The Bachelor recap: Sibling Rivalry

Hello and welcome to the hometown dates episode, also known as “The One With the Incident that Heretofore will Never Be Spoken of Again at Holidays and Other Family Gatherings.” Let’s do this, rose lovers!

First up is sweet, kind, earnest, humorless AshLee, who brings her fluffy little dog Bailey along with her to meet Sean for a picnic in Houston. “My parents aren’t your typical pastor’s family,” she tells the Bachelor over giant goblets of white wine. “Like, my dad’s into motorcycles and he’s extremely outdoorsy.” Turns out, Sean’s dad is a reverend too — “Oh my gosh!” exclaims AshLee, who didn’t know this about the man she has, in her words, “fallen into love with,” but whatever — so Sean should fit in perfectly. Especially since it basically sounds like AshLee wants to marry her dad.

Mom and Pop greet the Bachelor and their baby girl warmly, and Pop even makes his interrogation sound genial. “I want to know what y’all have done up until now,” he drawls with a smile. “Where you’ve been, who you’ve met — I want to know these things.” But as AshLee begins answering all those questions (she gets teary explaining how she felt her “fear of abandonment” in Lake Louise during the polar bear plunge, and admits that she and Sean “rolled around in the sand” in St. Croix), daddy’s face begins to darken. By the time AshLee finishes her oversharing — “And then I told him I loved him” — Pop looks like he’s crafting a real fire-‘n’-brimstone sermon in his head.

Fortunately for Sean, it’s Mom who pulls him aside for a one-on-one first. But she chooses not to warm him up with a few softballs, and goes straight for the million-dollar question instead: “What are your intentions for AshLee? Are you gonna break her heart?” She has to ask, of course, and Sean has to say “that’s definitely not my intention,” but really, Deborah doesn’t have any more information after this conversation than she did before. The Bachelor has learned a new fun fact, though: AshLee was in five foster homes in one year before her parents adopted her. Pretty sneaky, mom: There’s no way Sean can dump her after hearing a staggeringly sad statistic like that. (Except, you know, he totally can.)

Sitting down with Pop is definitely more stressful for the Bachelor, though. “I’m afraid he’s going to ask me if I love his daughter!” exclaims Sean, who has just made it clear that he doesn’t. Though “love is on the horizon,” he tells dad, who once again manages to convey a daunting message with a smile and a chuckle. “Probably a good thing you live in Dallas if you don’t pick her,” says Bruce with a hearty guffaw. “I’m gonna have to do a lot of emotional damage repair if you pick another girl. But don’t let that weigh on your decision.” Har har har! Sean parries and advances with his own assault: So, dad, how come you let your not-quite-legal daughter get married? “She was not too far from being 18,” explains Bruce, “and I felt like if I didn’t let her get married then you know maybe there’d be some choices made that wouldn’t be the best choices.”

NEXT: Catherine’s sisters take a hit out on her character

In the end, though, Pop gives the Bachelor his lukewarm blessing. What else can he do? Well, besides make us cry by telling us about the first time he saw his 4-year-old daughter-to-be: “AshLee walked in and right away I looked at her, and I looked at the [social] worker, and I said this was going to be really hard to give back. The moment that I saw her… I fell in love with her. So whatever man takes her for the rest of her life is going to have to fall in love with her like that.” Don’t cry, Bruce — it’s killing me! As is Sean’s response to AshLee’s umpeenth I love you: “You’re the best.”

All right Catherine, you’re up! The graphic designer is from Seattle, so naturally she meets Sean at the Pike Place Market. And naturally, Team Bachelor has arranged for the poor guy to take a turn at seafood football, or whatever. After Sean and Catherine each take a turn at having local fishmongers hurl their wares at them, the giddy duo wander the market (trailed by a PA carrying releases for anyone who happens to step in the path of the camera), smooching and giggling all the time. Coos Catherine with a squeak, “I love how he smells. I love his big, beefy arms.” And I thought AshLee’s dad’s speech was beautiful! Girl, I hope you incorporate that into your wedding vows.

The visit to Catherine’s home starts off well, as Sean impresses Grandma by properly performing the manong gesture of respect. Granny’s verdict: “Handsome. I’m going to get him!” It’s all fun and games and pushups and rolling lumpia until Catherine’s sisters Monica and India pull her aside for a come to Jesus talk. “Can you see yourself with, like, him and a family and kids?” asks Monica, perhaps a tad more skeptically than she meant to. “I feel like you’re trying to convince us to, like, like him.” Though Catherine insists “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care for this guy,” Monica and India still bring the emotional equivalent of a sniper’s rifle to their one-on-one with Sean. Monica kicks things off by saying Catherine always “goes in 100 percent with a guy,” but things tend to fall apart when they progress beyond “fun.” Then India chimes in with the news that Cathy’s a total slob. “It’s not that she’s dirty,” she explains helpfully. “It’s just clothes everywhere. At all times.” Oh, and did they mention that she’s moody too? “She’s very happy or she’s very focused,” says India.

Mom, help us out here. This is getting painful! “This is very unique. Will it work? I don’t know. I don’t want anybody to get hurt. I don’t want my daughter to get hurt,” Mom tells Sean as they crowd together in the small kitchen. “You don’t want to lead her on, because we don’t want that. She shouldn’t lead you on because you wouldn’t want that. Do you have any other questions for me?” Oh, and that blessing you wanted, Sean? Nope: “We’ll see what happens.” Way to shut it down, Mama! I’m living for this family. Sighs the Bachelor, “Honestly, I don’t know where we go from here.”

NEXT: “Don’t put your hands on me”

From the Filipino frying pan to the armed forces fire! Sean’s next stop is Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, the post where Lindsay’s dad the two-star general is in command. So, how exactly do you address a general upon meeting him — Mr. or General? Sorry Sean, but Lindsay has no idea. “I think maybe avoid saying it,” she suggests. When the time comes, though, the Bachelor goes with a simple, “Hey Mr. Yenter, nice to meet you as well.” Phew! Glad that’s over with. Now let’s get to the real fun: Telling Mr. and Mrs. Yenter about how their daughter acted the fool on the first night — “I got out of the limo in a wedding dress,” admits Lindsay sheepishly, as the Major General turns pinker than the Bachelor — and grilling Sean about his intentions. Lindsay’s mom Lisa doesn’t seem to mind that he’s “not in the position” to say that he’s falling in love with her daughter. “He’s not going to share those type of words with anyone,” she says. “I really respect someone like that.”

Does Major General Yenter agree? Sir no sir! He’s very worried that his “beautiful,” “first-born” child will end up being hurt by this televised travesty, and he’s not about to bestow some hollow “blessing” on a hypothetical future son-in-law’s hypothetical proposal without making said future son-in-law feel like a jackass first. “I don’t think I’ve ever been asked a tougher question in my entire life,” begins the Major General, who proceeds to tell Sean that he’s basically parachuted into enemy territory and is gonna have to save his own ass. Still: Blessing granted, private. Back to your bunk! “It feels like he accepts me and he thinks I’m worthy to be with his daughter,” marvels Sean. “It makes me more attracted to Lindsay.” The feeling is mutual: “I’m definitely falling in love with you,” Lindsay tells Sean during their last-chance driveway clinch. “Totally.”

Not so fast, missy! There’s still one more “lady” to contend with. At long last it’s time for Desiree’s much-hyped hometown date, which begins on a hiking trail in LA. “Today I really just want the date to be an ordinary Saturday,” she tells us. “The other dates are so extravagant and I really just enjoy this time to be, like, a real couple.” Eventually the sun goes down and the “real” “couple” makes their way to Desiree’s house — can you guess what word Sean used to describe it? That’s right: Cute! — where they prepare dinner for Des’ family. All of a sudden… knock knock knock! It’s a red herring at the door! Yes, rose lovers, it seems the dramatic confrontation between Desiree and her nerdy, lovelorn ex was all a practical joke — revenge for Sean’s gallery gag way back when. I’d like to offer Des and her partner in pranks some props for a few things:

1. The script. “You’re gonna be with this actor? This isn’t real!” Way to reappropriate the single most damaging accusation leveled against this franchise and therefore render it powerless, Team Bachelor! Also, I loved the guy’s dismissive wave toward the camera when he said it.

2. The camera operator who noticed Sean’s hand was closed and zoomed in on it ominously. Somebody deserves a bonus!

3. “Don’t put your hands on me.”

4. Viewing party at Nick’s house! It makes me extremely happy-sad to think that this nebbishy aspiring actor invited all of his friends over to his apartment last night to watch his “big break” on The Bachelor. Welcome to Hollywood! Hey, mister — what’s your dream?

NEXT: Desiree’s brother is not impressed

Anyhoo, moving on. Welcome Mom, Dad, and brother Nate! Team Bachelor barely shows us 30 seconds of Desiree’s parents talking to Sean before skipping straight to the main event: Doubting Nathan. Des can barely get a full affirmation out (“You have to know that the person will be there for you, being your best friend…”) before Nate interrupts her with a dismissive snort. “You think that’s your best friend?” Indeed, Nate thinks the entire Bachelor process is “stupid, almost” and he tells his sister that even if Sean did pick her in the end, ” I’d be saying to myself, there’s no way this could work out.” By the time he requests a few minutes to “holla at” Sean alone, things are getting pretty tense. That said, there’s an undercurrent of nervousness to his aggression with Sean, to the point where it seems like he’s hamming it up for the cameras. “She’s really into you, but you’re not into her. I don’t think that reciprocation is there,” he tells the stunned Bachelor. After Sean tries to reassure him that he does, in fact, have a connection with Desiree, Vanilla Ice stares ahead silently for several seconds and declares, “I think you’re just a playboy.”

And he HATES it. “I wanted to tell Nate off,” seethes Sean to the camera later. “But the last thing I want to do on this hometown date is cause a scene and get into a big fight with her brother.” So the Bachelor bites his tongue, as he and Nate return to the table and bring a high-pressure system of awkwardness with them. Tony and Roxanne immediately go into break-glass-in-case-of-conversational-emergency mode and begin talking about the weather, but it’s too late — the evening is ruined. “I’m telling myself that I’m not gonna allow Nate to affect my feelings for Des,” sighs Sean. “But at the same time it’s impossible not to picture myself in this family who has this brother who… we don’t get along.”

Back at Casa Bachelor a few days later, Nathan’s epic dis is still weighing heavily on Shirtless Sean’s mind as he prepares for the rose ceremony: “I have no clarity.” You know what they say, Sean: When in doubt, seek out Harrison in the candlelit chat room! “Are all four women literally on the chopping block tonight?” asks the host. (Literally? I would think not… unless this has suddenly turned into a Hostel sequel or something.) But no, Sean’s managed to narrow it down to Desiree and Catherine – Des is in trouble due to her a-hole brother, while Catherine is on the block because the Bachelor isn’t sure that their lives “really align.” She’s “independent” and has “big, lofty” career goals — and we all know how dangerous it can be to marital harmony when a man allows his wife to work outside the home.

So who’s it gonna be? Even once he’s standing in front of the final four “ladies” at the rose ceremony, Sean still doesn’t know. Desiree, perhaps sensing a chill, interrupts the Bachelor before he can hand out a rose and asks for a moment alone. “I want to apologize for last night,” she whispers, as the production ninjas struggle to capture the conversation on their boom mikes. “It weighs heavy on my heart.” Sean assures her that everything’s okay, but once he’s back at the ceremonial rose chamber — where he gives the first two roses to AshLee and Lindsay — he can’t pull the trigger on the final rose.

NEXT: “I really think this is a huge mistake.”

Harrison to the portrait gallery! I repeat, Chris Harrison, please report to Sean in the portrait gallery! The host drops a few sage words of advice — “Get this right” — and then disappears into the night, leaving Sean to figure out his “lose-lose” situation on his own. (Just like being a paratrooper, buddy — deal with it!) In the end, the Bachelor gives the final bud to Catherine. (Uh-oh, Nate. Your sister is going to kill you when she gets home.) Sean walks Desiree out and sits with her on the Pity Bench to explain what just happened. “I know you have every quality that I’m looking for in a wife,” he says in hushed tones. “That’s why I think I may wake up tomorrow and realize this was a giant mistake.” Dude, if you were trying to make her feel better you’re doing a terrible job.

What follows is a 43-second long goodbye hug next in the driveway. “I’m going to miss you so much, I really am,” murmurs Sean into Desiree’s shoulder. “Then don’t let me go!” she whimpers back. Sadly, rules are rules — no rose, no romance. Into the Reject Limo you go, toots! “I don’t even know what I’m going to do about my life,” sobs Desiree. Don’t worry, honey; there’s always The Bachelorette! (Are you on board, rose lovers?)

Well folks, you know what to do. Tell me how you’re feeling: Mad? Sad? Indifferent? Should Desiree cut the brakes on her brother’s car or will a swift kick in the nuts suffice? And will you be tuning into Sean Tells All tomorrow? Post your thoughts now, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog over on PopWatch when you’re done. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out who the eff I’m rooting for. This may take awhile.