Sydney uses her feminine wiles to secure her place in the Jalapao tribe, while Coach discovers a new form of cancer

By Dalton Ross
Updated February 28, 2015 at 03:22 AM EST
Monty Brinton/CBS

“Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Coach’s Corner. We’re here talking to Coach and the topic this week on Coach’s Corner is leadership. Now, Coach, I’d like to start by asking you about…”

“Whoa there, mister. I think I’ll be asking the questions from now on.”

“Excuse me?”

“Well, that’s what a leader would do — ask questions. So, I’ll take it from here, thanks.”

“Uh, okay. What would you like to know?”

“How incredible a leader am I? I mean, do I rule, or totally rule?”

“Well, I suppose that depends on…”

“I agree — totally rule all the way. Next question: Is my hair awesome, or totally awesome?”

“I’m no hairstylist so am not really qualified to answer that question, sir.”

Long awkward silence.

“Uhhhhhh, I’m sorry, Coach. Is there something else you wanted to ask me?

Want to ask you? I’ve been asking you. I was asking you with my eyes! Couldn’t you tell? The question was: Did you prefer me in Under Siege or Marked for Death?”

“Definitely Under Siege. There’s nothing better than watching people get their butt kicked by a cook. Anyway, we’re out of time. Thanks for tuning in, and we’ll see you next week on another exciting edition ofCoach’s Corner!”

Ahhhh, Coach. We kid because we love. But not so much with the love part. Our episode began with — Surprise! Surprise! — Coach dissing Erinn. “She said Brendan is a better leader, but she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. It pissed me off.” Other things that I imagine piss Coach off: people who disagree with him on how to properly cook beans, people who refuse to refer to him as “Coach,” people who happen to be women, people who notice that he is not very good in challenges, Scott MacIntyre fromAmerican Idol, since he is legally blind and therefore would be unable to follow the very explicit directions Coach gives via his eyes, people with the name Dalton Ross, and, finally, people with tattooed red and black faces who get their kicks by killing off Jedi.

Coach went on to describe Erinn as “the cancer of the tribe.” Wait a minute, I thought Candace was the cancer of the tribe. OH MY GOD, THE CANCER IS SPREADING! Who will be infected next?!? And why do I get the feeling that according to Coach, it will be another woman? While Coach was busy railing on Erinn, Erinn was busy picking her nose. The Timbira tribe then got together and decided they needed to officially pick something else — a leader, and a shocking thing happened. Coach actually bowed out somewhat gracefully (for him) and said Brendan should be the leader. Could this be the start of a kinder, gentler Coach? (Cue record scratch noise here.) “If Brendan got voted off and I was the leader,” Coach told the camera, “I think this tribe would be better.” Annnnnnnnnnd, he’s back. Apparently afraid that not quite everyone realized he was once again being a self-obsessed freakazoid, Coach went on to describe the rest of his tribe as New Kids on the Block, who, all things considered when you look at the history of boy bands, were not all that bad (at least until they started going by N.K.O.T.B.) He finished by incorrectly answering his own rhetorical question: “If you look at me, and you look at Brendan, who looks stronger? I do.” Of course you do, Coach.

NEXT: Sierra cracks a smile…kinda

NEWSFLASH: THIS JUST IN! We now are receiving unconfirmed reports of a second — repeat: second! — tribe playing the game of ‘Survivor: Tocantins’. Sources say the name of the tribe is Jalapao, although there has so far been little to no visual confirmation that the tribe exists. When asked about the reports, ‘Survivor’ executive producer Doug McCallie responded, “I have no comment about that! Just keep watching Timbira. That’s where all the action is. I mean, did you see that clown Tyson with the loincloth? Pure gold. Gold, I tell ya!”

It turns out the reports are true. After barley bothering to even show us Jalapao over the past two weeks, we were treated to our first real strategy scene at their camp when Taj clued Stephen in on the secret cross-tribe alliance with Brendan and Sierra. I’m not sure which made Stephen happier: to learn he had magically fallen into an alliance he had no part in assembling, or to find out Exile Island wasn’t as bad as Taj had made it out to be. He hugged Taj in glee and somewhere back in the States, Eddie George punched a hole in a wall.

Hey, who likes to see Survivors in brutal pain? Everyone, right? Well, come gather round for the reward challenge! This one was an old Survivor classic, with contestants forced to carry bags of weight on a pole across their shoulders until they could carry no longer. Last tribe with a member standing wins. I was a bit surprised to see Timbira pick the scrawny Tyson to be one of the weight bearers instead of the sturdier Coach, but then I remembered that Coach is Coach. Brendan dropped out right at 220 pounds, J.T. held 220 for a bit and then he dropped, Tyson went down at 160, and Joe (who is a dead ringer for Shane fromThe Shield if ever there was one), gave up at 140. This set up a Taj vs. Debbie duel — a duel that Debbie had no chance in hell at winning. And she didn’t.

The end result was that Jalapao sent Sierra to exile, Sierra chose Taj to come along with her, and Joe and J.T. were dispatched to go steal two items from Timbira. They wisely took a bag of beans, and just as wisely left the other, in case of any tribe switcheroo that could leave them at the other camp with no food. (They also swiped a watering can.) Sandy didn’t like the fact that they left a bag of food. However, we don’t like having to look at Sandy in a bikini so we’ll call that a wash. I’m guessing that the tribe also wasn’t too keen on Psycho Sandy repeatedly referring to their food source as “fartin’ beans.” It certainly annoyed Sydney. But Sandy also was (rightfully) concerned about Sydney’s flirtation with the boys. She evidently had a problem with the model not sleeping in a bra at night (something I’m guessing the rest of the tribe had no qualms with) and then offered this sage advice: “If they’re gonna put your name down, man, you better do something. You better be pulling off more than a bra. You better be pulling some panties off or something.” I believe in Survivor circles they call this “The Shallow Approach” (as in: Parvati Shallow).

Off on Exile, Taj was busy filling Sierra in on the secret cross-tribe alliance. For Sierra, it was an absolute explosion of emotion upon learning the plan! Which is to say, she managed to muster up a half-grin and give Taj an awkward high-five. Does anything excite this woman? Regardless, it is a huge turnaround for someone who was voted out of her tribe 5 minutes into the game. Who’s laughing now, Timbira?!? (Answer: not Sierra, because she doesn’t know how.)

NEXT: The first annual ‘Survivor’ underwear swap!

Cue the Tyson loincloth and we are off to the immunity challenge. The goal here was to retrieve puzzle pieces that then needed to be spun in order to spell out a special phrase. The highlights: Joe smoking Coach in the first round, Stephen’s awkward sprint with limbs flailing everywhere, Sydney not being able to undo a knot and losing the lead to Timbira, and my flashback to afternoons faking sick from school so I could sit home and watch Super Passwordtriggered by the secret phrase appearing at the bottom of the screen. Timbira won, and no that is not a misprint. Later, back at the Jalapao camp, Joe said he was kinda glad they lost so they could get rid of Sandy. Say it ain’t so, Joe! I hate this line of thinking. Losing is never a good option. You need numbers. You need momentum. Doesn’t matter if someone is barking “Fartin’ beans! Fartin’ beans! Fartin’ beans!” into your ear from dawn till dusk. You have to suck it up to keep a position of power in the game.

Everyone seemed to be looking to J.T. to make the call as to who to vote off. Seeing as how Sydney had been prancing around in his underwear, she seemed to have the edge. But then she idiotically told everyone that what she loved most about Survivor was “the sneakiness” of the game. Not very sneaky, Sydney! Sandy tried to hammer Sydney for her flirting at Tribal Council, while Sydney said it was inevitable, which I suppose is what hot models would tend to say. Taj overplayed her hand a bit by saying she didn’t care that Sydney’s flirting gained her allies. Probst said he didn’t buy it for a second, but I kinda did. I think Taj is gettin’ a tad cocky with her secret alliance. Those who tend to get too comfortable turn around only to find Jeff Probst snuffing their torch. And remember, this is the season of the blindside.

But all the flirting and wearing of boys’ underwear paid off for Sydney, as Psycho Sandy was given the boot. Oh, Sandy, you are kinda crazy, but I also kinda learned to love you. Don’t get me wrong: I found your insistence on fondling your own breasts and obsession with flatulence to be mildly disturbing, but you were also a happy go lucky soul with a positive attitude who performed well in challenges. Sorry to see you go.

You know who else I’m sorry to see go (until next week, at least)? You, dear reader! But before you do: a few quick hits. Psycho Sandy herself will be right here on Friday afternoon for a new edition ofSurvivor Talk. Check back to see what sort of insanity spews from her mouth—as well to find out who our super-secret former Survivor guest will be. In the meantime, don’t forget to view the exclusive deleted scene below. But wait, there’s more! (I feel like I’m hawking a Ginsu knife collection all of a sudden.) Jeff Probst is back with his weekly blog, offering valuable behind-the-scenes insight with an occasional dash of smack-talk. How much would you pay? Don’t answer yet! There’s more! A former Survivor champion is now embarking on a new career as a professional wrestler. Who can it be? Click here to find out. It’s not who you expect. Or maybe it is. Who exactly were you expecting? I have no idea! Okay, the message boards are officially open for business. Will you miss Sandy? Hating Coach more or less than last week? And are dudes on Survivor still stupid enough to ruin their own games at the mere sight of a pretty girl? You tell me. See ya next week.

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