Survivor recap: Troy Is Nobody's Boy
Troyzan tries to shake up the game with players too stupid to know his idea is worth listening to
Here’s a question to ponder tonight: Is it possible to be likeable downing peanut butter and chocolate, while being draped in a plush towel after taking your first shower in 26 days? Sorry, Kim, but I don’t think so. And wow, I do want to like her. She’s one of the best players left and the smartest of the women — even her nemesis Troyzan says so. Also, she’s got the best taste in swimwear. And that hair! But there’s nothing like being too powerful (and flaunting that power by using your money for some shampoo and a vat of peanut butter) to make me hate you.
But let’s rewind to before Kim got her shower on. The remaining players walked back to camp after voting off male model Jay and immediately Troy started to see the light. “Jay got voted out so I’m basically the next in line,” said Mr. No Duh. Instead of doing the smart thing and starting to plant seeds on the sly with the lower people on the totem pole, Troy tried to kick up the dirt with Christina in front of everyone else. Did he think the women would just let him try to align with one of their own (albeit the least tied to the alliance)? Hell no. Alicia immediately went on the offensive, attacking Troy (under the guise of defending Christina) for berating Christina. Did Christina do anything at all to impress either Troy or the women’s alliance? Of course not. Not to agree with the hateful Colton, but she’s really a useless player.
Now, when you’re the odd man out, you can go a couple of ways. You can try to build a new alliance (which Troyzan sorta kinda did) or you can become a crazy, offensive, ranting lunatic (which Troyzan definitely did). Channeling his best backwards misogynist, he ranted that the remaining female contestants are just like women everywhere. “They get their food, they get their house, and as soon as they don’t need you anymore, they’re done.” If there’s anything less likeable than a wedding dress saleslady feeding herself peanut butter by the handful while draped in a towel, it’s a guy who’s been outplayed by women going on a woman-hating rant. Yeah, women sure are horrible. None of them ever earn anything on their own. And those silly men in their lives keep falling for them and actually feeding them and making them not sleep on the street. Damn, that 51 percent of the world’s population!
Now comes the part that I’m ashamed to admit. I want to hate Troyzan because rants like that are inexcusable. But I can’t help but root for an underdog…especially one who deserves to be there so much more than some of the other morons on the island this season…especially one who doesn’t know that the “B” in “BLT” stands for bacon.
NEXT: The price of doughnuts just went up!
Which brings me to tonight’s Survivor auction. I love the auction every season! I love watching desperate people spend hundreds of dollars for things they could get on their local street corner for 75 cents. And I’m always fascinated to see which dolt will leave the auction with an envelope of cash intact. Chelsea scored three doughnuts and coffee for $160. Sabrina paid $400 for guacamole, chips, and a margarita. Leif spent $100 for a protein shake. Because it’s not enough for the players to hand Kim the game, they also handed her the easiest auction items like a shower for $40. Cat got her “whoa, there’s bacon in here!” BLT for $180. And then came time for Alicia to try to convince us that she has a heart. She spent her entire $500 for a letter from daddy. I must admit I teared up (damn you, producers, for playing the background music in the key of “I will make you cry!”) while Alicia read the letter. And then I remembered what a bully she was earlier in the season and I wondered what daddy would have to say about that. Something tells me he’d be reaching for a little White-Out. Tarzan also ponied up $500 for a letter from home but opted for the integrity of keeping his letter private — a strange choice from someone who wears leave-absolutely-nothing-to-the-imagination island underwear. When it came time for an advantage in the immunity challenge, Troy immediately bid. Silly Christina had to be told what to do and even with direction, ultimately failed. So Troy (who, frankly, should have just bid $500 from the start) very wisely bought an advantage. And Christina bought…nothing. She’s just that bad a player. Even Cat managed to get most of the strawberries on top of her tribe-shared cake.Not to mention a helpful lesson in initials.
Back on the island, Troy went for a walk and did the tried and true I’m-doing-shifty-stuff walk and the infamous I’m-jiggling-stuff-in-my-pockets-dance moves to make his tribemates think that he’d found an idol. And 14 gazillion seasons in, it still works! Memo to all future players: You MUST bring cargo pants with zipper pockets or you will never be able to pull off this dance. Anyway, the walk and the dance gave Troy some new confidence (and the rest of the tribe some new anxiety) because he went into the immunity challenge sure he was going to win.
The challenge was classic Survivor, incorporating un-knotting rope and using a slingshot to fire coconuts at targets. Troy got to skip phase one, when Kim, Tarzan, and Christina advanced to compete against him. Ultimately, Troyzan and Tarzan advanced in a beautiful battle of names you’d only hear on a reality show. (Incidentally, who thought it was a good idea to cast both a Tarzan and a Troyzan in one season?). In the end, Troyzan prevailed with grace and humility. I kid! He prevailed and basically ran around the island with his thumb in his ears, waving his fingers, and shouting “Nya nya nya nya nya!” Or, in grown up terms, “This is my island! You can’t beat me!” And then “I’m gonna continue like that! I’m competitive! I’ve been going 50 percent. Now I’m like, Let’s go!”
NEXT: TARZAN BATHES LEIF. YES, YOU READ RIGHT.
The women shot “oh, crap” looks at one another which were partially because of their dismay that they couldn’t vote him out and partially because they knew his heretofore contained box-o’-crazy had just been blown open. Tarzan tried to contain Troyzan by telling him, “If you win, be noble. It looks bad.” But, again, I have to question a guy encouraging nobility who may or may not have gone poopy in his underwear a few weeks back.
Ignoring Tarzan which, let’s face it, is often the wise way to go, Troyzan tried to recruit players to vote out Kim. Obviously, that would be the smart move. She’s clearly pulling all the strings, she’s great at challenges, she doesn’t make enemies so will be a tremendous threat at the end, and she knows which wedding dresses will work on your body. “I don’t want to make a rash decision right now,” said Alicia, whose game strategy has basically been to make rash decisions. “I’m no dummy…It’s something I need to think about.” Well, we all know Alicia is a strategy dummy and you could tell from the look on her face that she wasn’t going to side with Troyzan. Meanwhile, Tarzan discussed the game with Leif while washing him. That’s right. While. Washing. Him. In one of the more curious and disturbing moments of the season, Tarzan held onto Leif’s head with one hand and wiped down his face with another. Could Leif not wash his own face? Was he trying to get Tarzan’s vote if by some bizarre twist of fate he made it to the end? I can’t figure it out. And how did that actually transpire? Did Tarzan say, “Hey, Leif, want me to wash your face for you as if you were a newborn kitten?”
Anyway, at tribal council, Troyzan tried to make his case, but you could tell the votes wouldn’t go his way. Sabrina told Troy to be likeable. Troy called her Mrs. Truth. Cat said something about how the women don’t necessarily know how low they are in the alliance, thereby proving that she’s one of the top people in the power alliance. Kim rolled her eyes. In the end, poor Leif and his newly clean mug got the boot. And once again, the stupidest season of Survivor made a stupid move. I have little faith in next week’s preview in which it seems like Troyzan actually convinces some women to side with him. Now all we can hope for is some footage of someone washing behind Leif’s ears from Ponderosa.
What did you all think of the episode? Can Kim be stopped? Will Troy pull an alliance together before it’s too late?