Part one of the two-night Bachelorpalooza features a group date gatecrasher, a goat-milking competition, and the dreaded two-on-one date showdown

By Kristen Baldwin
March 13, 2015 at 09:04 PM EDT
ABC
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It’s the most wonderful time of the season, rose lovers: The two-on-one dates are here! We begin this week with Harrison dropping the bomb on the “ladies” at Casa Bachelor, but at least he tempers it with some good news: “I’m going to need all of you to go pack your bags. You’ll be embarking on a world-wide journey to find love with Sean!” Wooooo! And your journey begins in… Montana. Um, woooo? (I bet they feel like Wayne and Garth visiting Delaware right about now.)

But once they pull up to the Lodge at Whitefish Lake, the “ladies” seem pretty psyched to be in the land of pine trees and majestic mountain beauty. “I get to see my boyfriend — yaaaay!” cheers Daniella. (Wait, she has a boyfriend? Then what is she doing on this show?) But it’s Lindsay who gets the first one-on-one date, which begins with a helicopter tour of Glacier National Park and a picnic at Blackfeet Indian Reservation. While Sean admits Lindsay’s wedding dress prank on night one almost made him think she was “too crazy” for him, he’s clearly done a 180, because now he can’t stop eating her face. They come up for air at dinner long enough to talk about Lindsay’s relationship with her dad — he was away at war during most of her adolescence, and she always lived in fear of losing him — but soon after that it’s back to making out. Of course she gets the rose, and then a pretty blonde named Sarah Darling serenades Sean and Lindsay as they dance atop a raised platform in the town square, bathed in the soft blue light of hundreds of smart phones held aloft by admiring Montanans.

Meanwhile, back at the lodge: Knock knock knock, it’s the Accent Table of Doom at the door! And this time, the “ladies” greet his arrival with trepidation; they know that whoever isn’t listed as part of the group date will be entering the two-on-one cage match. Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn, and Daniella are safe, so that means it’ll be Jackie and Tiny T will be rumblin’ for the rose. Tierra, who’s grinning like a maniac, already thinks she’s got it in the bag. “I’m, like, so excited, just because I’ve been on so many group dates,” she chirps to the “ladies,” who don’t even try to hide their disdain. “I’ll just go with my gut, and it’s usually always right.”

The next day, Sean meets his harem out in a bucolic pasture, where Harrison holds court alongside some goats, canoes, and bales of hay. (“Are those dogs?” asks one of the women — no doubt dear, sweet, dumb Daniella — as they approach.) Looks like this group date is going to be part Survivor, part Bachelor Pad, and all stupid. “Welcome to The Bachelor‘s Montana Wilderness Relay Race!” announces Harrison, explaining that two teams of four will have a canoe race, move some hay bales, saw through a 12-inch log, and then milk a goat. “But wait! One or more of you must drink the goat’s milk to complete the competition,” continues Harrison, as Robyn throws up a little bit in her mouth. (Oh, and in case you were wondering, Sarah doesn’t think that having one arm is going to hold her back in this competition.)

NEXT: Chug! Chug! Chug!

Air hooooooooorn! First up it’s the blue team’s Lesley and Catherine racing the red team’s Robyn and Selma in canoes. Though “racing” is probably a little too generous — it’s more “flailing, drifting aimlessly, and getting stuck in the weeds.” Eventually, the blue team docks the boat and begins to “buck” their hay — but their commanding lead evaporates when the bale carried by AshLee and Daniella falls apart, allowing Sarah and Desiree to catch up. Even after the goat kicks over Desiree and Robyn’s bottle of milk and they have to start over, the blue team’s AshLee and Daniella are not able to get back in the game. “Desiree — she was good,” marvels Robyn, as the camera zooms in on Des’ hand expertly massaging the goat’s udder. And once Sean gets a load of Desiree swallowing the entire jar of that goat’s dairy emissions… well, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sean considered giving her the final rose and calling the rest of the season off.

Sorry, blue team — into the Reject Minivan you go! You’ll be dining on minibar pretzels and misery while the red has an intimate night out with Sean at Casey’s fine dining establishment… or will you? “Watching the blue team drive away just left a sinking feeling in my stomach,” admits the Bachelor. “It just seems like it’s a little late in the ‘journey’ to be sending girls home that I really need to spend time with — so I decide that I’m gonna have to bend the rules a little bit.”

Knock knock knock – it’s a Host of Happy News at the door! Harrison arrives, all rustic sweater-y handsomeness, and hands a makeshift date card to AshLee: “AshLee, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine — sending you home didn’t feel good. Please join me at the party tonight.” Shut uuuuuuuuuup! the “ladies” squeal collectively, who then scamper off to get ready. Meanwhile, back at Casey’s, Desiree has just learned she chugged a tall glass of warm goat’s milk for nothing. “I am so livid because none of it mattered!” she fumes to the camera, while turning her face to hide her burning rage and disappointment from Sean. And Robyn looks like she’s about to take her earrings off and get real: “We won, and what do we get out of it? Time with Sean? Oh cool, the losers get time with Sean too,” says a stone-faced Robyn. She pauses, and punctuates the moment with a chilling eyebrow raise. “It’s like, we got nothing extra out of it.”

As the blue team hustles off to get their party on with Sean, Tierra is hatching a plan of her own. “He knows that I’ve been patiently waiting for a one-on-one,” she explains. “It’s just a little disappointing, because I feel like I’m being misled.” So she pulls on her boots and a borrowed blue-team shirt and heads out to hunt herself down a hunk. The helpful folks at Team Bachelor point her in the right direction, and before we know it, Tiny T is sneaking up behind Sean while he’s filming a confessional and — as the off-camera producer sets things up perfectly by asking him, “Are you anticipating any other surprises tonight?” — placing her hands over his eyes. And then… we SMASH CUT to black.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IS HE DEAD? Oh… phew. It was just a commercial break. Turns out Tierra’s still just standing there behind Sean, and when the Bachelor finally peels her hands from his face, his voice goes up an oh sh– octave: “What are you doing here?”

NEXT: To the losers go the spoils… and the rose

Tiny T drags Sean outside to give him a guilt trip. “I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you,” she coos, “and I’m like, ‘What the heck? Why am I getting a two-on-one?’… Honestly the two-on-one — it felt like a huge slap in the face, almost.” In her manipulative brilliance, Tierra just keeps talking and talking and talking — literally, the only word Sean gets in is “um” — and she piles veiled threats on top of guilt on top of pick me, choose me, love mes. “I hope you follow your heart and make the right decision, because I know one of us is going home.”

And with a few send-off smooches, she’s gone, running off into the night with the gleeful knowledge that she’s gotten a “head start” (in her words) on tomorrow’s two-on-one date. Here’s a question though, Team Bachelor: Why in the name of all that’s holy did you NOT let the other “ladies” know Tierra was there? Since when do you respect these women’s “feelings” or “dignity”? That was a train wreck TV classic ready to happen! Also, why no footage of Jackie back at the hotel going, “Um, guys? Where is Tierra going? Why does she get to leave?”

Anyhoo, once Tiny T leaves, Sean hasn’t heard the last of the complaining. Fortunately, Des only gets to whine for a minute or so — “I come to find out, ‘Oh crap, I could have just walked the whole thing and been able to spend time with you!'” — before AshLee moves in to make the most of her borrowed time. “I have this, like, soul connection with you,” purrs AshLee to Sean. “I just adore you.” (For the record, he is “crazy about” her as well, which makes how many “ladies” he’s said that about, rose lovers? Three? Four?) AshLee’s blue teammate Catherine enjoys a cozy moment with the Bachelor as well — they snuggle outside on a bench, with Catherine sitting on Sean’s lap — and they’re having such a good time they don’t even notice poor, forgotten Daniella staring at them from the doorway.

Of course, by the time she finally does get her one-on-one time with Sean, Daniella is a hot sniffly mess and she can’t hide her tears. She babbles something to the Bachelor about how “hard” it is to see Sean “connect” with the other women, and he does his best to calm her down, in a non-committal way of course. “I know I love being with you,” he says. “I just don’t want you to feel like I’ve forgotten about you or anything like that.” That must have been exactly what Daniella wanted to hear, because she lunges at his face, tongue-first. And… she gets the rose! Suck it twice, red team!

The next day, Tiny T and Jackie pack their bags and climb into an SUV, where they stare out of opposite windows and ride in silence to their two-on-one date with Sean. The Bachelor’s plan for the day? Meet the girls at the Bar W Guest Ranch, where he’ll ask Tierra some “probing questions” while also deciding whether Jackie can be his “best friend.” Oh, and they’ll go horseback riding, too.

NEXT: Tierra plays her trump card

Honestly, the odds are stacked against Jackie from the start. First of all, she’s been such a non-presence this season that it’s entirely possible Sean didn’t realize she was still on the show. Second of all, Team Bachelor makes sure she got the only horse on the ranch that could actually benefit from a walker — leaving her lagging way behind Sean and Tierra during the ride. And finally, she just can’t stop herself from using her alone time with Sean during the date to badmouth Tierra. (R.I.P. Kacie B.!) “I would hate for you to fall in love with somebody who’s not their true self,” she says. “Obviously Tierra’s been, ever since the other night, trying to fit in with the girls… and I appreciate that. Um, but you know, when there was a cute guy at the airport she did kind of make a comment that she thought he was cute and was definitely flirting.”

Sigh. Will the “ladies” never learn? Men do not enjoy hearing anything critical about a woman that their penis likes very, very much. While Sean tells Jackie he appreciates her candor, and they even make out for a little while, I think we all know where this is going, people. First, we’ll get the awkward, nearly silent dinner. (“If I could be somewhere else right now, I probably would,” confesses Sean to his dates, after a particularly painful pause.) Then Tierra will play her trump card: Dead addict boyfriend. “The hardest part about losing him,” she tells Sean, “was that I lost my best friend. I think that’s why I’m so afraid of getting close to someone.” And finally, the Bachelor will give Tiny T the rose. Peace out, Jackie! You made a valiant, though largely ill-conceived, effort. So as fireworks light up the sky over the lodge, Tierra sings her own version of Courtney’s “I got the roooooooose” ditty and then explodes with maniacal laughter.

Man, this is gonna be a tense cocktail party, huh? Desiree sets on Sean first, telling him she finds his actions “confusing” and “unpredictable.” Though she hasn’t exactly said Why the f— did you keep Tierra?, the Bachelor is pretty certain that’s what Desiree is thinking. “Honestly, I left my conversation with Des having doubts,” Sean confesses. “She tells me that she’s confused and she doesn’t tell me why.” Desiree is slightly less mealy-mouthed in front of the other “ladies,” though. “Jackie was probably the sweetest person in the entire house,” she announces to the assembled group, which includes Tierra. “I think it’s just hard to watch him send that home instead of that psycho hose beast over there in the insanely short skirt.”

Naturally, Tierra storms off to stew alone by the fire. But she’s not alone for long: Robyn, Lesley, and Catherine get their little girl gang together and gather in front of Tiny T (who looks even tinier since she remains seated while the rest of the “ladies” loom over her). What follows is a typically incoherent, drunken sorority girl-style smackdown that is not worth transcribing in full, so I’ll summarize:

Robyn: Why are you so two-faced?

Tierra:  You accepted my apology. Shut up.

Robyn: Perhaps you didn’t hear me. Why are you so two-faced?

Lesley: Could you maybe, like, be a human being rather than an alien beast?

Tierra: I’m not here to make friends. I also may have “anxiety.”

Catherine: [rolls eyes, drinks wine, goes to her happy place]

Tierra: Screw all y’all! I can have any man I want! I will bite you with my Scorpio tail, or whatever!

NEXT: “I’m not sure that my wife is in there”

Even after most of the “ladies” have left the scene, Tierrarist is still ranting and raving at Robyn — and just as she’s delivering her “I will bite, I am a Scorpio” threat… Sean walks through the room! And the dude just keeps on walking, because he wants nothing to do with that whole sorry scene. “I turn the corner and saw Tierra so angry,” he marvels. “That blows me away. I don’t know if the girls are picking on her, ganging up on her… or maybe she does act differently when she’s not around me.” Ya think??? Still, the Bachelor’s idea of “getting to the bottom of it” is to ask Tierra what happened… and of course she gives him a whole “these girls are seriously attacking me for everything” song and dance. Frustrated, he asks Lesley for details as to why all of the “ladies” want to wrap Tierra in a tarp and dump her in the river, but the most he gets out of her is that Tiny T is “cold” to the other women when he’s not around.

Help him, Obi-Wan Harrison! You’re his only hope! “Was Montana a good week, as far as what you needed?” the host asks Sean, who shakes his head sadly. “No. It got started great with my one-on-one with Lindsay, and it’s downhill after that… Nights like tonight, I’m not sure that my wife is in there.” After getting all of that off his chest, Sean feels strong enough to perform his rose duties — but only after giving the ladies a stern, “I’m leaving this week with more questions” talking-to. The flowers go to Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, Sarah, and Desiree… meaning it’s Robyn who must take the ride in the Reject Limo. Sorry, honey. But hopefully you can take some comfort in knowing that you’re the first African-American woman to make it to episode five since… ever?

One night down, one to go, rose lovers! Let’s hear your thoughts on night one of this two-part Bachelorpalooza, and don’t forget to check out Chris Harrison’s blog on PopWatch. Now, go hydrate and refuel. We’ve got a long “journey” ahead of us.

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Chris Harrison hosts the romance reality competition series in which a gaggle of women vie for the Bachelor’s heart — and a wedding proposal. Will you accept this rose?
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