'The Bachelor' recap: Barenaked Lady
The second half of The Bachelor‘s two-night special had a lot to get through, including four hometown dates. There was rapping, baby-making, nude modeling, and in Becca’s case, well, nothing really (aside from a sister who knows way too much about her sister’s sex life, or lack thereof).
But we’ll get to that in a moment, because we still have one more date left in Des Moines, and as we know, it’s Becca’s.
At this point, Chris is well aware that Becca likes to take things slow—how slow is another question entirely—so he decides to basically not plan a date? According to Chris, because they’re not in Italy or Belgium—of all places—but rather in Iowa, the most exciting thing to do is sit on a couch and talk about life before heading up to the roof to watch the sunset. It’s almost like he wants people to think that there’s nothing to do in Iowa…
Also, does this entire date last an hour or are the producers not showing us anything… again? Although, last time all we apparently missed was an overzealous donkey, and there’s no way something half that exciting happened in this loft.
On the couch, Becca tells him that she’s never been in love with anyone before winning me over by saying that if he proposed right now, she’d say no. I mean, who is she? A sane person?! But with that in mind, she is ready for him to meet her family. And that’s literally their entire date, plus a sunset. So, you two in love yet?
Back at the hotel, Britt informs the ladies that she has packed her stuff and that she’s planning on leaving before the rose ceremony. Jade doesn’t understand how one rose could have changed her mind, but Britt feels that this rose was more important because it came right after she admitted to wanting to be Chris’ wife. It’s not the craziest thing that’s happened this season, but it seems that Britt’s magic potion has dried up, because the women are over it. Carly decides she’s lying, and Whitney’s just happy to learn that looks aren’t everything.
But here’s where things get interesting: Britt is planning on talking to Chris at the cocktail party… until Chris Harrison informs them that there won’t be a cocktail party. So instead, Britt is forced to pull Chris aside at the rose ceremony (where the dresses keep getting shorter). So while the women all but join hands and hex Britt, she apologizes to Chris for her actions on the group date, but Chris is more worried about whether he can trust her. He brings up the fact that other women have mentioned her lies, and Britt immediately assumes he’s talking about Carly.
But as far as Chris is concerned, he’d rather have someone like Carly, who’s looking out for him, than someone like Britt, who reacted the way she did the other night. That’s not what this farmer considers wifey material. With that, he walks Britt out, and Carly practically jumps for joy when she hears Britt crying outside. But you can’t say that karma doesn’t have a place on this show, because just as Carly cheers for Britt’s demise, her time on the show also comes to an end.
NEXT: Let the hometowns begin!
At the rose ceremony, Chris hands out roses to Whitney, Becca, and Jade—Kaitlyn already has one—leaving Carly to rival Britt’s breakdown by saying that it’s hard to imagine that love’s real at all. Okay, that’s enough, Carly. Pull it together. Just remember: WWYLGD? What would your love guru do? (And then do the opposite.)
So with Carly and Britt gone, it’s time for hometown dates.
Shreveport, Louisiana: Becca
We start things off with Becca, who welcomes Chris to Louisiana by threatening his life and informing him that if they see an alligator, it’s his job as the man to “handle” the situation. Thankfully—or not—it never comes to that. So instead, Becca decides to scare him with her words: He’s the first man she’s ever brought home. After a brief freakout, poor Chris is hoping that he can “eloquently explain” his feelings to her family, while the rest of the nation is just hoping that he can eloquently explain anything.
At her family’s house, they are greeted with dogs and babies and an overwhelming sense of “why is Becca touching a man?” Talking with Becca’s sister, Chris finds out that Becca is “not an intimate person, by any means.” She doesn’t like public—or personal—displays of affection and has never had the urge to be close to a man before. Honestly, sis. Shut up. By the end of this conversation, he’s going to think she’s gay.
But Becca’s mom offers more of the same, plus a threat not to mess with her kids. She reinforces the idea that Becca’s never had a serious relationship—Becca really should’ve prepped her family—before telling Chris not to break her daughter’s heart. She asks him to “be tender.” And no, I’m not going to make a totally inappropriate virgin joke right here.
Talking to her sister, Becca tells her that she’s decided to save her virginity secret for the fantasy suite—because what better time to tell a man that you’ve never had sex until minutes before he thinks he’s getting laid, right? And considering that Becca’s sister still thinks that Becca holding a man’s hand is gross, she agrees that it’s the right move.
So for now, Becca holds on to her secret, and tonight, Chris is the one with the surprise: He takes her to the ferris wheel at the State Fair so that they can kiss and Becca can realize that, “I think this feeling that I’m feeling is the feeling where that starts to happen.” Translation: She’s falling for him (and hopefully planning to get their kids speech lessons).
NEXT: Let’s make a baby!
Chicago, Illinois: Whitney
Out in the Midwest, Whitney is much more confident in her feelings for Chris than Becca… or at least, she can articulate them. But she’s saving the big speech until the end of the date. First things first, she takes him on a tour of her life, which starts with them changing into scrubs and making some babies. Chris, for one, is excited to see INSIDE Whitney’s career. He said it; not me.
After taking Chris to “the man room,” where they gather male specimen—and the Bachelor producers miss a real opportunity to have Jade’s Playboy sitting on the table—Chris informs Whitney that he’s confident that his “soldiers are marching.” Luckily, she doesn’t feel the need to test his theory, and instead, they go meet her family. But before they get to her family, Chris does one thing he didn’t do with the other women—or that we didn’t see: He asks whom he should ask for their blessing. She tells him her sister is probably best.
Inside, Chris bonds with Whitney’s uncle while Whitney all but begs her sister not to mess things up for her. But Whitney’s sister doesn’t feel like it’s her job to approve of the relationship, and quite frankly, she can’t give someone her blessing until she knows that Whitney’s the only one left.
So when Chris goes to talk to her sister, she doesn’t give him her blessing. It’s not that she says no so much as she says “Call me when Whitney’s the only one left.” Whitney’s bummed, but she has just the thing to save the date: Some really old Napa Valley wine that she bought a long time ago telling herself that she’d share it with the man she knew she was going to marry. And she’s ready to share it with Chris telling him, “I have absolutely fallen in love with you.”
In other words, if Chris doesn’t choose her, he now owes her a very expensive bottle of wine.
Phoenix, Arizona: Kaitlyn
Because it’s winter in Canada, Chris is traveling to Kaitlyn’s family’s second home in Arizona, where he meets up with her in a dirty alley … that leads to a recording studio. Apparently, watching Chris rap is a turn-on for Kaitlyn. So essentially, he needs to marry her ASAP, because if she loves listening to him try to talk, she’s golden.
Chris then heads over to meet her family, where we watch Kaitlyn convince her mother that she sees huge potential with this guy who is “so lovable.” But seriously, why didn’t we see Chris talk to anyone? What questions did her dad and step-dad ask? I know Canadians are nice, but this was our greatest chance for a cultural clash of sorts. Did they talk hockey? Corn? Did Chris say “eh”? I need to know!
But I never will. Instead, Kaitlyn takes Chris away from her family to give him a surprise: A huge billboard that reads Kaitlyn [heart] Chris. So I guess that’s her way of saying those three words? Well, considering that this is the same man who wrote Andi a message using a plane last year, Chris eats it up.
NEXT: This one time… at Playboy
Gering, Nebraska: Jade
Chris walks right in to meet Jade’s family and practically gets smacked in the face with how little he knows about her. Talking to her father, Chris mentions Jade’s small town values, and Jade’s poor father tries to delicately word, “You know nothing about my daughter,” by saying that she needs to “be able to live free but loved.” Basically, my daughter posed nude for Playboy. Welcome to the family.
But we’ll get there in a minute. First, we have to give props to Jade’s brothers for calling her a “wild mustang,” and desperately trying to help Chris out. Of course, Chris doesn’t really get the hint, but he does think that Jade’s a “hot mustang,” so at least he finds her attractive? I don’t know. I’ve got nothing to help this guy at this point.
So while Chris (very poorly) plays a game of password with her brothers, Jade tells her father that she still has a lot that she needs to share with Chris. Her poor father starts crying trying to convince his daughter that she deserves someone who doesn’t put her down for being her (very naked) self. And with that, it’s time to tell the farmer the truth.
Back at the hotel, Jade finally tells Chris that there was a “liberating” time in her life when she didn’t say no to much of anything. She then decides to not only tell Chris about Playboy but to actually show him the photos … and a video. Just for future reference: If a guy doesn’t jump at the opportunity to see naked photos, he does not want to see them.
But it turns out that years on the farm have made Chris quite the zen human being: He doesn’t let the photos bother him. In what might be his most articulate moment so far, he tells Jade that he knows her for who she is now and promises that he’s not going to judge her for something she did in her past. Sweet, right? Well, hold that thought.
At the rose ceremony, Chris gives roses to Whitney, Kaitlyn, and Becca, leaving Jade out in the cold. In the season’s most emotional goodbye for the Bachelor, he takes her aside and tells her that his other relationships are moving faster, and that’s the sole reason he’s sending her home. He reassures her that his decision had nothing to do with seeing her “out of her shell” the other night, and you know what? I’m impressed with Chris in this moment. He seems very genuinely upset watching Jade go (and probably only 20 percent of that is because he knows how good she looks naked).
Alright, that’s the end of our double-duty week. I’ll see you guys next Monday after I spend the rest of the week trying not to Google Jade’s Playboy shoot. Spoiler: I’ll probably fail.
This romantic reality competition series follows a gaggle of women vying for the Bachelor’s heart — and a wedding proposal. Will you accept this rose?