The Bachelor recap: Like a Camping Virgin
Before we begin, I just want to update you all on the relationship of “Jillitt” or “Brillian,” if you prefer. Thanks to some deep investigative research, otherwise known as looking at Jillian’s Facebook page, I have finally discovered what they have in common: Devotions in the morning, taking walks around the mansion in New Balance shoes and bikinis, stealing Reese’s cups from the camera guys, and apparently, a love for Olive Garden. So essentially, they have more in common than any woman appears to have with Chris at this point.
Speaking of Chris, let’s continue on his journey to find
a personality love, shall we? This week, Chris Harrison kicks things off by making all the women jealous—”Obviously I talk to Chris all the time“—before announcing that there will be three dates this week. There will be two group dates, as well as a one-on-one that will be chosen by Chris’ three sisters, otherwise known as ABC’s latest ploy in trying to liven things up this season (while simultaneously taking decision-making power away from Chris). First up: date card number one!
Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey are ready to “do what feels natural.” And to the women, they immediately think that means going without makeup, because “natural” can’t have anything to do with, oh I don’t know, nature? Regardless, we know Mackenzie’s ready for it, because all things natural basically means organic, right? And once Ashley I. tattoos on some makeup and puts in her extensions, she’ll be ready, too!
The date begins with Chris and Megan behind the wheels of some hot convertibles. Somehow, Ashley I. snags the passenger seat in Chris’ car, and she’s pretty pleased with herself for it. After all, she finds driving to be sexy, which basically means every guy 16 and up has at least a small chance.
After arriving at a lake that Megan describes as “blue” and “sparkling”—her vocab grows every week—the girls quickly strip down to their bikinis for some good old “natural” time together. And in case you were wondering, yes, the lake is Mackenzie’s favorite place in the world. It’s also highly likely that her second child will be named “Algae.”
At their private lake, the ladies work on spicing things up, and for Ashley I., that means breaking out of her shyness by going topless. Kaitlyn quickly joins the fun by becoming the second woman to show Chris her bare ass, but Kelsey is having none of it. Sure, when this date was all about no makeup, Kelsey was down. But when it became about stripping in nature, Kelsey was out. “This is a date for bimbos,” she says before throwing around words like “dignity” and “self-respect” as if they have a place on this show. Regardless, Kelsey is so over this date that even nature turns against her when a bee stings her in her upper thigh. (And no cameraman, you CANNOT touch it.)
Back at the house, Jillian’s ass is not about to be upstaged by Kaitlyn’s ass as she sleeps on a float in the pool. However, she might want to wake up considering Chris’ sisters have just arrived. And if Carly’s bouncing doesn’t scare them away, I imagine they’ll have some questions.
One by one, Jackie, Laurie, and Lisa talk to the women in the house. First up, Whitney breaks their ear drums—and stupidly admits to already having a one-on-one date—while Britt informs them that she feels like the frontrunner in the house. Becca admits she’s ready to move to Iowa, Nikki still doesn’t merit me remembering her name, Jillian also talks moving, and Jade brings it home by mentioning her organic makeup company. Free samples, anyone?
Before the sisters make their decision, they have an emotional chat with Carly, who tell them that she’s never had a guy be very nice to her and all she wants is a love like her grandparents had. When talking about Chris, she says, “I want him to be like my grandpa, you know?” You know, I do, but let’s never say that out loud again. Deal?
On that note, Jade gets the date! According to the card, in its fancy gold envelope, she will be attending a royal ball from 8 p.m. until the last stroke of midnight. Also, “The prince doesn’t know you’re coming.”
NEXT: “I’m a camping virgin, and I’m also a virgin camping.”
But before we can get to the fairytale, we have to finish up our time in nature, which involves playing Red Rover, Kelsey bitching about the “dingy pond” these idiots call a lake—who knew there was such a thing as a lake snob?!—and all of the women attempting to pitch their tents. With two people to a tent, Kaitlyn and Megan are the first to master the art. Shockingly, Ashley I. and Mackenzie are a bit confused. Hey, did you forget that Ashley I. is a virgin? Because she is. Seriously. “I’m a camping virgin, and I’m also a virgin camping.” OMG, I can’t wait to watch a virgin camp, because it’s totally different than watching a normal person camp, right? Right?!
God bless the producers for pairing these two, if only to give us these interactions: “Make all the sticks straight … and then you put them in the holes,” Mackenzie says before chuckling like a 14-year-old. And seconds later, there’s this:
Mackenzie, referencing the “stick”: “How come it won’t go?”
Ashley I.: “Bend it, bend it.”
Please, someone tell the camping virgin not to apply the same logic to being a normal virgin.
Around the corner from the girls, Chris gets the largest tent—real subtle, Team Bachelor—before we return for some dinner. With Chris and Megan manning the grill—props to Megan for co-hosting this shindig without knowing how to spell shindig—the other women search around in the cooler to find a large collection of booze and, at the very bottom, a somehow unharmed rose. Cue everyone getting drunk and trying to steal time with Chris.
First up, Chris tells Kaitlyn that a back rub is the way to his heart, before Kelsey all but begs for Chris to end this date before she has to sleep in a tent. Meanwhile, Ashley I. clearly brought a makeup team with her. Ashley S. did not.
With her crazy hair and a case of the hiccups, Ashley S. decides to start singing campfire songs. And it turns out, she’s about as good at singing as she is at, you know, being sane. But just as you start to think there’s only enough room for Ashley S.’s craziness, Mackenzie brings up her first-date go-to question: Are there aliens out here? Because they’re currently in the perfect area for them to “abduct” and “probe” her. SO MANY JOKES.
With the full moon seemingly affecting everyone about as much as the whiskey they’re drinking, Ashley S. asks Chris the most important question anyone could ask a potential suitor: “What are you?” And she’s not asking his sign, because she knows he’s a Scorpio. Rather, she’s asking … wait, have you all looked at the moon? “And we’re sitting here. That’s weird to me.” What the hell is happening?!
The moment Chris tries to talk, Ashley leans in and kisses him—did we just witness an assault?—before she tells him, “At this point Chris, I like, really love you, and I love everything about you.” Honestly, what were the Bachelor producers thinking putting her out in the woods with him? This is a horror movie waiting to happen.
After divulging her feelings, she tells him, “I hope this resonates within your mind tonight.” So, did she just put a hex on him? Yes or no? She then finishes things off with, “You don’t have to say anything in regards to that,” which might as well have been this. And trust me, Chris won’t be saying a damn thing if he wants to make it through the night.
NEXT: Tent for two
With the rest of the women yelling for Chris in a collective attempt to save him, Chris returns, only to be stolen away by the other Ashley and her many layers of make-up. From an Ashley who’s in love to one who has a “freakin’ crush,” Chris once again gets sucked in … by Ashley I.’s face.
But was the make-out enough? Were the eyelashes? Nope! After all that drama, the rose goes to Kaitlyn, who wins the night with this celebration, “I feel great. This is awesome. And I’m drunk.” As for Ashley S.? She might seriously kill someone now.
However, the date is not over yet. Ashley I. saw how big that tent was, and she figures it’s big enough to hold her secret. After sneaking over and waking up poor Chris, she informs him that she’s “freakin’ innocent.” Specifically, “I’ve never had a real boyfriend before.” Basically, she wants him to know that just because she’s hot and wears fake eyelashes and nearly consumes his face whenever they make out, that doesn’t mean that she’s a whore. Inside, she’s just a nerd who’s “inexperienced in every way possible.” Chris, half-asleep, has no idea what this woman is saying, but Ashley I. just can’t bring herself to say the word “virgin.” Instead, she decides that she got her point across and now, “He can ask about it. He can like kind of probe at that area if he wants later on.” Can he though? Because I think that’s the opposite of the point you’re trying to get across.
Finally, to really bring her point home that she’s wife material and not a hookup girl, Ashley I. all but mounts Chris in his tent as they end the night with a tongue tango.
Well, I hope that was fun, because the next day, Ashley I.’s entire world comes crashing to the ground when she hears that Jade got a princess date. Did you know that Ashley I. actually describes herself as a “hopeless romantic Disney princess” in everyday life? Because she does. So why does Jade get a pink-haired fairy god mother? Why is life so unfair?!
With a three-person team ready to
promote the hell out of the new Cinderella film help Jade get ready, they turn Jade into a modern-day Cinderella. All it takes is about 15 dresses, some glassLouboutins, the Fairy Godmother’s trusty iPad (?), and of course, Neil Lane diamonds.
Also preparing for the date, Chris is practicing dancing by himself, which even I will admit is pretty adorable. Not surprisingly, Prince Farming has never been to a ball before, so he’s a bit nervous. But not as nervous as Jade should be considering they’re forcing her to walk down at least 30 stairs in her glass Louboutins. Apparently Cinderella has to earn her time with her prince.
My second confession: Chris’ face when he sees it’s Jade feels pretty genuine. Perhaps these crazy kids could actually become a couple for approximately three months or so, right? Fingers crossed!
At dinner, we learn that both Jade and Chris have been engaged before, but it was young love and stuff. Now? Chris gives Jade the rose for what was a date full of smiles, and pretty much nothing more. Although I have to give it to Jade for commenting on Chris’ arms, because I can appreciate a woman who can appreciate some nice biceps.
But Chris has one more surprise in store for the evening. (Is it a surprise if a “ball” was promised on the date card?)
So is he not going to try to squeeze her foot into that glass slipper? Because that image is what got me through this date. But alas, they go and dance instead. The good news? She can’t be worse than Andi! And if the shameless Cinderella plug hasn’t already made you ill, Jade ends the night by kissing Chris and then being forced to run down the stairs at the stroke of midnight. On behalf of women in heels everywhere, f— you, producers.
NEXT: Jillian goes on a date with Jillian
Back at the house, Ashley I. reveals her true intentions for coming on the show. Virginity shmirginity, “I just wanted a princess date!” And just in case you didn’t believe her already, she puts on the full-length gown that she brought with her for the sole purpose of going on said princess date. Instead, she’s now left to sit on the couch in her gown and eat some corn, which they apparently have an unlimited supply of this season. Kaitlyn’s winning line, “You know what’s sad is that you literally don’t have a prince.” Also, can someone inform Ashley I. that she can’t be both Cinderella and Jasmine. Pick a princess and then hurry up and tell your prince that you’re a virgin.
Tis time for date card number three, which claims that Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca are going to “get dirty.” Step 1: Putting on some wedding dresses and immediately taking Jillian out of her comfort zone. After taking a private jet to San Francisco, the ladies find out that they are competing in a mud and obstacle run, during which they will run, jump, swing, climb, and crawl in mud, with the winner getting some alone time with Chris. And if you weren’t certain enough that this date was made for Jillian, she’s the only one in a short wedding dress. I mean, really, guys? You couldn’t even give someone else a chance?
Long story short, Jillian kicks ass (even though she hasn’t lifted in four weeks!), and Carly gives up after the big balls “because then I was just offended.” Who knew mud could bring up such an ugly side of Carly? Miss Bouncy over here just made a comment about the size of Jillian’s dick, so…
With that, the losers hose off and head home while Jillian cleans up to discuss her five-year plan with Chris on a beautiful San Fran rooftop. So what’s her plan? How about she doesn’t have one because she f–king hates that question, Chris! You’re lucky she doesn’t beat you up right now!
Okay, so she doesn’t go that far, but she really does not like that question. She’d rather talk about training. Did you know her dad’s athletic? Did you know she likes weights? Did you know that she really doesn’t even need a date to have a lovely conversation? Well, now Chris does, and he sends her home because of it. Don’t worry, Jillian, I’m sure it had nothing to do with the question about whether he’d have sex with a homeless girl who talked to her own reflection or abstain from sex for five years. But seriously, what was the answer?!
(So Jillian’s gone, and all I can think is, who broke the news to Britt?!)
Now, it’s cocktail party time, where Megan quickly swoops in to play a game of “The you have to pick which of the five senses it is.” Oh, you don’t know it? It’s obviously where you blindfold someone and feed them chocolate-dipped fruit to see if they can guess what they’re eating. After all, nothing sets the mood like, “Testing his five senses by making him use three of them—taste, smell, and I don’t know the other one.” Oh, Megan. Good thing you have
big boobs nice eyes.
Still in her princess dress, Ashley I. is finally ready to clarify her late-night tent chat with Chris: “The thing is … I was actually alluding to the face that I’m a virgin,” she says, catching Chris off-guard. But overall, his reaction is great: He respects it and generally doesn’t seem too bothered. But just to prove that these two are NEVER on the same page, Ashley I. freaks out when Chris doesn’t kiss her. She’s worried that all of a sudden she’s become too innocent for him. (Yeah, I can guarantee that’s not it.)
NEXT: We lose an Ashley (and gain a virgin!)
So while Mackenzie—who suddenly got her hair and makeup done?!—helps Ashley I. attempt to calm down, Megan gives Ash these great words of wisdom about being a virgin: “In our generation, it’s so not normal.” You all know the old saying: When in doubt, make a virgin feel like a freak of nature. Well done, Megan.
And I’ll just leave this Ashley I.-related comment here sans context from my favorite potty mouth Carly: “Her mouth is not a virgin.”
But wait. Everyone be quiet, because we are about to meet another of this endangered breed and I don’t want to scare her off. *whisper screams* We have another virgin in the house! And the
mutant virgin is … Becca! Honestly, you’d think these people just discovered Bigfoot with the way they’re treating these women. I can see it now—Animal Planet’s next big series: Finding Virgins.
Away from all the virginity talk, Britt is feeling grumpy and wants answers from Chris. Making a classic Bachelor mistake, Britt listens to things she heard about a date she wasn’t on and asks Chris why he keeps giving roses to Kaitlyn after she took off her bathing suit on their date. “I just want to know why those actions and behaviors are being validated.”
In reality, Britt is just not handling this whole jealousy thing well, but Chris immediately shuts down at the question. He sees this conversation as Britt questioning his integrity and quickly walks away to tell the rest of the house that, if they question his intentions, they’re more than welcome to go home. Guys did Chris just almost emote?! We could be getting somewhere!
As for Britt, well, odds are she was probably just dealing with her many emotions surrounding losing Jillian, but luckily, her chat doesn’t do her in.
With Kaitlyn and Jade already having roses, Chris hands additional roses out to Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I., and, yes, Britt. That means we have to say farewell to Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S., who definitely just hexed him if she hadn’t already before.
Chris takes an extra moment to walk Juelia outside and explain that he didn’t want to keep her from her daughter, and she thanks him. As for Ashley S.? She admits to being a sociopath: “I feel nothing. I have no feelings.” And you know what? She’s not worried. No ma’am. Not about Ashley S. What does she need a man for? She’s her own hype woman, giving herself a few final “woos!” You tell em, Ashley. You tell all those voices in your head that you’re going to be just fine.
And that’s a wrap on one Ashley. I’ll see you guys back here next week to find out if we’ll be saying goodbye to the slightly more sane one. For now, I’m going to go pitch my Finding Virgins idea to Animal Planet. I mean, honestly, where do they hide? Tagline: They could be closer than you think!
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