The Bachelor recap: Bugging out
The "ladies" go loco when Brad takes them on a Costa Rican getaway, prompting tears, stalker behavior, and a very unflattering fear of bugs.
¡Hola amigos! ¡Me gusta pasar las vacaciones en la playa! Unfortunately, that’s all the Spanish I remember from college. Fortunately, Brad doesn’t need to be bilingual for this “journey” to Costa Rica — he only needs to speak the international language. You know… love! The language of love! (I’ll bet the three of you out there who’ve seen Better off Dead are laughing heartily right now.)
The “ladies” arrive at the tropical resort and — metaphor alert! — there’s a volcano outside their window. So… who’s gonna blow first? Place your bets! Alli must be jet-lagged, because the best compliment she can muster up for Brad when he arrives is that he looks “well-rested.” Making matters worse, she still hasn’t had a one-on-one date — and that’s not going to change today, because Chantal’s name is on the date card. Brad picks her up and leads her by the hand to… a helicopter! Surprise! Even bigger surprise: back at Costa Rican Casa Bachelorette, Michelle Mole Hair is badmouthing Chantal, calling her “over-confident” and “egotistical.” Emily listens patiently. Her mouth says nothing, but her face says, “Please stop talking to me, hateful brunette.”
Meanwhile, in the jungle, Brad and Chantal ride the world’s longest zip line in the pouring rain. They need to get “back on track,” says Chantal, who admits she may have been a bit
psycho emotional during the Las Vegas date. There’s no chance of that today, since she has the Bachelor allllll to herself. Even a sudden downpour on their picnic dinner can’t put a damper on her spirits. “What is it about Chantal and I that every time we’re together it rains?” wonders Brad. (Hint: It might have something to do with the fact that you’re in a country filled with rainforests…) But here on The Bachelor, every cloud has a sexual lining: The rain drives Chantal and Brad back to his room, where he gives her a white button-down shirt to wear… and nothing else. “Good God,” he moans. “You look amazing. I think this is the hottest I’ve seen you.” And Chantal LOVES it. The damp duo coo and cuddle on the couch, until Brad — convinced that Chantal’s histrionics in Sin City were simply the result of a “rough patch” — gives her the rose.
Another wet day dawns (did Team Bachelor save money by booking this Costa Rica trip during the rainy season?) and Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel, and Britt are headed for a canyon excursion with Brad. “It’s all about adventure and facing fear,” says the Bachelor, directing the women to don their helmets and ponchos. “We are rappelling down a waterfall,” announces Brad (though he actually says repelling). Michelle is pissed, because back on their date she made Brad take a Sacred Oath that they would never rappel (or, repel) with anyone else. Oh, buddy, you are going to pay for that betrayal… Wait a minute, you and Michelle are rappelling down together? Nice save, pal. Nice save.
NEXT: Brad takes Alli to the “altar”
Tonight the role of the hot tub will be played by a natural hot springs, though Michelle’s temperature is already running high before she even gets in: “Watching Brad take off his shirt makes you want to go home and [beeeeep]. I don’t know how else to say it.” (Any guesses what that beep covered up? Mine is “s— his d—.”) But before anyone beeps anyone else’s beep, Brad needs to soothe Jackie’s sore feelings about Michelle’s double rappel, and convince Emily not to sabotage the relationship, which is something she has a tendency to do. And just as he’s cozying up to Michelle for a little smooching in the grotto, a piercing shriek rends the fabric of the night — it’s Alli, back at Costa Rican Casa Bachelorette, screeching in fear as Chantal taunts her with a giant black beetle they found in their room. Trust me, toots — that bug is nowhere near as scary as what Brad’s facing right now: Angry Michelle Mole Hair. Perhaps no one explained the rules to her, but Michelle is upset that Brad went on a date with another woman, specifically Chantal. “I swear on my life, I did not think she would come home last night,” she whines. “I don’t see you with her, I don’t.” Brad is nonplussed. “I really, really like Michelle,” he sighs. “What I don’t like is when Michelle gets pissed off at me for nothing.” All it takes is one bad floozy to spoil the whole harem, and after Michelle’s lecture, Brad decides not to hand out a rose on the date to anyone. Too bad for you, “ladies”!
Ok, Alli, you’re up! Last night, the Accent Table of Doom’s Costa Rican cousin, La Mesa de Obscuridad, delivered the message that your one-on-one date would be happening at “the altar.” And it certainly starts in a romantic fashion: The Bachelor rides up on a horse, leading a much smaller horse and two foals behind him. Cute much? They ride to the edge of a dense forest and then head inside on foot, where a spelunking adventure awaits them. Poor squeamish Alli is not in her element — the cave is filled with the stuff nightmares are made of, specifically spiders and bats. But she makes it through to the “altar,” a natural staircase and platform at the opposite end of the cave, where they enjoy celebratory glasses of wine. Unfortunately, Brad soon starts talking about Alli having all the “qualities” he’s looking for in a wife, which is Bachelor shortcode for “Next!” And sure enough, at dinner things get even more strained — lots of small talk, exaggerated nodding, and silent gaps. Then the table, which is suspended on a platform in the middle of a man-made pond, starts to sink. Ok, we get it — someone bring the Reject SUV around front! Unfortunately, Alli is not reading the vibe very well. “I feel like I could hang out with you all day every day!” she gushes to the Bachelor. Brad mutters something about how he just likes her as a friend, and then walks her off the premises. ¡Ay, caramba!
The Bachelor feels pretty blue about sending Alli home, but he doesn’t get that time he needs to “process” what he’s feeling, because knock knock! It’s a crazy bachelorette at the door! (Love the smash-cut to black as soon as she says, “Hola!”) Michelle is there to molest Brad and tell him that she misses him — which she somehow makes sound like an accusation — and to warn him that it would be a “huge mistake” to keep Chantal around to the end. She’s even kind enough to plan out the remaining eliminations for him: Britt, Jackie, Shawntel, Chantal, Emily, and Ashley, in that order. Brad tolerates Mistress Mole Hair and her antics, but you can tell he’s running out of patience.
NEXT: Wouldn’t it be nice if they’d all play the Silent Game?
His frustration blossoms into a full-on bad mood at the cocktail party, where Brad tells the bachelorettes that things have been “pretty rough” for him lately. “Ladies,” consider yourself on notice! Emily takes the hint and confesses to Brad that she regrets telling him about her tendency to sabotage relationships and assures him that she does not, in fact, want to do that with him. Michelle doesn’t fare as well during her one-on-one, as Brad tells her that they took “10 steps back” in their “relationship.” Like any good pathological liar, Michelle turns the whole situation back on the Bachelor, saying she only listed out all the women who were going to leave before her because he asked her to (sweetie, you do know all of this is on tape, right?) and that she actually didn’t want to talk about any of the other girls. And once she has Brad confused and slumping on the ropes, Michelle delivers the knockout blow by turning on the tears and whimpering, “I don’t know you as well as I want to, but I know that I’m supposed to be here.”
Shawntel, wisely sensing that Brad is all talked out, challenges him to the “Silent Game,” which is kind of like a staring contest only with more French kissing. (Even after Shawntel loses, Brad wants to keep playing.) After the game, Brad is relaxed, but Chantal and the other “ladies” are all worked up about the fact that Michelle lied about giving Brad grief for not handing out the date rose. The women are shocked — shocked! — to learn that Michelle even took an unauthorized field trip to Brad’s pad, and hearing that, Chantal decides it is on. She minces up to the Bachelor and declares, “I have fallen in love with you. I love you!” Because he is prohibited from responding in kind by The Bachelor Code of Contact, Brad’s response is somewhat awkward: “What makes you think that?” Don’t be silly, Brad, the answer is simple: She’s on The Bachelor! She’d fall in love with an Old Navy mannequin if it took her on a shopping spree date.
Despite all the drama, when the roses are handed out it’s Jackie, not Michelle Mole Hair, who gets the boot. He tries to let her down easy, telling her she has “every quality” a man could ask for in a wife — uh-oh, there’s that word again! — but she still takes it very hard. “I feel like I fell short,” she sniffs. Oh, it’s ok honey — falling short in the crazy department is actually a good thing. And with that, rose lovers, we’re off to Anguilla, where sand, sexy photo shoots and even more tears await! So, what did you think about tonight’s “journey”? How much longer do you think Michelle can manage to stay around? Will Chantal ever stop crying? And do you think Shawntel apologized to Britt for elbowing her in the boob during the end-credits bug scare? Post your thoughts below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive Bachelor blog over on PopWatch. Now, strap on your helmet and let’s talk Bachelor!