S37 E13
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December 12, 2018 at 09:00 PM EST


A lot of talk about balls this week on Survivor. Allow me to give a transcript of just a few of the comments made by host Jeff Probst during David vs. Goliath’s penultimate episode.

“You have two balls you are trying to balance on your disc.” (Don’t think for a second it’s purely coincidental that the word “disc” sounds exactly like another word that is known to be in close proximity to balls. What word, you ask? YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT WORD!)

“Nick’s ball taking a little journey.” (Ewwwwww. Not enjoying the visual right now.)

“Davie’s balls starting to separate now.” (I don’t know, that seems like a pretty private thing to say on national television about one of your contestants.)

“Both of Davie’s balls drop at the same time!” (God! Stop picking on Davie! Also, now I’m confused: Are they separating or are they dropping at the same time? Make up your mind!)

“Grab your balls!” (You forgot to say “Simon says.”)

“Mike’s balls hanging on the edge of his disc.” (Please never put the words “balls” and “hanging” together.)

“Christian, ball dangling over the edge of his disc.” (Please never put the words “ball” and “dangling” together)

“Mike’s balls now on the move!” (Really? Are they meeting up with Nick’s?)

“Which is worse: balls separating or balls clanging together? Both give you that uncomfortable feeling… in this challenge.” (OH, COME ON! THAT WAS INTENTIONAL! YOU EVEN PUT THE PAUSE IN! YOU CAN’T DO THAT AND EXPECT ME NOT TO LEAD OFF MY RECAP WITH THAT! JEFF PROBST IS RIGGING MY RECAP! STOP GAMING THE SYSTEM, PROBST!)

See, it’s not my fault. Probst knows the more he goes on and on about contestants’ balls the more my inner immature idiot will come out. I can’t resist it. I know I shouldn’t even acknowledge it and yet I cannot stop. I’m like Icarus flying way too close to the sun… which also happens to be the same shape as a ball. SEE! DAMMIT! THERE I GO AGAIN! Ugh. So frustrating. It’s all Probst’s doing.

I suppose I should soldier on anyway. Especially because we have the updated Survivor season rankings to get to. Yes, it’s that time of the campaign where I announce where I am (at least temporarily) ranking the current season of Survivor compared to all the others, and everyone then yells at me and tells me how stupid I am. And for those asking for the millionth time why I do it in the penultimate recap instead of the final one, it is as a favor to you! The finale recap is already way too long as it is, so I do the rankings here so you are not forced to read 18 pages of nonsense next week and then I can update later as need be. I’ll tell you next week if it changes Got it? Good. Let’s recap this sonofabitch!

Nick’s Trick
Nick’s Trick? What kind of title is that? It makes the guy sound like a hooker or something. Sorry, Nick. That’s my bad, man. But Nick did have a trick up his proverbial sleeve. I wouldn’t necessarily say it was a good one, but it was a trick nonetheless.

I actually liked the first part of it. Basically, Nick figured there would be a new hidden immunity idol out there so he planted a fake one with his other parchment under the raft in the hopes that someone would find it. Solid move. Maybe it gets people to stop looking for the real idol, or maybe that false confidence pushes them into making an unwise strategic decision believing they have a safety net. Nice work, Nick!

But then Nick undid all that good. While sitting there at the raft with Mike, Christian, and Angelina, Nick decided that it would be a simply fantastic idea if he found the fake idol. He proceeded to tell us how incredible this was because now other people would not be looking for it, seemingly ignoring the fact that he just made himself that much of a bigger target. And, for a period at least, that’s exactly what happened as Davie then started a campaign to get rid of his biggest ally in the game.

What an odd thing to do. I don’t know if Nick just panicked because he worried nobody was going to actually find the fake idol there, or he just wanted Angelina to hug him super aggressively, or what, but that move was downright perplexing and not worthy of a Thoroughbred, a Rock Star, a Mason or a Dixon.

Thank Me For My Selfless Act
“I do not want any reciprocity for the rice, but I stepped out of a puzzle challenge in order for us all to have rice, so it’s like, c’mon, Davie.” —Angelina

But you do! You do want reciprocity for the rice! Oh my God, this was delicious. Let me set the table, so to speak. After Davie won the reward of a helicopter ride to a beach club with what sounded like tons of glorified bar food, he was able to pick someone to go with him. He selected Nick because Nick picked him for the last one. Nick also was closest to beating him here, so it totally made sense. Nick. Solid selection. Who could possibly argue with that? Angelina, that’s who.

“We both chose you,” noted Angelina, who also then attempted to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to Jeff Probst. But she wasn’t done. After Probst asked if anybody wanted to plead their case, Angelina had a few words: “I hate to pull this card, but when I got the rice for the tribe, you got immunity, I was so proud of you. And we’ve been able to eat because of that. I really didn’t want to pull that out, but if that means anything, that would mean everything today.”

While I would love to dissect this response frame by frame like the freaking Zapruder film, I will show a remarkable sense of restraint and just focus on the portions where Angelina claimed, “I hate to pull this card out…” and “I really didn’t want to pull that out…” OF COURSE YOU DID! If you didn’t want to pull that card, you would not have pulled that card! It’s that simple! It’s like that reciprocity quote from above. You say that you don’t want it, but then get mad when you don’t get it. THAT MEANS YOU WANT IT!!!

So when Davie then picked Kara for the reward even after Angelina’s public pleading, you can imagine the reaction. Angelina told us that “This is, like, my first time in 33 days that I truly feel, like, angry.” And told us that “I am legitimately pissed. I can’t believe Davie would choose Kara over me.” What happened to the selfless act? Did it get buried under the 10 pounds of “Revenge Rice” you all cooked in protest? God, I love Angelina. I feel like my Samsung television set was made especially for her because every time she is on it she does something remarkable.

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