Survivor recap: Colton, Meet Karma
After an inexplicable reign of terror, the season's high school mean girl gets his comeuppance
Grab your stethoscope because it’s time for a little Survivor medical lesson. And while Dr. Dalton Ross is off in some faraway land visiting a new batch of Survivors and the always-hot, always-Aussie medics, I will be filling in as your guide through the organs of our players. Did you know the stomach is commonly referred to as the “little brain” because it’s the largest area of nerves outside the brain? It’s true! I know that because I enjoy a gastroenterology website. Who doesn’t? So let’s say your big brain was making you do borderline-evil things…wouldn’t your little brain react and perhaps, say, act in its own borderline-evil way? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Colton’s stomach!
But before we visit one of the greatest karmic retributions ever seen on reality TV, let’s recap what led up to little brain giving the finger to the villain of the season. We started off with our two new tribes, the strong Salanis and the meek Manonos (no nos, indeed). Walking back from tribal council where they voted Monica off, the wretched Alicia went on about how funny it was blindsiding her former teammate. Playing flying monkey to Colton’s Wicked Witch of the West, she egged on her boss as he insulted Christina over and over and, unnervingly, over again. He compared her to a cockroach, he told her she may as well be in an alliance with a hermit crab. When Christina dared to want a square inch to sleep on, Alicia threatened to whack the s—t out of her.
I know Dalton’s said it before, but it bears repeating: THIS PERSON WORKS WITH CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS. “Alicia is not a good person and Colton’s a jerk,” proclaimed Dr. Obvious herself, Christina. Was Colton playing a stratetic game, demeaning his opponent so she had no will to live? Or was he just being Heather Chandler to Christina’s Martha Dumptruck? I would say the latter. How could he not know that eventually the island hate speech would catch up with him, if not now than during the merge? Did he have so little faith in reality contestant humanity that he thought no one would take on his vile behavior? (My bar for reality contestants is certainly not at Nelson Mandela levels, and Colton managed to miss the mark.) Think about that for a moment, Little Stomach, while we head over to…
NEXT: Kat gets in touch with her subconscious
…the Salani tribe! Dear, dear Kat had a dream last night that Alicia killed her in a mall. “Maybe it’s a sign. Maybe it’s not,” says the philosopher. “I really hope she doesn’t kill me.” Apparently, in 7th grade science, Kat was out (at the mall?) the day that everyone learned that dreams don’t literally come true. I’m amazed how Kat has gone from being the odd woman out to being the little (in both stature and brain capabilities) mascot of the tribe. No time for more dream analysis from Kat because it’s challenge time!
Both teams had to catapult coconuts onto targets and whoever won scored lots of ice cream. Both Colton and Alicia performed horribly. “My nephew could toss it better!” Jeff Probst mocked Alicia. “Pathetic!” he then called out to her. Yet somehow Colton found a way to criticize Christina for not running to the back of the line quickly enough. Not shockingly on any level, Salani won the ice-cream. They gorged on what was sure to give them—I believe the medical term is “Island Revenge” — later in the day. The whole thing looked kind of gross. I think I became lactose-intolerant just from watching that dairy bacchanal. Anyway, back at Manono, Colton barked orders to his flying monkey to mock Christina and then told Christina she could quit or she could “jump in that fire.” Seriously? Who raised this person? He makes The Bachelor‘s Courtney Robertson look like Mother Theresa.
And yet, for some reason, Christina did not fight back. I kept waiting for her to scream really loudly, “You want me to jump into a fire? Is that the kind of person you are?” It’s truly amazing to me that no one was able to call him out. Quite the contrary. That night, when Colton’s “brain hurt” (little brain, was that you?), Christina cradled him as if he were her baby brother, assuring him he’d be okay. Dr. Tarzan started spewing some mumbo jumbo about kidney failure and early appendicitis and, to be honest, I just rolled my eyes because I can’t believe this guy actually went to medical school. What an idiot. Appendicitis? Uh….D’oh!
Sure enough, Tarzan knew his jungle symptoms and when the long-maned medic pushed in on little brain, Colton winced in pain. “It’s too risky not to take him out,” she said. Wait. Colton’s out of the game? Tarzan knows of what he speaks? My brain is starting to hurt too, Colton. The craziest part of all is that I felt a teeny tiny bit of sympathy for Colton as he moaned, both from the stomach pain and the sadness of not being able to compete in a game he so respects. (Mind you, if he really respected the game he wouldn’t have ruined his season with such ugly behavior.) And like every high school mean girl who turned into an ugly and miserably unhappy woman, Colton was taken down. “Karma,” proclaimed Jonas. Indeed! I thought for a second Colton would redeem himself one iota and give the immunity idol to Christina for playing nurse, but he kept that sucker around his neck. At least he didn’t fork it over to Alicia, who admitted “call me a bad person, but all I was thinking was strategy the whole time.” No prob, hon. You’re a bad person. Consider your wings clipped, flying monkey!
NEXT: Sing with me…A whole new One World!
The next morning, it was truly a new dawn. Bravo to the producers for putting in extended shots of nature’s joy at Colton’s elimination. Those cute little white-shelled creatures looked cheery, the butterflies flapped their wings with joy, the turtles had some spring in their slow steps. Of course, the bliss didn’t last long when both teams found out they’d be heading to Tribal Council. At Salani, players tried to figure out what it meant. Kat ate the dirt under her fingernails. At Manono, there was a very strange exchange between Tarzan and Christina that went something like this:
Christina: Do you like me?
Tarzan: No, Katrina.
Christina: Understandable. I’m Christina.
Who’s the stranger bird here? I can’t really say. All I can do is feel bad for this season’s casting director who made a few too many critical errors. Even Probst can hide his disdain for this season’s cast. Anyway, she-of-negative-self-esteem Christina aligned with Leif and Jonas to vote out Alicia and told her new pals, “If you ever find me a threat, vote me off.” Yes, Christina. Always give your alliance a reason to get rid of you.
Alas, at tribal council, there was no immunity challenge and therefore no opportunity to vote anyone off. There was opportunity, however, for Alicia to gasp for air (who’s the cockroach now?) as she smirked her way through telling Sabrina that Colton thanked her for the idol. Immediately, the Salanis started thinking strategy: Did Manono have an idol? Would they play it? What did Colton tell them? Not dear Kat, though. “I’m kind of worried more about the appendix thing.”
She’s going to have more to worry about in the next few weeks, though, because Probst announced the merge. Phew. It’s been such a lackluster season full of horrible game play that I’m grateful to see if a merged tribe can salvage what’s left of One World. Sure, I was disappointed we didn’t get the one-two punch of losing both Colton and Alicia, but all in good time, my pretties.
So…did you feel bad for Colton? Did you feel worse for the dirt under Kat’s fingernails? Will we get back to seeing great game play from my early favorite Sabrina? Will we ever hear from Dalton again? You bet! He’ll be back next week with a killer tan. In the meantime, enjoy our exclusive deleted scene from tonight’s episode.