Malcolm is hypnotized by Angie’s breasts while the Matsing tribe once again comes up short in the challenge

By Dalton Ross
Updated February 27, 2015 at 11:38 PM EST
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Survivor Philippines
Credit: Image Credit: Monty Brinton/CBS
S25 E2

Oh, you’ve done it this time, Probst. Sitting there all cool, in your jungle-casual gear. Putting contestants on notice with your “thoughts” and “opinions.” WELL, I’M PUTTING YOU ON NOTICE, PROBST! Because nobody — nobody — openly mocks the power of cookies. You thought you were being so clever at Tribal Council by asking poor Angie what she would change about her tribe, and then had the absolute audacity to belittle her response of “that we could have cookies.”

Did you even bother doing any follow-up questions to ascertain what kind of cookies she was talking about? Chocolate chip? Ginger? Macadamia nut? How can you even judge her response until you know what type of cookies her tribe would get? In doing so, you demean not only Angie, but two other people I’d like to introduce you to: my good pals Famous Amos and Mrs. Fields. Oh, and I know another little organization that might not be too pleased with your very public anti-cookie stance — THE GIRL SCOUTS OF AMERICA, JEFF! Ever heard of them? Well, my daughter is a member, and fat chance we send you an order form this year! (No Thin Mints or Tagalongs for you!)

What gives, Probst? Have you never experienced the camaraderie shared by a group (or tribe?) of individuals after devouring a dozen gooey baked morsels of heaven? Never bore witness to feats of athletic prowess thanks to the immediate sugar rush after ingesting 510 grams of the sweet stuff just before a big game (or challenge?)? You shortchange cookies, you shortchange yourself. In fact, cookies are so delicious they even based an entire cereal around them. That’s right, Jeff — Cookie Crisp. It started with a wizard mascot, then switched to a burglar, then switched to a dog, then switched again to a wolf — confusing, I know, but that’s how good that damn cereal is. It’s had four mascots. Four! Don’t worry, Angie. I got your back on this one. (Actually, on second thought, can I get your front?)

Okay, let’s move on and take it from the top since I’m clearly feeling a bit…chippy. This latest episode of Survivor: Philippines begins with Russell talking about the Tribal Council his tribe just endured and telling everyone, “I thought I was going to pass out the whole time I was sitting up there.” What? Again? Jeez, when do you not pass out, Russell? You need a new go-to move, my man. Speaking of passing out, Angie is about to pass out…into Malcolm’s arms. The two are either dry humping or playing human twister under the shelter as they “try to get warm.” Oh, they’re warm all right. Malcolm worries he is getting “booty blinded,” but Roxy’s eyes are wide open to the dangers a couple pose: “One has got to go. Period.”

The next night, it’s the same story all over again, with the two doing their best hot pretzel impersonation. Roxy doesn’t like it and goes to see what Russell’s take on the situation is. Russell’s take is as follows: “It looks like she’s got some boob thing going on. They’re popping up all over the place.” Thanks, Russell! Next, Roxy goes to work on Denise. Little does she know Denise is already in an alliance with Malcolm. Of course, if Denise were crafty enough she would engineer Angie’s ouster so that Malcolm would become that much more dependent on her. That’s Survivor 101. But is Denise crafty enough? No. No, she is not.

Later, Roxy is driven to tears by the brutal non-stop rain the contestants have been forced to endure. “I’m not in my comfort zone at all,” she tells us, which is odd because Survivor is all about being in your comfort zone. Finally, however, the sun emerges and Roxy celebrates by speaking a language that is definitely not English but one which some smartypants on the message boards is sure to tell me I am an idiot for not recognizing.

NEXT: RC and Abi-Maria — what could possibly go wrong?

Over at Tandang, RC becomes the first non-returnee to find a clue to the location of the hidden immunity idol. She immediately tells her bestie Abi-Maria and they meet by the well and read the clue together. My Survivor Spidey sense was tingling back when these two first cemented their giggly girl alliance. They both seemed way too hyper and high maintenance for this to work, and sure enough the cracks are already starting to show.

Abi doesn’t like seeing RC talking to Mike Skupin — who, incidentally, has hurt himself yet again. Skupin, what are you doing?!? I’m starting to seriously feel sorry for you with all the self-inflicted damage. I’d give you a cookie to make you feel better but, well…you know. Abi and RC then proceed to say how they don’t trust each other. “I am your friend,” says Abi. “But if you f— me with, you’re dead. Seriously. Done.” Oh, this is going to have a fabulous ending, I can already tell. There is little I love more in life than poorly thought out day 1 alliances. The executive (kick your) ASSistant alliance is in full effect.

But RC and Abi-Maria do agree on one thing: ostracizing Lisa! Lisa can’t help but feel like an outsider. The woman who was seen by 25 million people each and every week for almost a decade calls herself an “introvert” and “very, very shy.” She secludes herself by the water well and then the tears begin. “I’ve been on my own since I was 12, when I moved to California to be on The Mickey Mouse Club,” she tells us. Wow, that is awful. I feel so…Hold on, Lisa Whelchel was on The Mickey Mouse Club?!? I’m sorry, but I need to go investigate this for a minute. Talk amongst yourselves………………………………………………………… Oh my God, it’s true! And I found the perfect Lisa on Mickey Mouse Club clip to mirror exactly how she feels here on Survivor. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you “Won’t Somebody Dance With Me?” (Beware of the freaky magic punch bowl.)

Lisa’s crisis of confidence and fretting about fitting in can’t help but remind me of Dawn Meehan on Survivor: South Pacific. I was out there for the first few days of that season as well, and Dawn — like Lisa, a super-fan that had dreamed of getting on the show — felt just as much of an outsider on her tribe. She too shed tears and worried if the whole thing had been a big mistake. Then, she regrouped, dominated in a few challenges, and had a nice long run (until she was done in by a guy in a sweater vest allergic to colored rocks). I guess if I had to pinpoint the one big difference between Dawn and Lisa it would be that during Dawn’s season CBS refrained from attempting to exploit her misery in the hopes of inciting a social media frenzy by putting #SURVIVORBREAKDOWN on the screen in big fat letters. #KEEPITCLASSY.

RC and Abi may be going all mean girl on the former sitcom star, but surely Pete will show some compassion. “She’s like the dog that keeps escaping the fence in the backyard,” says Team Jacob. “Eventually you just gotta shoot it.” Um, oooooookay. Those are bold words coming from a guy that crapped his pants a few years ago.

The celebrity over on Kalabaw is having problems of his own. Jeff Kent is struggling. Struggling with the rain. Struggling with his knee. Struggling to make as many baseball references and comparisons as possible in a single sentence. Jeff likes the fact that the downpour has all forced them to take it easy in the shelter. Jonathan Penner, however, is less than thrilled because he can’t search for his missing contact lens…I mean, immunity idol.

NEXT: Look what Penner found!

Even after being caught by Dawson shamelessly searching for it — forcing Penner to make like Cochran and don glasses to extend the ruse — the Alan Alda soundalike is able to return and locate the idol after realizing it was the top of the rice container. Interesting twist, this is, having the top of the container be the idol. What’s interesting about it is that while in previous seasons contestants could not be sure if someone had located the idol, now the tribe will clearly see that the piece on top of the container is gone and should be able to come to the obvious deduction that it was an idol that indeed had been claimed. And now, after Contactgate, it should be equally obvious who has it. Of course, on the other tribes…

…We interrupt your regular scheduled TV recap for a quick newsbreak updating the great Survivor Silent-Off of 2012. Artis Silvester of the Tandang tribe and Carter Williams of the Kalabaw clan are continuing their epic battle to be the least heard from player of the season. Williams, who has cited Brett from Samoa, Purple Kelly from Nicaragua and Leif from One World as his mentors and inspiration, has jumped out to commanding lead by not uttering a single word in two episodes so far. But Silvester — considered a long shot by most members of the press who have the burned out batteries of tape recorders from pre-game interviews to serve as evidence of his loquaciousness — has made a surprising run in the first two episodes and has become a trendy pick for prognosticators thanks to his “clear lack of anything remotely interesting to say,” according to one source who insisted on anonymity. Stay tuned as the battle — nay, WAR — wages on over the next few weeks. We now return you to your regularly scheduled TV recap, already in progress…

…and thus concludes my theory as to why the ultimate Survivor strategy is to go not by your first or last name, but rather your middle name. Okay, let’s head to the Immunity Challenge. Staging this season in the Philippines means we will be treated to some of the most awesome old school water based challenges ever!!! Unfortunately, this is not one of those challenges. Instead, it’s all on land and involves the contestants using a sled to retrieve puzzle pieces. First team to finish wins immunity and a stash of pillows, blankets and a tarp. Second place takes immunity and a tarp. Third place is forced to watch the Adam Sandler yuck fest Jack & Jill. (Not really, but after hating on the show for making that a “reward” a few seasons back, I now kind of wish they would force every losing team to sit through it as punishment. Look! It’s Adam Sandler dressed as a woman! Hilarious! Someone get me a copy of Big Momma’s House while we’re at it.)

This challenge clearly must be a lot harder than it looks, because everyone is gassed getting those puzzle pieces back. The Matsing tribe is undone by Roxanne (who didn’t want to run twice because she “drank less water”) and Angie (who says halfway through her first run that “I don’t know if I can go”). But thanks to a truly horrifying leg by Artis and RC, Matsing manages to get right back into it. As always, it comes down to the puzzle. And as Angie rests under the caller platform, my girl Lisa leads Tandang to victory by shouting out movements to Pete and RC. Kalabaw follows, and guess who’s heading back to Tribal Council? (You don’t have to guess. Process of elimination tells us that it is Matsing. I’m assuming that 99.9 percent of you already figured that out, and that the remaining .1 percent really, really like cookies.)

NEXT: Russell freaks out, and calls out his tribemates

Say, how do you feel about losing the challenge Russell? “I’m pissed off. I’m sick of this ‘I can’t do this. I can’t handle this.’ Either go hard or go home. Forget these other stupid tribes. They can’t beat us. They shouldn’t be able to beat us.” Dude, unless you have replacement refs judging this challenge — in which case I believe they just named the Jalapao tribe from Survivor: Tocantins the victors of this challenge and have retroactively selected Papa Smurf as the winner of Survivor: Fiji — then I believe they, in fact, did beat you — twice! “These folks haven’t decided yet that they are unbeatable and they can do this,” Russell continues. “They got to get their heads out of their butts or go home.” Yeah, Malcolm! For the last time, get your head out of Angie’s butt! No, seriously…that’s gross. Knock it off, you two.

So now the selection will come down to either Boobs McGee or Speaking in Tongues getting the boot. Russell wants to keep Roxy because she keeps him informed and is another target in front of him. Not to mention she is the only real ally he has on the entire tribe. Would he seriously jettison the only person he might be able to count on? Let’s head to Tribal Council and find out.

The issues with Roxy and Angie are laid bare at Tribal. Roxy says the problem with her tribe is that they all work too hard. (???) Angie says they lack cookies. The latter response sends Probst into the aforementioned fit of astonishment and this brilliant exchange:

Malcolm: “I can understand the response,”

Probst: “Wait a second, Really? Really?”

Malcolm: “I’m not saying it’s a phenomenal answer.”

Well, I am! Phenomenal! For all those — including Probst himself — who questioned Angie’s inclusion in the cast, consider your questions answered! She just earned her spot right there. Again, phenomenal. The rest of Tribal consists of a Hotel New Hampshire-esque debate on how intimately brothers and sisters should cuddle, Roxy describing the Malcolm and Angie snugglefest as a “booby trap,” and then Probst clapping in Angie’s face and telling her to “wake up.” You know what would wake her up? All the sugar in those cookies! In the end, Roxy is voted out. Apparently, God wanted it that way.

Alas, with one tribe now down two members, you have to feel a reshuffling and downsizing to two tribes could be coming up soon. Russell should hope so seeing as how he is definitely the odd man out now on Matsing. Lisa and Penner could probably do with some new faces as well. Speaking of new, check out my weekly Q&A with Jeff Probst. And we have a brand new exclusive deleted scene from last night’s episode in the video player below, as well as the cast sharing the most embarrassing moments ever (lots of naked lady and man parts are involved). Plus, for more Survivor scoop all season long, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss.

Now, it’s your turn. Did Matsing make the right call in getting rid of Roxy over Angie? Can Penner and/or Lisa work their way back into the tribes’ good graces? And who are you pulling for in the great Survivor Silent-Off: Artis or Carter? Hit the message boards and let us know, and I’ll be back next week with another scoop — or as one cagey reader suggested — Skupin of the crispy.

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