEXT: Olivia still really needs to talk to Ben

So while Olivia bites her fingers, Ben catches up with Lauren B., who missed him SO MUCH. Apparently, that whole hot-tub-in-the-middle-of-nowhere thing really won her over, so much so that Lauren’s currently having trouble processing all of her feelings for Ben, but he comforts her by agreeing it was “the greatest first date.” For Lauren, she just can’t get over that it could be her last first date ever, to which I say: He’s already had other “first dates” since then.

After leaving Lauren B. feeling reassured, Ben is talking to Emily when Olivia decides that the second twin has to pay for the first one interrupting her, so Olivia steals him away. Hey, don’t judge her. What’s she supposed to do when she “400 percent” needs to see him again?? Talk about life or death.

Olivia tells Ben that what she did today “was not me.” Also, their first conversation wasn’t her either. She says something about Ben feeling guilty, but that’s about where I fell off this conversation. Much like Ben, I’m confused, and I don’t blame him for kissing her to shut her up.

But because a kiss is really all she wanted, Olivia walks away so happy with their “amazing conversation.” At this point, she says getting the date rose would be “wowee.”

And yet, Ben hands the rose to Lauren B. Sorry your brain hurts, Liv!

The next day, Becca’s date begins with a package delivery: A wedding dress because this show is determined to prove it doesn’t force people to move too quickly. As one of the twins puts it, “I would love to marry Ben on my first one-on-one date.”

So while Becca gets changed, Jubilee talks about her virginity. As she sees it, “If she hasn’t lost it in 26 years, I doubt it’s going to happen in six hours.” Especially if she’s in that full-length gown, amirite?

Once Becca gets picked up — by Elvis in a pink convertible, mind you — she’s taken to the Little White Wedding Chapel, where many a sacred union has been formed.

Inside, Ben is ready to get down on one knee and ask Becca, “Will you marry other people with me today?” And here you thought this date was going to be awkward! Instead of getting married, a newly ordained Ben is going to marry strangers while Becca — who has zero credentials to her name — stands awkwardly next to him wearing a bohemian dress.

I’ll just leave this right here: “When Ben went down on one knee, that’s when I really started to panic.”

From there, Becca and Ben spend the rest of their day marrying at least six couples. By the end of it, Ben’s so comfortable, he’s doing the Tiger Woods fist pump and most certainly ruining a few people’s big days.

Meanwhile, I’m wondering how many women reconsidered their choice when they saw that Ben was more attractive than their future husband.

For the evening part of their date, Ben completely abandons the theme of the day and heads to some neon-sign museum. Wedding chapel to dignified junkyard seems like a perfectly smooth transition, if you ask me.

However, in all seriousness, I’m obsessed with this place and want to go (just maybe not on a date). Sitting down, Ben really just wants answers to a few questions he has about Becca: “Can she love? Can she feel?” Yeah, I’d say figuring out whether she’s a sociopath should be at the top of his list.

NEXT: The verdict on Becca’s sociopathy…

Becca quickly explains that, this time around, she’s allowing herself to care more than she did with Chris. As Ben reinforces, “I want you to feel.” He needs to know she’s ready to feel. CAN YOU FEEL, BECCA? Man, Ben is really stuck on this sociopathy thing.

Jumping right into the virginity talk, Ben asks if his lack of virginity is a problem for her. Basically, no. Is her virginity a problem for Ben? No. As he sees it, she’s “pretty good at making commitments.” Translation: If she can keep her legs closed for 26 years, committing to marriage is no big deal.

And here’s where things get really… Well, I have no words. But don’t worry! Ben has plenty of words. So much so that he wrote Becca some vows of his own because that’s not way too much for a first date. Ben vows to “always look you in the eyes as we talk, to smile when it’s appropriate, to laugh when things get awkward, to be honest and open and try to take you on the coolest dates possible.”

(The moment he promised eye contact and used “coolest” in a vow is the moment he lost any right to writing his actual wedding vows.)

As for Becca, she vows “to always tell you you’re great, to make sure you know that I’m in this, to always express how I’m feeling when I’m feeling it.” (But what about when he’s not great? I feel like she’s going to want to amend those.)

But for now, Becca’s vows earn her a kiss and a date rose. And because I love you all, I counted how many times during this evening portion of the date that they said some variation of “feel” or “feeling.” The answer: 14. I think it’s safe to say that Becca has feelings.

However, we’re not done with dates just yet. Chris Harrison pops by the ladies’ suite, yells at the women to wake up, and then informs the twins that they’re getting an early hometown date that’s really a two-on-one that’s not actually a date at all.

Basically, Ben’s decided it’s time to de-twin the situation, so he’s taking the girls home — where they live with their mother — so that their mother can help him decide.

Stopping by their house, the twins introduce Ben to their matching dogs before showing him their totally groovy bedrooms, filled with pictures of ex-boyfriends, stuffed animals, and all the red flags you could think of.

Haley gets her Ben time first, which she uses to ask Ben to treat them as individuals, something she’ll later regret. Because when Emily’s turn rolls around, she gets in a bit of handholding, combined with her telling Ben that from what her sister has told her, she — Emily — has the stronger connection with him. Wow. So much for Twins over Bens.

After mom tries to vouch for Haley a bit, saying Emily’s more dominant but once Haley feels comfortable, she’s 1,000 percent in, Ben makes his decision…IN FRONT OF MOM.

I get that mom is there to be a support system, but you don’t have to dump Haley in front of her. You also don’t need to dump her in front of ANYONE, for that matter. But Ben does.

Just like that, Emily stays with Ben, and Haley heads back to her bedroom to rearrange those photos of her ex she just hid. (Question: Does their occupation now change to “sad twins”?)

NEXT: What happens at the cocktail party…

‘Tis time for the cocktail party! As Ben walks in, someone says, “There’s our boyfriend,” because that’s healthy.

But it’s also not untrue, and with that in mind, Jennifer steals Ben away before Olivia even has the chance! (She then follows that steal by having nothing to say, but it’s fine. She gets points.)

Also, can we talk about how Emily’s “there goes Olivia again” is definitely from the group date earlier in the ep? She’s in a different color dress now, producers. Come on. You’re better than this.

Moments later, Olivia interrupts Ben just as he asks Jennifer why she thinks she’s single. In other words, they’d just gotten to the good stuff!

Whisking Ben away, Olivia has finally discovered her talent: Eating cake. (Because no one else can do that.)

She then tells him that she’s not sure “what planet” she was on this week, but she’s back to being confident in what they have. Ben tells her to shut up stop apologizing for being awkward. He finds it endearing, cute even. She then tells him that she’s falling for him, which he responds to by grabbing her hands and smiling. And you know Olivia heard that message “loud and clear.” They practically just set a wedding date.

So while Olivia tells JoJo all about how she’s falling for Ben, Jubilee finally gets a bit of reassurance from Ben. Not only does he like complicated women, but he’s kind of into her whole awkward thing. And it’s a good thing because she just sort of tried to put him in a headlock?

As Harrison approaches to pull Ben away, Olivia realizes that, at this moment, “he’s starting to make choices.” You know, because he literally hasn’t been doing that since night one.

At the rose ceremony, Amber worries about her heart being “like, broken” as the girls line up on a plate of glass in the middle of a pool. In an ideal world, the losers would be dropped into the pool at the end, but apparently, Vegas is not an ideal world.

With Becca, JoJo, and Lauren B. already holding roses, Ben hands additional roses to Amanda, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, Caila, Jennifer, Leah, and finally, Olivia, who thinks their love is like one of the romance novels she reads because “that would be gigantor for me.” So we can add “gigantor” to the list of words Olivia doesn’t understand.

That means Amber and Rachel are hitting the road, and Amber, for one, isn’t going to hit the road in heels.

And much like Amber, I’m kicking off my heels and bidding you all farewell. (Spoiler: I’ve been in my slippers this entire time.) While I spend the rest of my week trying to figure out what exactly the twins do for a living and why they’re used to large crowds, I will leave you all with this quote from Ben, as he plays “the cookie game” with Caila: “Is it in your mouth already?”

Goodnight, everybody!

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