The Bachelor recap: Tierrarist Attack
Tiny T continues to tantrum her way into Sean's heart, while Leslie H. gets the Pretty Woman treatment
Good morning, rose lovers. Thanks for coming. Whatever fresh faux-romance hell awaits us this week, I’m glad we can face it together.
“My goal going into last week was to make sure that the girls felt comfortable with me,” says Shirted Confessional Sean, as Shirtless Boxer-Brief Sean strolls into the bathroom for his morning Bachelor ablutions. “This week I want to make sure that the girls trust me.” One exceptionally gratuitous close-up of Sean’s ass later, and we’re ready to start breakin’ some hearts. Lesley does the date card honors: “Selma, let’s turn up the heat!” It’s a fitting message, as Selma views this as an opportunity to put her vague-yet-still-frighteningly-specific Life Plan into motion: “I’m so excited,” she coos. “He’s finally going to get the real me. And then I want to take it to the next level, and then the next level, and then have babies!” And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why straight men fear women.
Moving on, Sean arrives and whisks his “lady” off to a private plane, where she drapes herself across his lap and tries to guess where they might be headed. “I’ll be interested in what her face looks like when she realizes today is certainly far from glamorous,” teases Sean with a smile. I’m guessing Selma has some idea — seeing as Team Bachelor told her to dress in workout gear rather than a miniskirt and hooker heels. The plane lands on a runway amid dusty mountains. And she does NOT love it. “I got the limo, and then I got the jet — and then [sigh] he took the Iraqi to a desert,” groans Selma. “I do not do well in heat. At all… I am so disappointed.”
Well, missy, it’s time to fake it ’til you make it, because you’re at Joshua Tree National Park, and you’re gonna climb some rocks, beeeeyotch! Immediately, Selma’s body begins retaining water in protest. (“I feel puffy,” she complains to the camera.) The Bachelor confesses that he chose this date specifically because Selma told him she’s not very athletic, which on the one hand is straight-up rude, but on the other hand, fake marriages are about compromise, right?
“Let’s get harnessed up!” announces Sean, who makes poor Selma lead the way. Maybe he just wanted a better view of her booty? “Your form looks unbelievable!” he tells Selma, who’s scampering up the rock so quickly she leaves the Bachelor in the dust and makes it to the top on her own. After the duo drinks in the sunset for awhile, it’s time for dinner — so they Wile E. Coyote off the edge of the cliff (or something; Team Bachelor doesn’t show us how they get down) and head for the showers.
NEXT: Selma’s mom to Sean: No smooch for you!
Sean keeps the Recession Glam theme going for dinner, delighting in the fact that while Selma probably thinks they’re headed to “this really fancy hotel,” in fact they’re going to dine… in a pretend trailer park! With a pool! And pink plastic flamingos! It’s the perfect setting for the old, “So, why are YOU single?” talk. The Bachelor indulges Selma’s inquiry with the tale we heard him tell before on Emily’s season: He broke up with his one serious girlfriend years ago because he wasn’t ready to get married. Now, Sean continues — just in case Selma missed the point of this whole exercise — he wants to commit to someone. And he really wants to kiss Selma, which is making her really nervous. “I was born in Baghdad, Iraq, and I was brought into this world as a Muslim,” she tells us. “So in my culture, it’s so strict — we barely even date in public. So to kiss someone on national television — I think my mom would literally have a heart attack!”
As a result, when Sean goes in for the smooch, Selma breaks it down for him: Try it, mister, and Mama will knock you out. Parts of him are sorely disappointed –“Uhhhhhhhhhhhaaahhhhhhhh,” he moans to the camera. “I don’t know what to do!” — but Sean still gives Selma the rose, and they hug it out.
The next day, the Bachelor — ever the gentleman — makes sure that the “ladies” on the group date also get a chance to immerse themselves in a physically challenging and uncomfortable experience. Guess what, Catherine, Sarah, Amanda, Lindsay, AshLee, Tierra, Robyn, and Jackie? You’re about to get your roller derby on! Amanda tries to psych the other women out by telling them she’s played the game before (she hasn’t), but she probably didn’t need to lie to unnerve her competition — once on their roller skates, these women demonstrate all the grace of a baby giraffe with an inner ear disorder. What follows is a montage of “ladies” falling in every way possible, slamming hard on their butts, collapsing onto their knees, and taking each other down as arms and legs flail helplessly.
Robyn is particularly afflicted with the clumsies: “Sean has seen me fall on my face in the rose ceremony, and now we’re going to be going around in circles and I’m going to fall again,” complains Robyn, who must be talking about falling down during her limo exit… unless Team Bachelor is holding out on us. Sarah, of course, is finding the whole experience emotionally and physically draining. “I don’t have great balance and I don’t have two arms to prop myself back up quickly,” she says tearfully. “In moments like this, I just want to be normal.” But after a pep talk from the Bachelor, Sarah gets back in the game and does her best… and my heart is filled with warm fuzzies against its will.
Meanwhile, Amanda is “totally killing it” (her words) at practice… until she loses her balance and gets a face-full of derby track. A paramedic arrives and delivers some bad news in his most soothing, soft-spoken tones: “It could be a broken jaw. You need to go to the hospital.” None of the “ladies” are particularly excited to go forward with the planned match — and I’m sure Team Bachelor had visions of their insurance rates quadrupling — so Sean calls off the game. “Let’s just go old school and have a free skate instead!” Cue the Steve Perry, guys!
NEXT: Tierra tantrums her way to a rose
Phase two of the date commences at the requisite rooftop pool, and it’s all smiles and relieved laughter about the near-death derby experience (“My favorite part of the day was when you said we weren’t going to do it!” declares Lindsay with a giggle) until Sean starts pulling women aside for one-on-ones. As he’s off telling Sarah that he’s proud of her for facing her fear of looking foolish on the derby track, Lindsay and AshLee are back on the couch trying to make some conversation with Tierra. “You were really good at that,” says AshLee, attempting to compliment Tiny T on her skating skills. Adds Lindsay, “Maybe that’s something you should get into when you get back.” Tierrarist scowls and offers a clipped and snippy, “No.”
Her mood does not improve when Amanda arrives, all smiles and poor-little-me eyes. She doesn’t even have the decency to have her jaw wired shut. Tierra cannot contain her rage, and when Robyn has the audacity to address a question about Amanda’s accident to AshLee and Sarah — not AshLee, Sarah, and Tierra — she has to duck to avoid the shrapnel from Tierra’s hate explosion. “I’m pretty sure I was on that team,” she sneers at Robyn, who quickly and wisely removes herself from the situation. But Tiny T is on a roll and she’s not going to stop bitching now. “I don’t trust anyone here, and I don’t understand why no one gets that,” she huffs, and Sarah and AshLee look on, confused. “It’s so annoying.”
She storms over to a female Team Bachelor employee and announces that she wants to leave… but not before she sows as much destruction as possible. “Where’s Sean?” she demands, but no one has the courage to tell her, “Um, he’s over on the couch making out with Lindsay.” Team Bachelor must have pointed her in the right direction, though, because Tierra parks herself by the entrance to the hot tub and lies in wait for Sean and Lindsay. Buzzkill! But the Bachelor agrees to hear Tierra out, while poor, bikini-clad Lindsay heads back to the Candlelit Holding Pen to commiserate with the other women. “It’s bad enough that I have to sit every day wondering, you know, like, how much time I’m going to really get with you and, like, living with all these women is just so hard. It’s torture — it’s seriously torture,” sobs Tierra to Sean. “I don’t want to walk away giving up, but it’s hard seeing you go with other girls… I’m so sensitive and so emotional when it comes to something I want to go after.”
Sean listens patiently and then, using his best talk-the-jumper-off-the-ledge voice, tries to calm the angry beast. “I’ve been through what you’re going through,” he begins, adding that all she should focus on is figuring out whether she’s “a good fit” for him. So just suck it the eff up, honey. “You know what I know?” Sean asks. “You like me, and you want to spend more time with me.” Oh, Sean, you may think you’re taking control of the situation, but in reality, Ms. Tierra just played you like the world’s most muscular fiddle. Her tantrum got her exactly what she wanted: the date rose. “She’s good,” admits AshLee, grudgingly. “She’s good at what she does.”
NEXT: Congratulations, Leslie! You get to be Sean’s beck-and-call girl!
The next day, Leslie H. is giddy with excitement, because she’s the official winner of this season’s Pretty Woman date — and she’s got some product placement diamond earrings to prove it. Sean drives up in a borrowed fancy car and chauffeurs Leslie to Beverly Hills. “I think it’s every girl’s dream to shop on Rodeo Drive,” says the Bachelor. Every girl’s dream, huh? I’m guessing there are some girls in, say, Pakistan who have different dreams, like, you know, not being shot in the head for suggesting young women have the right to an education… Arrrrrrrgh. Let it go, Kristen. Let it go.
So Leslie dives into her hooker dream date with abandon, trying on dress after dress as somewhere, Natalie Cole belts out “Wild Women Do” with abandon. Once she’s properly outfitted, Sean brings Leslie to see The Bachelor’s resident bling broker, Neil Lane, who drapes a 120-carat diamond creation around her neck and sends the duo off for their night on the town. And she LOVES it. “When I look at Sean, I see my future husband,” sighs Leslie. “He’s everything I could ever, ever wish for, ever.” Well, if she’s looking for a guy who is skilled at giving other people’s money away, then she may just have found her match.
Unfortunately for Leslie, though, the day’s elaborate game of dress-up isn’t flipping Sean’s switch. “Tonight at dinner, I’m hoping that something will click,” he admits. “If I was ever going to have that romantic feeling about Leslie, tonight is the night.” He probes Leslie for information about her past relationships (she almost married the boy next door), and what lessons she learned from her parents (they divorced when she was 5) — but even though Leslie is full of the Wonderful QualitiesTM all Bachelors say they want, the elusive “click” Sean’s looking for remains unclucked. “She’s a joy to be around,” he laments, “but the connection just isn’t there.”
And so comes the uncomfortable moment where the Bachelor must wave the rose in his date’s face and say, “This ain’t never gonna be yours, toots.” Of course, Sean is more polite about it: “I wanted that romantic connection to click, and honestly I just didn’t feel it click today.” Then poor Leslie hands over the necklace and leaves Sean with a word of advice before climbing into the Reject Limo: “Some girls have roses who are not here for the Right ReasonsTM.” Okay, Ben Taylor, ABC is contractually obligated to let you sing, so just get on with it, won’t you? Back at Casa Bachelor, the Suitcase Ninja is wrapping up that final loose end. “They’re taking it!” the “ladies” whisper frantically. “They’re taking it!”
Okay, so I think you all know what we need to talk about next. The cocktail party… specifically, Robyn’s one-on-one with Sean at the cocktail party. I’ll admit, I’ve been dreading this for a week, ever since the “Next week on The Bachelor” promo. She couldn’t seriously be trying to create a romantic moment with him by asking “Do you like the taste of chocolate?”, could she? I wondered nervously. Has she been, like, carrying around the same square of Ghirardelli for weeks waiting for the right time to bust out that terrible line?
NEXT: Meet Catherine, who has apparently been here the whole time
But to my enormous relief, this exchange was exponentially less awkward than Team Bachelor led us to believe with their editing. “So I’m trying to think which pick-up line I’m going to use on you tonight,” Robyn begins playfully. And when she performs her candy-themed bit, it’s all so clearly a joke — she even bursts out laughing after delivering the “Which chocolate do you want to taste?” punch line — that my embarrassment and vague discomfort and subsequent white liberal guilt about that vague discomfort vanished. Phew!
Meanwhile, the other “ladies” are debating what to do about the Tierrarist in their midst. Do they say something to Sean or just hope he comes to his senses? “Don’t these girls get sick of talking about me?” sneers Tiny T, after being enveloped by chilly silence the moment she walks into the living room. So she asks Jackie and Robyn outside for a heart-to-heart, where offers the most backhanded apology possible. “You kind of attacked me,” she tells Robyn, “and in all honesty, it was not fair.” Robyn’s all, Yeaahhh… no. “In the house, you’re kind of stand-offish, and then when you go on a group date with Sean, I feel like all of a sudden you want to be all of our best friends.” Eventually, they’re so uncomfortable sharing the same oxygen with each other that Robyn and Jackie pretend to accept Tierra’s “apology,” and hightail it back to the living room.
Tiny T’s next stop is Sean, of course, so she can make it clear that it’s really the other “ladies” who are the problem. “Girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am,” she says sweetly. No worries, says the Bachelor. “If someone came to me and said, ‘I’ve got this list of bad things to say about Tierra, it’s not going to influence me.'” Got that people? Sean is HIS OWN MAN! His own man with producers following him around 24-7 asking him leading questions and feeding him intentionally incomplete information! So get over it!
Catherine, who’s wisely chosen not to get caught up in the Tierra saga, uses her one-on-one time to give Sean a cute note emblazoned with a lipstick kiss — and to cut right to the chase. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot,” she tells Sean. “I’m so attracted to you.” And he LOVES it. “You’re so easy to be around,” gushes the Bachelor. “But at the same time I was like, ‘I hope she’s not putting me in the friend zone, you know?” Even though there are four “ladies” waiting for Sean’s time, he leads Catherine away for canoodling and kissing in the shadows. And all the rose lovers say, Nice to meet you, honey!
So which lucky “ladies” get the roses? Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie (huh??) and Daniella will join Tierra and Selma on Sean’s “journey” for another week, meaning Amanda and her busted jaw is obligated to return home to her Häagen-Dazs and any house pets she may have abandoned to come here.
Well, that was exciting! Post your thoughts on tonight’s dramatic extravaganza: How did Amanda last this long? Is Sean really that clueless about Tierra? (Also, has he never seen a parking brake?) And what’s this about there being two episodes next week? My God, Team Bachelor, are you trying to kill me? But if the previews are accurate and we may actually get to see Tierra freeze to death, it could be worth it.
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