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S30 E7
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April 02, 2015 at 07:26 PM EDT

There’s an old saying about how you don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. Well, judging by tonight’s episode of Survivor, you also don’t bring a knife to Tribal Council. Because if you bring a knife to Tribal Council, it is only going to make things escalate to absurd proportions. Just ask Joe. According to him “Everyone has the knife, and it’s stab or get stabbed.” Well, that certainly sounds a bit extreme. Evidently needing to top that, Tyler then informed us that, “Somebody is going to take an ice pick and carve it down the center of this tribe’s back.” Whoa! Settle down everybody! And then Dan had to add his two cents and proclaim that, “I don’t think a line is going to be drawn with an ice pick. I think it’s going to be drawn with a chainsaw.” Now hold on, that doesn’t even make any sense. How can you draw a line with a chainsaw? No way you can keep that thing steady enough to draw a straight line. With those jagged edges, you’re looking at a complete mess. Seriously, Dan, what are you thinking?

But then when all was said and done and Kelly was voted out Probst had to one-up everybody and inform us, “Based on the reaction, I’d say it was more like a bomb.” A BOMB?!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? We’ve gone from knives all the way to bombs in only seven minutes? When exactly did Tribal Council turn into the freakin’ Thunderdome? What’s next, is Vin Diesel gonna chase Jason Statham through the Tribal Council set in a vintage Dodge Charger while Rodney jumps into a moving open window and yells “PUNCH IT!” at the top of lungs? I don’t understand what is happening!!!!

But I do know this: I love merge episodes. I love watching old allegiances discarded and new battle lines drawn. I love the move from team game to individual game. I love the scrambling. I love the lying. I love the individual immunity challenges… yes, even when they have the dreaded footholds. And this was a perfect example of why merge episodes are great. We have a whole new game, ladies and gentlemen. Which reminds me, we have a whole new recap we need to get to. So let’s get to it—unless Jeff Probst blows the whole thing up with his nuclear bomb before we even get to my scoop of the crispy line.

We begin on night 16 at Escameca after the Joaquin blindside. “Teaming up behind my back, bro?” Rodney says to Mike, even though he was doing the exact same thing. Of course, Rodney does not say he was doing the exact same thing. Instead, he claims, “I was working on a fugazi fake alliance this whole time for us Blues.…I expected me and you to be Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan. Now I feel like I’m Luc Longley, bro.” With Rodney’s attitude toward women and his constant pronouncements about how awesome he is at this game it is almost too easy to poke fun at that guy, but sometimes you have to give props where props are due, and that Luc Longley reference was pretty aces. Sure, he could have gone even deeper and busted out a little Bill Wennington or Will Perdue, but the Longley shout-out was still pretty damn sweet.

On the other hand, Rodney’s claim that “I’m acting—I’m putting on my De Niro, bro” is pretty comical. I honestly don’t know how Mike kept a straight face. I mean, if that’s your De Niro, Rodney, it certainly isn’t Taxi Driver or Raging Bull or even King of Comedy De Niro. It’s more like The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle De Niro, which is no De Niro anyone should have to ever endure. But I do find Rodney’s holier-than-thou reaction to be fascinating. We constantly see people plotting against alliance partners on this show, and then when the alliance partners sense it coming and do something about it, the original defector acts all up in arms about the fact that they did not sit back and allow him/her to screw them over. Rodney told us he wanted to ditch the Blue Collars for Joaquin, yet now he says that “The people who did me wrong today are gonna pay in the future.” Why? For being smart?

NEXT: Here comes the merge

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