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Okay, I’m going to tell you something. But you have to promise not to tell anyone because it’s supes embarrassing. I once had a rat tail. Now, in my defense, I didn’t know I had a rat tail. I didn’t ask for a rat tail. I was 13 years old, went to get my hair trimmed, and the barber at the cheesy faux French haircuttery called Mon Salon said, “I’m going to give you something special.”
At first, I thought he meant something gross. Then I thought he just meant a special super-good haircut. But when he was done, it looked exactly the same as every other haircut this guy had given me ever since my parents started bringing me there because they caught me inserting an issue of Playboy into a National Geographic at our previous barber shop. (They did not carry Playboy at Mon Salon.)
So I went along my merry way, oblivious to the horror on my head until I got home and my mother looked at me and asked, “What is that?” It was only then when I saw what that fake French bastard had done to me. “CUT IT OFF!” I screamed. “CUT IT OFF!” But it was too late. The damage had been done. I had been permanently blemished.
I tell you this because it was one of the most traumatic moments of my entire life and it’s good and therapeutic to share such personal horror stories, but if this ever got out I would be publicly humiliated so please whatever you do don’t…Wait, what? Cole already told you?! DAMMIT! I knew I couldn’t trust that guy!
Hold on, he also told you about the time I wanted to be seen on TV so went to a football game with a big banner I had made, but idiotically wrote the banner in pencil so nobody could read what the hell it said? THAT SON OF A BITCH! Oh, and he also told you how on my first day of high school I put egg whites in my hair to impress everyone with my super spiky punk-rock style and then had to spend the next month convincing everyone to stop calling me Porcupine? THAT MISERABLE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING LOUSE! Oh, and he also blabbed about how I get very confused whenever I shop at Uniqlo because I can’t figure out whether it should be pronounced Uni-Qlo or Uniq-Lo? DAMN HIM TO HELL!!!
What the funk is wrong with that dude? Homie can’t keep his mouth shut. Last week he needlessly started telling everyone about Joe’s hidden immunity idol and how they should get him out. The plan wasn’t that bad, actually, but the timing was terrible. You don’t have that conversation until after you’ve lost an immunity challenge so that way you minimize the time and chance Joe has to figure out what is going on. (Even if nobody goes behind your back and tells him, people can pick up easily on visual clues — something Joe himself would claim to do at the end of tonight’s episode, but we’ll get to that later.)
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So that was a bad move, but it was nothing compared to the completely nonsensical nonsense Cole was spewing this week. After his island showmance partner Jessica pulled a magical advantage out of a bag of chips apparently made by Willy Wonka, she told her fellow Healers Cole and the Sex Doctor. Now, I could quibble with telling the Sex Doctor. What if he was planning to bolt? No real reason to include him in that conversation, but whatever.
After the tribe swap, there was a clear division on Yawa with the three Healers being in power and the one Hero (Ben) and one Hustler (Lauren) being on the outs. So then, for some inexplicable reason, Cole goes and decides to tell the opposition about Jessica’s advantage. “Jessica’s secret is kind of like my olive branch to give to people,” Cole says. “I can extend this information and maybe they’ll see me as more trustworthy.” Okay, first of all, it is most assuredly NOT your olive branch to give. Second, you don’t need them to trust you. You need your alliance to trust you! Even Lauren was like, “Why is he telling me this?” Information is power, and Cole keeps giving his and Jessica’s power away. It was a downright bizarre move.
It’s also the reason I don’t think I could be allies with Cole in this game. As I have written ad nauseam over the years (and was echoed by Ryan last week), you need predictability in an alliance partner and have to be able to count on the fact that they will stick to the script. Unfortunately, Cole thinks he is in the freakin’ Groundlings or some other improv troupe and that he can run off half cocked and do what he wants without consulting the group. Dangerous.
Dangerous, but yes, also hilarious. The scene where Sex Doctor swam out to tell Jessica that Lauren knew about the advantage was priceless. At first, Cole completely denied telling her. “That serves me no benefit to tell her,” he said. YES! EXACTLY! NO ADVANTAGE! THANK YOU! But then, after several awkward silent beats, he looked up like a kid with crumbs all over his face standing next to an off-limits cookie jar. “I mentioned it to Ben.”
Dude, you can’t even lie well! You either tell the truth or you commit to the lie — none of this in-between garbage. God, Cole you are so infuriating for such a seemingly pleasant, well-meaning person. And now I am angry at myself for being so angry at you because you are a nice dude and now I feel like the bad guy here. But you’re the bad guy! I’m not the bad guy, you’re the bad guy! Because this is really bad gameplay that is undermining the person most important to you in the game. GET IT TOGETHER!
(Recap continues on page 2)