Barbara Nitke/Showtime

Oh show, when will you tell us more about the crime?

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October 27, 2014 at 03:01 AM EDT

Welcome back to the show that still refuses to tell us who is maybe dead. WHO IS MAYBE DEAD?! I need to know! And… we still don’t know. Ugh. There’s plenty of other things I’m not so sure of either—like if we can trust any small piece of Noah or Alison’s memories since it seems as though their stories are beginning to get further and further apart.

Let’s begin with Noah. We see him at night (or very early morning) swimming in the beautiful Bruce Butler pool. Are we to think he’s a man drowning in temptation? A man underwater with his responsibilities? Or just a dude who likes to swim. Either way, his father-in-law—who can not resist any opportunity to passive aggressively/aggressive aggressively cut him down to size—calls him in to tell him a fine yarn about beating the pants off some poor schmo named Arnold in tennis. I think it’s supposed to be some sort of whack Bruce Butler parable about being more disciplined with one’s writing habits, but Noah is about as receptive as any writer will be when it’s implied they might be goofing off. (Not me, of course. Nope, never.)

He’s so fed up, in fact, he goes straight to his bedroom and takes off his swim trunks. He slithers up behind a peacefully sleeping Helen and whispers those three little words every lady wants to hear: “Don’t wake up.” Which, romantic or gross? You decide!

At breakfast Helen is trying to decide between overpriced bowls between Kenya or Brazil. Bruce Butler gets stuck being on childcare duty because Noah has a breakfast meeting and Whitney has an interview to be an au pair (haha, good luck kiddos!). At lunch with Harry, the agent we met in last week’s episode, we learn that Noah wakes up early to write (or swim) and that he has no idea what his next book is going to be about. Harry thinks Noah has an honest face—which may be a subtle nod as to why the print industry is in trouble. Noah vamps a little bit about how he wants his novel to be set out in Montauk, about “the death of the American pastoral” and about an affair between a waitress and a city guy who falls in love but he kills her in the end. Hmmm! Harry is interested, too. Now all Noah has to do is write it.

Searching for, um, inspiration, Noah heads to The Lobster Roll looking for Alison. Oscar, gross boss, throws a little bit of shade as if he knows exactly what Noah is really up to. Noah heads to the library, where he looks up his own book (title: A Person Who Visits a Place. Excellent.), which is dedicated to Helen. Think on that during your next me time, Noah! Alison magically appears. How did she know he was there? She offers a tour of the island, looking fetching in a low cut blue T-shirt and flimsy skirt. Noah says all the right things again: He’s married, he doesn’t want to jeopardize his family, blah blah blah. Alison suggests the friend route. As she walks away, Noah thinks friendship sounds nice and trots off after her.

Alison takes him down to the docks where cute fisherman Will is. He offers up some fresh porgy fish, but poor city boy Noah doesn’t even know what that is. Scottie Lockhart shows up with an envelope full of cash and an attitude full of questions. Note: Many of you guys picked up how downright fishy things to be with these fish transactions and how, perhaps there’s some sort of smuggling going on with the fish. Do we think drugs? I think we think drugs. Alison’s mood quickly darkens after the arrival of Scottie and she deals with it by practically forcing Noah to make out with her. As you do. (Also, she’s nuts because Cole is making ribs for dinner and that sounds like a nice time to me.) Noah protests and Alison again stomps off saying “I get it.” I don’t think so…

Time for a totally awkward Solloway dinner! Margaret tries to teach basic table manners to Trevor, and Whitney can’t believe what spoiled brats the kids she’s charged with taking care of are. Small moment of silence for the absolute excellence of Maura Tierney’s deadpan, “Really? What’s that like?” Also the father of said brats apparently leered at Whitney’s ass. Bruce Butler’s reaction is, well you can’t fault a guy for good taste, which… gross grandpa.

We get a little backstory chatter about how Helen’s parents were not so psyched about Noah and Helen getting married. Noah, understandably, bristles even though if he could step outside of himself he could see how hilariously wonderful Margaret is—even if she throws the fact that they lend the family a ton of money back in his face. Still, if you want to write a book with a great character in it, this is the woman you should be studying.

Noah takes off to the Town Hall meeting but arrives just in time to see everyone leaving. Oscar, gross boss, totally busts him again as he gazes at Alison saying goodbye to Cole. Noah grabs Alison and asks if they can talk somewhere alone.

Noah confesses that he can’t stop thinking about Alison: that it’s keeping him from sleeping, talking to his kids, having sex with his wife. She says she thinks about him, too. And her suggestion as to what Noah can do to solve this is problem is not printable on this family-friendly website. Alison! Noah half-heartedly resists, telling her not to rush him and that he wants to be in charge. Things progress.

Cut to… Noah washing his hands before joining his wife and kids. Classy. They’re all watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but he’s not seeing the humor in poor Cameron losing his mind. So that must mean he has a lot to think about.

Back in the future/present Noah is talking to the detective. He suggests talking to Alison’s boss, Oscar. He also recommends the detective read his book. (Writers! Always schilling.) He also wants to get home to his wife (!) for dinner.

Alison remembers things differently…

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Two marriages collide when a tragedy brings an affair to light; the Showtime original series stars Joshua Jackson and Maura Tierney.
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