S30 E10
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April 23, 2015 at 07:56 PM EDT

My timing is absolutely terrible. Especially when it comes to Survivor. This problem extends all the way back to season 1 when my wife went into labor on July 12, 2000—forcing me to miss my one and only episode ever of the show. Come to think of it, maybe that was actually my wife’s bad timing. Or my at-that-point unborn son’s bad timing (after all, he was by that point a week late already). All I know is, I was bummed. Gotta be honest—kind of put a damper on the whole “miracle of life” thing. (Plus, not only did I miss an episode, but it was the very first merge episode. Survivor history was in the making! Oh, also…sorry, Gretchen. Bummer for you.)

This crappy timing has continued throughout 30 seasons as longtime readers of this here recap know that whenever I am out due to vacation or other work obligations, that the particular episode that I miss always ends up being the craziest of the season. This happens without fail. So seeing as how I am on vacation this week, I knew some big stuff must—by law—be on the horizon. So I did the only thing any sane individual would do in such a situation—I decided to tell my kids to get lost so I could work while on vacation. Wait, what? Why would I do that?!? This is supposed to be my time off. What was I thinking? Dammit. Now it’s too late and I guess I have to just see this thing out. However, to nobody’s surprise, my vacation week did once again line up perfectly with an episode filled with big moments and big new twists, so let me try and jam through all those big moments right here and right now before my wife discovers me all huddled away in my make-shift pillow fort with the trusty laptop—which sounds a lot dirtier than it actually is.

Auction Agita

I’m not the type to yell at my TV… except when we get to a Survivor auction and knuckleheads start automatically bidding on food when they KNOW there is an advantage to be purchased at some point in the proceedings. It legitimately makes my furious. I honestly do not get how anyone who has seen even one season of this show can do that. (Which is what makes Shirin’s proclamation that “I didn’t want to bid for an advantage in this game” so odd. She, of all people, knows the importance of said advantage, so I can’t help but wonder if she cut some sort of deal with Mike beforehand to stay out of it and he would keep her safe.)

In any event, Jenn, Shirin, and Will all bid on the very first covered item, with Will winning at $100. “Probably grilled ass or something,” he said as he walked up. Not quite. Instead, it was a note: “You just bought yourself out of this auction. Pick up your personal items and head back to camp.” Let me just say: love it. I love it because you need to mix it up at the auction and throw some negative items in there as well just to screw with the contestants. Does that make me a horrible person—turning contestant pain into my own personal gain? Perhaps, but such is their role as reality television guinea pigs. This particular auction twist also couldn’t help but remind me of Wanda and Jonathan being ousted from Survivor: Palau before they ever made it on a tribe. I loved that, too.

But we knew there was more to this thing, right? Otherwise they would have just made Will sit there and watch the auction instead of sending him back to camp. And alas, there was another note with a map that took him to a dig site with a personal stash of rations to last him the entire game, and this was pretty great too, because it forced Will into a decision—and, thankfully for us, it was a bad one.

Upon receiving his food, Will began quoting The Bible and talking about how it is better to give than to receive so he was going to share it. Well, that’s all fine and good, but I just consulted the Survivor Bible and it says that any such magnanimous move post-merge only leads to ruin. Think about it: Survivor players are automatically untrusting of any gesture whatsoever. If you give them food, they’re just going to assume you saved more for yourself. And if for some odd reason they do decide to believe you 100 percent, then you run the risk of being punished for your act of kindness because it could play well with a jury. There really is no upside whatsoever. As is, they think you got a raw deal by being evicted from the auction, so let them think that and just carry on. Will chose not to do that, and we’ll get into the result of that action a little later. But first, let’s get into an even worse decision.

NEXT: Mike takes his entire game and throws it in the trash can and then lights it on fire

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