Chris and Carly learn a thing or two about intimacy, and Kelsey steps forward as the craziest of them all.

By Samantha Highfill
March 13, 2015 at 07:31 PM EDT

So basically what we just learned is that the Ashleys of the season were nothing but a distraction, a ploy by the producers to distract us from the real crazy, when in fact, this season is not about onions, serial killers, and virgins. Nope, what this season is really about is women who don’t shower, fake panic attacks, and uncomfortable sob stories?! Let’s just say that if the producers’ plan was to compensate for a particularly bland Bachelor by supplying an over-the-top pack of crazies, well, it worked!

This week takes the women to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Or as you might know it: The perfect place to fall in love. Whatever, as far as Megan’s concerned, it’s the place where everyone wears sombreros because Mexico and New Mexico are basically the same thing, right? Guys, give her a break—this is her first time out of the country.

With Chris declaring that he’s past the “get to know you” stage with these women and ready to move on to the “chemistry stage,” the first date card arrives. And the first one-on-one of the week goes to Carly, whose card says, “Let’s come together…” I would’ve PAID to see Ashley I.’s face if that had been her card. (You know why.)

So what’s in store for these two? Well first, Chris has to rudely interrupt a woman’s meditation, after which we find out that Chris and Carly will be spending their first date being overanalyzed by a love guru named Tziporah Kingsbury. So just to remind you, the scale of “appropriate first date ideas” on this show range from shopping at Costco to dry humping.

Ms. Kingsbury, a “love and intimacy mentor,” promises to take the couple through various processes to inject “more juiciness” into their non-existent, currently juice-less relationship. Both dressed in white, Carly and Chris very uncomfortably make their way into Tziporah’s grasp, where she makes them hum, hump, and everything in between. Specifically, one of their first activities involves Carly blindfolding Chris and feeding him fruits dipped in chocolate. In other words, our favorite game of “The you have to pick which of the five senses it is.” So wait, does this mean Megan is a love guru?

Well, one thing’s for certain: Megan was definitely better at feeding a man than Carly. She does know that the chocolate goes in his mouth, right? But I guess we should cut the poor girl a break—apparently she’s terrified of physical intimacy. In other words, the Bachelor producers are kind of assholes. (Or are they geniuses?)

So after Carly is instructed to smell and feed Chris, Farmer Boy finally realizes that they’re being instructed by less of a love guru and more of a sex guru. What tipped you off, Chris? Was it the moment Carly got into downward dog and the guru instructed you to “go between the thighs”? Right now, this show is about as subtle as a Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.

Stop. They’re now supposed to undress each other? Let’s interpret this date, shall we? So far, “unmask each other” means strip, and “the more transparent we can be with our partner, the DEEPER YOU’RE GOING TO GO” means getting naked and probably something else I don’t want to type.

At this point, Carly is practically shaking as her first date requires her to take off Chris’ pants. Sorry, it requires her to help him “remove that mask.” So did anyone tell the guru that this is a first date? Because I feel like even Tziporah has boundaries. Luckily, both Chris and Carly pause to admit their discomfort, and the guru instead asks them to talk about their masks and blah blah. Get to the part where Carly straddles Chris!

With the only rule being no kissing—Is this really Pretty Woman and is this sex guru really a pimp?—Carly straddles Chris and the two of them get a quick lesson in what is essentially dry humping. They breathe each other in, they look at each other, and when the pimp finally allows them, they make-out like two people who were just forced to stare at each other for a solid 10 minutes.

NEXT: Jade almost dies

Back at the hotel, Kelsey is telling the girls her sob story, but Ashley can’t get over the fact that there’s no actual sobbing. Could the virgin be onto something?

Possibly, but first, this week’s group date card has arrived. Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley, and Kelsey have to get prepared to “rapidly” fall in love. Spoiler: Their date will involve white water rapids, which apparently does not make Kelsey feel special. I totally get your frustration, Kels. If I wanted to feel special, I would go on a dating show and compete with 29 other women for one man, too.

So from Kelsey’s not-so-special evening to Carly’s way-too-special date, Chris and Carly have finally found their way into normal clothes. Sitting next to Chris, instead of on top of him, Carly reveals why the producers on this show are the meanest: She hasn’t been intimate with someone in a year and a half, mostly because her last boyfriend wouldn’t touch her. AND THEY DATED FOR TWO YEARS. So he’s gay, yes? We’ll never know, but what we do know is that he pretty much scarred Carly and made her feel unwanted. Now, intimacy is what she fears most. Chris’ response? Telling her she’s “cool” and “smart.” All better, yes?

Although I will give Chris points for semi-opening up with Carly, finally admitting that because of where he’s from, he sometimes feels like he’s just not good enough. Turns out, the hot farmer is secretly scared that his hot farm will scare the hot women away. But not Carly. She accepts his rose… and then, hopefully, they both go take long, hot showers.

From one mean-spirited Bachelor date to another, the producers/Chris decide to send Jade on the white water rapid date due to despite the fact that she has a condition where her body goes into hypothermia at normal temperatures. In other words, they’re so desperate for drama, they’re literally willing to kill someone. (Conspiracy theory: Maybe they put Ashley up to her murder-suicide a few weeks ago!)

Long story short, Jade falls overboard, and Chris spends the next few minutes rubbing her feet. But not in a romantic way. In a dear-god-help-this-woman-get-feeling-back-in-her-extremities way. However, that doesn’t stop Kelsey from freaking out with jealousy.

But don’t worry, what started out as a disastrous date will end on a similar note when drunkard Jordan shows up in New Mexico—she drove from Colorado—looking for a second chance at love with Chris. She knows now that she drank too much during her time on the show, and all she’s asking for is for him to hear her out. So, considering this is the second woman who has tried to talk her way back into the house this season, is there something I’m missing? The promise of unlimited corn and sex with Chris can’t be THAT good, can it? They know that a life would him would mean having to talk to him too, right?

At first, Chris brings Jordan along on the group date, but after just about every girl freaks out, he sees the error of his ways. But not until Ashley makes it known that she has always hated Jordan. Raise your hand if you wouldn’t watch a fight between the virgin and the drunk? Because I would. It’d be much more entertaining than this sort of fight between Ashley, who wants to be mean to Jordan because she can, and Whitney, who thinks mean people suck.

NEXT: Britt vs. showers

So while Chris sends Jordan home again, we check in at the hotel, where Britt gets her one-on-one date card, after which she proclaims, “I might wash my hair.” So she really doesn’t shower? I know that I should be grossed out, but I’m more pissed than anything: How does her hair look so good if it’s dirty?!

Regardless, Britt is prepared to shower—for the first time in weeks!—to make the most of her date with Chris. But when the date card reads “Sky’s the limit,” she immediately starts sobbing. Again, the producers only put women on dates they will hate, so when they heard Britt was afraid of heights, they immediately put her on this date. Their logo? Finding romance through crippling fear.

Back at the group date, Whitney gets the rose–the nice one finishes first!—before Chris calls it a night and let’s the teams form: On Team Ashley, you have Mackenzie (but I think that’s mostly because Ashley clearly gave her hair extensions), and on Team Whitney, you have… everyone else (including Mackenzie, sort of).

Enough of that. It’s Chris-Britt time! Chritt? Bris? I think I just decided they’re not allowed to date based solely on shipper name options. But for now, I’ll let it slide as he starts their date at 4:30 a.m. After sneaking into the women’s suite, he shushes Carly—chivalry is not dead, y’all—and wakes up Britt. As the mystery of Britt continues to unravel, we learn that she reportedly sleeps in make-up—that doesn’t smear? What kind of makeup doesn’t get on her pillow? Asking for a friend.

By now, I’m half-convinced that Britt is not a human, but I’ll stop dwelling on it because this moment is actually pretty cute. Chris gives her five minutes to get ready and they’re off for their… hot air balloon ride. Just like that, what seemed like a very serious fear just yesterday is no longer a big deal, because Britt all but jumps into the balloon before proclaiming that this is the best date of her life. So is she on some sort of fear-reducing, make-up-perfecting, cleanliness-inducing drug? And where can I buy it?

After the ride, Chris and Britt head back to his hotel room. Just as the women are discussing how Britt has told them that she doesn’t want kids, Britt tells Chris that she wants “like 100” of those little suckers. And then they decide to get a jump on things when they go “take a nap” in his room.

And by the time word of Britt’s “nap” gets to the rest of the women, Kelsey decides that now is her time to shine. Basically, Kelsey is not happy that the two of them decided to “delve into the wonderous land of physical affection”—who talks like that?!—and she’s not about to be sent home without Chris knowing that she’s a widow. I’m sorry, why does that matter? Oh, because you made up your husband and then fake-killed him in order to stay on the show longer?! Sorry I asked.

NEXT: The Kelsey saga

Okay, so there’s no proof that Kelsey’s story is fake, but her actions are definitely making me question it. Knocking on Chris’ hotel room door, Kelsey literally pops in to tell him her sob story and awkwardly kiss him before looking at the camera and proudly saying: “Isn’t my story amazing?! It’s tragic! But it’s amazing. I LOVE my story.” At this point, it feel like (nonexistent?) Sanderson Poe only existed to get Kelsey her first kiss with Chris, after which she kissed the bottom of his nose?

After attempting to cancel the rose ceremony because she’s decided that he’s made up his mind, Kelsey finally leaves the room, telling all of us that this might be a show about Chris, but it’s her love story too. “This is the story of somebody who’s been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship.” Everyone stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, to watch “the love story unveiled.”

Alright, I’ll admit it: Never have I been so wrong about a first impression. Thanks to Kelsey, I can honestly say I’ll never trust myself again. (Until next season.)

At the cocktail party, Ashley is jealous of Britt’s “real private time”—are you, though?—and Kelsey seems to be perfectly at ease. That is, until Chris shows up, outs his chat with Kelsey, and then gets so emotional that he has to leave the room.

Outside, Chris Squared talks about how important every moment of life is—you know, because your fictional husband could drop dead—and how he’s realized how life-changing these decisions are.

Back inside, all the women begin to realize that Kelsey’s sob story has saved her before she lets this one slip: “It means I have to say goodbye to people.” So bitch knows she’s staying?!

By the time Harrison re-enters the room, he informs the women that there will be no cocktail party tonight. Chris is ready for the rose ceremony. Let the panic begin!

At this point, Ashley has decided that Kelsey is safe because her story is “so much more traumatizing” than her own. So in case you were wondering, widow trumps virgin. (Also, why is virginity “traumatizing”?) But that doesn’t stop Kelsey from being so scared that she walks away, “collapses,” and starts having a panic attack. Did she just realize that Sanderson never existed?! TBD.

More importantly, Megan still isn’t sure why they don’t call it Old Mexico instead of New Mexico. And on that note, I’m going to skip my yoga class tonight, because downward dog has been temporarily ruined for me. Final note: If any of you figure out how I can not shower and look like Britt, let me know? Thanks.