It's not a party until one of the "ladies" drinks twice her weight in free champagne and hitches a ride on the crazy train right out of Juan Pablo's life

By Kristen Baldwin
Updated March 13, 2015 at 07:49 PM EDT
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Buenas dias, rose lovers! (No, I will not stop peppering this season’s recaps with Spanish phrases in a well-intentioned though possibly offensive manner.) Have you recovered from last week’s outbreak of Juan Pablo Fever? Just remember: Drink lots of fluids, take two of these, and tweet at Chris Harrison in the morning.

Before we begin this leg of Juan Pablo’s “adventure,” I need to get your input on something. If you were asked to rank the last five Bachelors from “most personality” (meaning: “I am reasonably assured there is a human being under those abs”) to “least personality” (meaning: “I’d rather hang out with a box of turkey basters”), what would your list look like? Here’s mine, from most to least:

Sean (2013) (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Rape whistle joke.)

Ben (2012) (Hey, I didn’t say it had to be a likeable personality.)

Juan Pablo (2014) (He’s living proof that earnest doesn’t have to mean boring.)

Brad (2011) (Too bad we only saw it in the blooper reel.)

Jake (2010) (I’m pretty sure suppressed homicidal rage doesn’t qualify as a personality.)

Discuss.

Anyhow, it’s week two, and it looks like Team Bachelor is doing things a little differently this time. Rather than going through the whole Harrison-delivers-the-first-date-card ritual, we’re informed via a “casual” poolside “conversation” between Kelly, Chantel, and Cassandra that hairstylist Clare will be going on the first Juan-on-Juan date — his brilliant phrase, not mine. (I’m sorry, I’m not going to be able to concentrate until someone gets Molly out of the pool. I don’t think dogs can contract herpes, but why risk it?)

Okay, time to fluff your hair, “ladies,” because Juan Pablo has arrived! And Clare’s expectations are totally managed. “I know this sounds crazy,” she says, “but this could be the first date with my future husband.” (Well, at least you know it sounds crazy.) In keeping with the crazy theme, before getting in the car Juan Pabs ties a blindfold over Clare’s eyes — as the Greek chorus of “ladies” assembled in the driveway emit an approving “OoooWEEEEEEOOOOOooooh!” shriek. So, is he driving her to a Pin the Tail on the Donkey convention? A 50 Shades of Grey-themed costume party? A dine-in-the-dark dinner party? Clare doesn’t care. All she knows is that Juan Pablo smells awesome (“like Heaven in a bottle!”) and he apparently thinks the blindfold impairs her ability to walk — which means she gets to play Bran to Juan Pabs’ Hodor.

He sets her down gently on the edge of an outdoor skating rink. Surprise, Clare! The date card said “let’s chill out” — and it turns out Juan Pablo means it literally. He and Clare will be enjoying a fun-filled evening sledding, skating, and otherwise romping amidst piles of fake snow. It’s so cold Clare can even see her breath — points for meteorological verisimilitude, Team Bachelor! (Things are markedly warmer back at Casa Bachelor — so warm, in fact, that Lucy has decided she only needs to wear half of her bikini in the hot tub. “It was only a matter of time before those boobs were going to pop out of her bathing suit,” shrugs Renee, who attributes it to Lucy’s “hippie” nature. As we all know, hippies are total whores for screen time.)

NEXT: Day-Glo! Me say Day-ay-ay-Glo!The date seems to be going well enough. Clare, naturally, decides within the first three minutes that Juan Pablo is the man of her dreams. “I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long, long time,” she gushes, as we watch Juan Pablo pull her flailing frame up from the ice. “He puts me at ease.” Hell yeah he does — especially when the duo move to the hot tub and Clare finds herself “watching this amazing body, like, slither into the spa.” Somehow she manages to control herself, though, and uses her hot tub time to give Juan Pablo the world’s weakest back massage while telling him all about her dear, departed dad.

Juan Pabs totally understands her heartbreak: “If you have a father that treated you like a princess, you want a man that treats you like a princess,” he reasons. “Clare and I have high standards on relationships… I want her to stay.” Once the rose is in her hot little hand, all of Clare’s restraint vanishes. “Come in here — come in here!” she commands Juan Pablo, before pouncing on his face. Clare and Juan Pablo end the evening pressing their bathing suited bodies together as they slow dance in the snow to this guy’s music. I’m not gonna lie — it was uncomfortable to watch.

The next day we’re back to sun and Southern California warmth for Kat’s one-on-one with Juan Pabs. The date card (delivered by that adorable fluffball Molly, much to the Accent Table of Doom’s chagrin) said “Kat, I can FEEL the electricity” — but it’s apparently not local electricity, because their first stop is the airport. Aboard the private jet — which Kat, bless her heart, thinks has enough fuel to take them to such far-flung cities as Miami or New York — Juan Pablo hands Kat a day-glo green tank top, white skirt, bright blue running shoes, and a giant flashing glow stick. She dons it all dutifully, takes her mandatory bump of ketamine, and follows Juan Pablo down a long multi-colored pathway to… the starting line for a 5k called the Electric Run in Salt Lake City.

Where better to get to know someone than in the midst of screaming, glo necklace-bedecked throngs who are all jog-walking toward a stage… where a solitary rose awaits on glowing platform? “KAT!” a hoarse Juan Pablo screams into the microphone, straining to be heard above the crowd’s shrill wall of sound. “WILL YOU ASSEPT THIS ROSE??” And we’re two-for-two.

Group daaaaaaate! The self-proclaimed “lucky 13” — Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy — are off to their “say cheese” adventure. “I would assume it’s a photo shoot? But maybe it’s eating cheese,” muses Kelly. “I’m good at both.” Man, how great would a cheese-eating date be? Or even a cheese-eating competition? (God I miss Bachelor Pad.) But no such luck — today’s outing involves posing for photos with a passel of adorable puppies for Models n Mutts, an organization that helps raise money for pooches in need. Into hair and make-up, bitches! (And you too, “ladies.”)

NEXT: This just in: Life is about straddling people… and thingsSome of the bachelorettes are styled as women — like Cassandra with her Victoria Grayson bandage dress — while others aren’t so lucky, like Lucy, who’s told to wear a flimsy fire hydrant costume, or Kelly, whose bald cap and body paint kind of make her look like a brown M&M with leprosy. But Kelly’s got it easy compared to Elise, who’s told her outfit consists of just two small white signs, and Andi, whose outfit only consists of one. (It reads, “ADOPT.”) Unfortunately for Andi, Elise is a quick thinker and she gets to Lucy first. Guess who’s ready to swap outfits? “I was happy to take off my top, as always,” explains Lucy. To drive her point home, she also agrees to walk a big black pooch named Electra down Santa Monica Boulevard while wearing nothing but a thong. Honk if you feel an ache in your soul that you just can’t explain!

Meanwhile, Juan Pablo is having a great time with the “ladies” in the studio, reenacting Lady and the Tramp with the “elegant” Cassandra and nuzzling with the “stunning” Renee… but he can’t totally enjoy himself while Andi is pouting in the corner about having to get naked. Ever the gentleman, he tracks her down and assures her that it’s all going to be fine, because, you see, he’s going to be naked too! That’s enough to put a smile on the prosecutor’s face, so she dons her itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny flesh colored bikini and gets into frame with Lucy, two furry friends, and Juan Pablo, who is probably wearing a tiny speedo… but I can’t tell for sure, despite numerous freeze-frame attempts.

Okay, clothes on, folks! Drinks and loaded chit-chat awaits at Team Bachelor’s regular rooftop pool. Cassandra gets her one-on-one time first, and she’s clearly very nervous about telling Juan Pablo she has a little boy — or maybe she’s just freaked out by the fact that he’s standing in her personal space, perpendicular to her body, and staring intently at her face while she talks. Either way, he takes the news about Cassandra’s son in stride. The evening drones on uneventfully as Juan Pablo hops from one sit-down chat to the next, and while there’s the usual hand-wringing about “pressure” and “stress” of the situation, everyone waits patiently for her turn. Only in Victoria’s case, “waiting patiently” means “pounding glass after glass of bubbly.”

Nikki tries to do her a solid by telling Victoria to “tone it down” — “I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now,” she explains — but Vicki’s trying not to hear that. “This is how I am sober!” she retorts. “I’m just fun sober!” It’s hard to argue with that; who else but a “fun” person would declare that life is about “straddling people… and things”? And if “I’m not a dog — I’m just a bitch” isn’t a million-dollar t-shirt slogan waiting to happen, I don’t know what is. Unfortunately for Victoria, her booze-fueled emotional roller coaster is about to plummet down a steep, steep, hill of despair. After weaving through the hotel in search of Juan Pablo and finding him sitting in an alcove with Nikki, Victoria marches her way to the bathroom, locks herself in a stall, and sobs. Renee’s efforts to comfort her fall on deaf, extremely drunk ears. “I’m done! I’m going home!” she wails. And there’s no effing way she’s waiting to talk to a producer or for Team Bachelor to book her a flight or call her a cab! She’s done. Done. DONE!

NEXT: Sharleen admits she did not make a great first impression

Not even Juan Pablo can pull Victoria from her rage spiral — but he doesn’t take her rebuff personally. “It’s not easy to be in this situation,” he tells the ladies. “I was there and I was nervous too, and I feel bad for her, honestly.” ¿Como se dice class act? And with that, Kelly gets the date rose, and the uncomfortable evening draws to a close. Sadly, that’s not the last we see of Victoria, as Team Bachelor has parked her in a hotel to dry out and wait for a visit from Juan Pablo in the sober light of day. The 24-year-old offers a less-than-heartfelt apology for “setting off the crazy train,” and ultimately attributes her behavior to a faulty emotional regulator: “I feel everything very intensely.” And if you thought that was an understatement, get a load of her next excuse: “I probably could have been a little more adult about it.” And if you thought THAT was an understatement, check out Juan Pablo’s explanation for sending Drunky McHotmess home rose-less: “From what I saw of Victoria, she’s not ready to get into a relationship with somebody who has a daughter.”

I don’t know about you, rose lovers, but I’m exhausted. How are we going to make it through the cocktail party? In fact, I’m a little worried that I actually fell asleep and dreamed a segment where Amy used her one-on-one time to “interview” Juan Pablo with an invisible microphone for an imaginary television show. Did that happen? And did Sharleen actually apologize for being a totally “ungracious” jerk-face when Juan Pablo gave her the First Impression Rose? Man, I should take Ambien before I recap more often!

Speaking of waking nightmares, Cassandra can’t enjoy the party at all because she’s got a bad case of missing her little man. If anyone can understand, it’s Juan Pabs, who’s spending every day without his best girl, Camila. Given that, he tries to assure Cassandra that he absolutely won’t string her or Renee along, because they’ve got someone waiting for them at home. (The rest of the “ladies,” though, he’s totally just gonna f–k with them.)

Naturally, Cassandra gets the first rose at the ceremony, followed by Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle (holy sleek hair!), Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christy. Sorry, Amy, but it seems Juan Pabs did NOT love your weird fake interview, and Chantel… well, we don’t really know anything about you, so safe travels, okay?

Well, Juan Pablo thinks it was a “great week” — do you agree, rose lovers? I’m a little bummed out that the season’s much-hyped meltdown happened in week two… where do we go from here? And I’m not getting a clear sense of who Juan Pablo is actually into — it seems like he just wants to “get to know” everyone “better.” Do fellow moms Renee and Cassandra have the edge? Post your thoughts below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive Bachelor blog over on PopWatch. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go look up “the hymen maneuver” in a medical dictionary.

Episode Recaps

The Bachelor

Chris Harrison hosts the romance reality competition series in which a gaggle of women vie for the Bachelor’s heart — and a wedding proposal. Will you accept this rose?

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